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We are three adults living in a polyamorous triad family. The content here is intended for an adult audience. If you are not an adult, please leave now.

12/28/2008

Polyamory Observations #11


I just cannot get my mind off the subject of marriage these days, and specifically, the subject of marriage equality.

Some of that, probably much of that, is the continued consternation, around here, about the involvement of Rick Warren in the Obama inauguration. That unfortunate impending horror is so terribly offensive to those who campaigned to defeat California's odious proposition 8, and who see the question of marriage equality for those who are GLBT as a simple matter of civil rights. I'd count myself there.

There's just one problem with all of that, and that is that I know that some significant part of the GLBT community won't stand up for MY right to the same marriage equality they want so desperately for themselves. I know that as the right wing hate mongers start pointing to the "slippery slope" that leads to (HORRORS!) polygamy and polyamory, there are plenty of gay, bi, and lesbian folks that are more than happy to go over to the dark side and declare that "they never want to see multiple partner marriage equality. That is nowhere on their radar or agenda."

Here's the link to Tristan Taromino's keynote on the subject at the October Poly Pride event: Poly Pride Keynote



My present distress over this whole subject is, in some large degree, related to an interesting bit of fantasizing that I let myself fall into as the campaign season rambled along. I let myself imagine a society, a world, where people everywhere simply understand that "marriage" is about people who love one another choosing to create suitable family structures for themselves. I let myself believe that we might come to a reasonable understanding that there have been many successful and working "marriage" / "family" structures throughout human history, and the fact that we view man/woman pairings as the "norm" is really only a simple bit of cultural myopia. I let myself imagine that we might soon come into a more enlightened time where all the narrowness, hatred, intolerance, and sheer dishonesty that gets spewed by the right-wing fringe would begin to be quieted as more sensible heads began to guide public policy and thought.



Call me PollyAnna.



I am coming to terms, in the last little bit, with the reality that, whatever comes to pass in the fight for "marriage equality," it is never going to reach me. The longing to be able to publicly BE really a "spouse" is strong in me, but it is a longing that will have to forever go unanswered. There is no distinction made between all of us inside our own walls, between legally spouse and not-legally spouse, but the world surely marks the difference -- and acts upon the distinction. I can't ask my employer for leave time to deal with illness of my "non-spouses." I can't manage my finances in concert with my spice without all sorts of silly and annoying contrivances -- because we aren't married. I can't show up at social events with my partners. I can't even talk about the people who are part of my days without generating serious risks to my ongoing livilihood. I have to dance the dance in a thousand little ways everyday, and there is no way around it all. It is what it is.



I understand that not all poly people want marriage. I understand that there are many people out there who are linking up in a thousand different ways that have nothing at all to do with traditional marriage.



It's just me. I want the right to choose marriage. And I can't have it. Ever.



swan

10 comments:

  1. You have my deep sympathy about the reality of this swan. I'm sorry that society doesn't acknowledge you.

    Have you ever investigated traveling to and getting married in a country where polygamy was legal? If you did, I do believe that the US must acknowledge the marriage because it was legally undertaken. Just as a gay marriage must be acknowledged as legal in a state its not currently legal once its done in a state it is legal.

    Spose I could be mistaken. But it might be worth investigating with a lawyer who specializes in international law and marriage laws specifically. It might be expensive for a lengthy discussion, but you are only looking for a simple answer as to where you can get married.

    And never minding all that...I just want you to know that in my mind you are Mrs. Always will be.

    If I ever come off as if I don't think that way it was an unconscious error based on socialization that I'm not habituated to do differently because I too conform in many ways. I too find it better, easier, safer to conform about many things in my life than to buck the system. Its a painful thing, no matter what the topic is because a part of you isn't fully validated in your outer world even if the important people, places and situations are validated.

    So...If you ever catch me being unconscious of it, I sure hope you'll speak up to me. I would want such a correction. Especially knowing how you feel about these issues and I think it very important that there be some places in your life that you can feel strong in correcting those around you if it feels needed.

