This is a rare experience..........my writing here. It is not that I have never been a contributor here. Certainly I have, but easily 95% of what is here was authored by my swan. Perhaps now that I am unemployed I will write more.
My life (ergo our three lives) are in transition. I have become unemployed since mid June. We are surviving financially as a result of unemployment benefits, and significant changes overseen by swan in her role in our family which we laughingly call the "checkbook Nazi." We have survived the summer and have even entertained guests and taken a brief vacation and we are still paying the bills, eating, getting medical care and doing fine, despite the loss of my professional income. Fortunately, in less than eight months I will be eligible to collect social security and that benefit doesn't offset against unemployment insurance benefits. When my unemployment eligibility ends I have a pension I will be able to collect. My retirement will not be as lucrative as I would have liked but I am afforded a good enough income which when combined with our other two allows us to continue our lifestyle relatively comfortably. I am frankly amazed.
We are at the end of our "summer" which is generally defined in our family as the period swan's school is out of session. What a summer it was! When the summer began I was still CEO of a nonprofit corporation that was in the midst of a serious budget crisis born of the economic woes we are all experiencing, and a seriously incompetent fiscal officer. A week and a half into the summer I was let go. June 15, 2010 was my first day of unemployment in 35 years. Three weeks later I collected my first ever government check. Now I know that it is unemployment insurance paid from a wage pool that I paid into in roughly 42 years of work, and not funded by taxes, but still I am getting weekly checks from a public agency for no work. It is a divergence.
Another key feature of this summer was our visit with morningstar. Her 10 day stay here was a gift. Our many conversations about every aspect of life, great and small, covered so much territory. I have felt a sort of drop since she returned home. Being immersed in her reality and her attention to ours, was a gift. The transition from that immersion to not communicating with her much at all feels like a loss, but not one I have done anything to remedy. It still seems odd to me when swan and I walk and come down the inclined sidewalk behind our condos to not see her on our patio reading a book and waving to us. I think sudden transitions from immersion are a theme for me as I write this. Beyond the gifts of morningstar's relating to us, she totally distracted me from the trauma of my job loss. We explored "tourist" aspects of our community which are quite enjoyable and inexpensive, which I had not paid attention to in the 11 and 1/2 years I've lived here.
Then there was swan's brother's visit. Swan had not seen him since before she came to us 8 and a 1/4 years ago. He had at first been judgemental and alienated from her in reaction to the life choice she made in becoming part of our family. Over time swan's very dysfunctional mother has managed to alienate swan's brother and just about all the rest of her family with her mean-spirited vitriol. It is sad to see someone so elderly so alone, but she drives even friends from her. swan's brother no longer feeling the need to choose between his mom and swan, has resumed the very close brother/sister relationship they had throughout their childhoods. It was a wonderful visit, and selfishly I might add, that he and I got on very well. He enjoyed all three of us, and lived with us in our 2 condos and our poly intentional family lifestyle and emerged "unscathed.":) What a huge success and a gift for both he and swan,
Then swan and I traveled to Denver and visited her son and daughter in law and her wonderful about 15 month old grandson. He is the cutest and most developmentally advanced boy. His parents are wonderful with him. It was great swan and I both got to see him. This likely would not have happened if I had not lost my job. The freedom of my unemployment made this trip possible. It was an intensive 6 days of traveling and relating but it was wonderful. As all trips do, this intensively immersive experience ended suddenly when we returned home.
T has had an intense summer too. Readers here will perhaps remember that her previous job was phased out of her organization, and she located a new position, working for the same company, but with a very rigorous over 3 month training period during which time off was restricted. Her previous job had been four ten-hour days. This new one returned her to a five day a week schedule, and reduced her pay. On the other hand, it reduced her commute to work to less than a mile, greatly reducing the costs of her going to work. She didn't accompany swan and I to Denver because she didn't have time off available to her. She also has been immersed in the experience of her Mom's disability due to the five strokes she has suffered and compounded by her lung disease, and has spent some weekends with her, providing her niece direct care relief and respite. On those weekends, swan and I usually "visit" our wife at her Mom's. It is an ironic experience.
