Contact Info --

Email us --



Our Other Blogs --
We are three adults living in a polyamorous triad family. The content here is intended for an adult audience. If you are not an adult, please leave now.

2/07/2007

Polyamory Observations #4

























One thing that can be a challenge is that when you live a life that doesn't match up with social expectations or assumptions, you find that you don't fit anyplace. We encounter that phenomenon just about everyplace, and in almost every setting. It really just doesn't matter where we are or who we talk to. People who know us, in whatever context, and people who do not know us, make assumptions about us, that are almost never accurate. That can result in some interesting, and sometimes very awkward situations. We've gotten pretty good at bouncing with most of it, but it wears over time.

Master recently described some significant part of how we experience this pervasive social circumstance in a piece He wrote on a local poly list that we participate with. It was midway through a conversation that began because someone had made the (relatively common) assumption that "poly" equates to "promiscuous." As the exchange went back and forth, with the clueless one insisting that it was ABOUT SEX, Master wrote:


"I think too, we wonder if we will successfully
match up with other poly folks. We wonder if our relationship, a heterosexual
committed 24/7 poly V BDSM M/s, D/s), DD lifestyle (vanilla translation: we
three live together in our home in a straight Mf relationship, with a defined
authority structure, and we like to bind each other up and spank erotically and
disciplinarily, among other expressions of fun, excitement, and intimacy:)We'd
like to have friends with whom we can be who we are without pretext. We would
too like to be able to help others who are exploring polyamory. I don't think
that answers we've found for us are necessarily generalizable to others. I have
seen too much, especially in the BDSM community, of folks who feel that because
they have been active in a lifestyle for years, they must therefore be "experts"
and "teachers" of others. On the other hand I/we would frequently have liked to
have had others with whom we could have related, confided, observed, and learned
from (either by emulating them, or saying "that would never work for us") We
know for us as we began our family, and as we continue for that matter (we've
been together about 7 years now-- 2 years long distance and about 5 years living
together....and we expect to be together the rest of our lives), there are very
few resources or supports, to assist us, and we suspect, others, as we/they
encounter life challenges. We have the same life challenges as any middle-aged
family of suburban professionals.............it's just they are all different
with the addition of the poly dynamic superimposed on a world with a presumption
of dyadic heterosexual monogamy. Many of our challenges are not romantic/erotic
(although if you've read our Blog, you know we have those too) but are health
related, legal, professional, social, recreational, spiritual (no we are not
looking for a church:), etc. I'm always interested that discussions of polyamory
always seem to become about sex. Now don't get me wrong. I get it. I know that
the primary thing that makes poly different from monogamy is that there are more
than two adults who are intimately involved in relationship. Paraphrasing the
Clinton campaign, "It's the sex stupid." I'm far from oblivious to that fact,
nor am I a prude. We're very experienced, have played publicly in BDSM dungeons
and conferences, and even demonstrated some amazingly intimate sexual variations
with audiences, so it's not that we want to repress that major aspect of our
lives and our unique intentional relationship. The fact that we are poly doesn't
mean we want to play with you or become romantically involved. The fact too that
we are not inherently "available" doesn't mean it is unimaginable that life
could evolve to include intimate play or more in depth relationship with others
too. (How's that for simple clarity?:)Last November we took all three cars to
the tire store (all new in 2004 and so now getting worn). People find it odd I
have three cars and two women who drive them:) or at least that is the
perception they have. I am rather medically informed because of my educational
background and profession. We have interesting times with health care
professionals when I go to both T's and s's Dr. appointments. S recently went to
a new gynecologist who does not permit men to accompany patients to the exam
room. This won't be a long term medical relationship. All of life's challenges
are different and have extra-normal dynamics within a poly lifestyle. It would
be good to share information with others dealing with them."

