Today is the 5th anniversary of Swan joining our family. She came to us on the treads of Toyota, hauling her entire life from Colorado to the unknown Wilds in Ohio. She has brought great love to our lives and is the sister I have longed for forever. We have found that 2 sister-hearts can raise a Dominant, whether he likes it or not!
With her presence, we are stronger and better people. And the community around us is raised up.
Tom shines when Swan is around. She cares for Him as no other, and I am ever so appreciative that she cherishes Him as I do. For this, I adore her all the more.... for loving us.
I love you both with each breath I take. Here's to the rest of our lives together.
T
6/06/2007
6/03/2007
About Moving forward with Intention and Integrity
I am going to try to do this without projecting too much of my own life and assumptions onto this set of questions, but there is just too much here for me to let this go without a statement that makes my position clear. The "anonymous" commenter on my last post wrote:
"You and i have only conversed just briefly in my endeavors, but your situation then, makes for very close makings of the situation that i currently set in, although i am not the "mover."What advice would you give to someone in your shoes? Especially someone who is relocating not just within the US but someone who is relocating from Canada? Also, since the situation is slightly different (the significant other in her life is not aware of the relationships outside and is completely unaware of the plans...) is there anything you could say that might make this any easier for them?I have pointed them to this blog, but would love some advice to pass along. It's been two long years for her to be with her Sir, and I... well, I KNOW how difficult a move is and how sometimes even if you are not happy, to leave comfort and have change is not easy. I personally, would like to see her commit to a date...."
Honestly, I am not at all sure who this person is, but it just doesn't matter. THIS does --
When I and WE made the decisions that we made to embark on the polyamorous nature of our relationship, we did that with the full knowledge of everyone involved. We worked really hard at making sure that everyone had all the time and support and understanding and space they needed to be able to come to that decision with awareness and openess and intent and integrity. We were as careful as we knew how to be that our process was honest and straightforward and open at every step.
Even with all of that, we struggled mightily, and there were costs and losses and hurts. The changes that we undertook were not easy and the adjustments that we made were demanding and involved every one of us in some really intense growth. Even with all of our best intentions and efforts, there was a divorce and that was not something that any of us planned on or expected when we set off on this path. I think, in retrospect that it turned out for the best, but that doesn't change the fact that it was a difficult and demanding and painful loss and transition.
When I say that I wouldn't trade a single day of this last five years, I mean that sincerely. However, I do not encourage others to follow the path I followed, and I surely do not believe that anyone ought to do what I did without making sure they understand the risks and costs that may come to be part of the path ahead. I don't regret paying the cost because I believe I gained way more than I gave up in the transition, but that doesn't mean the costs weren't there. They were.
I guess, since the "anonymous" person asked for advice, I'd say, "STOP! If there is/are significant other(s) who do not know about these relationship dynamics, then there is a huge gap in the information that needs to be conveyed before any sort of moving forward could occur with any sort of openeness and integrity. Until everyone is "in the loop," and aware of what is going on, there isn't anything that seems like "polyamory," and maybe poly isn't the goal here. Perhaps, the end result is that there is going to be one relationship ending as another begins. That happens far more often in these circumstances than OUR kind of solution does. Still, it does seem to me that it is important to know what is intended. Until that is clear, the decision to "move" can't be addressed.
I think it is easy to imagine that when I got that very clear directive to "get here this summer" that there were no antecedents to that. It simply isn't that case. We'd done the work ahead of that to make the command and the response to it make sense -- not just for He and I, but for the others around us.
This is grown up relating that we are talking about. It challenges us to handle our emotions and our attachments with maturity and responsibility and wisdom and compassion. If there are tough choices to be made, that is as it may be. But to move recklessly and without due caution and attention to the realities is foolhardy and unkind and asking for disaster.
swan
"You and i have only conversed just briefly in my endeavors, but your situation then, makes for very close makings of the situation that i currently set in, although i am not the "mover."What advice would you give to someone in your shoes? Especially someone who is relocating not just within the US but someone who is relocating from Canada? Also, since the situation is slightly different (the significant other in her life is not aware of the relationships outside and is completely unaware of the plans...) is there anything you could say that might make this any easier for them?I have pointed them to this blog, but would love some advice to pass along. It's been two long years for her to be with her Sir, and I... well, I KNOW how difficult a move is and how sometimes even if you are not happy, to leave comfort and have change is not easy. I personally, would like to see her commit to a date...."
