Change

This place is changing -- and I'm sure that is not news to anyone who has been following along.

We are different with each other, and learning to be different for ourselves.  The collar that I once wore so proudly hasn't been out of its basket on my night table in months.  In the beginning, that bothered me, but it has come to be just a fact -- and that feels OK.  I sometimes look at the impressions of the cutting that hang on our bedroom wall, and feel the ever present itch of those scars in my flesh -- and ponder what it might come to mean to wear His initials on my back if we are no longer Master and slave, or Owner and property, or whatever it was that the marks connoted when He first made them.  But for right now, I feel comfortable that He and I will always be SOMETHING  to each other.  I have no idea what the shape of our relationship will be as we learn and grow and change, but I am no longer terrified that we will come to be strangers.  We will be "us," and it feels like the labels and the protocols and the structures may not be so important.  Or maybe I am projecting too far out.  I just don't know.

I do know that continuing to hope to be able to come here and write about power exchange and D/s the way I once did is a frustrating and fruitless wishing for what was, and that doing that keeps me from looking fully at what is.  We were like that, and it was meaningful and real and powerful WHEN it was the right thing for us.  It isn't that anymore.  We are making something new and it is, as yet, too new and unformed to even be able to name it.  We will have to simply watch and wait.

I have, on more than one occasion, wondered if I should take this blog down and just go off to live my quiet, simple, plain life.  I can't imagine that I'll ever be or feel "vanilla" in my bones, but maybe it is just a matter of waiting long enough.  Maybe after 6 months or 7 months or a year, all of that kinky stuff will just fade off into warm, fuzzy, glowing memories of my youth.  I can say that and, as I watch myself react to it, I am amazed at how calm I feel about it.  It isn't that scary.

So, here sits the blog that has chronicled every move and every step and every emotion and every shift.  I feel like something happens for me when I can write here.  One of my "anonymous" fans accuses me of being possessed of a towering ego (well, that's what the anonymous would write if he/she had that much literary capacity), and probably that is accurate.  This blog has been about me, mostly.  Because of this place, I've "met" people from around the country and around the globe, and they have come to feel like friends and confidants.  I have not always been a good friend, but I do value those relationships and I want them to continue -- at least I'd like that to happen.  Who knows what those on the other end of the "relationship" might come to feel about it, especially if this becomes the "World's Most Boring Blog."  That too, will perhaps become clear in time.  I only know that I want this outlet to remain for the days when I may need to still pour out words.  In the beginning, there was hardly anyone to read the words I wrote -- and it was alright.  If things would go back to that, I think I'd be more ok with that than having no outlet at all for the words.

Nothing earth-shaking in all of that.  It is just the truth about my thinking tonight.  I guess part of me wants to "let people off the hook."  Telling the truth about the state of our relationship seems the kindest and fairest thing I can do at this moment.

swan