At the beginning of this summer swan and I discovered a new family doctor we like. We three have all transitioned to his primary care practice. He very early on tested my testosterone levels. I have been receiving testosterone hormone replacement therapy for about eight or nine years. It turned out that what with me having lost 50% of my weight from my gastric bypass surgery in March 2009, I was, as they refer to it in sports, "juiced." No one intended for me to have hugely excessive testosterone levels, least of all me, but I, in fact, was on testosterone supplement to the point that is similar to the levels some baseball and other sports figures have gotten into trouble for taking illegitimately and illegally to enhance their physical development and sports performance. My level was above the level they are even able to measure. I then, with my doctor, discontinued my testosterone replacement therapy. I was tested after two weeks of discontinuation, and my level was essentially zero. They then put me back on the replacement therapy and two weeks later I was back to being off the charts on the high end again. I am now awaiting results of a test from being on half doses of testosterone to see if my levels have finally leveled off at a level that is "normal." This roller coaster from hugely excessive testosterone, to no testosterone, to where ever the hell it is I am now has put me through major changes physically and emotionally..............another emergence and transition from total immersion.
As all this has gone on, for some reason, and I haven't figured out why yet, I have developed "switch energy." Years ago I didn't do BDSM (adult consensual spanking and related arts) play only from the Top or Dominant end of the power exchange. I also "switched" to bottom in some play, i. e., to be spanked etc. Then about five years ago I lost any desire to ever be anything but a Top or Dominant partner. Suddenly I am interested in switching. I have not lost my Dominant basic personality. I have not lost my desire to be a sadistic Top, but I have returned to wanting to also bottom.........even to the point of receiving honest to goodness domestic discipline. I have gone from a complete immersion in Dominance as my BDSM role and my family relatedness to switching......another startling and sudden transition.
This past summer when I lost my job, I had not had a vacation in years. All of what time off I had from my all absorbing career had been medical leaves for the various surgeries and illnesses I've had. I loved being free, and since swan was off school, we were continuous companions loving, power walking, communicating, doing everything together. This past Tuesday school resumed. Her time for me has dropped significantly and suddenly. I am alone and unemployed and uncertain about my future, trying not to question my worth. Total immersion ends yet again. Even I can see the trend here:)
I am having a tough transition. I've had many others in my life and they have generally been beneficial. I am loved, and well, and fed, and when swan gets home today, we will take our power walk and get with t, have dinner, and our evening with us all together.
There was a song in my youth with lyrics, "The nights are forever without you." I would have to paraphrase that for my present reality, "The days are forever without you."
All the best,
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
8/22/2010
Romantic
A couple of days ago, I made a comment in response to morningstar's musings about what sort of "label" might or might not be a fit for the way she is experiencing her place in the lifestyle at present. She talked about having lived as a submissive; having worked at trying to be a slave; having recently tried to play as a bottom -- and not feeling as if any of those roles really worked for her. She also talked about her long history in the lifestyle community; how she got her start, and the things that have inspired and excited her as she has traveled the path.
I suggested that, perhaps, the label she is looking for is "romantic," and then I went on to take some liberties with the way I proposed to define the word. Life went on, things got busy, and I hadn't checked back in to see what else might have come of the conversation -- until today. Today, with a bit of time to spend, I went back to find that some nameless person had taken my suggestion and opined that she didn't think that the BDSM activities that she finds "hot" are romantic. Idiot! Literal fool. Isn't it possible to conceive of a notion of the word, "romantic" that would encompass our kind of relating? Why can we not play at the edges of the alternative sexual realm and still experience something that we might fairly and honestly characterize as "romantic?"
A simple Internet search yields a range of definitions for the word, romantic: consisting of or resembling a romance; having no basis in fact : imaginary; impractical in conception or plan : visionary; responsive to the imaginary appeal of what is idealized, heroic, or adventurous; marked by expressions of love or affection; constituting the part of the hero especially in a light comedy. Clearly, beyond the somewhat narrow understanding of the word, this is a definition that allows for those of us who live and love LARGE; who love with imagination and a sense of adventure; who are even willing to allow for the possibility that sometimes love is a heroic thing -- or a comedy.
