What if We Shared?

Sunday afternoon we traveled just a bit north and east of where we live to the Fort Ancient historical site to spend some time at the Gathering of the Four Directions Celebration.  It is an event that has been held for 23 years at the Fort Ancient site, and involves a weekend of Native American drumming and dance, accompanied by a sort of festival including vendors of all sorts and some educational demonstrations and performances.  There is something that simply draws us in and relaxes us as we join the circle around the dance area, to watch and listen and enjoy.  There are elements of religion and spectacle and veteran's parade and community party to the whole business.  There are protocols and customs and a definitive hierarchy that is sensed more than seen by those of us who are outside the tribes.

I am always taken by the way dancers and singers are with one another; with the way that the youngest and the oldest all join in the rhythms and patterns of the dances.  I know enough to know that, for the people of the various tribes, there are huge parts of the whole business that are strictly private.  I know that there is a place where the drumming becomes hypnotic and transports those who dance into another frame of awareness.  I know that they know, as they dance, that beyond the rope that delineates the circle, we are all there, watching, talking, drawing our own conclusions about what we are seeing.  I know that they watch us, watching them, and I know that there is something remarkably generous in their choosing to invite us in and share what they have with us.

Spending time at a Pow Wow has some of the same electricity as does spending time in a public BDSM dungeon.  It is another example of a non-dominant culture group taking hold of a space and making it "theirs" for a bit of time.  It is a circumstance in which the "outsiders" become the normative culture, and that shift changes everything for a space.  The air is different.  The light is different.  The sounds are different.  The reactions and interactions are all changed, too.  Something very powerful happens.

Sitting there in the green light of Sunday afternoon, floating along on the pounding of the drums, I wondered:  "What if the BDSM community were to adopt this model?  What if, instead of hiding away in hotels, behind carefully controlled access points, entirely separated from the 'normal' culture, we instead, set our public events up in public places, and invited those who were not us to come and be 'audience'?"  Would doing that make big changes in the way that WE relate to the dominant culture within which we all have to live.  Would doing that give the 'vanilla' people who are our neighbors a chance to know us as a culture that is apart and different, but not necessarily bad?  Would we be able to show how we are with one another, in ways that would shift the perceptions that are created by the porn industry?

I don't know.  I only know that I wondered.

swan

Changes

It is still March, and still Question Month.  I have run through all the questions that people asked in the beginning of the month except this last one that Ordalie asked (If you have anything else you are wondering about, do please ask):

I sure am a bit curious but I marvel at the changing appearance of you blog:  photos or drawings, font...  Who makes all these changes?

Me.

I do it.

I get bored with things when they stay the same for too long.  Sometimes it is about making things look sort of seasonally appropriate.  Sometimes it is about my mood.  Sometimes, I stumble across a picture or a piece of art that I like, and that becomes the inspiration.

Sometimes I get crazy and make some wild change that I look at the next day and think, "What the hell was I thinking!?!?!?"  Those variations don't last very long.

It is really just a way of entertaining myself, of using up excess energy.  When I was younger, I used to do the same thing with the furniture in my house...  My kids used to hate it when they were teens...  They would go out in the evening, and I would rearrange the whole place.  If they didn't make it in by the time I turned the lights off, I'd hear them crashing around in the darkness trying to figure out what the new lay of the land might be.

swan

Why a Heron?

The last question in the current "pile" is one from sequoia about out "Heron" totem.  She writes:

Why the heron? Beautiful water bird.... but I often (change that: sometimes) wonder why it was chosen as your moniker? 

When we first "met," it was online.  We were members of the same listserv, 1HouseholdDiscipline, and our conversations there led to deeper and closer ties over a period of time.  When we began, I lived in a northern suburb of Denver, Colorado.  I grew up in the west, and most of my experience of the world is from that arid, high plains environment.  I grew up in a world that was occupied by blue jays and magpies and meadowlarks and hawks and eagles.  There were no herons that I ever saw, living in the Rocky Mountains.

Moving to Cincinnati, I found myself in a totally different world.  It rains here.  A lot.  There are four recognizable seasons here.  It is not at all like Colorado where we used to joke that there were only two seasons:  winter and company.  There's a lot of naturally occurring water here; lots of ponds and lakes and rivers.  And, there are great blue herons here for a good part of the year.  They often don't leave us until close to the end of November, and if the winter is fairly mild, they can return in the middle of February.

When I first came here, the appearance of a heron, standing majestically at the edge of the water, seemed magical and mystical.  Too, it seemed to me that at every major juncture of our transition from online acquaintances to friends to play partners to lovers to family, the herons would always appear.  I will swear that the herons come to us whenever we are worried or frustrated or frightened or just uncertain of the path to follow.  They land on the pond outside our doors, and they stand there, and they stare in through our windows until we see them, take note, and say to each other, "Oh look, a heron..."  Then, most often, the heron watcher will lift into the sky on those stretched out wings, and circle away into the blue.  It may not be any sort of magic, but it simply feels to us like the herons watch over us, and empower us, and cheer us on as we travel through this world together.  We've come to believe that, for us, herons hold some sort of power.

And that is the story of why we are "The Heron Clan."

swan

Books

I never would have guessed that inviting questions would spark my mind into such a chatty frame of mind, but it seems to have worked that way.  I am enjoying thinking about all of your questions, and then trying to answer them.  So, here's the next one:

weirdgirl wrote: 

swan, you are always so eloquent and have such a wonderful grasp of language, I am curious to know which books (if any) you consider inspirational in terms of your education (both personal and professional)

I read lots.  My reading interests are pretty eclectic.  I tend toward non-fiction.  When I first read this question, my mind went a dozen different directions at once...  books I loved as a child and a teenager,  books I've loved as an adult (the ones I've carried around with me throughout my life), books that I find really interesting and full of thoughtful and thought provoking material.  I'm not sure most of these would be considered to be inspirational, and maybe many of them are just things I like for whatever reason.  But here goes -- the list:

Rose in Bloom, Louisa May Alcott
Princess of Mars, Edgar Rice Burroughs
Pavillion of Women, Pearl Buck
Mrs. Mike, Benedict and Nancy Mars Freedman
The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran
The Aquarian Conspiracy, Marilyn Ferguson
Reincarnation:  The Phoenix Fire Mystery, Sylvia Cranston
Bridge Across Forever and One, Richard Bach
High Tide in Tucson, Barbara Kingsolver
Wouldn't Take Nothing for My Journey Now, Maya Angelou
Math Doesn't Suck, and Kiss My Math, Danica McKellar
Spiritual Literacy, Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat
Slavecraft and Ties That Bind, Guy Baldwin and a Grateful Slave
Outrageous Acts and Everyday Rebellions, Gloria Steinhem
Women Who Run With the Wolves, Clarissa Pinkola Estes
Cloister Walk, Kathleen Norris
The Geranium on The Windowsill just Died But Teacher You Went Right On, Albert Cullum
Incognito, The Secret Lives of the Brain, David Eagleman

Is that list weird enough?  That's not everything...  That's a fair selection.

swan

Hobbies and Stuff

Continuing in the "question and answer" mode:

ZarahPDX wrote: 

After a couple of years of reading this blog (I'll admit, I've only glanced at the others), I feel like though I know quite a bit about the trials and tribulations that you've gone through, I know very little about you. I know you teach, I know a little about your family, certainly about your BDSM interests and polyamory, but what else? What are your hobbies? What would you do with an entire day all to yourself, without any household stuff to do, with our without Tom? Is there anywhere you would like to go in your remaining years?

This made me laugh ... especially that phrase, "in your remaining years."  I come from some long lived stock. My mother is 85 and still just as mean as ever.  Her mother, when she died, was 98.  She lived on her own until her very last days.  And, if my own mother is mean (and she is), my grandmother was just wicked.  Somehow, I think (I hope), I managed to duck that inheritance.  The point, however, is that I hope my "remaining years" are still likely to be fairly extensive.  I acknowledge that there are fewer years ahead than there are behind, but I imagine I might still have some number of good days (and years) ahead...

But then, there was more to this question beyond the assumption of my imminent demise.  Right.  Let me see:

1. What are your hobbies?
2. What would you do with an entire day all to yourself, without any household stuff to do, with or without Tom?
3. Is there anywhere you would like to go?

Hobbies?  Hmmmm...  I am really not a person who has cultivated hobbies.  I am a passable cook, but I cook to eat.  I really don't get into cooking as entertainment.  I have never developed any real skill with sewing or knitting or the like.  I can sew on a button, repair a seam, and make some crude and simple garments with my old, crotchety sewing machine.  I do not do embroidery or cross stitch or weaving or...  I like to read, but find that I have limited time for it.  During the school year, I read mostly so that I can prepare for my classes.  In the summer, I tend to immerse myself in reading non-fiction, and that tends to depend on what I am currently interested in.  Over the last few years, much of my reading has been related to brain science and addiction research (for obvious reasons).  I sing for myself, and it is probably pretty dreadful, but I don't usually inflict it on other people, so no harm done.  I don't play any instruments.  I'm no artist, and I take pictures of stuff with a point and shoot camera.  I have no urge to hone that into some sort of skill that would rise to the level of "photography."  I like to hike.  We don't hike much.  We walk.  Round and round and round the path we have walked a thousand times (so that He can calculate time and distance).  Walking is not hiking.  It is exercise, and exercise is not a hobby.

What would I do with a day to myself?  What would I do with days to myself?  I can imagine a life that is other than the one I am living.  Inside of THIS life, that I've chosen, and that I have no desire to give up, there is no such thing as a day to myself.  I have a family and a demanding career.  Myself and my life are all tangled up together.  That is fine.  But the question posits some entirely different life.  So, imagining that hypothetical, left to myself, I would likely redecorate my home.  I'd paint and organize and rearrange and generally create a space that was "mine."  I might take a long drive out to visit in Colorado.  I'd see the kids and the grandkids, but I'd also just wander and see the places that I remember from my youth and young adulthood. I'd probably haunt my public library, browsing the shelves, randomly, picking up this and that to just read as I felt drawn to things.  I'd hunt down interesting and quirky little restaurants to try.  I might go off with an old fashioned road map and follow the little roads...  Just going with no destination in mind.  I don't know.  Does that answer the question?

Finally, are there places I'd like to go?  Well, yes, of course!  I like to travel.  I do not like to fly, however, so there are places I'll likely never see without the help of a huge inheritance and plenty of sedative medication.  I guess that leaves the dreams of seeing Australia and Victoria Falls and the Great Wall in the realm of dreams.  If I can drive to it, I'd love to see it.  Favorite places that I'd like to revisit over and over and over:  Valley View Hot Springs, Glacier National Park, The Hoh Rainforest.  I've always wanted to travel to the northeast of the US, and am hoping to be able to do that this summer (there is a teacher grant that I have applied for that may make that possible).  I want to see the Everglades.  I'd love time to spend in Washington D.C.  Lots of time, so that I could wander and look and study and go back again and again and again.  I'd love to spend a season in New York city, seeing plays on and off Broadway.  I'd love to visit the Getty Museum...  Is that enough?

swan

"Journaling" Question

I am gratified at the response to my question about your questions.  It is interesting to me to know what it is that readers want to know.  I would have never guessed at the questions that people seem to have.  So, thank you!  I'll tackle the questions in order here, post by post.  Here's the first:

Conina -- I think it's amazing the way you've continued blogging through all these years, in an area of the blogosphere where people crop up and can disappear so quickly. I've been a sporadic writer of journals all my life (since I was 11 or so). I've only been reading here for about two years, sorry to say I haven't pored back through your archives so it's possible you've already written an answer there.

SO - my question is - have you always journaled? If yes, do you attribute the long life of your blog, your continued interest in posting here, to that? Or does blogging fill a need for an outlet, or...?

I am not a lifelong journal writer.  I grew up in a house with three younger brothers, and they were into EVERYTHING all the time.  Too, my parents were great believers in "parental sovereignty," and there were no privacy rights in their household.  There were no locked doors, or locked drawers, or even locked diaries of the sort that I remember my girlhood friends had.  In the house I grew up in, writing your inmost thoughts down was likely to mean that they were going to be the topic of discussion around the dinner table.  I was a lover of words, and I did love to write, but I poured my words into angst-riddled adolescent poems that were more cryptic, and gave me a "plausible deniability."  All these many years later, I still have the tattered folder full of those dreadful poems penned on scraps of paper so many, many years ago.  This one, in particular reminds me of the girl that was:

Golden fallen autumn leaves   Caught in an evergreen  Hanging there like ornaments  On early Christmas trees.  Out of place, yet somehow right  Like autumn flowers, blooming bright  Speak to me  Of what I have become.

