A recent piece ("Whole Lotta Love") at Salon.com had some glimpses into the evolving thinking of people who are living poly lives. Reading it gives a good overview of the width and depth of the community.
One thing that struck me was the comment made by Cherie Ve Ard (who has lived as part of two different quads):
"It wasn't something we went looking for..."
One thing that struck me was the comment made by Cherie Ve Ard (who has lived as part of two different quads):
"It wasn't something we went looking for..."
I think that simple statement caught my attention precisely because we've said it ourselves so often. Because we live in a poly household, we sometimes get looked to as "authorities" on the how to's of doing this. It often leads us to making the disclaimer that we didn't start out to become poly. Rather, we found ourselves with the relationship realities and polyamory became the solution that made it all work and make sense -- it was, for us, the path that allowed us all to have our loves and not lose.
It seems to me that, if there is the potential for those who are new to the idea and practice of polyamory to go "astray," it lies in the urge to generate poly relationships. Most often, when we've found poly people who make a success of this kind of relating, they will say something very much like that simple, "it wasn't something we went looking for..." It is my sense that people have much better success at this when their relationships grow responsively to the actual reality of multiple loves that exist. When poly becomes a positive, creative, mutual, solution shared between partners rather than a theoretical construct, it fits better and grows up much more naturally and organically than otherwise.
And really, it is odd to me that people seem to not understand that. Generally, I think, people believe that the more traditional sort of "falling in love" couple-style happens as it happens. To be sure, it is good and healthy and positive to put oneself out in the places where you might meet potential partners, but I don't know very many people who successfully "shop" for partners like they might go to the pet store. Most of us understand that coming to be "in love" follows on other steps in relationship building like forming an acquaintance and then a friendship. To be sure, there are perennially books that suggest more mechanical and aggressive approaches to "finding the perfect mate" -- things with titles like "SOUL MATES –Find Your Perfect Match Now!” It seems there is always someone ready to make a fast dollar on the desperation of those who are tired of looking for love... But, if it is as complicated as we all know it can be to form a single successful love pairing, we really shouldn't believe that it is going to be any simpler to create relationships that involve multiple partners.
It is a paradox, really. Trying to "force" poly relationships into being is generally awkward and artificial. On the other hand, staying open and available to the potential, without pushing or expecting, can allow the possibility to materialize. I suspect that that balance is the tricky point for most people who identify as "poly," but are not presently within the relationships that they envision. The longer I think about this, the more I am reminded of the Kahil Gibran quote:
"And think not you can guide the course of love. For love, if it finds you worthy, shall guide your course."
swan
Wow, I absolutely love that quote! It was interesting to see you expand on your comments to me, as well. Thanks for sharing this :)
ReplyDeleteyou've nailed one of the biggest realities of this sort of relationship structure for me: none of us went looking for it! none of us would have imagined it in all it's glory. and frankly, we're not always sure about it, all in our own special ways. still, the joys are exquisite. for myself, i find the structure pushes all my buttons harder, making my inherent fears all the more insistent, even ferocious. but it also amplifies my gifts, my gratitude, making them all the more precious. and so, the paradox continues.
ReplyDeleteOh swan....thank you, thank you, thank you, from both M and I for this posting!!
ReplyDeleteYou know we've been talking around this for a little while now, since things changed for us.
staying open and available to the potential, without pushing or expecting, can allow the possibility to materialize. I suspect that that balance is the tricky point for most people who identify as "poly," but are not presently within the relationships that they envision.
That's been our conclusion too, it just says it so much more eloquently (as always) than we've been able to. I know the past poly relationship I was in failed simply because there always HAD to be another....it became almost a 'driven' thing.
This time, M and I are determined that while we acknowledge we are both poly souls, and if and when the time is right will accept another into our lives, we will not 'go looking', just wait and see what the fates decide for us.
I promise never to look to you as 'an authority' on the subject, but the experience you three have between you, and the wonderful way you are able to express so much of it, is an incredibly valuable support.
love and hugs xxx