Polyamory Observations #4

One thing that can be a challenge is that when you live a life that doesn't match up with social expectations or assumptions, you find that you don't fit anyplace. We encounter that phenomenon just about everyplace, and in almost every setting. It really just doesn't matter where we are or who we talk to. People who know us, in whatever context, and people who do not know us, make assumptions about us, that are almost never accurate. That can result in some interesting, and sometimes very awkward situations. We've gotten pretty good at bouncing with most of it, but it wears over time.

Master recently described some significant part of how we experience this pervasive social circumstance in a piece He wrote on a local poly list that we participate with. It was midway through a conversation that began because someone had made the (relatively common) assumption that "poly" equates to "promiscuous." As the exchange went back and forth, with the clueless one insisting that it was ABOUT SEX, Master wrote:

"I think too, we wonder if we will successfully
match up with other poly folks. We wonder if our relationship, a heterosexual
committed 24/7 poly V BDSM M/s, D/s), DD lifestyle (vanilla translation: we
three live together in our home in a straight Mf relationship, with a defined
authority structure, and we like to bind each other up and spank erotically and
disciplinarily, among other expressions of fun, excitement, and intimacy:)We'd
like to have friends with whom we can be who we are without pretext. We would
too like to be able to help others who are exploring polyamory. I don't think
that answers we've found for us are necessarily generalizable to others. I have
seen too much, especially in the BDSM community, of folks who feel that because
they have been active in a lifestyle for years, they must therefore be "experts"
and "teachers" of others. On the other hand I/we would frequently have liked to
have had others with whom we could have related, confided, observed, and learned
from (either by emulating them, or saying "that would never work for us") We
know for us as we began our family, and as we continue for that matter (we've
been together about 7 years now-- 2 years long distance and about 5 years living
together....and we expect to be together the rest of our lives), there are very
few resources or supports, to assist us, and we suspect, others, as we/they
encounter life challenges. We have the same life challenges as any middle-aged
family of suburban professionals.............it's just they are all different
with the addition of the poly dynamic superimposed on a world with a presumption
of dyadic heterosexual monogamy. Many of our challenges are not romantic/erotic
(although if you've read our Blog, you know we have those too) but are health
related, legal, professional, social, recreational, spiritual (no we are not
looking for a church:), etc. I'm always interested that discussions of polyamory
always seem to become about sex. Now don't get me wrong. I get it. I know that
the primary thing that makes poly different from monogamy is that there are more
than two adults who are intimately involved in relationship. Paraphrasing the
Clinton campaign, "It's the sex stupid." I'm far from oblivious to that fact,
nor am I a prude. We're very experienced, have played publicly in BDSM dungeons
and conferences, and even demonstrated some amazingly intimate sexual variations
with audiences, so it's not that we want to repress that major aspect of our
lives and our unique intentional relationship. The fact that we are poly doesn't
mean we want to play with you or become romantically involved. The fact too that
we are not inherently "available" doesn't mean it is unimaginable that life
could evolve to include intimate play or more in depth relationship with others
too. (How's that for simple clarity?:)Last November we took all three cars to
the tire store (all new in 2004 and so now getting worn). People find it odd I
have three cars and two women who drive them:) or at least that is the
perception they have. I am rather medically informed because of my educational
background and profession. We have interesting times with health care
professionals when I go to both T's and s's Dr. appointments. S recently went to
a new gynecologist who does not permit men to accompany patients to the exam
room. This won't be a long term medical relationship. All of life's challenges
are different and have extra-normal dynamics within a poly lifestyle. It would
be good to share information with others dealing with them."

I think that describes what it is to be a family that doesn't fit. We run into the "square peg" phenomenon all the time. There are several issues for us, really. When you talk about "poly, " you may have to deal with some or all of them. They all are founded in basic assumptions and expectations which, in turn, lead to biases.

The first set of assumptions that we find are the most obvious, and the ones that we expected from the beginning. These are the social/legal norms related to relational numerosity. The simple reality is that our society assumes, from the moment each of us arrives on this speck of dust, that we will live out our adult lives in one of two numerical relational formulations: we will either pair off, two-by-two, or we will remain single (or else return by times to that state). We learn it as we hear the fairy tale stories of our childhood. We absorb it in the "romantic/lusty" music that we are immersed in as young adults. The messages are pervasive throughout the entertainment industry. Inescapable. So, we do not fit the mold. We are NOT paired. We are NOT coupled. We are NOT two. And we are also NOT single.

