Polyamory Observations #15

I received an email last weekend from someone who has known our family from before we WERE family. She wrote wondering about "poly" issues, and having made that response, I have not been able to let it go entirely. I can't shake the feeling that there is something worthy in the responses that I made over the weekend -- something that might be shared with others who are thinking about changing their lives radically to begin a poly relationship.

The short version of our story is that when we met, we were two couples living 1200 miles apart in Cincinnati and Denver. We first connected online in a couple of Internet chat rooms dedicated to the practice of domestic discipline. I was married to the father of my children. T was collared to Master. We began a conversation on line that was, initially, driven largely by my growing curiosity about BDSM and its relationship to domestic discipline. He was remarkably cordial, patient, and tolerant of my questions. Over a period of two years, we came to know one another very well. We traveled to visit in one another's homes. We played together. We spent hours and hours and hours on line and on the phone. In time we came to be in love, and to believe it was the right thing for us to come together and be a family. There is plenty more of detail and nuance and growth and feeling to that story, but that outline will suffice for the purposes I have in mind here.

Saying all of that like that makes it all seem easy. In fact, there were parts of our evolution into the family that we are today that were very easy and great fun. We learned about one another as we went along, and that journey formed the foundation of our lives together; shaped our memories and family traditions, and gave us a basis for managing our lives. On the other hand, there have been parts of this that have been difficult or challenging. We've wrestled with combining households, finances, schedules, careers, goals, families, traditions. We've had to work through all sorts of "details" that any other folks might have to address in any committed relationship -- except every interaction impacts the three of us, and that multiplies the complexity. We haven't just skated along all happy and sunny. Most telling, perhaps was my divorce from my husband of 27 years. The end of my marriage didn't arise FROM our poly, but it was likely driven by it. The marriage should have dissolved long before it did, but the event was painful nevertheless.

So, when we talk about our poly household, and our poly lifestyle, we've got the chops. We've paid our dues, and we've worked out all sorts of wrinkles. We know at least some of what this entails.

My correspondent has a husband and children -- those "children" are not babies, toddlers, or even school-agers. They are likely in their late teens or perhaps twenties. She is younger than I am, by a good bit. She told me that she'd met a couple on line; that they'd known each other "for awhile;" and that recently they'd met face to face for drinks. The outcome of that meeting was that she and they have come to believe that they are deeply and emoionally bonded to each other and should be together for life. She is also intrigued with the prospect of becoming sexually intimate with both of them. She is contemplating a cross-country move to be with these people. She hasn't discussed any of this with the husband. She wondered if I could give her some ideas or advice about how to proceed.

I did that. I haven't heard back from her since. I guess she didn't like what I had to say. That's a pity, but here is the blunt truth of this from my perspective -- for her, but for anyone else who is thinking about "poly," and believing that it will all be easy and simple:

1) New Relationship Energy (NRE) is a very real and very potent force. It makes people crazy, and it makes them stupid more often than not. When a relationship is very new, it is filled to overflowing with excitement. Infatuation is a dangerous thing because we simply do not see clearly when we are infatuated with someone -- or someones. Too, in the throes of NRE, it is common for a person to look at an existing relationship and see it as dull, boring, tired or tiresome, lacking in romance, and maybe even expendable. When we are all wrapped up in NRE, it is nearly impossible to remember the time when we felt that same excitement for our existing partner. Judgements made in the midst of NRE are often faulty.

2) Polyamory is, by definition, a relationship model that is grounded in honesty and openess. If you are practicing polyamory, all your partners and potential partners are included in the information loop. Everybody involved knows what you are about, and everyone has standing to feel the way they feel about that. You are not responsible for anyone's emotional reaction, although you may care, but you are not entitled to work to short-circuit their ability to react. If you are lying (by omission or comission), if you are hiding, if you are sneaking or going behind a partner's back, if you are keeping secrets, if you are actively cheating, if your partner is left out, discounted, or excluded, then what you are doing is NOT polyamory. There are names for that sort of behavior, but it never even approaches being polyamory. Lack of honesty will kill your existing relationship, and likely eventually, the habit of dishonesty will poison the ground for all your relationships.

3) If you have come to the conclusion that you are really "done with" your current relationship, the responsible and mature (and ultimately kindest) thing to do is to clean up the details of ending that relationship. Do that as directly and as gently as you possibly can, but do it. Polyamory (or the pretext of being polyamorous) should not be used as a wedge to drive off the current partner that you are angry with, or bored with, or whatever.

4) Deciding to enter into a long distance relationship of any kind is a serious undertaking. Long-distance relating is terribly hard. There are people who do it and do it well. They make the choices, make the sacrifices, pay the costs, and reap the rewards. But, it is not a life choice for the weak or selfish.

5) If entering into a new relationship means that you must move some distance, think very carefully. Deciding to move away from your home and your community to start over new someplace else is a very big deal. Leaving the place that you have your roots is wrenching. We seldom recognize all the ties we have to a place. There are favorite hangouts, and friends, and jobs, and familiar patterns. The places where we live have sounds and smells and a particular play of light and shadow that cannot be duplicated in another locale. Missing the old place is almost always part of moving to a new place (even if the new place has charms and delights of its own). And, missing the old place can go on for a really long time. Becoming attached and rooted someplace new takes time and the adjustment is exhausting.

6) Not everyone that we meet on line is honest about who they are. People sometimes lie. Surprise! If the thought is that there will be a joining of lives and loves, there are practical considerations. Things like housing and income and insurance and bills and the like must be considered. I'd suggest investigating potential new partners fairly carefully. Background checks, and references, and sexual histories, and STD testing are all things to think about BEFORE making the leap into the deep waters of fulltime, live-in relating. I didn't do that, and I've had no regrets, but that doesn't mean I was wise or careful or sensible.

7) Living in a poly world is not easy. I think that people who first encounter the notion think that it is all about lots of sex and lots of choices and lots of variety. Maybe that happens for some people, and maybe it really does work out, but living in poly relationships is hard, and all that imagined sexiness can get buried in the realities of negotiating all the relational dynamics. Living day to day in a multi-partner relationship requires huge effort and energy. Everyone involved has to take responsibility for their own stuff. The communication has to be clear and open and consistent. You have to talk to each other about things even when you don't want to -- especially when you don't want to. You cannot duck the hard things. You can't always get what you want. No one can. So you have to be sure about what you will feel like and what you will do when your own wants and needs get put on hold for the benefit of someone else. There are great potential gains to choosing a poly relationship dynamic, but there are costs as well.

I have a friend who refers to "Pollyanna Poly's." They are the ones who will wax poetic about the joys of poly. I am not one of those. I love my partners, and I wouldn't trade our life for the world, but I wouldn't recommend this as a choice for most people. So, I guess I'm not the person to ask if you are wanting the "seal of approval" on your plans to stand your life on its head for a chance to become poly. If poly grabs you by the throat and won't let you go, then you should do your best to figure it out. Otherwise, there are way easier ways to get through life.

swan