In terms of the etymology of the word, the sense of "love" that we associate with the idea of romance comes from the middle ages, when Latin was the language of the intellectuals but the languages of the people -- i.e., the Romance languages -- were the vulgar languages in which love stories were written.
I know that the common wisdom is that romance is about flowers and candy and sappy music -- about sugary sweet weddings and fairy tale happily ever after endings. Mature people love maturely. They come to know who they are, and they leave that adolescent dreaminess behind in favor of real love, and real romance with real partners. I suggested to morningstar that, as a "romantic," I could see her loving those people who would honor the woman she has come to be; who would strive to meet her needs and fulfill her desires -- even as she did the same for them. In my view, that constitutes "romance," and I'd rather live my life with that sort of romantic love than the flowery fantsies of my youth.
swan
I suggested that, perhaps, the label she is looking for is "romantic," and then I went on to take some liberties with the way I proposed to define the word. Life went on, things got busy, and I hadn't checked back in to see what else might have come of the conversation -- until today. Today, with a bit of time to spend, I went back to find that some nameless person had taken my suggestion and opined that she didn't think that the BDSM activities that she finds "hot" are romantic. Idiot! Literal fool. Isn't it possible to conceive of a notion of the word, "romantic" that would encompass our kind of relating? Why can we not play at the edges of the alternative sexual realm and still experience something that we might fairly and honestly characterize as "romantic?"
A simple Internet search yields a range of definitions for the word, romantic: consisting of or resembling a romance; having no basis in fact : imaginary; impractical in conception or plan : visionary; responsive to the imaginary appeal of what is idealized, heroic, or adventurous; marked by expressions of love or affection; constituting the part of the hero especially in a light comedy. Clearly, beyond the somewhat narrow understanding of the word, this is a definition that allows for those of us who live and love LARGE; who love with imagination and a sense of adventure; who are even willing to allow for the possibility that sometimes love is a heroic thing -- or a comedy.
In terms of the etymology of the word, the sense of "love" that we associate with the idea of romance comes from the middle ages, when Latin was the language of the intellectuals but the languages of the people -- i.e., the Romance languages -- were the vulgar languages in which love stories were written.
swan
8/20/2010
Polyamory Observations #18
Some people, when they are new to polyamory, wonder about the various configurations of poly relating. It is a complicated question to answer because there are lots and lots of relationship forms that show up once people begin to explore the possibility of relating outside of the Noah's arc model of two by two. Throw away the idea that romantic love is constrained to pairs, and suddenly there is a vast array of alternatives -- fours, fives, moresomes, webs, clans, tribes, whatevers. Like so many other labels, used in other contexts, the labels that people use to describe these "more than" two relationships, give bits of informations, but fall far short of telling the whole story. To know that some set of people identify as a poly triad, or a poly vee really doesn't give you a full understanding of who relates to who, or how they relate along the various lines of contact inside the dynamic.
We have, variously, described our particular version of polyamory as a "poly triad," or a "poly vee (V)." Both constitute fairly commonly used geometrically-based descriptors for relationships that involve three partners rather than the traditional couple. While we tend to use the terms interchangeably, there is an understood difference in what is implied by triad as opposed to vee.
A triad is a triangle where each of the partners is equally in love and involved with the other two. Vee's are relationships where two partners relate to the third partner -- at the "hinge," but not necessarily directly to one another.
Our family doesn't exactly match either of those models. Surprise, surprise!
We are, absolutely, all "in love" with one another, and we surely are completely involved with one another. However, we are all heterosexual, and T and I are not sexual with one another. So, our triad/triangle keeps us all engaged with one another -- even if the only time we all pile into bed together is if Himself is in the middle getting petted and pampered by both T and I. That works for us, but I know there are some who would say the lack of "sexual" love between T and I makes it "not poly."
