Negotiation

"The one sure way to conciliate a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured." ~Konrad Adenauer~

We make a very great deal out of the need for "negotiation" in our BDSM relationships.  Whether we are talking about a single play session between relative strangers, or some long term intentional power imbalance created between life partners, our nominal approach is to clearly define wants, needs, and expectations.  We make contracts and checklists and ceremonies and protocols -- all meant to help us communicate precisely who and what we are
with one another.  

It is an important skill for players within the lifestyle.  There's been plenty of good material written about the subject, and I absolutely believe in the value of negotiating well at the outset.

Except that... for myself, I am really not good at doing that early on negotiation -- and that is true regardless of the nature of the relationship.

I did an abysmal job of negotiating on my own behalf when I entered into marriage at the age of 19.  Ideally, one would come to that discussion with a clear idea of who they were, what they wanted, what they needed, and what they could and could not accommodate.  I should have been clear, all those decades ago, about precisely what it was that I was bringing to the table -- both strengths and weaknesses, and I should have insisted on knowing what he offered in return.  Instead, I galloped off into sex and pregnancy and motherhood and marriage based on some vague sense of feeling "safe" and being "in love."  That marriage was very much about what I was getting away from, and hardly at all about what I was getting into.  It was a terrible mistake -- one I paid for for years and years and years (as did he).

Very many years later,encountering my bent toward masochism and BDSM; and then meeting and becoming friends and, eventually, lovers with Master -- you would think that I would have been wiser.  But... I wasn't.  He was intriguing, interesting, fun, exciting, intelligent, powerful, strong, determined, self-assured -- and yes, just a delicious little bit dangerous and bad.  I was hungry, needy, desperate, horny -- and I loved Him.  I didn't ask anything much; didn't make demands; didn't investigate; didn't contemplate that there might be negatives to go with the obvious positives.  In my late 40's, I was no more sensible or careful or cautious than I was in my late teens. 

Considering all of that, He and I have probably been remarkably lucky.  We've had nine real-time years together, and we've learned our way through all sorts of challenges and struggles.  What we didn't know and didn't define and didn't anticipate in the beginning, we've figured out together -- over and over and over in the moment.  It has not been anything like the carefully structured and clear-eyed sort of negotiation that most lifestyle practitioners would recommend, and probably, it isn't what I'd recommend.  Maybe there would have been less stress and less upheaval if we'd laid out all the therefore's and whereas's way back all those years ago...but I doubt it.  I suspect that He and I would have battled and wrestled and wrangled no matter the level of definition for our power balance. 

Now, it seems, we are at the beginning of whatever our future will ultimately be, and I am guessing that we will, between us, create a relational dynamic that expresses the realities of who we are together.  I see the potential for "doing it right" this time -- negotiating for myself with intent and deliberateness.  We might make up formal contracts and lists and agreements.  We might.  But I bet we don't.  He is unsure of this new reality, and I am still shaken and scared -- but neither of us are fundamentally different than we were "before."  Older and more battered, but not one whit different.

He will never bend to my will (no matter what all the AA cultists and treatment professionals preach), and I will be strong and sturdy and clear-headed until I don't need to do that any longer -- then I will give myself up to be devoured.

swan

Color Me Surprised!

We are home, we are resting, We are comfortable.

Yea....Like I said, color me surprised.

Everything I have read about this total reversed shoulder replacement has discussed the pain with this procedure. That just moving the arm would be excruciating.

Nope. Tom had the procedure 3 days ago. Yesterday he was controlling the discomfort with Tylenol and Aleve.

He is back to walking, less, but still out there walking. He is showering with assistance. He is doing PT with little assistance.

The surgeon said his shoulder was one of the worse he has ever seen. There was a great deal of damage, and his rotator cuff was completely gone because of the severe arthritis. I am thinking that he has been dealing with so much pain prior to the surgery, that he has experienced a great deal of relief with the surgery. Not that this is going to be a walk in the park. And the restrictive nature of recovery from this surgery can be frustrating and uncomfortable for the unused muscles and joints of that arm.

Soooo the update is he is doing better than great! And we could not be more tickled.

T

Home

We arrived home just after noon today.  Everything is going well -- much better than we dared to hope. 

He is in relatively little pain, eating well, tired, but otherwise good. 


We are all a bit tired, in fact, so I imagine that these next few days will be rounds of ice, pain medication, very passive and limited Physical Therapy -- and naps.  Lots of naps.

swan

He is Good

 

The surgery went really well.  He was done in about an hour and 15 minutes, and out of recovery by 10:30.  His pain seems well controlled and all of the "plumbing" seems to be working just fine.  He's tolerating crackers and His fruit flavored drink and crackers, and there does not seem to be any nausea.  Vital signs are all good as well. 

So.  This part of the whole business is done.  Now we are on to healing and eventual reahab.  If everything continues to progress as expected, we should have Him home tomorrow.

swan

Shoulder Replacement -- Tomorrow

The alarm clock is set for 3:45 AM.  We'll get up, grab quick showers, and head for the hospital.  He is to be there at 6 AM, and surgery is scheduled for 7:30.  We expect the surgery to last about an hour and a half.  Probably there will be another couple of hours in recovery.  So, by 11 AM or Noon, we should know how the surgery went, and hopefully have Him in His room and awake. 

We will let you all know how things go just as soon as we can. 

swan

Walking In the Rain

Since school let out, we've been pretty consistent with our daily walks -- usually about an hour and a half during which we cover somewhere between 4 and 5 miles.  We walk in the heat and we walk in the dark (with our headlamps), and today we walked in the pouring rain.