Honestly, I am not at all sure who this person is, but it just doesn't matter. THIS does --
When I and WE made the decisions that we made to embark on the polyamorous nature of our relationship, we did that with the full knowledge of everyone involved. We worked really hard at making sure that everyone had all the time and support and understanding and space they needed to be able to come to that decision with awareness and openess and intent and integrity. We were as careful as we knew how to be that our process was honest and straightforward and open at every step.
Even with all of that, we struggled mightily, and there were costs and losses and hurts. The changes that we undertook were not easy and the adjustments that we made were demanding and involved every one of us in some really intense growth. Even with all of our best intentions and efforts, there was a divorce and that was not something that any of us planned on or expected when we set off on this path. I think, in retrospect that it turned out for the best, but that doesn't change the fact that it was a difficult and demanding and painful loss and transition.
When I say that I wouldn't trade a single day of this last five years, I mean that sincerely. However, I do not encourage others to follow the path I followed, and I surely do not believe that anyone ought to do what I did without making sure they understand the risks and costs that may come to be part of the path ahead. I don't regret paying the cost because I believe I gained way more than I gave up in the transition, but that doesn't mean the costs weren't there. They were.
I guess, since the "anonymous" person asked for advice, I'd say, "STOP! If there is/are significant other(s) who do not know about these relationship dynamics, then there is a huge gap in the information that needs to be conveyed before any sort of moving forward could occur with any sort of openeness and integrity. Until everyone is "in the loop," and aware of what is going on, there isn't anything that seems like "polyamory," and maybe poly isn't the goal here. Perhaps, the end result is that there is going to be one relationship ending as another begins. That happens far more often in these circumstances than OUR kind of solution does. Still, it does seem to me that it is important to know what is intended. Until that is clear, the decision to "move" can't be addressed.
I think it is easy to imagine that when I got that very clear directive to "get here this summer" that there were no antecedents to that. It simply isn't that case. We'd done the work ahead of that to make the command and the response to it make sense -- not just for He and I, but for the others around us.
This is grown up relating that we are talking about. It challenges us to handle our emotions and our attachments with maturity and responsibility and wisdom and compassion. If there are tough choices to be made, that is as it may be. But to move recklessly and without due caution and attention to the realities is foolhardy and unkind and asking for disaster.
swan
6/01/2007
Coming up on Five
It seemed entirely sensible.
The logistics were formidable.
When, in March, the possibility of making the move to Cincinnati from Denver was something we were only just discussing five years ago, there was SO MUCH TO DO, that it seemed entirely reasonable that the move would take at least a full year to complete -- that there was no possible way that it would happen any sooner than the summer a year out from that spring (a minimum of 15 or 16 months, maybe longer). After all, there was a house to sell, and jobs to quit and new employment to be found, and family matters to be settled, and all the minor and not so minor details of packing and moving a whole house full of belongings.
I just never contemplated that that time window would seem inappropriate to Himself. After all, surely He understood the ENORMITY of the undertaking...
That was the way my mind was working five years ago, as I whirled around, still embedded in my old life, in my own ways, in a thinking pattern that was just about to change forever.
He and I had come to understand that we loved one another. He and I and T (and "He who Shall Remain Nameless") had negotiated the turbulent waters of our nascent polyamorous relating and made the decision to make our relationship permanent.
He and I had played together, and spent time together, and talked endlessly on the phone and online, and dreamed and longed for the day when we would be together full time. What we hadn't done yet, was contemplate the depth of our power exchange or where that would take us ultimately. At least, I hadn't really contemplated that part of it all yet. We just hadn't talked about it specifically.
So...
As we chatted that March evening and the conversation came around to WHEN the move was actually going to be accomplished, it seemed to me completely within the realm of sensible to suggest that I teach one more year there in Denver while we work out all the details and make preparations to move a year and some months later in the summer following. There was hardly an eyeblink before the words came back across my computer screen with a definitiveness that I had never "heard" before, but that I would come to recognize:
"Do you think we are going to live forever? Get here this summer!"
That was it. That simple command changed my life and my world forever. I never questioned, never expressed to Him how simply impossible that would be, never waivered. I just went to work, and got it done.
