We are three adults living in a polyamorous triad family. The content here is intended for an adult audience. If you are not an adult, please leave now.
Our T's mother lives in the city just about 45 minutes north of us. Her brother lives just a few minutes from her mother's house. She has a young-adult niece and teenage nephew, both of whom she helped to parent when they were very small, who live with their mother in Michigan. When the kids come to visit, it is an event.
Our usual routine at the holidays is to go one evening to her mother's house to have dinner with the kids and open gifts with them. The timing of that is always a little tight as their visit is sandwiched in between jobs, school, and their desire to get back home for Christmas day with their younger siblings.
Tonight was the planned gathering. We were scheduled to head north as soon as Master and T got home from work. The "enchilada casserole" (our contribution to dinner) was ready to go. But then trouble struck in the form of a significant ice storm. The warnings were that there were accidents everywhere and that the roads were increasingly difficult closer to T's mom's place. We checked the online weather services and found that it was projected to get icier and icier until about 2 AM. By the time she was ready to leave work and head home, T had decided that it was impossibly dangerous to make the trip tonight. She was heartbroken; so was her mother.
Both Master and T made it home safely after work, and we ate a very somber supper. T was terribly upset. We talked about how many years we've pulled this off without ever being impeded by weather. As we talked, Master came to a decision. He'd driven in far worse weather than this, and He was quite sure that He could navigate the roads. We were on our way after all...
T called her niece and nephew to tell them we were on the way, and they were amazed. "But the roads are terrible," they told her. She assured them that it would be OK. "After all, your Uncle is a force of nature," she told them.
We made it just fine. We picked the kids up at their father's house, and went on to their grandmother's house. The neighborhoods were pretty dicey, but we did fine. We hand a lovely visit, opened all the gifts, chatted for a bit, and headed on home. Master is the Hero of the season. What could have been a very sad ending to our evening before Christmas Eve turned into a happy family gathering because He made it happen.
We're well launched into the seasonal festivities. May all of you find your way, through whatever obstacles, to be with those you love and care for. Have a wonderful Christmas.
Because we are a blended family, we have lots of obligations during the holidays. Last Sunday, we did a dinner at the retirement community where Tom's Dad lives. Tomorrow, Swan and I will prepare the annual Christmas Eve dinner with the 3 of us, Tom's Dad, Tom's son, our Ex-Wife, and our Ex-Mother-in-Law. Thursday we will do Christmas Dinner and gifts with the afore mentioned group, plus Tom's daughter, her partner and Son's girlfriend. That will be held at our Ex-Wife's home. Whew!
And today, is when we exchange gifts and do dinner at MY Mom's. But all was falling apart for tonight. The weather was shitty.... Ice was falling from the skies. Mom called me 2 times at work to express her concerns about us traveling up to her. And finally I relented. I called Swan and told her not to bake the enchilada casserole. I called Tom and told him about the weather at Mom's and how the mailman almost fell on her sidewalk due to the icy conditions. And I cried as I called my Mom and told her we could not safely make it to her, my niece and nephew. I said that they should call me on a speakerphone, so I could be a part of the gifting... And I cried. I cried all the way home from work.
When I got home, the 3 of us shared the enchilada casserole I had made to share with the rest of my family. It is one of my Mom's favorites, I made it for her....and I cried. Tom was doing everything he could to cheer me up. He came up with all sorts of ideas to get me to my Mom's...even leaving here at 1am and opening presents with her at 2am! And then he got all Domly with me and said "The hell with it! I have driven in worse than this. We are going!" .... and I cried.
We packed it up and headed north to my Mom. Picked up my niece and nephew and we went to her house. Took us 4 tries to get into her driveway because of the severe icing. But she was thrilled and I was VERY touched that Tom did all of this for me....and my Mom.
We have been home about 30 minutes. And about 20 minutes ago, Mom called to make sure we got home safely. And to tell me "We got ourselves a good one. Tom is a wonderful man and we are lucky to have him."
Yes, Mom. We are indeed lucky to have him. There are days that I want to strangle him when he is being a poo-head (not very subby of me, I know). And then there are times that he is forgetful or preoccupied and I am not the first thing on his mind. And then there are these precious times that he goes beyond reason to make me happy and to care for my family. I cannot express my gratitude for Tom's presence in my life.
