We've been "mentoring" a couple who are newly exploring their interest in D/s together. Recently, the woman asked me:
"why have you personally chosen the M/s relationship? You seem like such an incredibly strong woman and I guess I'm having trouble picturing you in this kind of relationship"I wonder how many of us, who live this, have been asked the same
question, or have (at a minimum) had outsiders look at us and ask themselves the same thing? I think it is a
paradox that makes perfect sense to those of us who live at the center of this life, and is practically incomprehensible to someone looking in from the outside.
At any rate, here are some thoughts:
I am
strong.
I am
physically strong. For all my various "female issues" in the last couple of years, I am essentially healthy and well. Although I am a lifelong migraine sufferer, I have no serious, chronic health issues, and generally, my headaches are well controlled with medication. We still often joke that the "swan" designation evolved as a softer, more feminine alternative to "Arnold" -- which was what I laughingly figured I'd end up named because He so often commented that I was a big, tall, strong girl... He doesn't dominate me on a physical level because I am "incapable" of putting up a fight if I were inclined to do so. I am also reasonably attractive. While not a young woman, I am not in bad shape for all of my 51 years. I got blessed with "good genes," and that tall, strong frame, and "good bones" let me get away with the mini-skirts and biker boots that many of my contemporaries cannot contemplate.
I am
emotionally strong. I am an adult who grew up in a home where the parenting was, at best, distant, and at worst, neglectful ranging to abusive. That said, I've largely confronted and conquered those demons and built a good life of my own. I made some unfortunate choices, very early on, that made for a disappointing marriage. Oh well. I made the best I could of that business. Along the way, I raised a child with some significant mental health and developmental needs in an environment where there were very few systemic or social supports. I took my own unique (and socially unacceptable) needs and put them on hold, and focused on "surviving." With all of that, I never lost the ability to care deeply, to remain open, to notice, to find joy, to be alive in the world. I am a "feeler."
I am
intellectually strong. I teach. I teach middle school mathematics, science, social studies, and computer technology. And I'm good. Someone once said that middle school teachers are the "Green Beret" of the teaching profession. Personally, I would defer to the kindergarten teachers on that one, but that's just me... At any rate, I teach because I love it. I left (actually, escaped) a long professional career in the Oil and Gas industry, (where I was earning a significant salary playing with the BIG BOYS) to pursue a vocation that contributed something. I push and pull, cajole and seduce, beguile and bewitch my charges into participating in the learning process so that they construct meanting, dig deeper, explore further, question more widely, and come to command the content beyond the "answers" on the tests. I use all my education, all my experience, all my intuition, all my creativity, everyday, and there are very few days when I don't learn something new and interesting. Along with my own challenging work, I am actively involved in the demanding and rewarding advocacy work that Master does in the disability field. In spite of a natural and inherent shyness, I can hold my own in just about any public setting.
I am
spiritually strong. I seek and find the creative divine in many places. Having spent much of my childhood, youth, and young adulthood in various houses of institutional religious organzations, I have grown to be a spiritual backpacker, choosing to carry with me only those beliefs and values which I find most personally resonant and necessary for my own journeying. If pressed, I tend, generally to fall back to my time with Friends as the "most true" of my religious homes. I also find that I have taken much from time spent with those Lakota Sioux and Blackfoot teachers that I have been fortunate to know. I am, usually, a respector of the beliefs and traditions of others, although I am often bemused by the rancor, vitriol, and exuberance that can be whipped up in the defense of "religion."
I am also, left to my own devices, a "control freak." I have "control issues." My adult children will tell you. My ex-husband will tell you. My students will tell you. T will tell you. Master will tell you. I am linear, detail oriented, anal retentive, and probably compulsive. If we are in the car, my preference would be to be driving. If we were to dance, I'd try to lead... You get the picture... My observation and experience is that there are more than just a few dumbbells in the world, and way too many of them are in charge of things of which they have no business touching in the first place. I have very little patience for ignorant people. Relationally, if someone is inclined to let me control things, I will tend to do that.
I have personal history and personal accomplishment. I have lived a life; done things of which I am proud; seen things which have amazed me, amused me, terrified me, enraged me, caused me to weep. I have struggled and perservered. Sometimes I've won the battles I've waged. Sometimes not. I know, as much as it is possible to know at this stage of the game, who I am.
And that is the key -- I have come to know, and accept, finally, who I am. I am a woman who is strong, but paradoxically, deeply submissive. When I am most intimately attached to someone who is worthy of the challenge, and who has my trust, I am calm and content when I can relinquish the control into His hands. Further, I am masochistic in my sexual/erotic orientation. While that drive is not "easy or pretty," and while I often struggle with it and fear it, if it goes unanswered for very long, it begins to boil over, and enflame my dreams and imaginings.
