Polyamory Observations #6

I put a comment up over at tangerine's blog the other day in response to some poly dynamics that have recently developed in her life. In part, I wrote:

Poly can be difficult. Anyone who says otherwise is just nuts. It is relating (which is complicated enough) ratcheted up by however many partner combinations there might be. Whatever the configurations and whatever the agreements and understandings and whatever the levels of "experience," I think that adding new relationships is stressful at the very least. And that is IF everyone is on the exact same page at every juncture. If there are any hitches or miscues or misunderstandings or misalignments, then the stress levels go up astronomically.

She and I are engaged in some conversation around what's going on in her life, but as we've talked, I've thought more and more about that stuff that I began with.

Polyamory has gotten to be quite "stylish" in some circles. That's good in some ways. The more of us there are, the less likely it is that those of us who do this will be seen as totally outside the range of "normal." If we come to be some noticeable element in the society, maybe, just maybe, people like us will have a chance of getting treated a little more fairly in the world at large. However, the "poly is cool" thing that I see happening now-a-days is potentially bad news for the simple reason that a whole lot of people are out trying to dabble in this relational model without a clue as to what they are doing -- and mashing into some pretty dreadful messes.


As I wrote to Tangerine, poly can be difficult. Actually, I think that's a pure understatement. Poly is hellishly difficult an awful lot of the time.


There are a few people who are just LIKE this. They are naturally inclined to fall in love with lots of different people, and it makes perfect sense to them to maintain lots of different relationships with lots of different people. They don't generally feel particularly possessive or jealous, and are genuinely mystified by those who do. They are open and trusting and usually pretty social and adventurous by nature. I don't have any demographic data, so I can't tell you what the percentage of such folks are in the population at large. Who knows? I do know that not everyone is built for poly.


Some people seem to be more comfortable in more "paired" relationships. For them the "more love makes more love" sloganing that goes around in poly circles may make philosophical sense, but it doesn't keep them from having that clenched stomach feeling if they get hooked up with a poly type partner who wants to run wild and free. I'm not sure where the preference or inclination comes from. Perhaps it is social conditioning, or the models we see around us, or some sort of evolutionary twist. Whatever, there are those who do experience significant anxiety, jealousy, and fear when confronted with the realities of poly (even if they know they "shouldn't).

It is, for good or bad, not all that unusual to have naturally "polyamorous" individuals linked up with people who are more naturally "monogamous" in their inclinations.


To further complicate matters, there just isn't that much useful information out there about how polyamory works, or even what it is. There are a couple of books on the market. The one that is most commonly recommended is, in my view, nearly useless (and potentially harmful). Poly comes in so many variations that, for those of us who actually do it, the first thing we have to do anytime we meet someone new, is DESCRIBE our particular variant in excruciating and intimate detail so that they can know what kind of polys we are. Even after we do that, we often have to go to a second tier of definitional description -- just in case the people we're dealing with aren't comfortable or familiar with all of the "vocabulary" or "geometry."


Lots of people just assume that, if you are poly, that means that you are getting lots of sex with lots of people of LOTS of different genders. (Are there that many different genders?) Some people approach it that way. We call that "polyfuckery." It may be that polyfuckery is the least difficult and least consequential kind of poly relating. It also may be the only kind of poly that is covered well by THAT BOOK. If the goal in being poly is to all gather at the starting line and then take off in various directions attempting to rack up as many orgasms with as many partners in as widely flung a net as possible, then polyfuckery is a really good plan. If nobody is particularly concerned with linking up at deep levels and creating long-lasting, intensely connected, inter-woven, familial relationships, then there's no particular need to do anything about that sort of dynamic other than work out calendars and schedules and activity lists and sleeping patterns and arrangements and make sure that people only cross paths with the folks with whom they actually are cordial.

A lot of what goes under the label of poly these days falls into that category. That's ok if that's what fires your rockets.

BUT.

If you are involved with partner(s) who are attempting to create a stable, intimate, interconnected, familial bond, then poly becomes much more complex and challenging. There is very little information and fewer models for how to DO that.

Enduring poly relationships where multiple partners work to establish stable patterns and dynamics, require all of the same skills that we would find in any successful "traditional coupled/paired" relationship. The difference, of course, is that the mathematics and geometry of poly increase the numbers of interactions that must be accommodated within the relationship. You need to be very good to make it work and keep it working.

If it works, when it works, the balance is delicate and maintained by effort and attention and skill. Stable relationships then, can be "wobbled" by the addition of a new partner. This is a simple reality. A new person coming into a dynamic changes all of the patterns. It creates instability. It is stressful. Trust among all the parties is essential. And did I say, "agreement?" Ideally, everyone would have talked up front, agreed about the whole idea, and said, "Oh sure, let's just put ourselves through this for the heck of it!"

Which brings me to another thing. It is standard poly "wisdom" to advise people to "go no faster than the slowest one." Further, there is the admonishment that it is all fine as long as everyone is completely honest with everyone else -- as long as everyone knows what everyone is doing and there are no secrets. The idea is that in any poly grouping, there would be some sort of mechanism for the event when one partner falls in love that would look something like this:

Partner In Love: Oh my gosh. I seem to have fallen in love completely by accident and utterly out of the blue... Come, family, let us discuss our options and feelings about this...

Partner Caught Off Guard: Say What? When the hell did this happen, and when were you going to tell me?

Partner in Love: I just did.

Partner Caught Off Guard: You just fell in love? With someone you just met this minute?

Partner in Love: No... I just told you. I didn't just meet this person of course. We've talked a few times. It's no big, dark secret.

Partner Caught Off Guard: Oh, I see...

Partner in Love: Don't be jealous. You'll like him/her.

Partner Caught Off Guard: I'm not jealous. I just didn't expect this, since I hadn't even heard about this person until just now...

Now, maybe that conversation will end well, or maybe it won't. But there's a whole lot of territory to cover before "happily ever after" happens. The fact is that "going as slow as the slowest one," is pure bullshit. Love happens in the least expected times and places. We don't plan for it and we most often don't see it coming. It NEVER happens slowly. The slowest one is always caught off guard and almost always left feeling out of the loop. They always have to play catch up. Maybe they will like the new partner or maybe they won't and there is no way to predict that up front. Whatever happens with all of that, what has been will change in ways that no one can foretell. Change can be scary.

It is unlikely for everyone in a multi-partner relationship to be on the same page, especially when new love bursts on the scene unannounced. It is unlikely to find this proceeding without a glitch. It is almost certain that we will misunderstand and miss the cues and miss the boat along the way. Does that mean that we shouldn't try? I don't know the answer to that question. I know that anytime I hear that there's a "new one" on the horizon, I have to grab my heart in my hands and settle myself down and assure myself that this is not going to be "entirely horrible." It is possible, I tell myself, that the outcome could be good. I don't actually believe that at the outset (to tell the truth), but I hang on to the possibility that we might luck into a wonderful serendipitous match. It isn't a ride that I ever look forward to. I am one of the less "wild and free" ones I guess...

swan