I think that describes what it is to be a family that doesn't fit. We run into the "square peg" phenomenon all the time. There are several issues for us, really. When you talk about "poly, " you may have to deal with some or all of them. They all are founded in basic assumptions and expectations which, in turn, lead to biases.

The first set of assumptions that we find are the most obvious, and the ones that we expected from the beginning. These are the social/legal norms related to relational numerosity. The simple reality is that our society assumes, from the moment each of us arrives on this speck of dust, that we will live out our adult lives in one of two numerical relational formulations: we will either pair off, two-by-two, or we will remain single (or else return by times to that state). We learn it as we hear the fairy tale stories of our childhood. We absorb it in the "romantic/lusty" music that we are immersed in as young adults. The messages are pervasive throughout the entertainment industry. Inescapable. So, we do not fit the mold. We are NOT paired. We are NOT coupled. We are NOT two. And we are also NOT single.

Three is just not a number that is expected. Anywhere. It makes life complicated, and sometimes just comical. Some examples:
  • We go out for a meal, and the wait person most often looks at the bunch of us quizzically and then gives up and asks, "Will this be one check or two?"

  • There is absolutely no way to list two partners or beneficiaries or spouses on an insurance form or emergency contact form or next of kin blank space when you are filling out that sort of documentation.

  • When we travel, we have to make sure we question hotel reservation clerks very carefully about the nature of hotel room sleeping accommodations. Two queen size beds work well. Two regular size beds can be made to work. One king-size bed will not work very well. We need more than the usual complement of bath towels that a hotel room offers; more than two water glasses, more complementary soap/shampoo, etc.

  • Business give away prizes and complementary passes and the like in even numbered increments -- two's and sometimes four's (but never three's).

  • In the medical care realm, there is ALWAYS an issue when two of us show up to accompany a third to an appointment or a procedure or a surgery. In medicine, humans are dealt with in pairs. So it is written.



We were prepared, sort of, for the number thing. It seems obvious. What we did not anticipate, and what has been almost as difficult for us to handle has been the set of challenges that have arisen for our household because of assumptions laid on us about gender relatedness in our family. There has come to be an expectation that to say that one is "poly" is equivalent to saying that one is also "gay" or "lesbian" or "bi-sexual." It is my belief that this is an expectation that has been in large part fostered within the "poly" community, although I think it creates a degree of anxiety/fear/prejudice outside our ranks. It happens that our triad is heterosexual. We have to explain that on an ongoing basis. People simply assume that T and I must be bi-sexual. We have come to understand that the liklihood is that a good deal of the remarkable acceptance that I find within Master's extended family is based on the probability that they believe that T and I are "involved." Somehow the family has an easier time conceiving that T and I might be sexually linked than they do imagining Master and I in the same way -- and they are way more OK with that notion. Conversely, my own mother's recoil from our arrangement may be largely founded in her own identical assumption. Too, we have noted more than once, a certain emotional recoil or whiplash response when would be "friends" first discover that their assumption about that orientation just wasn't true. It seems to go back to that "poly" is "sex" bias. People note that we are all together, and the image they form is that we must all be sexual with one another. How limited is our intimate vocabulary and how souless our relational imagination, that we cannot conceive of loving another without it necessarily being sex-based in every case.