All I am, and all that I will be  Is different from the plans they made for me.  I'm just a colored autumn leaf that's flown  To occupy a place not quite my own.

I began to write in this blogging format at Tom's insistence.  It was His response to my sense of isolation and uncertainty in the early days of our power dynamic.  Without a local community of like-minded others, I worried and obsessed about what I "should" be doing, and whether or not I was "doing it right."  The command that I write about my life and my worries and my efforts was to help me develop the connections within the community that would strengthen me and put my mind at ease.  I was not an eager blogger in the beginning.  I did it because He told me to do it...

But then, I got caught by the whole business.  Today, I write here because I want to write.  I have periods of time when I find myself quiet, and this blog sits for long periods of time without me finding anything to say.  I read what others write in those days, but there are no words of my own sometimes.  Then, for whatever reason, the ideas pop up again, and I come back to writing my thoughts and my days here.  I think the ebb and flow here is more placid than it once was.  I am not as frantic about how "right" or "wrong" our lives are in contrast to others.  We have lived our way to something more steady and secure, and I am no longer that fussy, obsessive, worried submissive that first ventured out onto the blogging stage.  Nowadays, I tend to say what I say, with far less need to justify or teach or find deep meaning in all of it.  It is what it is.  I am what I am.

And that seems a very long way from that young girl that saw herself in a place that was "out of place."

swan

A Question for Question and Answer Month

It has become the custom in our corner of the blogging universe that March is the month when we blogging types open up for "Questions and Answers."  I have never, once, taken this blog into the "question and answer" business -- and I'm not entirely sure that this is the year to break that pattern...

But here's the thing.  We (well, actually, mostly I) have been writing this blog (and The Swan's Heart) for a very long time -- since the end of 2004.  It feels, to me, like just about everything that could possibly be said about us has been said -- sometimes over and over and over.  Many of you have sat with us through the trials and tribulations of the years -- surgeries and illnesses and death and loss and addiction and codependency and despair and recovery.  From my whining and angst over BDSM, and polyamory, and waning sexual responsiveness, and masochistic wimpiness, to stories about who sleeps where and how far we walk when we walk -- from the funny to the sad to the absolutely crazy parts of our lives, it has all been poured out here.  If you've read along the way, you know us really pretty well.  We've been known to say that "you know us better than our own mothers do... or our kids... or just about anyone else."

And... we are not youngsters anymore.  Well, we weren't youngsters when we started all of this, if you want to know the truth.  I'm 58 years old.  T is younger than me (as I'm sure she would be happy to tell you), and He is some older.  Age is a thing.  Age is a very real thing.  I have wrinkles and scars and saggy places -- and the hairs that I hide with color from a box are graying.  I don't have the same energy or stamina as when I was younger.  I get tired.  I won't speak for T and Tom -- but I'm pretty sure that the two of them are able to give you their own lists of "aging" complaints.

So, I wonder ... Is there anything at all that you want to know about us and our lives together?  What can we say that you haven't heard before?  What are you curious about?  I am fresh out of ideas for things to tell you about us, but maybe I've missed something?

I am not promising to answer "anything and everything."  I'll do my best.  I do promise that.  But, if you hit a tender place, we'll probably just politely decline to go there.  And, I tend to resist anything that sets up a "guru" thing.  I don't have any answers for anyone else.  If you want advice about how to do TTWD, there are people who do that sort of thing -- but I'm likely to just tell you to talk with your partner, and try to make each other happy...

So, with all of those caveats, is there anything you would like to know?

swan

March Q&A -- Michael Samadhi

QUESTION -- Why?
(It's a philosophical question)


I don't know much about philosophy.


This question does, however, remind me of the thing that we teach school children about good "news" reporting or writing.  A reporter, we tell the young ones, asks a set of questions:  

Who?

What?

When?

Where?

Why?

Questioning seems to be a uniquely human activity.  Consider:

• Ants and termites and bees all recognize who is part of the hive or nest -- and who is not.
• Birds know what to look for in nesting season, as do those animals who den through the winter.
• Migratory birds and butterflies understand when to come and go; they do not need to ask.
• Spawning salmon know where they are headed without any sort of map or GPS.

Only humans ask questions, and the most uniquely human of all the questions is that "why?"  Why did this happen to me?  Why didn't I get chosen?  Why are things like this, or not like that?  Anyone who has ever lived with a two-year-old child has likely encountered that very human, "Why? Why? Why? ..."


Those of us with BDSM orientations may find that we have even more occasion to ask "why?"  Why am I like this?  Why do I want/need/like/feel the things I do?  Why can't I be like the other people I see around me.  For so many of us, myself included, the path has led through a thicket of why's.  I guess that makes BDSM radically, seriously, sincerely human.


Sue (swan)

March Q&A -- weirdgirl

QUESTION -- You are throwing a dinner party for eight guests...who would you invite and why? (no temporal limitations - persons alive or dead)


I will assume this would be a dinner party here at our homes, and so I will assume that it will be the three of us entertaining guests here.  I couldn't possibly do a big dinner thing without my sister-heart.  She is the cooking-est woman I have ever met, and her stuff is yummy!  So!

Eight guests --


I'd invite my brother, Gregg.  He died some 21 years ago from complications of AIDS.  He was beautiful and funny and intense and brilliant and utterly charming.  He would have been my very handsome twin except for the fact that he was 5 years younger.  I miss him terribly, still.


I'd want Stephen Hawkings at the table.  Hawkings has the most interesting mind on the planet today.  Maybe that is because he is so limited by his illness that he spends much of his time inside his own mind thinking things, but I suspect he might have been pretty amazing even if he had not lived for so many years with ALS.


I'd invite Antonio Banderas.  He is simply the most gorgeous man on the planet.  With Antonio at the table there'd be no need for flowers or any other sort of decorative silliness.  


I'd want Kathleen Norris, author of Dakota and Cloister Walk.  She has a deep insight into the workings of the spirit, and a wonderful clarity of language.