    Your place at the sides of Tom and T is a blessing to behold. Thank you for sharing your marriage with us all. *smiles*

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  2. Ahhhh. Shannee. Thank you. Simple affirmation that is worth more than you can know.

    Thank you for your words. Thank you for your presence in my life.

    swan

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  3. Hello swan

    I'm not living exactly in the same situation as you, but I have an unconventional relationship and I see that as I continue to grow and evolve my relationships are likely to always bee outside of the " Mainstream "...I think my values and personality will naturally often lead me to polyamory.

    And although it is not marriage that I especially want, like you, I wish that there was sometimes something that was more tangibly explainable or cementing or validating to hold up to my outer world.

    swan, it is a big question...but what do you think that people like you and I could do to effect any real change in perception or acknowledgment of this area?

    Warm wishes,

    Olivia

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  4. Swan,
    I don't seem to have anything more to say than Greenwoman shared - and so usually I would just keep quiet. But I wanted to at least "second" her words, and give you my support and comfort.
    You ARE a married partner in my view, and I do hope that someday our society will get on board.
    hugggggg
    Tapestry

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  5. Anonymous7:15 PM

    Swan,
    I think you are so right that we will live in a far better world when it acknowledges functional love vs dysfunctional by what is safe, caring, nurturing, and healthy not by which families follows it's rules of matching.
    You carry your loss with real grace, and are such an asset to your family. I think all who read here understand that you are a wife in all eyes that matter most, and hope that brings some comfort.

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  6. *smiles* I appreciate all three of you for the same reasons swan...You affirm me just by being yourself. No more. No less.

    And I was thinking back over the recent political conversations you've shared here lately about the inauguration. It is much clearer to me now just where the great depths of hurt is stemming from regarding that decision of Obama's. I hope that my pragmatic political opinions about it didn't poke hard at these very vulnerable feelings the three of you so reasonably have.

    If so, then I am deeply sorry for not being more sensitive.

    I should have thought about this part of why it is so painful for you. I am still pragmatic about the whole inauguration thing, but I am no less clear that I think that families should be able to declare themselves in whatever form love creates in the hearts of the people involved. Love is limitless and untamable...and were it allowed to flourish in this world without controls that society currently puts on us all regarding social norms, we'd have a much happier, peaceful world.

    Love is a grace and I sure am glad to witness yours. Blessings to you.

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  7. Your post makes me wonder what the rules would be for a polyamorous couple here in Canada. Here one becomes legally "common-law" married after 6 months of a live-in, intimate relationship with a person of either gender (ie. it works the same for gay couples as for straight). This enables all spousal rights, like time off for spousal care, filing tax returns together etc. (On the flip side, on separation it legally requires a half-half split of assets gained during the relationship, which can catch some people up.)
    But I wonder how it would work in your situation, where you became common-law married to someone who was already married? I will have to look into this.
    As usual, thanks for the wonderful, thought-provoking posts.

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  8. Anonymous2:51 PM

    swan, I am sorry this pains you. Our society recognizes the superficial structure, not the heart to heart reality underneath. I too, see you as Mrs. in every way that matters.

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  9. Anonymous6:52 PM

    It's bothered me for years that for all our own understanding of who we are, I will never get to be the wife. I don't know the answers here. I do wish there was a way around it though. It's hard to convey what's missing until you find yourself unable to have the acknowledgment directly.

    In fact, even CC and Master haven't always understood it. They figure if we understand what do I care what others think?

    And, I can't quite put the words on it. Thanks for this.

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  10. Just looked briefly into the laws in Canada, and they are very muddy. While polygamy has not been prosecuted for a long time, it is still in the criminal code. However, people are slowly realizing that a law originally designed to protect women actually disempowers the second wives in immigrant polygamous families, because they can't exist under the laws of their new country. The law is being looked at in the higher courts as potentially unconstitutional at the moment.
    An interesting take from a gay perspective:
    http://www.xtra.ca/public/viewstory.aspx?AFF_TYPE=2&STORY_ID=4772&PUB_TEMPLATE_ID=7
    Sorry to take up so much space.

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