We also operate, in some ways, like a vee. There is very little doubt that she and I both relate to Master, and in some ways, He really does provide that "hinge" point with the two of us out at the ends of the metaphorical V. But it isn't as simple as that. There are times when either T or I assume the hinge role, occupying the space in the center of the family, and serving in the role of conduit between the other two. So our vee shifts depending on the circumstances. In our case, the "hinge" is not simply or only a point where sexual contact may occur. The hinge person is relating intensively in two directions at essentially the same time. What the nature of that intensive relatedness is varies. It might be a negotiation role, or a mediation role, or an advocacy role, or a role that entails education of one partner about the other.
Maybe, for those rare few who do it like we do it, the more accurate descriptor would be "shifting vee."
swan
A triad is a triangle where each of the partners is equally in love and involved with the other two. Vee's are relationships where two partners relate to the third partner -- at the "hinge," but not necessarily directly to one another.
Our family doesn't exactly match either of those models. Surprise, surprise!
We are, absolutely, all "in love" with one another, and we surely are completely involved with one another. However, we are all heterosexual, and T and I are not sexual with one another. So, our triad/triangle keeps us all engaged with one another -- even if the only time we all pile into bed together is if Himself is in the middle getting petted and pampered by both T and I. That works for us, but I know there are some who would say the lack of "sexual" love between T and I makes it "not poly."
We also operate, in some ways, like a vee. There is very little doubt that she and I both relate to Master, and in some ways, He really does provide that "hinge" point with the two of us out at the ends of the metaphorical V. But it isn't as simple as that. There are times when either T or I assume the hinge role, occupying the space in the center of the family, and serving in the role of conduit between the other two. So our vee shifts depending on the circumstances. In our case, the "hinge" is not simply or only a point where sexual contact may occur. The hinge person is relating intensively in two directions at essentially the same time. What the nature of that intensive relatedness is varies. It might be a negotiation role, or a mediation role, or an advocacy role, or a role that entails education of one partner about the other.
Maybe, for those rare few who do it like we do it, the more accurate descriptor would be "shifting vee."
swan
8/18/2010
A Conundrum
Master is feeling switchy these days, and not simply in an erotic and exploratory sense. He is flirting with the notion of entering into some fairly serious disciplinary and submissive SM activity with me as the Dominant/Top partner. It isn't entirely new territory for us. As long as we've known each other, our family has, at least nominally, subscribed to a power exchange model that we've called bDDsm. For us, that acronym denotes a relational dynamic that includes the potential for "domestic discipline" to be included within the overarching BDSM practice that forms the foundation for our lives together. Each member of our family is empowered to require accountability for behavior and choices from every other member of the household, and to implement disciplinary consequences if called for. It is something that has been invoked over the years, although very rarely.
I know that the whole concept of switching is a touchy one within the BDSM community. There are those who simply do not understand how anyone can move from submissive to Dominant or from sadist to masochist. Some view the whole business with disdain, while others just dismiss it as some sort of "game" or pretend/play acting. A similar response can be found in the gay and lesbian subculture with regard to the idea that someone might be bisexual. So, even talking about switching feels a bit risky, but it is a growing factor in our current dynamic, and looks to be here to stay for the foreseeable future.
I am finding that navigating the depths and shoals of this recently re-invigorated switching dynamic is proving challenging both emotionally and intellectually.
I can play the role of service Top for Master, and that feels just fine. I'm more than competent with most of the implements in our collection, and I can read His reactions and responses with ease. I can create a bottoming experience that is utterly safe and erotically stimulating for Him. For me, that sort of play feels entirely congruent with our dynamic -- I am serving Him when I play with Him in that capacity.
Too, I have no doubts at all about the FACT of His Dominance or the FACT of His sadism. His occasional desire to experience the other side of the power exchange dynamic, or the other end of the sadomasochistic spectrum does not diminish or change the reality that He is, by His very nature, a Dominant and a sadist. He has Dominant toes, and Dominant chest hairs, and at least one Dominant knee (I'm not as sure about the titanium one). He is utterly, naturally, implacably Dominant. Likewise, He does take great pleasure in spanking women, and He is happiest when that sort of play veers into the intense and extreme ranges. He is what He is.