Three is just not a number that is expected. Anywhere. It makes life complicated, and sometimes just comical. Some examples:

• We go out for a meal, and the wait person most often looks at the bunch of us quizzically and then gives up and asks, "Will this be one check or two?"


• There is absolutely no way to list two partners or beneficiaries or spouses on an insurance form or emergency contact form or next of kin blank space when you are filling out that sort of documentation.


• When we travel, we have to make sure we question hotel reservation clerks very carefully about the nature of hotel room sleeping accommodations. Two queen size beds work well. Two regular size beds can be made to work. One king-size bed will not work very well. We need more than the usual complement of bath towels that a hotel room offers; more than two water glasses, more complementary soap/shampoo, etc.


• Business give away prizes and complementary passes and the like in even numbered increments -- two's and sometimes four's (but never three's).


• In the medical care realm, there is ALWAYS an issue when two of us show up to accompany a third to an appointment or a procedure or a surgery. In medicine, humans are dealt with in pairs. So it is written.

We were prepared, sort of, for the number thing. It seems obvious. What we did not anticipate, and what has been almost as difficult for us to handle has been the set of challenges that have arisen for our household because of assumptions laid on us about gender relatedness in our family. There has come to be an expectation that to say that one is "poly" is equivalent to saying that one is also "gay" or "lesbian" or "bi-sexual." It is my belief that this is an expectation that has been in large part fostered within the "poly" community, although I think it creates a degree of anxiety/fear/prejudice outside our ranks. It happens that our triad is heterosexual. We have to explain that on an ongoing basis. People simply assume that T and I must be bi-sexual. We have come to understand that the liklihood is that a good deal of the remarkable acceptance that I find within Master's extended family is based on the probability that they believe that T and I are "involved." Somehow the family has an easier time conceiving that T and I might be sexually linked than they do imagining Master and I in the same way -- and they are way more OK with that notion. Conversely, my own mother's recoil from our arrangement may be largely founded in her own identical assumption. Too, we have noted more than once, a certain emotional recoil or whiplash response when would be "friends" first discover that their assumption about that orientation just wasn't true. It seems to go back to that "poly" is "sex" bias. People note that we are all together, and the image they form is that we must all be sexual with one another. How limited is our intimate vocabulary and how souless our relational imagination, that we cannot conceive of loving another without it necessarily being sex-based in every case.


At another level, other expectations creep into the picture. For me, this is the realm of the "availability" fallacy. When I came into the realization and recognition that it was possible to participate in and embrace more than one mature, loving, intimate relationship simultaneously, I found that to be healthy and good. I think that making the choices that led our family into this dynamic gave us the opportunity to love richly and joyously, and it allowed us to broaden our lives rather than narrow them. Making that choice, and doing the work to bring it to fruition does not mean that any one of us gave up our ability to be discriminating, sensible, intelligent, rational, or demanding in terms of what it is that we want or need from an emotional / intmate partner. If there is one thing that we have learned in doing this, it is that making good relationships work is a demanding and serious undertaking. It has its very definite rewards, but it is not simply a matter of genitals calling to one another from afar. So, I am continually stunned when I tell someone that I am poly, and I get that sort of "Do you wanna..." response that isn't anymore sophisticated than my 6th graders are managing these days. Excuse me? Or, and this is almost as annoying, the flip side of the coin, which is the one that goes: "you are already in a relationship, and I'm looking for sex, so I don't even have the time to talk to you." Call it the UNAVAILABILITY assumption. Our family is stable and committed. We are not "trolling" for partners. It doesn't mean that we wouldn't consider it if something happened. But it is real surely unlikely to happen if you assume either way without so much as a polite "Howdy, my name is _____________________." We all know what we have going for us, and we know what we bring to the table. IF we consider opening our hearts and our household, we'll be wanting to add a partner who enhances our lives and our loves.


Add the other oddities of who we are: a bit older, and into BDSM, and just a little bit outspoken, and prone to be left-leaning liberals, and who knows what all else, and well, we just don't fit anywhere much. Not that we couldn't, but you would have to get to know us; talk to us; learn about us, and let us learn about you -- it would be a little like building a relationship, or a friendship. That's how we got started with one another. That's how we think love grows.


swan