That's how, on a June 6th afternoon five years ago, I arrived in my new life here. It was the end of a m
arathon of preparations, and months of waiting and longing, and a the culmination of an awfully long drive and the feeling was giddy and breathless -- and then, there He was, coming up the sidewalk with a bouquet of roses in each arm -- one for T and one for me.
arathon of preparations, and months of waiting and longing, and a the culmination of an awfully long drive and the feeling was giddy and breathless -- and then, there He was, coming up the sidewalk with a bouquet of roses in each arm -- one for T and one for me. It amazes me and delights me and fills me with wonder that the years have flown by so quickly. So much has happened, and yet there is a part of me that feels as if I only just got here. I find it hard to imagine it has been so many years. I wouldn't take anything for a single day of it.
swan
5/30/2007
Grumpy
When the school year winds to a close, I get wrapped up in a lot of emotionally intense "stuff." Most of it I don't really pay attention to. I've taught for so many years, that it is simply the rhythm of my year -- this gathering in the new ones, learning their ways and personalities, coming to love them and care for them and nurture them and invest in their success, only to let them go again in the spring and send them on their way to their futures. I've done it over and over and over, and it always catches me off guard. Because the letting go always comes at me when I am most tired, most drained, most ready to have the work be done, I am never ready for the sea of emotions that I find myself swimming in as the last day comes sweeping down on me. It always leaves me surprised and fragile.
Add to that mix, a few other oddball life stressors, and I can get wobbly. Last weekend was a perfect example.
It was a long weekend because of the holiday. That should have added in some element of ease and relaxation.
But I had a HUGE special project/event with my kids on Friday. We'd been weeks preparing for it and the logistics of pulling it off had left me strung out and stressed. When it was over with, I was wiped out.
I'd been trying to handle more of the household routines because of T's post surgical recovery status. We tend to forget how much we work in tandem around here until one or the other of us is "out of commission." The work load gets way heavier under those circumstances, and by the weekend, I was really missing my sister-heart.
There was the graduation event for Master's youngest on Sunday afternoon. It is the sort of "family" thing that puts me into a situation where I am there but necessarily apart. We managed to navigate the huge crowd with both T and grandpa being less than fully "mobile," and we didn't lose either one of them in the process. We got the boychick officially graduated. TAH DAH!
And, we played everyday. When my nerves are jangled and my emotions are running high, I struggle to convert and eroticize painful stimuli. It all ends up tapping right in to all my emotional turmoil. By Monday morning, He was full into His sadistic glory, flirting with the possibilities of switching me, and playing one of His favorite games of presenting me with impossible choices in the midst of a session. Having made the first choice between the rubber strap and a paddle, He then turned it right back into another choice of "which paddle?" The damn burst and I came completely apart -- backing out of the original call for the paddle and opting for the rubber strap if it would mean I didn't have to make any more choices... Anything. Anything. Please. It was simply more than I could sort out anymore.
When I calmed some, He paddled me, and we made love, and I was still just this side of hysterical. And angry. Furious about the game whose rules I cannot ever decipher; about being pushed to the edge and then another edge and then pulled to the edge yet again -- all for no good reason except that He can. Knowing that it is what I committed to and agreed to and chose, and angry just the same.
It is the dark side of slavery. The part that is hard to talk about. The times when it isn't fun, pretty, sexy, easy. The kind of space where I come up hurting, angry and hating Him and hating the life. And doing it anyway. Because I know it is really all good and true and what I am and need and believe in.
I do wish the days this week were easier, lighter, less demanding -- so that we could find our way back to something better than how we left things on the weekend. I wish we could come together in a better space. It is doubly hard when life keeps us running in spaces where things have been so tenuous.
swan
5/28/2007
MEMORIAL DAY
I am left empty at the end of this Memorial Day with the continual references to how we are no longer making the mistakes we made in not “welcoming” home Viet Nam veterans, by our supporting the troops in Iraq, even though we know that this war too was politically wrong and immoral.
After all our poor men in green and khaki and blue, or whatever color, have no choice, and they are only protecting us all when they obey the orders of “the government” to march off in lock step and kill hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians. Goodness knows they are there to protect “us.”
I’m Viet Nam era. I graduated High School in 1967. My High School’s graduating class lost over half of its boys/men in Viet Nam. Viet Nam was a war that was without moral purpose. It was a crime in which the United States supported a dictatorship over a socialist democracy, without provocation…..just because we had to prevent the “commies” from taking a country and setting off international geo-political country-state dominoes. The argument was if we didn’t fight them there, we’d fight them here. “They”, the Viet Cong, kicked our ass, and killed 60,000 plus of us in the process. It was a victory very much analogous to the ragtag army of insurgent terrorists that was the American revolutionary army that kicked the ass of the “undefeatable” British army in the 1770’s.