I'd invite Jack Gladstone, one of my favorite musicians.  Gladstone is a singer and song-writer with a historical bent.  I first saw him perform in the glory of Glacier National Park, and I've loved his music ever since.  He comes from the Blackfeet people, and I'd love to spend a few hours talking with him.


I would invent President John F. Kennedy.  He is so central to the earliest history that I am personally aware of.  I know he was a hound-dog, and I do not care.  Maybe it would be most interesting for him to be able to be with people who knew that about him and were still interested in talking to him as a person.   


I'd invite my / our therapist.  If the rules allowed it, I imagine we might be good friends -- or at least interesting companions.  I'd like to know more about her and her life.  And I'd be interested to watch her interact with so many divergent minds.

Lastly, I'd invite Dylan M.  Dylan was a student in a class I taught many, many years ago.  His parents were divorced.  His dad was a druggie and a bum.  His mom was beautiful in a classic, porcelain sort of way.  Dylan adored her.  Early in his 8th grade year, she was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor.  The powers that be determined that Dylan should go and live with his "father."  He hated it.  Worried about his mom.  Struggled to just get through the days.  He was the first student that I can remember wanting to bring home with me.  It has been probably 20 years.  Dylan would be in his mid-30's.  I often think of him and wonder how he is.

That's my list.  What an interesting evening that would make.

Sue (swan)

Q&A Month

I understand that March is Q&A month.  That has been true over the years.  I've never participated in that blog community activity, and I am a little hesitant to open myself up to it this year...  However, I am also wishing to come back to some sort of more "natural" feeling connection to this place and the people who read here.  It feels like I've been fighting just to survive; just to breathe; just to hang on for a long time.  Maybe now that the storms have passed us by, it is possible to just relax and talk about the things that feel normal again (and yes, I do know that applying the word "normal" to all of us in the lifestyle is a bit of a reach -- but that is another story).

So.  Deep breath.  Ask.  I'll do my best to answer.

Sue (swan)

I Do Not Know What to Call This

I keep hearing myself, in my head, talking to myself.  One of the things that I have been telling myself in the last few days is that "it feels like we have turned a corner."  Not literally.  The idiom means that if something or someone turns the corner, their situation starts to improve after a difficult period.  We have come through a very difficult period, and it feels like things are beginning to improve -- on a number of levels. 


That is good news.  Better is better.  It is.  I am convinced we have been carried along by powerful magic, pure un-redeemed stubbornness, remarkable good luck, and perhaps some friendly spirits.  I'm guessing that not one relationship in a hundred would have withstood the period of two or three years through which we've just passed -- and remained intact.   


So, here we are, having turned the corner.  Or seemingly so.  There is the odd sensation that I can no longer see what was.  It is behind me, around the corner, and out of sight.  All that remains is ahead of me.  What that is, I do not know.  This is such unfamiliar territory.  There are none of the familiar landmarks, and nothing that I recognize or could use by which to orient.  This side of the corner is utterly foreign.


He is feeling better and better, maybe even starting to feel good.  As that happens, He and I are beginning to circle around the resurgence of our D/s dynamic... and I am a mess.  I failed so utterly at being "slave."  Clearly, I am not up to the ideal of "no limits" slavery.  I have limits -- definite and incontrovertible, and when I am pushed, I will fight like a wild cat to protect myself in those places.  I still read around the BDSM blogging circle, and I can see where and how I fall short of the mark.  Everywhere I look, there you all are:  trusting, confident, softly submissive, sure of yourselves and sure of your dominant partners.  I tried that path; made a thorough-going mess of it, and now it is a fact that I am "in control" in our relationship to some degree.  The part of me that wants to be "good at this;" the part of me that wants to be "doing it right;" the part of me that values "success" is horrified at that truth.  I am ashamed at my weakness and inability to do what others seemingly do with ease and joy.  


My therapist tells me that there is some of my power that is mine alone; that it should never be given away; that I was foolish to ever believe that could be done safely.  No sensible person should give away all of their power to another.  She contends that, knowing that, I can choose deliberately and consciously how to share my power and create a relationship that works better than what was before.  It all sounds so rational; so sensible.  Sitting there, across from her, I can nod assent to those ideas.  Intellectually, they make perfect sense -- and then I leave and they sit inside of me like a stone.  To hear the life I dreamed of characterized in that fashion makes me feel small, foolish, diminished.  How can she be right (and I imagine she is "right"), and that make me feel so bereft?  


I am conflicted.  I love Him.  Still.  Always.  I want to be His.  Am His?  Don't know what that means.  I know where I will not go again.   I know what I will not tolerate ever again.  I imagine that requires some sort of "negotiation," and I have no idea how to do that with Him.  It sets off my famously convoluted capacity for asking "what if," and always brings me to the awful question:  "What if, after all, He doesn't want me anymore?"  


Then again, what if He does -- want me?  Still.


Sue (swan)

Dominant?

Our anonymous Louisville commenter responded to the last post with another comment and a question:


Yes, I am the one from Louisville, and I do apologize for my snarky tone. ... But I am trying to understand what it means to be truly dominant ... Is it generally true that in an extended relationship, such as a polyamorous marriage, that the dominant's happiness, health, choices are "all important"? When I read other blogs of people who seem to be in long-term committed relationships, it is generally phrased that the well-being of the family or the group, both dominant and submissives, are all important.  Obviously I have no understanding of who you or your family is ... if you can explain to me what, in your view, it means to be dominant and what role the happiness, health and choices of non-dominants should play in a polyamorous marriage, I would be grateful.


I imagine that the question was directed to Tom, although the phrasing is somewhat convoluted and confusing.  It might be that He will, at some point, choose to respond from His perspective -- or maybe not.  In any event, here is my take on the subject.


I want to begin with the characterization of our relationship as a "polyamorous marriage."  Tom and T are married.  WE are not married.  In absolute terms, there is no such thing as a "polyamorous marriage.  The laws and customs across the United States declare that marriage is "between one man and one woman."  In a very few places, the gender specificity of that has begun to shift, and gay and lesbian people are being granted the right to marry.  The law is, however, absolutely immovable with regard to the numerosity of marriage:  ONE and ONE.  Period.


We are polyamorous.  We love, with full knowledge and consent of all partners, in a non-traditional triad configuration.  The three of us are dedicated and committed to one another.  We love each other.  We do all of the ordinary and everyday things that most couples do together.  The only real difference is that we are three instead of two.  The unspoken potential that we may at some point include more within that circle is a fact.  We are not, however, nor can we hope to be, married under the current laws.

Another reality for us is that our relationships include elements that are rooted in BDSM.  We engage in power exchange dynamics.  What that means is that we intentionally shift the balance of personal power and choice between us in ways that meet our personal needs and inclinations.  Within that context, Tom identifies as Dominant, T identifies as submissive, and I identify as slave.  The struggles of the last year have given us cause to question what that means for all of us, and to evaluate what we might decide to do about that going forward.  Those questions are still, mostly, unanswered.  He has, lately, begun to entertain the idea that we need to form a new "covenant."  

As to the "central" question regarding the nature of dominance, that is (like so much in the lifestyle) very specific to the particular relationships.  Dominance is not a singular, easily definable thing.  The three of us never claim to be gurus, and so what I can speak to is the way it works in our family, and our relationships.  We have, for all of our years together, chosen to structure our lives around Tom.  He has been the root and core and guiding force of our family.  What He wanted, needed, liked -- all of this really did shape our days, and determine our direction.  His vision and His dreaming moved us forward.  That has not ever meant that T and I were unhappy or uncared for.  It did mean that we deferred to Him in just about everything.  That pleased Him, and it pleased the two of us.  

I suspect that the confusion (and sense of negative judgement) that our Louisville commenter expresses stems from the "dominant mystique" that is promulgated on the Interwebs.  Whether one reads material written by submissives or dominants, there is a tendency to draw the top half of the power exchange in glowing terms -- the knight in shining armor; larger than life.  From the submissive point of view, that is really a status thing:  a mostly unacknowledged "my dominant is better than your dominant" thing.  I don't know what drives the dominant types to participate in defining themselves as nearly perfect.  Maybe that is a "sales" pitch; or a form of arrogance; or just acceding to the cultural expectations.  Whatever energizes that, it creates all sorts of hyperbole.  Dominants, within the mythology of the lifestyle, are all wise, strong, confident, self-aware, self-controlled, empathetic, imaginative, inventive, caring, intuitive, understanding, mature, virile, handsome, inscrutable, emotionally stable, smart, on and on and on...  


We are, within the lifestyle community,  sometimes reluctant to state, clearly and unequivocably, that our dominant people are, first and always, people.  They have all the same quirks and oddities of other people.  Dominants put their pants on one leg at a time, just like mortal men.  Too, it is my belief that the dominant personality is inclined to a few characteristics that are less attractive than the usual litany.  Dominant types can be arrogant, selfish, critical, arbitrary, dictatorial, overbearing, bossy, domineering, and even mean sometimes.  They tend to want what they want, and that can build into a sense of entitlement.  Not always, of course, but the risk is real.  "Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely."  


We Herons are not models to be emulated.  Our lives and our relationship should not be viewed as a model or a prescriptive for anyone else.  We are who we are, and we've made our share of stunningly awful mistakes.  Don't try this at home.  We got trapped in a web woven by addiction.  Typical of the course of alcoholism, things progressed from manageable in the beginning to not manageable at the end.  Each of us played our part.  He drank for years and years, and over time, He drank a lot.  T and I covered for the drinking in a whole variety of ways.  I never, ever confronted His alcohol use in any effective fashion.  I complained some, but He would growl and snarl, and I would back off.  I sat in on dozens and dozens of doctor appointments with Him, and listened mutely while He told them that He would have a "couple" of drinks a day.  I didn't have the courage to stand in the face of His anger and rage.  I did not anticipate the consequences of my cowardice.  My weakness did not serve Him well.  Addiction explains His actions, decisions, and choices. I have no excuses at all.


I don't know if I answered the question asked.  I don't know if I've shed any light on these topics.  Maybe I'm just talking to myself.


Sue 

You Mean They KNOW?

One of the challenges of having blogged for years and years is that it can feel like absolutely everything there is to say has been said.  Repeatedly.  There are times when I stare at my glowing computer screen, and draw a complete blank.  Under those circumstances, it can be a relief to get any kind of spark of an idea.  Sometimes, someone will ask a question, or a series of questions, in a comment -- and I'll realize that there are still some things that I haven't written about here; bits and pieces of life that I never imagined anyone would care about.  An anonymous comment left today worked exactly like that, pointing to a gap in this long-running conversation...


So let me get this straight, your ex-husband's wife reads this blog, which means your ex and almost certainly your adult kids must know about it as well. And we know Tom's daughter knows because she referenced this blog when she uninvited Tom to her wedding. So the rest of Tom's family probably knows about this blog too, human nature being what it is.


And yet you still blog! I'm honestly curious, I'm not trying to be mean or negative, why doesn't it bother you? Or does it and you feel it's too important to give up? Or maybe you want your family to know about your intimate thoughts and feelings? You believe in total transparency? Or do you feel that if they read it, that's their problem, that you didn't invite them here, etc.?


I'm honestly curious because I know I would be unable to do it myself. I'm trying to understand. :)


So, anonymous, this is for you.  But first, you seem to have been reading here long enough to know that we don't really appreciate anonymous commenters.  We like names; some sort of moniker by which we might recognize you should you choose to reappear here in the future.  Probably it is a function of our ages... we think that conversations begin with a polite "hello," and an introduction where appropriate.  Given that you and I missed that "hello, my name is ___________________" step, I'll just call you "Santa Rosa."  I hope you don't mind.


Santa Rosa -- 
I have to admit that your questions really caught me off guard.  And, actually, that isn't true.  It wasn't the questions themselves so much as the shocked tone that surprised me.  Even with your "I'm not trying to be mean or negative" disclaimer, you sound scandalized.  That's where I'd like to start.  What is it about our relationship; our family that would give cause for scandal?  We love one another.  We care for one another.  We do the things that families do -- gathering over dinner, sharing chores, making decisions about finances, supporting one another through the tough days, and rejoicing for one another when things go well.  We are a family.  Admittedly, there are more of us than you will find in a traditional marriage.  We are three and not two.  Tom and T were already a couple when I met them.  They were in love, and in time they married.  I was there to celebrate the occasion with many of their friends and family members.  When love grew up between He and I, we did not do what is so often done by those in "traditional" marriages.  We did not decide that someone had to "lose" so that someone else could "win."      Rather than kicking one love to the curb in order to actualize a loving connection to another love, we chose, deliberately, to stay together -- and love each other.  What is it about that choice that causes you to sound so shocked?  


Maybe it is our sexual and erotic lifestyle that give you pause.  Maybe it is the clear and unvarnished admission here that we are sexual with one another, and that our erotic preferences are out of the "mainstream."  There is, sadly, still societal bias against our BDSM and poly relational styles -- a deep seated prejudice insisting that there is something wrong, perverse, sick, and shameful about us.  I reject that set of assumptions and biases.  There is nothing wrong with loving as we love.  Our erotic orientation toward BDSM is not perverse or sick, although it is surely different than what we sometimes call vanilla sexuality.  You may assume, Santa Rosa, that there is something for me to be ashamed of in what is written here -- but that is your perception and does not match anything in my reality.


Begin with that perspective, and the rest of your confusion and bewilderment will probably lessen significantly.  


So, let's tick off the cast of "known" readers who are related to us, one way or another:

• My ex-husband's wife.  Yes.  Clearly, she is a reader here.  She didn't learn about us through her marriage to the ex-husband.  She knew of us before my divorce.  In fact, she was in a spanking relationship with Master before I arrived on the scene.  So, I very much doubt that anything she is reading here is shocking to her.  
• Ex-husband.  I don't know if he reads here or not.  He may.  I have nothing to hide from him.  We were married.  For 28 years.  We are no longer married.  He knows about my life and my relationship.  He lived the beginnings of this with me.  It wasn't for him.  I hope he is happy in his new life.  I wish him all the best.
• My adult children.  My son is 35, and my daughter is 33.  They are really, really all grown up.  They both know about my lifestyle.  I don't bring it up, and they generally don't ask.  What is important to the two of them is that I am well and loved and cared for.  They understand and appreciate that this is my choice.    They know about this place.  They might read here -- or not.  I suspect that they do not.  Probably, they are like many adults who would prefer not to know the details of their parents' sex lives, and so simply do not look.  Like you, Santa Rosa, they would have to make deliberate choices to read here.  They are surely welcome if they are curious.
• Master's ex-wife.  Yes.  She has made it clear that she knows about this blog.  Our stats show that she peeks in from time to time.  She doesn't bring it up and neither do we.  If she had questions, we'd be happy to answer them.  Our relationship with her remains cordial.
• Master's adult daughter.  Yes, she did, indeed, make it clear that she knew about us; had read the blog; and was, like you Santa Rosa, shocked and appalled.  In her anger with her Father, at the time of her wedding, she made some pretty clumsy threats about perhaps exposing us...  But I imagine that her better instincts kicked in and she chose to take the high road.  After all, if she isn't going to relate to us, why would she care what we do or do not do.  It does not impact her life in any way.
• Master's adult son.  Hmmm...  I always think that one knows everything and understands more than that.  He is the wisest young person I have ever had the privilege to know.  To date, he has not given us any indication that he knows about this blog, but I wouldn't be surprised if his sister, or his mother, put him on to us.  Again, there is nothing here of which we are ashamed; nothing in our lives which we hide from our families.  

We DO still blog, Santa Rosa.  We have blogged for a very long time now.  It will be seven years next month.  The words here tell our story.  The words here give us peace.  The words let us talk with each other and with our community.  The words help us work out confusions and conundrums.  It is an important outlet for us; an important connection.  


You suggest that perhaps it doesn't matter about our families reading here because we didn't invite them to read this blog, and so it is their problem.  Actually, for some of them, that isn't true.  My adult children were in fact told about this blog and invited to read (or not) if they wanted to do that.  We invite everyone in some sense.  We do not hide.  We never have.  Some people find this blog interesting.  Some, I think, find it helpful as they chart their own course.  Maybe some even find it titillating or exciting, although I have to admit that I find that one hard to comprehend.  


When it is all said and done, Santa Rosa, this blog is for us.  We do it because it works for us on a lot of different levels.  There are risks.  We know that.  We understand that what we write here is "out there" for anyone and everyone to see.  We live with that reality.  The fact is that the danger is there whether we write or not.  The society in which we live is continually in opposition to people like us.  The threat never ends; never goes away; is never completely out of our awareness.  We live our lives in hiding.  We keep ourselves to ourselves.  We are ever alert to the potential of exposure in the wrong place.  We write to connect.  We write to affirm our lives and our reality.  We write because that is what we can do.  Those who love us, love us.  For the rest?  They will never see what is wrong with their righteousness.  I have no time for them.


swan

This comment just came through on the Celebrations post:

I wonder
if that is important, and
if he has spanked you lately, and
if I am childish for even asking. :)

There it is -- that knack that readers here seem to have of going right to the heart of the things that we DO NOT say, and forcing us to tell the truth.

Truth.  No.  He has not spanked me lately.  Really not since this all began.  There have been a couple of pretty sad tries.  Neither of us seem to be in the right space, although we sometimes dance around the topic with one another -- testing the waters maybe.

Is it important?  In the grand scheme of things, probably not.  We have a lot facing us just now.  On an emotional level, for the sake of our intimate lives together, it feels important to me.  Right now though, we are in a medical health crisis.  We didn't spank after my appendectomy.  We didn't spank after His knee replacement.  We didn't spank through the long weeks after His bariatric surgery, when He was hooked to the wound vacuumn, and just working to stay alive.  We've had periods of time when serious things forced us to put the spanking part of our lives on hiatus.  I need to believe that this is one of those times.  I need to believe that, as healing happens and wellness comes to be the norm, we'll find our way back to that part of our sexuality.

As for it being childish to ask, I don't know.  It is some significant part of what makes us "us."  I don't blame anyone for wondering if we really still are the people we claimed to be for so many years.  The problem is that I really don't know the answer to that question yet.

swan

Slave? Power Exchange? What?

This comment, left on the Bricks post, needs some sort of response --

The question I have for you, and I also realize you may read this and delete this, is this:

BDSM exists on a delicate power structure. One person gives another person power over them. One person exerts power over another person. Tomato, tomato.


When the events of the fairly recent past transpired, you usurped his power. Clearly, you also demonstrated that if he goes to far over the line, you will do it again. For a relationship that exists on the perception that he has the power, how is it possible to repair that perception?


Please understand that I am not judging you. Him. T. You did what you felt was right for your safety and well-being at the time. I do not participate in the lifestyle nor polyamoury, but I think people are entitled to live however it makes them happy and as long as it is consensual.


And I will understand if you feel the need to delete this comment as I also feel you tend to romanticize your relationship, particularly since you share much of it here on the really, really big 'silver screen,' and may not want to deal with/believe in/agree with what I am suggesting.


However, you are too smart to not to have thought of this yourself...

Hmmmm....  It is a fair question.  I've spent time myself, trying to figure out what to say about the "state of our power exchange" in the aftermath of our recent upheavals.  I am not sure that I have a clear enough vision of all of the forces that acted on all of us to really explain this, but it won't hurt to start the discussion.  Perhaps, writing about it can help me gain some clarity in my own thinking.

I think the commenter puts forth an interesting set of propositions, however, I sense that the assumptions underlying this analysis of our dynamic are, at best, unsophisticated and naive (after all, our commenter makes it clear that he/she does "... not participate in the lifestyle nor polyamoury").  I'll deconstruct that thinking first, and then see if I can shed any light on the "what just happened here" feeling that I am experiencing (perhaps along with a few of our readers) at this point.

So -- to the fallacies and misconceptions:

1)  BDSM exists on a delicate power structure.  BDSM is, first of all, not a monolithic, one size fits all, thing.  The acronym points to a whole, wide range of behaviors and practices, and those who engage in the lifestyle tend to ascribe to some of those behaviors and practices, but rarely does anyone take part in everything that might be considered BDSM.  Too, the notion that a BDSM power exchange is, by definition,  "delicate," is just simply not factually true.  I've seen partners, playing together casually, on an occasional basis, negotiate very finely crafted agreements that define how, exactly, the power will flow between them -- but that is not what typically happens between long-term, life-partners like us.  Our power structure is not at all delicate.  It ebbs and flows with the day to day realities of our lives, and we have, on occasion, shifted the nominal control from Him to me when circumstances warranted it.  We live in the real world, after all -- not in the fantasy land of BDSM fiction.

2)  One person gives another person power over them. One person exerts power over another person.  Ummmm... maybe, but not necessarily.  I know I've talked about the nature of power-based relating in our lives before.  It is one of my recurring lectures in this space, so I apologize to those who've heard all of this before...  All relationships have a power dynamic.  We human animals jostle for power with one another in every single encounter.  I exert power in my classroom, choosing to share it in limited and controlled ways with my young charges -- to their benefit I hope.  Driving down the highway, commuting to work, I balance the power and energy flow with all those other drivers who share the road with me.  Standing in the checkout line at the grocery, I hold my space through a civilized, but very definite, insistence on my own power.  In relationships with other people, social, intimate, professional, political...there is ALWAYS a flow of power.  He and I deliberately and consciously choose to recognize our various power quotients, and we then work to balance that energy and resource between us in the service of our intimate connection.  I don't "give" Him my power.  He does not exert power over me.  We share the power in ways that we design and define.  We balance each other.  It isn't so much an exchange as it is a dynamic, living flow.

3)  When the events of the fairly recent past transpired, you usurped his power. "Usurped" is a strong word.  To usurp is to assume or seize and take control without authority and possibly with force.  To usurp is to take as one's right or possession.  To usurp is to seize power from another, usually by illegitimate means.  When "the events of the fairly recent past transpired," I did take control of the situation, and when it became clear that both T and I were at risk of imminent physical harm, I exerted physical force to ensure our safety.  I did not, however, seize control FROM Him, because, frankly, He was not in control in that moment.  The alcohol was in control.  The alcohol was calling the shots.  The alcohol was threatening our safety and our very lives.  I've no right to ever undermine His authority, and I did not take power from Him that night.  I worked to keep Him safe, to prevent Him from acting in ways that would forever destroy His capacity to take His rightful place inside our family.  And, yes, I would do it again if the need arose.  He knows it.  T knows it.  I know it. 

4)  For a relationship that exists on the perception that he has the power, how is it possible to repair that...  He exerts power within our relationship exactly as He chooses.  He is exactly who He is with me and with T.  Sometimes, He lays the power down; puts it aside while He works to tend to other things that press upon His energies.  That has been the case following major surgeries, during times of great stress and grieving, when life simply overwhelms Him.  The myth of the all powerful, never faltering, perfect Dominant is not one to which He or we subscribe.  I have picked up the reins of control before when He needed me to do that, and I may do so again.  When I do that, it is precisely because I am needed in that capacity.  It is a kind of service that is, in the longer view, an essential contribution to our lives together.

5)  You did what you felt was right for your safety and well-being at the time.  In the most simple terms this statement is true, but there is a deeper drive to this move toward personal safety.  I am His.  T is His.  I know that life is not always fun and games, and my role in His life is to serve Him to the best of my ability.  When the situation places His "property" at risk, then my clear duty and charge is to protect and preserve what belongs to Him.  So, yes, I acted to preserve my life, and to protect T and myself, and I likely would have done that even if there were no power dynamic between us -- but there is no conflict in my mind as I acted to protect His property when He was unable to do that Himself.

6)  I also feel you tend to romanticize your relationship.  I am sure that I DO tend to romanticize my life with Him.  I am human, after all.  I'm not the only one who, in corresponding with friends and far flung acquaintances, puts the best face on things.  I do that on a pretty regular basis.  Consider that writing a blog like this is a little like putting out a Christmas newsletter many times each week -- it is the Lake Wobegon effect:  all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are above average.  I doubt very much that there is anyone else, writing as I do, who could honestly plead "not guilty" to this kind of charge.