During this season of giving, we are often too caught up in the actual presents, and fail to see the gifts before us. Tom is our gift. Swan and I are blessed to have him in our lives.
I love you, my B-B. You bring joy to my life and fill my heart with love.
This is another Toybag Toys paddle, called (creatively enough) the heart paddle. Duh!
It is a tiny, little thing -- not much bigger than the palm of my hand. Done in solid maple, it is a gorgeous thing to look at, and deceptively sweet... Do not be fooled. Looks can be deceiving, and this is a wicked little toy.
The heart paddle, unlike the dragon paddle, can and does leave impressions on my ass. Carefully and accurately placed strikes will leave perfectly shaped, lividly red, heart-shaped marks all over the place.
Anyone who has had much paddle experience can tell you that the more diffuse the blow from such an implement, the less intense the sting it creates. A very large paddle surface can be challenging just because it is often heavy and capable of bruising, but a tiny little paddle like this one creates a flashing, white-hot sort of burning sting that is really quite breath-taking. When these were still being sold by Toybag, it was not unusual for unsuspecting, inexperienced submissives/bottoms to ASK for one of these monsters. After all, they look entirely innocent, and really very cute. I've never known anyone, who ever asked for the heart paddle more than once...
I've got nothing to report about all the Hanson paddles, so let's just move on.
This is the "dragon" paddle. It is, in my view, the very best of paddles. It is a beautiful, decorated, leather piece, purchased years ago from an E-bay auction. The hand-painted dragon is embossed into the surface. There was a time, when this paddle was new, that my then-husband would attempt to create dragon impressions on my ass. That never really worked, but this paddle remains one of my favorite implements. It is both sensuous and lovely. To me, that "lovely" bit is somehow important or significant, although obviously, I don't get to see it much in action.
Nowadays, the dragon paddle languishes, neglected, at the bottom of the trunk where we keep the toys we hardly ever use. When I mention it, Master just snickers. It doesn't seem like a paddle to Him...
caitlin of caitlin smiles, we have just learned from her devoted Master and husband, has died. Those of us who had the privilege of getting to know this sensitive, caring, brilliant, and very articulate woman feel her loss very deeply. She was someone who enriched your life just in the most basic interactions. You always left your communications with her feeling your life had somehow been enhanced.
She was good enough to carry on a correspondence with us privately and to also phone us and stay in touch. We knew that she was very ill and that she struggled to stay with her Master and his family and to be the glue of her family. She was the essence of a true M/s spouse, despite barriers that almost no one would have overcome to carry forward.
We three feel huge regret for her loss and the greatest sympathy and desire to support her Master and family. We hope that as time goes along the wonderful gifts we know she shared with them in so many ways will overshadow the pain of her loss.
This is a sad moment for us all.
Tom Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
Our t, having not sworn off watching news programming reported at breakfast this morning that during the George Stephanopulous Sunday morning news talking heads program Democratic Party spokesperson Donna Brazile minimized the flap over Rick Warren's role in the inauguration saying that "by the time Aretha Franklin sings everyone will have forgotten about Rick Warren."
I sent the following statement to her at her personal website and the ABC website :
I was appalled at the callous disregard for the bruised feelings and passions of civil rights activists in your on air comments this morning that by the time Aretha Franklin sang at the inauguration, everyone will have forgotten all about Rick Warren.
My family and I worked terribly hard and sacrificed not readily available finances to help elect Barrack Obama believing he was a sincere civil rights advocate and that the Democratic Party was espousing a platform for social progressivism and self-determination for all Americans regardless of what class or color or orientation or belief. We were fooled and we were lied to by the Democratic Party, and by Obama.
Those of us who are advocates for civil rights for Americans and who have been so since the 60's will not be watching an inauguration the spiritual center piece of which is the bigot Rick Warren, so Aretha's dulcet tones will be lost on us, and we will never be led down the path again by the Democratic Party. By the way, I am not gay. I hear consistently in the media that the only people who care about the Bigot Warren's role in the inauguration are gay activists. I don't want you to make that assumption.
There has never been a greater demonstration of the concept that there is nothing to be offered Americans by either major political party. I have worked to elect Democrats and to fight for civil rights since I graduated high school in 1967. I will work from this point forward to empower a third party to defeat Obama and whoever the Republicans trot out in 2012. I never thought that when we saw a black man finally assume the leadership of our nation, he would embrace, as his spiritual standard bearer, the leading bigot in today's anti-civil rights battle in America. Now that there is an African American in the White House it is clear he is so "in" that he can join the establishment in discriminating against others.
We will forget all about it when Aretha Franklin sings.............YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED.....and you will be astounded at the duration of our memories!!!!!
All the best,
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
I've found it interesting to read the comments in response to Master's post about the invitation made by the Obama inauguration planning team to Rick Warren. Clearly, there is a perspective, that is pretty widely shared, that Rick Warren is just a guy whose opinion differs from ours, and that he is of course entitled to that opinion -- and really no one should judge him harshly. People both here, and in the wider culture seem to have real trouble with those who would point to Warren and those who believe as he does, and use the label, "bigot." I am just fascinated.
Merriam-Webster defines "bigot" as a person obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices ; especially : one who regards or treats the members of a group (as a racial or ethnic group) with hatred and intolerance. I suppose we would quibble about whether Warren is obstinate or intolerant or treats gays and women and those with a scientific world view with hatred, but here he is -- judge for yourself:
Actually, as I read about and listen to the various snippets of comments that Warren has made, I am increasingly convinced that he is so sure of his own cultural status and role that he is utterly blind to the potential that his views might be wrong. It is not an unusual thing for those who are part of a dominant culture to see their own ways of doing things as "superior" to all the others that they might encounter. Anthropologists are familiar with this issue, and work to be careful about making culturally biased assumptions as they encounter different societies and customs. Much of the historical injustice in the world can be traced to this phenomenon. Here's an anthropological cautionary note on the subject:
Dominant culture -- Whereas traditional societies can be characterized by a high consistency of cultural traits and customs, modern societies are often a conglomeration of different, often competing, cultures and subcultures. In such a situation of diversity, a dominant culture is one that is able, through economic or political power, to impose its values, language, and ways of behaving on a subordinate culture or cultures. This may be achieved through legal or political suppression of other sets of values and patterns of behaviour, or by monopolizing the media of communication.
The problem is that for most of us, the culture in which we are raised and trained simply looks more "right" to us than everything else. It takes real awareness and openess to understand the value of another culture. That insulated cultural viewpoint is so ingrained that we scarcely notice it most of the time. Thus it is that, until very recently, most of us bought and used "flesh colored" band-aids, and never ever considered that they are only "flesh-colored" if you are caucasian. For all those of any other racial group, band-aids were nowhere near flesh-colored. Today, Johnson & Johnson markets a band-aid that they call "Perfect Blend," but it has been nearly 100 years since the first band-aid came to market. Progess comes slowly.
The current battle for marriage equality for GLBT people reflects, in significant ways, the long battle to end the application of miscegenation laws in this country. Laws prohibiting miscegenation in the United States date back as early as 1661 and were common in many states until 1967. That year, the Supreme Court ruled on the issue in Loving v. Virginia, concluding that Virginia’s miscegenation laws were unconstitutional.
The first recorded interracial marriage in North American history took place between John Rolfe and Pocahontas in 1614. In colonial Jamestown, the first biracial Americans were the children of white-black, white-Indian, and black-Indian unions. By the time of the American Revolution, somewhere between 60,000 and 120,000 people of “mixed” heritage resided in the colonies. There was some serious thought that it would be appropriate and beneficial to encourage the practice of interracial marriage. Among the advocates were president Thomas Jefferson, and American patriot Patrick Henry, who proposed that intermarriage between whites and Indians be encouraged through the use of tax incentives and cash stipends. Despite this, interracial unions were not well accepted in the colonies and, in many cases, were made illegal. The idea that Africans and their descendants were not only different from, but inferior to the English was prevalent. Increased immigration at the turn of the twentieth century generated discourse on the question of race. Theodore Roosevelt, repeatedly expressed his belief that the Irish were of an inferior race, that Asians should not be allowed to enter the U.S., and that Jews had “not yet gotten far enough away from their centuries of oppression and degradation” to become a physically strong race. In 1924 Congress passed the Immigration Act, a series of strict anti-immigration laws calling for the severe restriction of “inferior” races from southern and eastern Europe. As late as the 1950s, almost half of the states had miscegenation laws. While the original statutes were directed wholly against black-white unions, the legislation had extended to unions between whites and Mongolians, Malayans, Mulattos, and Native Americans.