There were a lot of us who were eligible to be conscripts in that war who chose to risk our futures resisting that criminal war. Some of us went to prison for refusing to be inducted. Some of us emigrated to Canada and other countries to remain free and not be forced to carry out the criminal policies of our nation. Some of us organized into terrorist units and fought against our government’s illegal warfare, fighting in the street and elsewhere. Some of these true patriots are still in prison, and are among the Americans who truly should be remembered today
Viet Nam veterans were victims, especially the majority who were conscripts. Their victimization was secondary or even tertiary to those men, women, and children whom they slaughtered in hundreds of thousands in Indo-China. Because they chose or acquiesced to carry out the war crimes of this nation they were often not welcomed home as heroes. At least they were not prosecuted.
Now we are at war again. Iraq, a country previously ruled by a dictator, was attacked by us without provocation or reason. If we are to make war on all the dictators in the world we need to dramatically expand our already historically huge military. By latest estimate (by credible resources………not the U. S. Government) we have killed (murdered) over 250,000 Iraqi men, women, and children. Once again, we are told that if we don’t fight them there we will fight them in our streets here.
I understand how awful it must be to be uprooted from your family to go murder people and destroy nations who have done nothing to warrant that fate. I understand that you believe that if our political process, no matter how flawed, tells you to go engage in mass extermination it is something we should honor if you are killed. I understand once you enter the military you believe that any responsibility you ever had as a human being ends, and that you are to be honored because you and your family were separated and you were badly paid and equipped as you killed and destroyed.
Hurrah, hurrah, it’s Memorial Day. Let’s honor our troops. They are out there carrying on for “us.” It kind of brings a lump to your throat.
Raheretic (Tom)
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
After all our poor men in green and khaki and blue, or whatever color, have no choice, and they are only protecting us all when they obey the orders of “the government” to march off in lock step and kill hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians. Goodness knows they are there to protect “us.”
I’m Viet Nam era. I graduated High School in 1967. My High School’s graduating class lost over half of its boys/men in Viet Nam. Viet Nam was a war that was without moral purpose. It was a crime in which the United States supported a dictatorship over a socialist democracy, without provocation…..just because we had to prevent the “commies” from taking a country and setting off international geo-political country-state dominoes. The argument was if we didn’t fight them there, we’d fight them here. “They”, the Viet Cong, kicked our ass, and killed 60,000 plus of us in the process. It was a victory very much analogous to the ragtag army of insurgent terrorists that was the American revolutionary army that kicked the ass of the “undefeatable” British army in the 1770’s.
There were a lot of us who were eligible to be conscripts in that war who chose to risk our futures resisting that criminal war. Some of us went to prison for refusing to be inducted. Some of us emigrated to Canada and other countries to remain free and not be forced to carry out the criminal policies of our nation. Some of us organized into terrorist units and fought against our government’s illegal warfare, fighting in the street and elsewhere. Some of these true patriots are still in prison, and are among the Americans who truly should be remembered today
Viet Nam veterans were victims, especially the majority who were conscripts. Their victimization was secondary or even tertiary to those men, women, and children whom they slaughtered in hundreds of thousands in Indo-China. Because they chose or acquiesced to carry out the war crimes of this nation they were often not welcomed home as heroes. At least they were not prosecuted.
Now we are at war again. Iraq, a country previously ruled by a dictator, was attacked by us without provocation or reason. If we are to make war on all the dictators in the world we need to dramatically expand our already historically huge military. By latest estimate (by credible resources………not the U. S. Government) we have killed (murdered) over 250,000 Iraqi men, women, and children. Once again, we are told that if we don’t fight them there we will fight them in our streets here.
I understand how awful it must be to be uprooted from your family to go murder people and destroy nations who have done nothing to warrant that fate. I understand that you believe that if our political process, no matter how flawed, tells you to go engage in mass extermination it is something we should honor if you are killed. I understand once you enter the military you believe that any responsibility you ever had as a human being ends, and that you are to be honored because you and your family were separated and you were badly paid and equipped as you killed and destroyed.
Hurrah, hurrah, it’s Memorial Day. Let’s honor our troops. They are out there carrying on for “us.” It kind of brings a lump to your throat.
