Polyamory Observations #1

A couple of entries back I implied that there was probably no real interest in or value to a discussion of the day-to-day "stuff" of poly living. I simply couldn't imagine why anyone would care about things like who buys the groceries or makes dinner or pays the bills.

Roy, in commenting, suggested that it would be helpful in fact to hear the nuts and bolts. Plenty of folks have "theories" about how poly SHOULD work, or MIGHT work, he said -- but that's a far cry from how it actually DOES work, and he thought it would be instructive and useful if we would share our experiences in the living of a real 24/7 poly life. Now, one person asking, is hardly a groundswell, but then, maybe he does have a point...
So, consider this the beginning of a series of entries -- "Poly Observations," that will detail the ways we do our lives together as a family and a household (not that we haven't done a fair amount of that anyway). I intend these pieces to be not so much discussions about "theory" as commentaries about the practicalities and actual realities of how we do what we do.

Call this edition "Resources." I'm starting there because that's where my mind is this week, this day. Our family has been stretched to the limit in the past few days, physically and emotionally, AND we've managed it. We do that because we know what our resources are, and we've gotten very good at using them wisely and well. We work together to get our business and our necessities handled, so when things get intense, we don't have to spend a lot of time and energy fussing about who will do what when or how -- we know that we can count on each other. We fall into place and into patterns of behavior that carry us through, even when we are sad, tired, worried, and strung out. It works. That it works is largely testimony to the fact that we have, in calmer times done the work needed to figure out what we have in the way of assets, and then put those things to work in service to one another and to the entity that is our family.
It is my view that there is no way that a viable poly relationship is going to last for long, past the point of the hot and lusty sex, if the participants don't evaluate what they have in the way of resources and then figure out how to best use those resources in support of the relationship. Actually, I think that is true of any relationship, no matter how many partners and directional arrows are involved.
So what do I mean by "resources?"
It isn't as straightforward as I think some people tend to assume. I think we believe too often that the only real resources worth counting are financial. If there is a wage earner; a bank account sufficient to maintain the household, then fine and dandy. For many, the BDSM fantasy usually pictures a "slave" ensconsced in the Master's realm, and in that vision, the assumption has to be that the economic support is being supplied by the Master or by some outside source... It can be a "pretty" picture at some level; enticing to dream of being swept away to some walled off inner sanctum where all one need be concerned with are the demands made by the "Owner." It isn't our reality, and I just don't think it is the reality for the vast majority of people. I can read the governmental economic reports, and the raw statistics tell me that the bulk of us have got to bust our collective butts to keep afloat economically out here these days. So, for all that "castle" and "dungeon" imagery that we find so evocative, the hard truth is that we've got to figure out how to pay the mortgages and the electric bills and all the rest of it.
And that isn't even the half of it if the truth be told. There are vehicles, homes, lawns, wardrobes, appliances, etc. to be maintained, schedules to be kept, records to be organized and tracked, outside relationships at multiple levels to be managed and facilitated, familial and organizational and civic and social obligations to fulfill, health care needs to be attended to, unexpected events to adjust to and "finesse" -- the list goes on and on. We are social creatures and we live in social environments. The interconnection of our lives creates both joy and stress -- often simultaneously.
One of the great advantages, for us, of being a poly household is that there are more heads, hands, and hearts to tend to all the many complexities of our lives. On the other hand, because there are three of us, sometimes, there are simply more complexities. We've all got pretty intense and demanding careers. We have still got four elderly parents between the bunch of us. We have four children -- all 18 years old or better, plus a raft of neices and nephews (and "steps"), some of whom insist on having babies of their own. And T and I have a collection of evil "baby" brothers who are all nominally adults, although no one would know it by their behavior for the most part. The extended family dynamics can get weirder than bat-shit somedays. I keep calculating that, by the time we complete this year's cycle of birthday celebrations in April, we will have obtained a combined age of 160 years. If it is true that "with age comes wisdom," then we ought to be approaching the edge here somewhere soon I would think. In these last few weeks, we've needed all the wisdom, patience, fortitude, and simple, pure solid stuborn, Irish-German-"Don't let the bastards wear-you-you-down" stick to it-iveness we could scrape together.
In the last couple of weeks we've been just a little busy:

• First one and then the other of Master's parents have spent several days in the hospital.
• Then His Mother moved directly to a nursing home (likely for the rest of her life - ending what has been until now a fruitless search for such a placement). That was good news, although she has had dreadful falls each of her first three nights there -- two of which have resulted in all night trips to the emergency room for her and Master.
• Our friend died and was buried.
• Master's advocacy agency continues to struggle with funding and staffing and a wide variety of political challenges.
• My daughter is once again embarking on the path of living without hallucinogenic drugs, and outside of the correctional system.
• T recently attended a funeral with her Mom for a long time family friend of theirs.
• There was the evil, who knew what the hell it might be, breast lump.
• T had her birthday and mine approaches this weekend. Hooray!

All of that is on top of the normal routines of our daily lives: the jobs and the chores and the stuff that has to be done to keep any household running relatively smoothly. It's a lot. It would be a lot for any family; for any relationship. The reality is that these kinds of things happen in life. Whatever our fantasies might be, whatever we dream, LIFE has a way of imposing sometimes daunting demands on us all.
If we were three single adults, living our lives out alone, we'd each of us have to deal with these dynamics as best we could -- alone. Or we'd call on friends for whatever support they might be willing or able to offer. If any of us were a couple, living in what is viewed as the normal, traditional "marriage," then we'd have to juggle the demands between us. I know that I did that for a lot of years. It was sometimes OK, and at othertimes it was nearly impossible. The upside is that society endorsed my "normal" marriage, so there was no onus on me BECAUSE of the marriage itself. Our triad family, because it is stable and functional allows us flexibility and strength that is not available in other family configurations. During these last few days and weeks, we've frequently split up, heading off in three different directions to fetch and manage things at different locations and in different arenas so that all the parts and pieces could be taken care of in a reasonable fashion. We know that we can all call on one another without any questions being asked and without apology or hesitation. It frees us up to use our whole set of resources when we really need to.
So how does someone who is thinking of building this kind of relational model think about resources? I looked at how the word "resource" is defined, and this is what I discovered:
available source of wealth; a new or reserve supply that can be drawn upon when needed

• a source of aid or support that may be drawn upon when needed; ``the local library is a valuable resource''
• resource, resourcefulness, imagination -- the ability to deal resourcefully with unusual problems; ``a man of resource''

If we think of "resources" in the first sense, as primarily financial, then within a poly family, it becomes essential to consider the economic resources that are available. The reality is that there are some "economies" of scale to living as a poly household, but there are probably not as many as a starry-eyed poly dreamer might want to believe. As my dear old Dad used to tell me on a regular basis, "two can eat as cheaply as one -- if one doesn't eat." The same goes for three or four or... It makes sense to evaluate the soundness of your earning potentials as a family. Poly families that expect to reside together need adequate housing. That means sleeping spaces, living spaces with communal and private areas, social spaces, storage areas, cooking facilities, laundry facilities... A very close, and happy couple can make do with a one bedroom apartment; a poly family is going to need a bigger space, and more space costs more money. If you all intend to live and work as a family, everyone needs to have safe, well-maintained, appropriate transportation. We all have phones, and computers, and radios and ...

Too, the financial side of things involves such questions as who manages the bills, how are banking matters handled, who makes decisions about investments, who is and is not named in wills and as beneficiary on insurance policies, who is on titles to properties, etc. How the financial matters of a poly household are structured is not typically a simple thing. Depending on the perceptions and intentions of the members of the relationship, such questions may be fairly stratightforward, or they may entail some very complex negotiations and legal advice and documentation to manage. There is no "one size fits all" solution. We've not yet resolve all the questions, and we find as we go along that the questions evolve and sometimes change.

As to the second meaning of "resource," as an aid or support that can be drawn upon when needed, this is the hidden gem of poly relating that doesn't get much play because it just isn't sexy I suspect. We count on each other for all those prosaic kinds of things that you do for people that you care for deeply: aid, assistance, help, and refuge. Sometimes it means that I call home because I am at school in the middle of a blinding migraine and I can't find my medicine. Master has, on more than one occasion, dropped everything, and driven across town to bring me the single pill that will keep me functioning (and all too often helped me find the one that was invisible to my headache stricken sight, and there in my purse all along). Or it means that I scramble across town with the tax forms to meet T in the parking lot on her lunch hour so that she can sign them -- and then I tear madly across town to the post office to get them mailed under the deadline. Another time it is T cooking and feeding us as Master and I struggle to turn out a proposal for funding for the agency -- working until the wee hours of the morning to get all the bits and pieces just right. We use all our resources -- all our considerable talents and gifts in service to and support of each other because, honestly, the world is a tough and demanding place and we need all the help we can get each day.

I shake my head when I hear about people looking for poly relationships, and I see the lists of "qualities" that people put together. Most of the time, those lists are full of the sort of characteristics that make for a really great fuck buddy. That's great if that's what your after, but I'm increasingly sure that if what you intend to create is a long term relationship, you better be thinking about the kinds of qualities you want in a partner that you are going to be doing some hard traveling with. It is really important to know what you bring to the table, and what you want in return. Probably it is important that whoever you create a relationship with not scare the bejeezus out of you first thing every morning, but far more important is knowing with absolute certainty that you can pick up the phone anytime and know that whatever it is you need -- it is yours for the asking.

The third "sense" of "resource" is the idea of resourcefulness or imagination -- the ability to deal with unusual problems in creative and unique ways. I think that part of what keeps us afloat in the face of all the rest of it is our ability to laugh; to not take ourselves too seriously; to find the spaces where we are OK as just exactly who we are. We somehow have the wonderful gift of finding the quiet shoals where we come up into the sunshine and notice what we've got in one another and take great joy in that. It is enough, and it keeps us going in the face of a very great deal that might give us an excuse to throw in the towel. We thrive on "family" jokes, on "family" traditions, on "family" stories, and in our "family" spaces.

So, to begin this series, at what I thought would be the end of a very trying week for us, there you have some thoughts and observations on poly resources. We've never done an "inventory" as such, although I think we've tabulated a lot of that in one sense or another. We know a great deal more of it now than when we first began. I think we really didn't conceive of a lot of it in the beginning, and no one really talked about it with us. We don't hear it discussed much anywhere either. It perhaps is less of an issue for those who do not propose to live together as we do. Shared housing and fulltime living together creates the need for routines and financial arrangements that occasional connecting does not necessitate. Still, I think that sustained relationship building goes better if the parties understand from fairly early on that they bring gifts and assets, talents and treasure, to the bargain as well as needs both conscious and unspoken. How much better and more honest to work together, with intent, to try and create dynamics where the resources of the family are dedicated to meeting as many of the needs of the denizens of the place as may be?

swan