Walking gives us an opportunity to meet our neighbors as we exchange waves and smiles and the occasional quick comment about the weather.  For years, we've smiled and waved with an older neighbor lady who uses some sort of scooter chair for mobility.  She always has a friendly greeting and seems remarkably happy and independent in spite of the obvious challenges.  We've never gotten to the point of learning her name or telling her ours -- our walking tends to limit interactions to those that can be managed without breaking stride.

About three laps into our wet and soggy walk today, we came around the curve and there, in her driveway, was our friendly neighbor lady -- trying to maneuver into her van, while holding onto her umbrella.  It was obviously a struggle, and when we spotted her we immediately left our usual path and went to see if we could help somehow.  She'd tied a plastic grocery bag around her head to try and keep her hair dry, and so she could hardly see.  When I got to her and asked if I could help, she said, "who is that?" 

Laughing, we told her that we were the crazy walking neighbors, and introduced ourselves.  She smiled out from her grocery bag hat, and told us that she was "Shirley."  I held the umbrella for her, and Master helped her cover the seat of her vehicle with a plastic bag so that it would be protected from the rain while she lowered it out of the van so she could get into it.  She made the transfer, and we asked her what we should do with her scooter chair.  She rolled her eyes, and declared that it could stay right there; it was "the old one," and maybe the rain would clean it off.  Feisty lady! 

We tucked her in, closed her vehicle door, and waved her on her way.  We finished our walk, and went through a busy afternoon.  Later this evening, we drove over by her place and checked it out.  The scooter chair was gone and there was a car in the driveway, so we are guessing that Shirley made it home and is tonight warm and dry and safe at home.

swan

Ummmm... No

One of THOSE people left this in the comments section recently:

It's not ... endearing for adults to spank other adults to 'teach them a lesson' either. I understand why you guys are always so snippy and iritable. I would be too if my boyf beat me and thought he had the right to.

I am going to assume (or at least act as if I believe), for my own purposes, that this is a glaring example of failure to comprehend anything about sadomasochism as a sexual / erotic orientation.  Maybe, just possibly, this poor person really doesn't understand any of this -- is confused and frightened.  Let's go with that, shall we?

We live an alternative lifestyle that includes elements of BDSM and polyamory.  Some of what He and I do together sexually and erotically (not all of it) falls into the category of sadism and masochism.  He identifies, mostly, as sadistic and Dominant.  I identify, mostly, as masochistic and submissive.  When it suits us, we switch roles and I play at Top while He assumes the bottom role.

Some definitions:

• alternative lifestyle -- a term used to describe someone's preference to living outside the 'normal' constraints of society.
• BDSM-- an acronym that refers to a wide array of sexual and erotic practices including Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism
• polyamory -- a word coined to describe the practice of loving more than one person openly and with the knowledge of one's partners
• sadomasochism -- a term used to describe erotic activities that involve dominance, submission, or the giving and receiving of pain
• 
  
• Dominant -- a person who possesses a dominating persona and enjoying taking control
• submissive -- a person who enjoys giving control over to a Dominant and derives pleasure from serving that person
• switch -- the practice of shifting between the roles of Dominant and submissive, or a person who assumes either role at different times
• Top -- generally applies to the person who assumes control during a scene, usually the one who gives or creates painful stimuli for a partner
• bottom -- generally applies to the person who surrenders control during a scene, usually the one who receives painful stimuli 

BDSM encompasses a wide array of activities.  Some like elaborate bondage while others engage in fire play or wax play or needle play.  There are those who like humiliation, and others who enjoy resistance play, or pony play, or objectification.  People do piercing and cutting and branding and kicking and punching.  Some play with scat or piss or vomit.  There are boot blacks and shoe fetishists.  People tickle and wrap each other up in plastic wrap.  Some like various forms of medical play, and others like playing with electricity.  A few of us are sort of old school and, perhaps a bit boring -- we like spanking, paddling, caning, whipping and various related arts.  Almost nobody gets into all of that.

As different as we are from one another; no matter the breadth of our disparate practices; the idea of consent is at the foundation of what we do.  It is easy for those on the outside of the lifestyle to see sensationalized representations of our kind of sexual practices, and assume that force and coercion is somehow part of the story.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  BDSM partners negotiate.  We talk about who we are and what we want and we design our sexual practices to suit ourselves.  Whatever it might look like from the outside, it is reasonable to assume that partners are acting upon prior agreements, checking in with each other as things proceed, and creating something unique between them.  We do what we do because we like it; because it gives us pleasure; because it connects and fulfills us in ways that no other type of sex can. 

Within the lifestyle, it is fairly common to hear references to "vanilla's" and "vanilla sex."  That is the community's way of designating the non-BDSM, so-called "normal" sex practiced in the mainstream.  We generally recognize that our way isn't for everyone, and I've never met anyone in "the life" who would attempt to prescribe our kinks for anyone else.  That poor frightened commenter needn't worry that the "boyf" will "beat" her, or think he "has the right to" because of us -- or because of people like us.  She ought to negotiate the sort of sex life that works for her -- just as we have.

And one more thing...  I am not feeling "snippy and irritable" because of our spanking play.  I like spanking; crave spanking, eroticize spanking.  Some BIG part of our intimate connection comes precisely because He and I are spanking regularly.  What can make me grumpy and edgy is when the spanking part of our life falls away -- and yes, in recent months, we've done way less of that.  Life happens and we've had a plate full, so "sex" and spanking have been less prominently part of our day to day lives.  It isn't likely to get better anytime soon.  He'll be in surgery on Friday morning and then we'll have weeks and months of rehabilitation and healing.  It is tough to swing a flogger or a paddle when you can't move your shoulder...  Busy is going to be part of the bargain for the next while; and tired; and maybe somedays even grumpy.  That is just the fact.  Don't look if you can't deal with my grumpiness.

swan