Raheretic (Tom)
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
5/26/2007
Marriage Thoughts
Morningstar's friend, Buffalo, wrote a couple of interesting and lucid pieces on "marriage" here and here. He asked:
-- A number of commenters agreed with his reasoning and offered their own understandings of how life brings people to places in long-term relationships where it becomes clear that it may be time to call it quits and move on. Predictably though, there were a couple of folks who showed up sounding judgemental and self-righteous to make the argument that marriage is MEANT to be forever, and that anyone who doesn't INTEND to keep those promises; to SUCK IT UP, and act like a MAN/WOMAN, and keep their committments, shouldn't get married in the first place.
Now, this is awkward. Buffalo has no great love for the Heron Clan. But the fact is that, on this one, he's got it right, and his critics are showing their colors as narrow minded and judgemental folks who simply lack the compassion to allow for even the possibility that there might be good reasons why people do not remain in marriages, whatever their original intent may have been, and in spite of every application of character and courage to fulfill the promises they once made.
Whatever mythology we choose to load it with, marriage is a social/legal contract that is primarily about protecting property and the transmission of property. That it has come to be imbued (in western culture) with "Christian" religious significance is a relatively recent development in the history of human interactions. That particular twist is about issues of inheritance and wealth and the passage of monies into the hands of the Catholic church. Master lays that history out, for those who are interested, in His treatise on the Origins of Modern Monogamy . There really is nothing sacred about our "Christian" view of marriage beyond what we have made it to be. For those who do view marriage as literally sacred, that's fine, but at some point, I'd hope there could come to be a return to an understanding that we don't all share the same religious ground or vocabulary -- and that's not just "OK" but foundational to our free society.
With that said, it is probably a very good thing when a marriage works well and a family unit grows in good and positive ways throughout its lifetime. If that happens, the members of the family unit can live and grow and everyone is nurtured and supported and helped to become exactly who they can be in the very best possible way. We ought to all be glad and celebrate the marriages where that happens.
But it doesn't happen that way all the time. Or even most of the time. People make mistakes. People change. Some marriages fail from the beginning. Some fail slowly over time. A dead marriage is dead, and we ought to simply acknowledge that reality and determine what is the best path forward for those humans who are part of that reality. Telling people to simply stay and tough it out is unrealistic, cruel, destructive, and sometimes even deadly. It serves no purpose and accomplishes nothing good. People can survive the ending of a marriage and come out the other side well and strong and good and happy. The end of a marriage does not have to be a disaster or a catastrophe, and may very well be the beginning of some new and good phase in the life of the people involved.
I'm not suggesting we throw out every marriage that encounters a bumpy place. I'm not saying that we ought to tell partners to give it up at the first sign of trouble. I am however, horrified at the notion that there is never, ever any reason to end a marriage. Such thinking is the sort of idiocy that gets people killed, or leads them to suicide, or results in horrible abuse. Humans have limits.
Those who just KNOW that they have the answer to the marriage question; who believe that it is all about guts and courage and character and perserverance and righteousness may think they are on the side of the angels. Perhaps they have the credentials to justify their braying. I'm sure some do. On the other hand, I'm pretty damn sure that there are plenty of self-righteous saints, making judgements -- who ought to be trying on a few other folks shoes for a few miles. From where I stand, an awful lot of that nonsense is just ignorance, arrogance, and a heartless lack of compassion. What kind of pure "nerve" does it take for one human person to believe that they can look into the most intimate and private life of another, and determine the rightness or wrongness of that person's life choices? Especially when those choices go to life and death, joy and bitterness, love and sorrow?
About the only thing you can be sure of is this: if you are married, you get the safety and security of insurance, and social security, tax benefits, health care decision making authority, and social status, and a whole raft of legal and social rights that are just assumed. You believe in your right to exist as the person you are in your relationship. You have the right to ask for acceptance of your relationship and expect that that acceptance will be forthcoming. You just live in a world where your "marriage" grants you legitimacy. Not because your relationship is better than another person's relationship, but because you have the socially normed legal contractual pairing. Congratulations. AND, if your marriage, through good fortune, turns out to be one of the (statistically) less than half that goes the distance, then you win the prize for having chosen well and having made all the right turns along the way. Good on you. That doesn't make you special. It makes you lucky. Learn the difference.