Every now and then, however, it is as if some sort of season comes over Him. He hasn't bee interested in bottoming for years, but now, He is in a more or less continual frenzy of wheedling and manipulating and conniving to get spanked. He is eroticizing spanking as He has not done for years and years. It is an interesting and rewarding adjunct to our play with one another, and one that we both enjoy. We seem to be well into switching season -- for how long is anyone's guess.
What is notably different this time around is that He is working His way through thinking about entering into a disciplinary dynamic with me as a path to achieving some health and behavioral changes. That is new territory for us, and honestly, it scares me. Disciplinary spanking and erotic SM play are not at all the same thing. For spanking to be effective in creating behavior change, it has to be seriously aversive. I know that to create the sort of behavioral change He's thinking about, I'd have to get pretty Draconian with Him, and that gives me pause.
He would have to trust me to judge wisely; to hurt Him without harming Him; to guide Him through the process -- even when He reacts angrily or feels that it is all unfair. Conversely, I will need to trust Him to keep the fact that I am acting in that disciplinary capacity separated from His feelings about me AS HIS SLAVE. I do not want to believe that there is some sort of retaliatory component entering into our play. I think that would break my heart.
I know there are lots of people who will question if doing this sort of thing negates the M/s dynamic between us. I am sure there will be people who will not be able to understand how we can move back and forth across these boundaries. It surely does not fit the "usual" template for these kinds of relationships. I don't care. We've never done this in the "usual" way. If we can come to a place where we really trust each other in this, then I think we will break new ground and explore new territory. I think we are working our way along just now; each of us dealing with our own fears and doubts. Knowing what we know about how our love works, I am sure we'll figure it out, and I believe we'll find a way to make it work for us both.
swan
I know that the whole concept of switching is a touchy one within the BDSM community. There are those who simply do not understand how anyone can move from submissive to Dominant or from sadist to masochist. Some view the whole business with disdain, while others just dismiss it as some sort of "game" or pretend/play acting. A similar response can be found in the gay and lesbian subculture with regard to the idea that someone might be bisexual. So, even talking about switching feels a bit risky, but it is a growing factor in our current dynamic, and looks to be here to stay for the foreseeable future.
I am finding that navigating the depths and shoals of this recently re-invigorated switching dynamic is proving challenging both emotionally and intellectually.
I can play the role of service Top for Master, and that feels just fine. I'm more than competent with most of the implements in our collection, and I can read His reactions and responses with ease. I can create a bottoming experience that is utterly safe and erotically stimulating for Him. For me, that sort of play feels entirely congruent with our dynamic -- I am serving Him when I play with Him in that capacity.
Too, I have no doubts at all about the FACT of His Dominance or the FACT of His sadism. His occasional desire to experience the other side of the power exchange dynamic, or the other end of the sadomasochistic spectrum does not diminish or change the reality that He is, by His very nature, a Dominant and a sadist. He has Dominant toes, and Dominant chest hairs, and at least one Dominant knee (I'm not as sure about the titanium one). He is utterly, naturally, implacably Dominant. Likewise, He does take great pleasure in spanking women, and He is happiest when that sort of play veers into the intense and extreme ranges. He is what He is.
Every now and then, however, it is as if some sort of season comes over Him. He hasn't bee interested in bottoming for years, but now, He is in a more or less continual frenzy of wheedling and manipulating and conniving to get spanked. He is eroticizing spanking as He has not done for years and years. It is an interesting and rewarding adjunct to our play with one another, and one that we both enjoy. We seem to be well into switching season -- for how long is anyone's guess.
What is notably different this time around is that He is working His way through thinking about entering into a disciplinary dynamic with me as a path to achieving some health and behavioral changes. That is new territory for us, and honestly, it scares me. Disciplinary spanking and erotic SM play are not at all the same thing. For spanking to be effective in creating behavior change, it has to be seriously aversive. I know that to create the sort of behavioral change He's thinking about, I'd have to get pretty Draconian with Him, and that gives me pause.
He would have to trust me to judge wisely; to hurt Him without harming Him; to guide Him through the process -- even when He reacts angrily or feels that it is all unfair. Conversely, I will need to trust Him to keep the fact that I am acting in that disciplinary capacity separated from His feelings about me AS HIS SLAVE. I do not want to believe that there is some sort of retaliatory component entering into our play. I think that would break my heart.
I know there are lots of people who will question if doing this sort of thing negates the M/s dynamic between us. I am sure there will be people who will not be able to understand how we can move back and forth across these boundaries. It surely does not fit the "usual" template for these kinds of relationships. I don't care. We've never done this in the "usual" way. If we can come to a place where we really trust each other in this, then I think we will break new ground and explore new territory. I think we are working our way along just now; each of us dealing with our own fears and doubts. Knowing what we know about how our love works, I am sure we'll figure it out, and I believe we'll find a way to make it work for us both.
swan
8/17/2010
Worry, Worry, Worry
The new school year begins one week from today. There'll be 40 new 11-year-old students arriving promptly at 8AM, and I'll be launched, along with them, into a new year with all of its promise and all of its challenges.
There's just one problem with all of that. It isn't what you think. I am not dreading the return to the classroom. I am feeling ready and eager to see my kids from last year, and to meet these new, young ones who will be mine for the next space of months.
It is just that... my classroom has been undergoing a major renovation through the course of this summer. Before I left last spring, I packed every single bit of everything in my room, leaving it all in boxes stacked in the hallway outside the door. Piled to the ceiling -- nearly.
That remodel is not finished. There is new carpet and new paint. New light fixtures and ceiling fans were being installed today. The wiring for computers and the Smart board are all in place. The old, less than functional closets have been torn out, and the space prepared for new, kitchen style cabinetry. Those cabinets are on site, along with the library book shelves that I asked for. None of that is done yet. Most of that will not be done until the end of this week. I have been told that I can get into the room and start moving things back in on Saturday morning.
Three days. Three days to move everything in and unpack it all and put it all away. Nevermind bulletin boards and the sort of bright and charming silly touches that say "Welcome" to new students arriving full of wonder and anticipation on the first day of school.
I admit it. I am a control freak. When it comes to my teaching, I am absolutely linear and driven. I also know that the first day of school is my BEST day in terms of organization. What doesn't get done by that day, may, quite possibly not get done. Or, at the very least, not get done well.
I am worried. Quietly worried. Trying to put the best face on the chaos, but inside I am feeling panicked and out of control and agitated.
Worry, worry, worry, worry! I'm exhausted already.
swan
There's just one problem with all of that. It isn't what you think. I am not dreading the return to the classroom. I am feeling ready and eager to see my kids from last year, and to meet these new, young ones who will be mine for the next space of months.
It is just that... my classroom has been undergoing a major renovation through the course of this summer. Before I left last spring, I packed every single bit of everything in my room, leaving it all in boxes stacked in the hallway outside the door. Piled to the ceiling -- nearly.
That remodel is not finished. There is new carpet and new paint. New light fixtures and ceiling fans were being installed today. The wiring for computers and the Smart board are all in place. The old, less than functional closets have been torn out, and the space prepared for new, kitchen style cabinetry. Those cabinets are on site, along with the library book shelves that I asked for. None of that is done yet. Most of that will not be done until the end of this week. I have been told that I can get into the room and start moving things back in on Saturday morning.
SATURDAY MORNING!!!
Three days. Three days to move everything in and unpack it all and put it all away. Nevermind bulletin boards and the sort of bright and charming silly touches that say "Welcome" to new students arriving full of wonder and anticipation on the first day of school.
I am worried. Quietly worried. Trying to put the best face on the chaos, but inside I am feeling panicked and out of control and agitated.
