Polyamory Observations #16

I've had a bit of a conversation with a friend about the realities of forming a poly triad within the context of a power exchange dynamic. That is a particular process that brings its own twists to what is already a complex way of forming relationships. I have come to believe that, as we talk about how poly works, it is often not helpful to try and discuss poly in general terms. The specific permutations of poly relationships really do impact in significant ways on those very relationships. Beyond the philosophical notions, there are real and important differences between making a vanilla, egalitarian, poly-web relationship and creating a committed, power-based, committed (or possibly closed) triad intentional family.

My friend is in the early stages of life within a poly triad family that came about through a series of circumstances, events, and choices that were not entirely within her control, and the resulting set of relationships are configured in ways that she never envisioned and would likely never have intentionally created for herself if she'd been in control.

That's an important factor to be clear about when we talk about polyamory within power exchange relationships (as opposed to vanilla-style, egalitarian poly) -- if there is an agreed upon power dynamic, one or more partners may have limited or no control over the choices made about the relationship. Some would claim that where that is the case, the resultant relationship is not "really" poly, but they are generally outsiders who have no good understanding.

As I tried to talk to my friend about this, I found myself talking about the relationship between T and I in a way that I don't think I ever have before. Because, the truth is that our poly triad formed up around Master. He was at the center of all of it, and it is precisely because each of us loved Him, and because He loved each of us, and because each of us belonged to Him, that we came into the place where we needed to learn to love one another. For T and for me, polyamory was not something that either of us had ever contemplated, imagined, or sought out. It wasn't something that we likely would have chosen for ourselves (at least I think -- maybe T would say otherwise, but I don't think so). Polyamory happened to us because of circumstances and, most especially because we'd each entered into a power dynamic with Master. The choices which brought us into this relational model were made by Him, and it fell to the two of us, working with His vision and His guidance, to figure out how to make it a positive reality.

When I think about those beginning days of our poly family, I really believe that without Master, T and I might have never paid much attention to one another. I just imagine that we would have simply not noticed each other, even if our paths had crossed. We had different lives; different backgrounds; different histories; different interests -- and we were each heading along on our chosen trajectories. It was linking into Master, each in our own way, that brought the two of us together.

In the beginning, we liked each other in a sort of superficial and cordial but very casual fashion. Neither of us saw the freight train barrelling down the tracks at us -- the overwhelming force that was about to totally change our lives...

We were pretty much innocents in the beginning. All unsuspecting, we just wandered along, getting to know each other, and becoming friends. T grew up with one younger brother, and I had three. Neither of us had a sister in our families of origin. With all our differences, we found that we enjoyed each other; liked each other; shared an easy and relaxed cameraderie. Little did we know...

When, as things developed, Master and I fell in love, there was great consternation, great upset, great fear, great confusion, and enormous pain for each and all of us. While Master dealt with His own issues related to loving us both; wanting to have us both; not wanting to hurt either of us -- we two were faced with inventing a whole new relational paradigm for ourselves. We were good friends, but now we were becoming "family." We are, neither of us, lesbian or bisexual, but now we were finding ourselves to be functionally "married." We were each strong, independent, opinionated, mature women, but now we were finding ourselves set into a household structure that we likely would never have chosen for ourselves.

There was no decision point. There was no vote. There was no plan. There was no conversation about it. There was no delineation of what we did and did not want in this context. There was no search process; no interview; no audition. We didn't pick each other. One day, we simply were -- "sister-hearts." Making that into a reality has taken time, intentionality, awareness, kindness, hard work, and an ongoing willingness to believe in and celebrate the best in one another. We've each had to learn how to give and take. We've had to understand what we each needed and what we each wanted. We've had to accommodate our differences and embrace our commonalities. We've had to hug and laugh and rejoice when times are good, and we've had to hold on and stay strong and keep believing when times are tough.

Over this almost eight years, we've built up a pretty good store of emotional and relational capital. Our shared history, our common understandings, and our track record of success provide us with a stockpile to draw on when it all seems like it might be too much or we just don't feel like we can keep on doing it. When those days happen (and I believe they happen in all long-term relationships), and we find ourselves at odds, we just know that whatever it is that seems so difficult in the moment isn't "the way life is," and we know that it will change if we can just stick with one another. That is a crucial piece of infomation.

I am not a "Pollyanna" poly (a phrase given to me by another friend). I don't think that poly is for everybody -- or even for most people. I don't even think that poly is necessarily a good choice for an awful lot of people who think they are doing it. I've seen plenty of would be poly relationships crash and burn in the very fragile beginning stages. I know that most poly people find our kind of poly difficult to understand, and maybe some even find it distasteful. Poly's generally put such a high value on the notion of equality. I understand and respect that. I will however say that I think that one of the essential elements that got us through the beginning years (maturity and openness notwithstanding) was the Dominant energy and vision of Master. If there had been any move for either of us to compete, or to behave territorially, or to feel jealous or possessive, He was right there loving us both and insisting on His certain and sure belief in our love and in our family.

It might be that we are simply all exceptional people who survived and thrived where many others wouldn't have. It might be that pure, raw stubborness saw us through to here and now. It might be that we were all just star-crossed, fated, and damned lucky. It could be all of those. My friend asked what I thought were the secrets of our passage through the beginnings to the formation of a solid and stable place. I don't know how to list those things, all I know is how it looks from here, and how it seemed as we went along. Some of it was about how we felt. Some of it was about how we thought. Some of it was about what we believed -- about our lives and about one another. We simply practiced, day by day, and minute by minute, the thing that He preaches: Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

swan