This is what I bring to the table when it comes to the practice of "power exchange." This is the "power" which is mine. I am powerful in my own right, and I know it. I begin from that position, and I understand that I can, absolutely, take care of myself quite well -- have done so before, and could do so again if it came down to it. That, I believe, needs to be clear -- this is not something I do out of desperation, brokeness, or a lack of other options. It is a choice that I make entirely of my own volition, freely, and with joy.
The question assumes that "a strong woman" would never "allow" anyone to exert control over her as I do, and that therefore there must be some weakness in me that is not readily discernible that makes our power exchange "explainable. How could anyone "willingly" accede to the kinds of limits and demands that are placed on me within our relationship?
It is a paradox that is simply beyond the ability of this woman to encompass...
One definition of the word paradox is --
A tenet or proposition contrary to received opinion; an assertion or sentiment seemingly contradictory, or opposed to common sense; that which in appearance or terms is absurd, but yet may be true in fact.
That's the core of it, really. What seems so absurd is simply true: my years of being "in control," and "in charge" of everything were forced on me by the contingencies of my life: I had nobody that I could trust to hand the control over to, and so I depended on my own, not inconsiderable, strength. All relationships have power dynamics, and the ones that I lived in during those years required that I dominate the situations. I did that, and I was very good. I was also continually sick and exhausted. I never, ever rested or relaxed fully for a single moment that I can recall... The submissive part of me remained hidden and sheltered through that part of my life because it would have been disastrous to have put my life (or those of my children) into the hands of a partner who was incapable of managing his own life let alone mine.
They were not wasted years, however. I learned. I grew. I followed the path that brought me to this place. I got ready to lay my power down at the feet of One who would take it up with care and respect and honor.
Power exchange is the deliberate and conscious creation of inequity in the relationship dynamic. Most (if not all) relationships are inequitable to a degree. Those that deliberately fiddle with the power balance acknowledge this reality, and then manipulate the balance point to accomplish specific energy objectives.
For us, that means that He holds the control. Generally, that hold is fairly light, but it can shift and tighten at any moment. I find that I must remain attentive and be prepared to adjust as His needs and moods require. Usually, I can sense what is called for. Sometimes I miss the cues. He corrects. I am not alwasy easy. He remains undaunted.
I do this because it is who I am. I do this because it answers to a deep need in me. I do this because it calms me; completes me; settles me; thrills me; takes me to the center of my self; connects me to Him; lets me feel safe and sane; brings me home; turns me on; makes me laugh; makes me cry; opens me up; transforms me; is me... I do it because it pleases Him; pleases me. We are this way together, most naturally. It is a pattern that simply works for the two of us. He IS Dominant, and I do not have to think about being submissive with Him -- the responses are entirely reflexive. His expectations create the environment that draw the submissive out of my nature. We relax together this way, and when we cannot BE like this together (because the social setting demands a different mode), we must remain continually vigilant to not slip into the comfort of our M/s pattern with one another.
We are a good match. I suspect that many would have found me way too cheeky, way too bold, way too much of a handfull. I am lucky to have found the kind of Man who can track me down through the trails of my meandering mind, tame my restless spirit, and harness my body to His desires. In the end I choose this life because He chose me -- commanded me, and left no room for me to question. It was that "no room for doubt" sound that I had craved for so awfully long that settled the issue I suspect.
It is not a story that makes sense for everyone -- or probably for anyone but me, for us. It is the long way around to answer a question that most likely wanted something much simpler. Who knows if the answer is even in there anywhere?
swan
Sometimes, an awful lot of "heat" gets put out about what it means to BE a slave, but I've very seldom seen anything written that so eloquently or beautifully describes what it actually means for that work to be done well. I doubt, very much that danae needs any bouquets from me after reading what her Master wrote here: High Maintenance, but for the two of them, for adding this bit of wisdom, and brightness, and joy to my day and my world... these flowers are for you both.
Sometimes, maybe even a lot of the time, when people hear that we are "poly," the very first question(s) that they ask (if they aren't trying to be polite) is where/how/with whom does everyone sleep? We often duck those question(s), figuring it really isn't anyone else's business, but the truth of the matter is, that when it comes to the complexities of LIVING poly, who sleeps where, and with whom, and when is simple compared with FILES...
Explorers of long ago, venturing out into a world that none of them had any understanding of at all, KNEW they were leaving everything that was safe and secure and comprehensible, in an everyday sense, behind. At the very edges of some of the maps they drew, with such elaborate and fanciful care, we sometimes find the statement lettered that describes the uncertainty that they faced:
