Polyamory Observations #18

Some people, when they are new to polyamory, wonder about the various configurations of poly relating.  It is a complicated question to answer because there are lots and lots of relationship forms that show up once people begin to explore the possibility of relating outside of the Noah's arc model of two by two.  Throw away the idea that romantic love is constrained to pairs, and suddenly there is a vast array of alternatives -- fours, fives, moresomes, webs, clans, tribes, whatevers.  Like so many other labels, used in other contexts, the labels that people use to describe these "more than" two relationships, give bits of informations, but fall far short of telling the whole story.  To know that some set of people identify as a poly triad, or a poly vee really doesn't give you a full understanding of who relates to who, or how they relate along the various lines of contact inside the dynamic.

We have, variously, described our particular version of polyamory as a "poly triad," or a "poly vee (V)."  Both constitute fairly commonly used geometrically-based descriptors for relationships that involve three partners rather than the traditional couple.  While we tend to use the terms interchangeably, there is an understood difference in what is implied by triad as opposed to vee. 

A triad is a triangle where each of the partners is equally in love and involved with the other two.  Vee's are relationships where two partners relate to the third partner -- at the "hinge," but not necessarily directly to one another. 

Our family doesn't exactly match either of those models.  Surprise, surprise!

We are, absolutely, all "in love" with one another, and we surely are completely involved with one another.  However, we are all heterosexual, and T and I are not sexual with one another.  So, our triad/triangle keeps us all engaged with one another -- even if the only time we all pile into bed together is if Himself is in the middle getting petted and pampered by both T and I.  That works for us, but I know there are some who would say the lack of "sexual" love between T and I makes it "not poly." 

We also operate, in some ways, like a vee.  There is very little doubt that she and I both relate to Master, and in some ways, He really does provide that "hinge" point with the two of us out at the ends of the metaphorical V.  But it isn't as simple as that.  There are times when either T or I assume the hinge role, occupying the space in the center of the family, and serving in the role of conduit between the other two.  So our vee shifts depending on the circumstances.  In our case, the "hinge" is not simply or only a point where sexual contact may occur.  The hinge person is relating intensively in two directions at essentially the same time.  What the nature of that intensive relatedness is varies.  It might be a negotiation role, or a mediation role, or an advocacy role, or a role that entails education of one partner about the other. 

Maybe, for those rare few who do it like we do it, the more accurate descriptor would be "shifting vee."

swan