And so, I am left with my own sense of personal disorientation and disquiet in the wake of the events of these last weeks.  I do know that I forcefully, and determinedly charted a course for us all through the storm that engulfed our family.  I have struggled, in the aftermath with a sense of uneasiness about that reality.  I have wished (because EVERYONE knows that we who claim the title of slave really just want to abdicate any sort of adult responsibility), that something magical would happen and everything would revert to its former, familiar, and largely comfortable pattern.  Except that I don't.  Because I know that as familiar and comfortable as things were "back then," they were also seriously dysfunctional and broken.  I believe that we have to go forward, all of us, together to something healthier and better.  We will never again be what we were before.  We will find our way through this process, and in time, we will re-establish our lives on a firmer ground and a stronger foundation.  I know that He maintains the capacity to direct our lives, and I believe that He will do that again in time.  I look forward to the day when He takes me back in His arms, puts the collar back around my neck, and guides me forward into the life that He envisions for us together.  Until that day, I serve in the best way I know.  I am His -- always and all ways.

swan

Advice?

Bella came back and commented on that Choices post (the one that was generated from her comment about my advice to my 20 year old self).  As sometimes happens in this medium, I misunderstood some of what she was asking, and so she clarifies --

Ahh you misunderstand me, my fault. I am divorced and have had a white picket fence. Not what I am looking for. I married a musician, and then a Master, and had houses and children. Now 17 years old. I am not looking to live my life over, just wondering about my future. I don't know guess i want some advice.

I feel bad about that, actually.  I think I can hear the desperate wanting in that "guess I want some advice," and I am afraid that I (and we) are likely to disappoint.  I have no advice.  We don't give advice here.  We are just people, living our lives, and we continue to insist that we are not "gurus." There are bloggers who DO that, but not us.

It is one of the inherent risks of writing this sort of ongoing personal journal.  People read here, sometimes for awhile, and come to see us as larger than life, worthy of imitation, wiser than we will ever likely be.  When a person stumbles across this place, depending on what is going on in the moment, I suppose it is possible to assume that we "have it all together," and "know what we are doing."  That is very much an illusion.  On another day, another reader might find us mired in conflict and misery and confusion, and conclude that we are just a pure mess.  Neither assessment is accurate. 

We are, for all that we live a uniquely configured life, pretty much just like the people you might know in your day to day life -- your neighbors, co-workers, friends.  We have joys and sorrows, triumphs and challenges, moments of angst and times of high humor.  We are human beings with human faults and failings. 

We describe some of our life in this place.  But... not all of it.  There are things we do not share, for a variety of reasons.  Some of it is boring.  Other parts of it are tender and too sensitive for us to lay in front of the eyes of strangers.  Sometimes, it is just too embarrasing to lay out on these pages.  Occasionally, whatever it is, we don't manage to find the words that will make it live on these pages.  No one should ever assume, having read bits and pieces here, that they actually know what we are about.  It is impossible.

So, no advice for Bella or for anyone else.  All we really have to offer is the possibility of acquaintanceship, companionship, and sometimes even friendship. 

As for that question that Bella asks so plaintitively:  "I am not looking to live my life over, just wondering about my future," it is hard to know what to say.  The future is as opaque to me as it is to anyone else.  I generally try to remind myself that it (the future) really doesn't exist yet -- except in my imagination.  I think; I hope; that I have some measure of control in creating the future that lies ahead of me, but I don't know for sure.  I know, looking back along the path I've traveled to this point, that as desperate and hopeless as I felt at 35 (Bella's age), no one could have convinced me that there was any sort of joy and happiness out ahead of me.  I felt stuck, trapped, defined by all the choices I'd made -- and I was sure that there was no hope for anything to ever get better.  I could not see, from that long ago place in my life, this future.  I dreamed it, but I never really believed it could happen for me.  I was too busy trying to keep myself and my children afloat on a sea of trouble to enact even the smallest part of "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams..."  So.  No advice.  Perhaps only this bit of hard earned wisdom -- today is only today; it is not a prediction.  The future can hold all the dreams that you can dream.  There is no cost to imagining, dreaming, hoping, and planning.  And it is really true that doing those things makes the path to the life we imagine. 

swan

People Have the Right to Live Their Lives

I was driving in to school on Friday morning, listening to our local NPR station.  One interview focused on a new television series, Treme, that is set in post-Katrina New Orleans:



It was interesting to hear the story of the rebirth and rebuilding of this very unique American city, told by a journalist who has spent some significant time in the once devastated city, learning the people and the culture of the place.  As he talked about the genesis and concept of the show, Treme, he descibed bits of the social milieu of New Orleans, that cannot be seen by those who are merely "touristing" in the place.  He described the time that he'd spent learning his way into the place, coming to know the people in their bars and homes and churches and clubs; slowly coming to absorb the culture of the city by being in it.  It is that experience and that understanding that defines the shape of the television show.  The writers of Treme are less concerned with explaining the phenomenon of New Orleans to the viewer, and more interested in simply portraying the place with as much fidelity as they can manage.  It is, then, up to the individual to do the work to learn to know what is.

And then, he said the most interesting thing, "Exposition is soul killing.  People have the right to live their lives without explaining it to you."  My ears perked up and I almost gasped out loud, "YES!"  I called Master, still at home, and asked Him if He might write down the references for me so I could remember how struck I was by that notion -- so that I could find my way back to it this evening when I had time to write. 

How true that simple declaration is for those of us who write these blogs.  We gather up and preserve the bits and pieces of our very real, and sometimes almost inexplicable lives, and we lay them out here in whatever semblance of order we can manage.  Our stories and our dreams and our hopes and our fears festoon the "pages" of these personal web-based diaries.  For our readers, learning about who we are and how we live cannot be a matter of simply cruising by as if one were on some sort of air conditioned tour bus. 

I can't speak for any of my neighbors in this corner of the blog universe, but this blog is not meant to offer advice.  It isn't a place for people to find some sort of BDSM "how to."  It isn't a collection of stories or butt pictures.  Truly, there are no "explanations" here.  These pages chronicle our minutes, our hours, our days.  Spend time, and you'll find us open and friendly.  Piece by piece, reading here, a person might come to know us and know our lives by simply being with us.  Get to know us, and you might find you wonder why we do this or how we came to be like that...  And if we've come to know you and trust you, we might take pleasure in showing you what it is that you want to know.  That will go better for both of us if we avoid the temptation to try to describe and detail and explain.  Let us live our lives the way we choose, right in front of you, and watch how it evolves.  Doing that will show you things that we'd never be able to TELL you, and it will speak to us of respect and tolerance and acceptance.

I really like it:  "Exposition is soul killing.  People have the right to live their lives without explaining it to you." 

swan