At another level, other expectations creep into the picture. For me, this is the realm of the "availability" fallacy. When I came into the realization and recognition that it was possible to participate in and embrace more than one mature, loving, intimate relationship simultaneously, I found that to be healthy and good. I think that making the choices that led our family into this dynamic gave us the opportunity to love richly and joyously, and it allowed us to broaden our lives rather than narrow them. Making that choice, and doing the work to bring it to fruition does not mean that any one of us gave up our ability to be discriminating, sensible, intelligent, rational, or demanding in terms of what it is that we want or need from an emotional / intmate partner. If there is one thing that we have learned in doing this, it is that making good relationships work is a demanding and serious undertaking. It has its very definite rewards, but it is not simply a matter of genitals calling to one another from afar. So, I am continually stunned when I tell someone that I am poly, and I get that sort of "Do you wanna..." response that isn't anymore sophisticated than my 6th graders are managing these days. Excuse me? Or, and this is almost as annoying, the flip side of the coin, which is the one that goes: "you are already in a relationship, and I'm looking for sex, so I don't even have the time to talk to you." Call it the UNAVAILABILITY assumption. Our family is stable and committed. We are not "trolling" for partners. It doesn't mean that we wouldn't consider it if something happened. But it is real surely unlikely to happen if you assume either way without so much as a polite "Howdy, my name is _____________________." We all know what we have going for us, and we know what we bring to the table. IF we consider opening our hearts and our household, we'll be wanting to add a partner who enhances our lives and our loves.


Add the other oddities of who we are: a bit older, and into BDSM, and just a little bit outspoken, and prone to be left-leaning liberals, and who knows what all else, and well, we just don't fit anywhere much. Not that we couldn't, but you would have to get to know us; talk to us; learn about us, and let us learn about you -- it would be a little like building a relationship, or a friendship. That's how we got started with one another. That's how we think love grows.


swan

9 comments:

  1. Anonymous7:47 PM

    On the "bisexual assumption"; I've been guilty of that myself, though only in my more ignorant years. (I like to think I've wisened up some:D). It was my assumption that in a M/F/F poly relationship, the man was in it mostly because he could have a threesome and watch two women go down on each other.

    That's what a lifetime of cheap porn will do to a person!

    But I never made that assumption about a M/M/F relationship. I never pictured the two males involved in a bisexual situation. No, I pretty much thought "well that lucky gal, two guys all to herself!"

    Fortunately I'd gotten smarter before I started reading you. In the beginning I wondered(but didn't assume!) if you and T were bisexual, but I threw that out the window a long time ago. I don't know if it was something you made clear once upon a time or if it's the fact that you give off a very clear loving but non-sexual "vibe" when you talk about T.

    I swear these posts of yours should be printed into a manual. :)

    I wish I could say that the world's "couple" fixation will change someday but I really don't see that happening. Far too many people see "poly" and think plygamists, Utah, harems, 78 kids, and 16 yr old wives. Even I have trouble seeing a 60 yr old man able to meet the needs of 20 women *and* all the kids. Maybe I'm wrong in that line of thinking and maybe I only think that because I'm so damn needy myself that I can't begin to think of sharing yet.. but there it is.

    So..I ramble.. incessantly sometimes. I'll stop. :-)

    kaya

    ReplyDelete
  2. kaya -- Come and ramble anytime. You are right about the perceptions that are formed based on the torid images portrayed by the porn industry. Surely that is one factor in all of this stuff. AND I find it helpful for you to have pointed out the dichotomy between our expectations of FMF triads vs. MFM triads. Another gender bias that is pretty pervasive -- we expect women to be largely bi or bi-curious, but are much less likely to feel the same way about men. Interesting to note.
    I think that ultimately, where all this babbling that I'm doing it taking me is to the admonition that those who consider "poly" as a household dynamic need to be cautious about all the hype and really think in terms of creating relationships that work first. We humans DO sex anyway -- that part might just take care of itself if we got the rest of it right. Ya think?

    swan

    ReplyDelete
  3. I have a D/S etiquette question. I get it that Doms like their names in with a Cap, and s's tend to use small letters. So if I were to write to you, I would address you as swan, b/c that's how you sign your name. But, you are not submissive to me...so am I demeaning you by calling you swan, or am I acknowleding/honoring your life path? What do you prefer? Am I just overthinking this? please advise :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi tangerine... Most people use the lowercase "s" for my "swan" -- probably because I do, and because (as you have noted) it is the portocol within the community. I am not particularly sensitive one way or another, so please feel free to do whatever is comfortable to you. That, of course, is true here in "our place," and not necessarily the norm elsewhere.

    swan

    ReplyDelete
  5. swan, wonderful post!. All your assumptions are so on it as always! When I was involved in poly relationship, although bisexual I wasn't always involved with other people in the household - and people never got that. They were like you are bi why not be with the other person. Ummm because I am just not sexually attracted. I can love, care for a person and not desire them in a sexual way. And they didn't seem to get that often.