Worry, worry, worry, worry! I'm exhausted already.
swan
8/16/2010
Age = Useless?
I've been contemplating a discussion that started a couple of days ago on Fetlife. Here's the shortened version of the original post --
How old is too old for a gal to go look for an M/s relationship? ... what do masters do with the old slaves when they aren't useful and attractive to you anymore ... in the end isn't the older slave just going to be dumped for a younger, "better" gal within time? ... there are soooo many hotties ... and they are ... so much more useful and slavey than the older gals?
It is my belief that this was, at least in part, posed in these terms with a deliberately sardonic twist. I'm convinced that the original poster intended to point out the silliness of assuming that, as we age, we become unsuited for the practice of consensual slavery. However, even as I acknolwedge all of that, I am feeling a bit driven to stick my chin out and say, "Hey! Wait just one minute... Old doesn't equal useless -- far from it!"
There surely are would be dominants and wannabe masters who believe that the purpose of a slave is to provide what my old friend Gabriel Montana (yes, I still miss Him and kaylem) referred to as "blow jobs and butt sex." Under that line of reasoning, the slave usefulness quotient isn't a whole lot different than that obtained from a minimally functional whore. In fact, it seems to me that there is a whole lot less risk and effort entailed in hiring yourself a blow job than trying to take on a full time power exchange relationship in order to get that taken care of.
The fact of the matter is that women who identify as slaves, and live in that reality, are "useful" to their Masters in a whole bevy of ways -- only some of them related to sex (although there are plenty of erotically and sexually useful things that slaves provide too):
So. I'm not sure how old is too old. Maybe, someday, when I'm using a wheelchair for mobility, keeping my teeth in a glass in the bathroom, unable to hear or see Him, I'll be less useful. Probably that's the inevitable end of this whole story. Probably then, we'll both need the help and assistance of some sweet young thing -- she or he will turn us over in bed, and change our diapers and spoon our pureed dinners into our senile old mouths. Eventually, if we live long enough, I imagine the fires that currently drive our sexual relating will die down. I hope we'll never lose the urge and ability to reach out to one another and cuddle. Maybe what qualifies as "useful" depends on what it is that one has use for? However it turns out, I believe that I've gotten hold of the sort of Man who would never dump me for a younger, "better" gal. He tells me that I am His -- always and all ways. This I believe.
swan
How old is too old for a gal to go look for an M/s relationship? ... what do masters do with the old slaves when they aren't useful and attractive to you anymore ... in the end isn't the older slave just going to be dumped for a younger, "better" gal within time? ... there are soooo many hotties ... and they are ... so much more useful and slavey than the older gals?
It is my belief that this was, at least in part, posed in these terms with a deliberately sardonic twist. I'm convinced that the original poster intended to point out the silliness of assuming that, as we age, we become unsuited for the practice of consensual slavery. However, even as I acknolwedge all of that, I am feeling a bit driven to stick my chin out and say, "Hey! Wait just one minute... Old doesn't equal useless -- far from it!"
There surely are would be dominants and wannabe masters who believe that the purpose of a slave is to provide what my old friend Gabriel Montana (yes, I still miss Him and kaylem) referred to as "blow jobs and butt sex." Under that line of reasoning, the slave usefulness quotient isn't a whole lot different than that obtained from a minimally functional whore. In fact, it seems to me that there is a whole lot less risk and effort entailed in hiring yourself a blow job than trying to take on a full time power exchange relationship in order to get that taken care of.
The fact of the matter is that women who identify as slaves, and live in that reality, are "useful" to their Masters in a whole bevy of ways -- only some of them related to sex (although there are plenty of erotically and sexually useful things that slaves provide too):
- they often earn an income and contribute to the financial viability of their households
- they clean and maintain the house -- creating an hospitable and comfortable living environment
- they provide nutritious and healthy meals, and they do the things that support the healty and well-being of the Dominant
- they tend to details like laundry and yard maintenance and the upkeep of cars and appliances
- they raise children; attending to their education and social development
- they entertain friends, family, colleagues -- acting as the social liason for the household
- they support, encourage, cheer, and in other ways empower the Dominant partner to act with energy and conviction in the outside world
- they offer focus and attentiveness -- responding to dozens of unspoken and often unrecognized needs and desires day after day
- they listen carefully and converse intelligently
- they demonstrate a gracefulness and wisdom and integrity that enhances the life of the one they serve
swan
8/15/2010
Where Did the Anger Go?
