Closing the Year

Reluctantly, just about a year ago, I began to put words to thoughts that swirled in my mind, first at The Swan's Heart, and then later here.

As with so much, I was guided into that writing by Master's insistence. He was convinced that I needed to find a way to voice the wanderings of my mind, and that writing would provide that outlet for me. I was unsure, and not at all happy at the prospect, but obedient. His wisdom has borne fruit in friendships formed, certainly, but in growth for me as well. I have worked my way through a good bit of my own "stuff" here in the blog classroom this year.

I believe that I've found a bit more balance though pouring out so many words here this last year. I know that, in times when I have struggled with my own limits, my own boundaries, my own small-minded short comings, it has been in the effort to stay open and honest here, that I have eventually found some way through the confusion and doubt. I grant that it has not always been easy to read my fussing and fuming here, and I admit to a significant wonderment at those who continue to peep in at the curtains to watch and listen to me whine when there are places that are far sexier. For all that, I've found a few dear souls who have come to feel like good friends, although we've not actually met. You know who you are and you have been for me and mine solid rocks of kindness and stability through a year that has tossed us about some... Bless you for that.

I've learned that I am stronger than I once believed I could ever be -- and softer than I ever let anyone know or see. I've learned truly what it means to "be owned" in times when that has meant to be cared for and indulged and protected and treasured, and too, in times when that reality has demanded that I bend to a will that demands all that I have had to give. I've learned to serve and love and open and give, and I've been hurt for the sake of that love. I've wept and I've sung and I've trembled and I've laughed.

I would do it all again.

When the year winds down to the closing moments, I will look back at lessons learned, at joys shared, at sorrows borne together, at pain and pleasure given and received, at love wrapped around it all, and know that it has been a year I will always be glad to have shared with Master and with T.

"To believe in something not yet proved and to underwrite it with our lives: it is the only way we can leave the future open." -- Lillian Smith

Wishing all who come this way much goodness in the year ahead.

swan

She's Home and Doing Well

My God, as a man who has lived through old fashioned abdominal incision hysterectomies in my former marriage and with my Mom, I am amazed by the new laproscopically assisted procedure. We came out of the hospital seven hours after we initially reported for surgery. Swan has three small bandaids on her abdomen where the laproscopes were inserted and that is all the visual signs of the procedure. She has some discomfort but nothing at all extreme. She is tired and spacey and groggy and all the typical post anesthesia symptoms, but all in all, remarkably well. They told us she was quite anemic despite the rather agressive iron supplementation we've had her taking. They prognosticate that in four weeks when her recovery is more advanced, she should have way more energy and vitality than she's had in quite some time (god help us all:)

I don't have time to say thank you to each of you who have been so kind to our swan and all three of us, with your generous expressions of caring and well-wishes for us through the last couple of weeks and especially yesterday and today.

It is wonderful to have so many friends pulling for us.

All the best and thank you:)

Tom

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

Surgery Is A Success!

Just a quick word...Swan is out of surgery. She is doing fine. The surgery was "uneventful", per the surgeon. Tom and I were there until the surgeon came out and then I had to leave for work. Tom called me at 11:30 am and I got to talk to Swan. She is groggy and sleepy and chilly but sounds good. Tom is chasing down nurses for warm blankets. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, they will be going home in about 2 hours.

Thanks for all of your love and concern. We will keep you posted.

T

Thank you all... Back soon

It is early morning.
We are off to the hospital.
I am well.
Master and T will let you know as soon as possible what my status is, and I'll be back here when I can.

Thank you so much for all the well wishes. It means more than I can say.

swan

December 26th

We've made it through all the festivities... all the family gatherings are done and over with, negotiated with relative success (considering the logistics and demands of all the complicated interweavings of our extended tribe). We've feasted, toasted, gifted, laughed and cried, hugged and smiled our way through the days of the holiday together with all the wrinkly relatings of our family here, and today, it is just us three with a rare, quiet day to spend together without a single demand on us from the outside world -- pure luxury!

We are --

*So much more aware of the passing of time, especially as it impacts Master's parents.
*So much more impressed by the maturing of the children as even our youngest member moves nearer and nearer to his last year of high school and the decisions about college that will take him finally from the "nest" and into a more adult sort of relating with us all.
*So much reminded of the old axiom about not being able to "go home again" as my late Christmas phone call to my son had him regaling me with stories of my own mother's various wickednesses as she tormented the various attendees at my brother's home who did not live up to her standards for decorum and morality.
*So much brought face to face with my own gratitude for a family that loves me as a call to my other brother made clear that he is so awfully alone in a life chosen because there was money to be had in lieu of relationships...
Our presents are all unwrapped and scattered about -- Master's myriad knives of many sizes, T's amazing cooking utensils, my absolutely stunning Hudson's Bay (8 point) wool blanket... The desires of the heart, lovingly sought out and given with much anticipation and joy, now held close to each of our hearts...

Today, we'll wander off, in just a bit, to the local movie house for some time spent escaping into some cinematic fluff. Our list of "want to see" films is actually remarkably long, and our time for seeing them is a bit dauntingly short, but oh well, we'll pick and make a go at it.

Life is good. We are happy here.

Best to you all.

swan

Maturity Sucks!

Age is nothing we can resist. Oh, sure, there are some who will work like fiends with potions and lotions and exercise and surgery to try to hold off the advances of age. But we are not at a point in our progress, as a people, to stop the ravages of dementia.