    I agree with kaya on the pairings...unfortunately I don't see that happening soon. :(

    ReplyDelete
  6. Tangerine, it is good to have you using us as a vehicle to explore the D/s aspect of polyamory. Looking at statcounter, if I am interpreting the data related to your visits accurately, I think we live in the same city.

    If you'd be interested in getting to know us more r/t write and perhaps we might all enjoy real life interaction.

    Anyway, the whole issue of "honorifics" is one of some discussion in the BDSM community. Folks for whom the signs and symbols of D/s are of great importance are often referred to as either "high protocol" or "old guard" BDSM practitioners. This tends to be more prevalent in the Gay leathermen culture. I think the degree to which it is adhered to is sort of like the degree to which Christian sects and denominatins adhere to ritual. High Protocol folks are more similar to Catholics or Anglicans in their worship. We're likely more similar to Unitarians in our dedication to honorifics and protocol.

    sue/swan, t, and I tend to utilize the upper and lower case first letter designations when we are writing here or in other D/s related Internet fora. It's not a big deal for us, and none of us would be offended were someone to not adhere to that protocal. It's just not that big a deal. swan will frequently refer to me as Sir, and sometimes t will too. Sometimes that is serious and respectful. Sometimes it is something that I think is comforting for her. Sometimes it is part of a humorous interaction like, "Fuck you, Sir" or "It is time for you to take your pills Sir," (she too can be a tough disciplinarian:) I am not rigid about enforcing those sorts of protocals unless I am in fact engaging in D/s play. If I'm spanking, flogging or whatever sort of SM activity with someone, I insist on being called Sir throuhgout the experience and will punish a bottom partner severely for a protocal breech.

    It is interesting looking at your Blog. Have you ever considered the addition adult consensual disciplinary corporal punishment as an adjunct to your weight loss and your graduate studies? It is frequently effective in supporting achievement in both those realms....particularly with weight loss.

    Anyway, thanks for joining our Blog discussion here. It is good to have someone using us as a vehicle for further lifestyle exlporation.

    Raheretic/Tom

    Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous8:34 PM

    Swan et al....

    I love the ordinary (ous) of your lives.....I don't mean it as an insult....it is what life is...especially with older parents..children...and ourselves...you articulate it so perfectly.....

    bonorth...

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anonymous11:11 PM

    Our relationship is basically set up the same as yours, we are a hetero threesome. We constantly have to deal with the questioning looks and then of course the questions from Doctors and hospitals, but we've gotten around that, he's the husband and we are sisters, we just don't explain whose husband he is unless asked, then we tell them he's our husband. It can be quite comical. Anyways I really just wanted to say that it's quite nice to read about a poly household that isn't all about adding another partner.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hiya F/folks...

    Hehehehehe. How's THAT for capital letter protocol???

    I'm definitely one of the 'new guard'. I actually take a fair amount of delight out of pissing off 'doms' by using the lower case 'd' to refer to them. (I'm dom in the D/s spectrum.)

    My motivation in this is that we're actually all pretty normal people. And for me, any dom(me) INSISTING that I use the capital letter when referring to them is likely to be a bully.

    And bullies should be shown to be that. Cos in the BDSM world, bullies hurt people. And in hurting those people, they claim that they're practising BDSM. When in fact they're doing something else.

    So I'm very happy to note that the Heron clan uses the 'D' and 's' simply as a matter of convention rather than requirement. Good on yer!

    Blue skies
    love
    Roy

    ReplyDelete

Something to add? Enter the conversation with us.