I only know what I know of my own experience. I married too young. I'll be the first to admit it. I was naive, and a bit desperate. I'd grown up in a household where there was too much alcohol and not enough sane parenting. He seemed alright at the time, and I thought I was in love. I'd been taught that sex before marriage was "wrong" (of course), but he was so earnest and insistent, and I was so innocent of any real knowledge that I was pretty clueless. Of course, no one had bothered to give me any information about birth control because that would have simply "encouraged" me, and interfered with some divine plan (BAH!), so along with the guilt of premarital sex, I joined the ranks of generations of young women -- pregnant out of wedlock. Abortion, according to the religious beliefs I'd been indoctrinated with in those years, was out of the questions, and so... we married. We were years away from being aware enough to know who we were. The wedding was in January. The baby came in July. Sixteen months later, there was another. I needed to survive, make my way, keep my children alive, and try and make that marriage work. That's what I'd been taught all my life; by my entire upbringing and the whole society in which I was imbedded.
But, it became clearer and clearer that the man I'd married was not a solid adult partner. There were "gaps" in the foundation. I found that I spent lots of time running around managing his behavior. He seemed to have no sense of how other people perceived his actions, or the things he would say. He couldn't keep a job, so I lived in continual fear of the next financial catastrophe that he might plunge us into. He was hopeless in terms of providing structure or guidance to the children, and frequently undermined me disciplinarily with the children. He was forever approaching our female friends and women in his workplace with inappropriate and (usually) unwelcome sexual comments and suggestions. I lived in a panic about the potential for legal ramifications for his foolishness.
None of that even touched on the parts of our life together that were sexual. Very early on, I came to understand that I had drives and desires that my husband viewed as "perverted" and "sick." He made it clear that there were things about my fantasies that he simply could never accept and that I was clearly "bad."
I believed him. I worked really hard to make it work. Somehow. I hid who I was. Tried to keep it buried. For twenty-eight years I did what the "know-it-alls" suggest people ought to do. It changed nothing. It kept us both miserable. In the end, when I finally called a halt, he took less than a year to find another and remarry. She, I think, makes him happy in a way that I never did. And, I've finally found the life that makes me happy. Keeping us locked together all those years served no purpose that I can imagine except to fulfill the ideals that others foisted upon us both.
I didn't make promises "lightly." Neither did he. We intended to do it "right" -- considering what we knew at the time. We didn't end our marriage easily or casually. We should have ended it far sooner than we did. Some will judge the reasons that we did that when we did.
For now, I live without marriage. The world says that marriage is defined by the "numbers," and the number for a marriage is two. No more and no less. So, I live in a family that loves and our committments are strong and true. There is no "social" status to my position or my role, and those who would likely judge the ending of my marriage would almost certainly judge the nature of my "non-marriage" as well. I can't imagine that my poly life fits well inside their narrow, moralistic, world-view. Oh well. Frankly, the thought that there is a bit of consternation in their constrained, and unkind souls gives me a curious bit of satisfaction.
I don't judge how people love. I do judge when people hate; especially people who claim to follow a religious view that teaches "love." Frankly, I believe we are made for joy. I think, when it comes to relating and sex, we tend to take it all far too seriously. There are simple legal ways to take care of the "stuff" that we try to make marriage do for us socially. We ought to separate those things and learn to love one another when and as we do.
swan
"Why should marriage be forever? If you have to work hard at staying
married, is it worth it? It seems to me a lifetime of self-sacrifice, of walking
on eggshells, negotiating your way through minefields, and trying to make the
proverbial silk purse from a sow’s ear, is a colossal waste of good life... Two
people in a relationship don’t necessarily grown either the same amount or in
the same direction. Often our needs, wants, and desires change. Then one day, we
wake up and find that we not only don’t love the person we’re with, but we don’t
like them too damned well either.Why on earth would you want to work hard at
staying with someone you don’t even like?That bit about hard work doesn’t do it
for me any more than the “till death do us part” bit. When the love is gone, it
is time to say good-bye. “As long as love lasts,” seems reasonable to
me."
-- A number of commenters agreed with his reasoning and offered their own understandings of how life brings people to places in long-term relationships where it becomes clear that it may be time to call it quits and move on. Predictably though, there were a couple of folks who showed up sounding judgemental and self-righteous to make the argument that marriage is MEANT to be forever, and that anyone who doesn't INTEND to keep those promises; to SUCK IT UP, and act like a MAN/WOMAN, and keep their committments, shouldn't get married in the first place.