My hubby's parents are elderly. Dad is 87 and Mom is 85. Every year, Tom has said "Well, we had them with us for another Christmas. Never thought they would make it thru' another year." And I have certainly agreed. Dad is well enough. He still drives. He still flirts with the ladies in the dining room at the nursing facility. But Mom is not in the best of shape. She broke her hip last year. And since then, the slippery slope of senility has been dragging her down. She is a tiny woman. A mere 98 pounds after a good meal, dripping wet. And she is forgetful. Some days, she thinks I am Tom's ex-wife. I usually just let it go. It is easier for her, less confusing, and who am I to make her life more difficult. She never remembers who Swan is. I usually try to work Swan's name into a conversation to help her to remember.

We have these rituals we do during the holidays. We do Christmas Eve dinner and gifts with Tom's parents and ex-family. It used to be a dinner at a hotel. Now we do it at the nursing facility. We are trying to make it less stressful, less confusing, and physically easier for Mom. She didn't want to be involved last night. Said she was sick, and was going to stay in bed. Was cranky and downright mean until she heard that our ex-wife brought their dog. That perked her up. She joined in. But it was very apparent she was lost most of the evening. Was unable to introduce us to the staff that stopped by to visit and called the dog she loves the name of a dog that has been dead for about 40ish years. Last night she agreed to join the family at our ex-wife's for dinner tonight. Tom drove over to pick them up and she refused to go. She was sick, she was cranky, she was not budging.

Dementia is a scary thing. I am sure that she has to be terrified to step out of her door everyday. The fact that today she might remember most things and tomorrow she doesn't remember why they moved 5 yrs ago....how horrible that must be! It would appear that our future events with Mom will need to be at the nursing facility. It is a lovely assisted living center. They have a beautiful 1 bedroom apartment. But for her to be included, we shall have to go to her. It is too much emotional stress for her to come to us. I cannot imagine how hard she must work to remember the smallest things. To be lost within yourself and not know how to fix it. No wonder she is angry and sick and cranky.

So...My next task, as the "social director" that I am.... will be to "gently" motivate the rest of the family to events and gatherings at their location...not ours. We have been blessed to have Mom & Dad with us much longer that any of us ever imagined...it is now necessary we make her remaining time as comfortable as possible.

There will also need to be times that we get Dad out. He needs a break sometimes. He is good at getting involved in the activities of the facility. But there are times that nothing is better than family, and our family needs to remember Dad's needs are equally as important as Mom's.

T

Mixed Emotions

We are deeply immersed, now, into the holiday festivities.

This evening, we will take a moveable feast to the assisted living center where Master's parents have their home. We'll be joined there by His ex-wife, her mother, and His teenaged son. We'll grill filet mignon, put out a baked potato bar, serve up a green bean casserole that has been suitably modified for our dietary restrictions (but which will most likely pass as the version everybody knows and loves in spite of all that), and finish with homemade cheese cake and berry compote. There'll be gifts and conversation and champagne toasts all around. We'll once again marvel that another year has come and gone and we've still got the grandparents all with us...

Tomorrow, we'll gather at the ex-wife's home. The cast will be nearly the same with the addition of Master's daughter and her boyfriend. More gifts, more food, more family time.

In between, the three of us will weave time for "us" around the more public events -- time when we will cocoon into our own home and celebrate the amazing reality of our small family unit.

Last night, our evening at Phantom was wonderful in some ways. Our seats were fabulous, and the performance was excellent. T, I believe, had a wonderful evening. Unfortunately, Master was scheduled (at the last minute) for a sleep study the night before which left Him exhausted, and He wasn't in any shape to really enjoy the evening. Still, it was a gift that was just perfect for our T...

A week ago, I called my son, who still lives in Colorado. He is the older of my two children and will be 30 years old this summer. I still remember the moment that they laid him in my arms the first time... I promised myself then that I would raise a good adult that I'd be proud to know some day -- and I am. He is kind and good and decent in ways that make me so glad to know him. I needed to tell him about my upcoming surgery, and try and assure him that there was really nothing for him to be concerned about. In the event, it was my wonderful son who had me laughing as he explained to me how critically important it was that I get this resolved so that I don't continue to hemorrhage in my junior high classrooms and risk traumatizing some poor young guy... "Really, Mom!"

And then he got serious, telling me about his sister -- she's in jail, Mom. Charges in two different counties: distribution and conspiracy to distribute. Crystal Meth. Again. Likely a sixteen year sentence this time. She'd called him. Asked him to call me and call her grandmother and see if we'd spring for a legal defense fund. And, my good, strong, decent, kind, truthful son asked her if he could bring her some cigarettes when he came to visit her. He knows that the other thing is no-way going to happen. Shouldn't happen. I can't look too closely at that -- not really straight on. I've been here before. Know the pain and the anguish and the absolute futility. She, too, was laid in my arms at the moment of her birth. My heart breaks, and I cannot save her.
I am feeling quiet. Emotions reined in tight. Leashed. If I let them go, I'd shriek, and that would be so awfully unseemly on this eve when the world waits for the promise of peace and joy.

I am choosing to believe today and tomorrow and for the new year. Because I must, because I cannot imagine what else to do. Because...

Happy Holidays to all of you. For your friendship and for your love and for your words of wisdom offered here and in private -- thank you. May all good things be yours in the new year.

swan