Mouse wrote an interesting piece about being angry with her Master. I think her story is one that almost any of us might be able to tell -- a series of small irritations that built up to a sense of being seriously angry; and the tipping point at which any one of us might explode and say and do things that we'd later regret.
She didn't do that. She made Him a martini and took it and served it to Him -- and life went on and all was well.
And.
All I can do is wonder where her anger went. As someone who has, more than once, blown my top and made a total mess of my life and my relationships, I just wonder how, exactly, she managed to sidestep the point where everything might have burst into flames. Assuming that the anger was real, and I have no reason to believe it wasn't every bit as real as the emotion that sometimes washes over me, or you, or any one of us -- Dominant or submissive.
Scientists, who study the human brain, have learned that when we are awash in angry feelings there are real physiological events occuring. Different regions of the brain "light up" depending on what is going on with us, and anger sends us into the lower and older regions of our brains where we tend to respond almost instinctively with "fight, flight, or freeze" just as our reptilian forebears might have done.
I'll match up my capacity for submission and service with just about anyone, and I absolutely know for a fact that when I am seriously angry, I might continue to serve and submit -- but the murderous murmering isn't quieted in the serving of a glass of Jack Daniels and water on the rocks. No way.
I have learned, from years of experience, that I don't have to lash out in my anger. I've learned to (sometimes) stay quiet and not explode. I've figured out ways to move to de-escalate the situation rather than escalate. Still, I will need, in each of those moves, to find ways to deal with my anger -- releasing it, choosing to let it go, sticking it in some safe place within my psyche, channeling it into something productive, finding it a quiet place to let it sit and simmer down...
Submissives do get angry. Dominants do get angry. In relationship with one another, we have to learn to manage the strong emotions. Sometimes the patterns and routines that we establish can aid us in that endeavor. I think that is the short version of this episode between mouse and her Master. Patterns are a great thing sometimes. Knowing that conflict is a natural part of intimate relating, perhaps we, doing this thing we do, have learned some tricks for navigating the rough waters. If that were true, we might have things to teach our vanilla brothers and sisters.
swan
She didn't do that. She made Him a martini and took it and served it to Him -- and life went on and all was well.
And.
Scientists, who study the human brain, have learned that when we are awash in angry feelings there are real physiological events occuring. Different regions of the brain "light up" depending on what is going on with us, and anger sends us into the lower and older regions of our brains where we tend to respond almost instinctively with "fight, flight, or freeze" just as our reptilian forebears might have done.
I'll match up my capacity for submission and service with just about anyone, and I absolutely know for a fact that when I am seriously angry, I might continue to serve and submit -- but the murderous murmering isn't quieted in the serving of a glass of Jack Daniels and water on the rocks. No way.
I have learned, from years of experience, that I don't have to lash out in my anger. I've learned to (sometimes) stay quiet and not explode. I've figured out ways to move to de-escalate the situation rather than escalate. Still, I will need, in each of those moves, to find ways to deal with my anger -- releasing it, choosing to let it go, sticking it in some safe place within my psyche, channeling it into something productive, finding it a quiet place to let it sit and simmer down...
Submissives do get angry. Dominants do get angry. In relationship with one another, we have to learn to manage the strong emotions. Sometimes the patterns and routines that we establish can aid us in that endeavor. I think that is the short version of this episode between mouse and her Master. Patterns are a great thing sometimes. Knowing that conflict is a natural part of intimate relating, perhaps we, doing this thing we do, have learned some tricks for navigating the rough waters. If that were true, we might have things to teach our vanilla brothers and sisters.
swan
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