Now, this is awkward. Buffalo has no great love for the Heron Clan. But the fact is that, on this one, he's got it right, and his critics are showing their colors as narrow minded and judgemental folks who simply lack the compassion to allow for even the possibility that there might be good reasons why people do not remain in marriages, whatever their original intent may have been, and in spite of every application of character and courage to fulfill the promises they once made.
Whatever mythology we choose to load it with, marriage is a social/legal contract that is primarily about protecting property and the transmission of property. That it has come to be imbued (in western culture) with "Christian" religious significance is a relatively recent development in the history of human interactions. That particular twist is about issues of inheritance and wealth and the passage of monies into the hands of the Catholic church. Master lays that history out, for those who are interested, in His treatise on the Origins of Modern Monogamy . There really is nothing sacred about our "Christian" view of marriage beyond what we have made it to be. For those who do view marriage as literally sacred, that's fine, but at some point, I'd hope there could come to be a return to an understanding that we don't all share the same religious ground or vocabulary -- and that's not just "OK" but foundational to our free society.
With that said, it is probably a very good thing when a marriage works well and a family unit grows in good and positive ways throughout its lifetime. If that happens, the members of the family unit can live and grow and everyone is nurtured and supported and helped to become exactly who they can be in the very best possible way. We ought to all be glad and celebrate the marriages where that happens.
But it doesn't happen that way all the time. Or even most of the time. People make mistakes. People change. Some marriages fail from the beginning. Some fail slowly over time. A dead marriage is dead, and we ought to simply acknowledge that reality and determine what is the best path forward for those humans who are part of that reality. Telling people to simply stay and tough it out is unrealistic, cruel, destructive, and sometimes even deadly. It serves no purpose and accomplishes nothing good. People can survive the ending of a marriage and come out the other side well and strong and good and happy. The end of a marriage does not have to be a disaster or a catastrophe, and may very well be the beginning of some new and good phase in the life of the people involved.
I'm not suggesting we throw out every marriage that encounters a bumpy place. I'm not saying that we ought to tell partners to give it up at the first sign of trouble. I am however, horrified at the notion that there is never, ever any reason to end a marriage. Such thinking is the sort of idiocy that gets people killed, or leads them to suicide, or results in horrible abuse. Humans have limits.
Those who just KNOW that they have the answer to the marriage question; who believe that it is all about guts and courage and character and perserverance and righteousness may think they are on the side of the angels. Perhaps they have the credentials to justify their braying. I'm sure some do. On the other hand, I'm pretty damn sure that there are plenty of self-righteous saints, making judgements -- who ought to be trying on a few other folks shoes for a few miles. From where I stand, an awful lot of that nonsense is just ignorance, arrogance, and a heartless lack of compassion. What kind of pure "nerve" does it take for one human person to believe that they can look into the most intimate and private life of another, and determine the rightness or wrongness of that person's life choices? Especially when those choices go to life and death, joy and bitterness, love and sorrow?
About the only thing you can be sure of is this: if you are married, you get the safety and security of insurance, and social security, tax benefits, health care decision making authority, and social status, and a whole raft of legal and social rights that are just assumed. You believe in your right to exist as the person you are in your relationship. You have the right to ask for acceptance of your relationship and expect that that acceptance will be forthcoming. You just live in a world where your "marriage" grants you legitimacy. Not because your relationship is better than another person's relationship, but because you have the socially normed legal contractual pairing. Congratulations. AND, if your marriage, through good fortune, turns out to be one of the (statistically) less than half that goes the distance, then you win the prize for having chosen well and having made all the right turns along the way. Good on you. That doesn't make you special. It makes you lucky. Learn the difference.
I only know what I know of my own experience. I married too young. I'll be the first to admit it. I was naive, and a bit desperate. I'd grown up in a household where there was too much alcohol and not enough sane parenting. He seemed alright at the time, and I thought I was in love. I'd been taught that sex before marriage was "wrong" (of course), but he was so earnest and insistent, and I was so innocent of any real knowledge that I was pretty clueless. Of course, no one had bothered to give me any information about birth control because that would have simply "encouraged" me, and interfered with some divine plan (BAH!), so along with the guilt of premarital sex, I joined the ranks of generations of young women -- pregnant out of wedlock. Abortion, according to the religious beliefs I'd been indoctrinated with in those years, was out of the questions, and so... we married. We were years away from being aware enough to know who we were. The wedding was in January. The baby came in July. Sixteen months later, there was another. I needed to survive, make my way, keep my children alive, and try and make that marriage work. That's what I'd been taught all my life; by my entire upbringing and the whole society in which I was imbedded.