During the 1960s, the civil rights movement helped reverse many of the legal barriers against miscegenation. Then, in 1967, the supreme court took up the case of Loving v. Commonwealth of Virginia. In that year, sixteen states still had laws that made interracial marriages illegal. The case was brought about by Perry Loving, a white man, and his African American and American Indian wife, Mildred Jeter. Since interracial marriage was illegal in their home state of Virginia, the couple was married in Washington, D.C. When they returned to Virginia, the newlyweds were arrested and put in jail for breaking the law. Before dawn one morning, police officers barged into their bedroom, shined a flashlight on them, and demanded to know what the couple was doing. Mr. Loving pointed to their framed marriage certificate on the wall, but the officers informed them that the D.C. license was not legal in Virginia. At the trial, the Virginia judge gave the Lovings a choice: they could spend one year in jail or move to another state. In his opinion, the judge said: Almighty God created the races, white, black, yellow, malay and red, and he placed them on separate continents. And but for the interference with his arrangement there would be no cause for such marriages. The fact that he separated the races shows that he did not intend for the races to mix.
The couple grudgingly moved to nearby Washington, D.C., and appealed their case, which eventually made it to the U.S. Supreme Court. Ultimately, the Court found the laws against interracial marriage unconstitutional. Chief Justice Earl Warren wrote the Court’s decision: “Under our Constitution, the freedom to marry or not marry a person of another race resides with the individual and cannot be infringed upon by the State.” With that decision, all the remaining anti-miscegenation laws in the country were null and void.
It is the battle that, ironically, paved the way for our soon to be 44th president. Born in 1961, Barack Obama is the son of a white mother and a Kenyan father. Had the prevailing, dominant cultural view not been challenged, and eventually overturned, no child of "mixed" parentage could have risen as he has in this country. For me, it is precisely that fact that makes it so hard to countenance Obama's seemingly naive insistence that marriage is only what today's dominant culture says it is. Because, in spite of Rick Warren's adamant assertion, marriage has not ALWAYS been defined the way he defines it. The definition of marriage depends on not only the historial period, but also on the geographical location and the cultural traditions of the individuals involved in the marriage relationship. A general definition of marriage is that it is a social contract between individuals that unites their lives legally, economically and emotionally -- the religious context is a rather latter-day afterthought. Being married also gives legitmacy to sexual relations within the marriage. Forms of marriage include: monogamy polygamy polygyny polyandry same-sex pragmatic (arranged) romantic forced
So, we are locked in a huge battle for cultural dominance. No matter what he might think, no matter how overpowering the numbers of others who believe as he does (about 71% of U.S citizens identify as Christian -- about 7% of those are of the evangelical stripe), Rick Warren (and others like him) do not have the right to simply override those who differ from him in this culture. The United States appears to be going through an unprecedented change in religious practices. Large numbers of American adults are disaffiliating themselves from Christianity and from other organized religions. Warren could/should take a lesson from the BDSM culture. Our community understands how dominance works. If you are the dominant half of a relationship, then you get to have things be the way you say they will be. That is the nature of power exchange dynamics. Relating based on a defined power exchange can be good and positive and joyful, but we all understand that the essential prerequisite is consent. Non-consensual power exchange wears labels like rape and kidnapping and abuse.
Better, we keep in mind the words of President William Clinton at his own inauguration: "Thirty-four years ago, the man whose life we celebrate today spoke to us down there, at the other end of this Mall, in words that moved the conscience of a nation. Like a prophet of old, he told of his dream that one day America would rise up and treat all its citizens as equals before the law and in the heart. Martin Luther King's dream was the American Dream. His quest is our quest: the ceaseless striving to live out our true creed."
To the "pastor" I'd simply say this, "Please feel free to believe and preach as you choose. You are surely entitled. What you are not entitled to do is IMPOSE your set of values and beliefs on me or mine. You are not the boss of me. I do not accept your views, and I will never, ever consent to your dominance. Someday, there WILL be marriage equality in this country. People will be able to love and form families as they choose. That will not harm your marriage. It will not weaken the fabric of our society. It will come -- for people who are GLBT, and eventually for those of us who believe that love is not limited to only two.