But, it became clearer and clearer that the man I'd married was not a solid adult partner. There were "gaps" in the foundation. I found that I spent lots of time running around managing his behavior. He seemed to have no sense of how other people perceived his actions, or the things he would say. He couldn't keep a job, so I lived in continual fear of the next financial catastrophe that he might plunge us into. He was hopeless in terms of providing structure or guidance to the children, and frequently undermined me disciplinarily with the children. He was forever approaching our female friends and women in his workplace with inappropriate and (usually) unwelcome sexual comments and suggestions. I lived in a panic about the potential for legal ramifications for his foolishness.
None of that even touched on the parts of our life together that were sexual. Very early on, I came to understand that I had drives and desires that my husband viewed as "perverted" and "sick." He made it clear that there were things about my fantasies that he simply could never accept and that I was clearly "bad."
I believed him. I worked really hard to make it work. Somehow. I hid who I was. Tried to keep it buried. For twenty-eight years I did what the "know-it-alls" suggest people ought to do. It changed nothing. It kept us both miserable. In the end, when I finally called a halt, he took less than a year to find another and remarry. She, I think, makes him happy in a way that I never did. And, I've finally found the life that makes me happy. Keeping us locked together all those years served no purpose that I can imagine except to fulfill the ideals that others foisted upon us both.
I didn't make promises "lightly." Neither did he. We intended to do it "right" -- considering what we knew at the time. We didn't end our marriage easily or casually. We should have ended it far sooner than we did. Some will judge the reasons that we did that when we did.
For now, I live without marriage. The world says that marriage is defined by the "numbers," and the number for a marriage is two. No more and no less. So, I live in a family that loves and our committments are strong and true. There is no "social" status to my position or my role, and those who would likely judge the ending of my marriage would almost certainly judge the nature of my "non-marriage" as well. I can't imagine that my poly life fits well inside their narrow, moralistic, world-view. Oh well. Frankly, the thought that there is a bit of consternation in their constrained, and unkind souls gives me a curious bit of satisfaction.
I don't judge how people love. I do judge when people hate; especially people who claim to follow a religious view that teaches "love." Frankly, I believe we are made for joy. I think, when it comes to relating and sex, we tend to take it all far too seriously. There are simple legal ways to take care of the "stuff" that we try to make marriage do for us socially. We ought to separate those things and learn to love one another when and as we do.
swan
Asking for a Spanking
I woke Him up this morning. I just couldn't lie there any longer waiting for Him to wake up on His own. I'd been awake for hours. Thinking, imagining, fantasizing, wishing for the things He would, could, might do to me.
Finally, when He rolled over and threw His arm over me and snuggled up to my back, I began by stroking His arm and hand. When that didn't achieve the desired effect, I took His hand and put it on my breast, and He sleepily cupped me. Ummmmmmm. Nice, but not quite what I had in mind. I squirmed a bit, and then began patting the breast with the sleeping hand.
The growly voice from behind me enquired, "What are you doing?"
So... I just took the sleeping hand and kept it thumping away. From breast on down and around until I was slapping my own backside -- with His hand.
The growl shifted to chuckling as He came fully awake. And, yes, I got the spanking I'd been asking for. To think that there used to be a time that I was shy about asking for spankings. And to think that there was a time not so long ago that I was thinking that I would never want another spanking ever again...
Grin.
swan
Finally, when He rolled over and threw His arm over me and snuggled up to my back, I began by stroking His arm and hand. When that didn't achieve the desired effect, I took His hand and put it on my breast, and He sleepily cupped me. Ummmmmmm. Nice, but not quite what I had in mind. I squirmed a bit, and then began patting the breast with the sleeping hand.
The growly voice from behind me enquired, "What are you doing?"
So... I just took the sleeping hand and kept it thumping away. From breast on down and around until I was slapping my own backside -- with His hand.
The growl shifted to chuckling as He came fully awake. And, yes, I got the spanking I'd been asking for. To think that there used to be a time that I was shy about asking for spankings. And to think that there was a time not so long ago that I was thinking that I would never want another spanking ever again...
Grin.
swan
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