Here it is. It would (of course) be an annonymous commenter who would take advantage of the safety of being nameless and faceless to put words to the very doubts that plague me --
"I mainly feel sorry for T...she seems to be the one who misses out all the time and who gets the least attention and consideration"
"I mainly feel sorry for T...she seems to be the one who misses out all the time and who gets the least attention and consideration"
As long as I've been here, from the very first, there has been the continual tension of knowing that having me in this relationship brings with it a cost for T. She made the space for me to be here, and that was not without a price for her to pay. I am never, ever entirely unaware of that fact. I believe that there are real gains that have come to this whole relationship, for all of us, because I am here. Still, as with any relationship, there have been compromises and challenges. None of us live as we might have if we had not connected and combined our lives.
I am able to nurture and support a significant, socially imprinted measure of guilt over my place in this family, and the impacts that I have created simply BECAUSE I exist. When the "crazies" are on me, that guilty sound track plays quite loudly. I can tell myself that I am bad, wrong, evil, terrible, destructive, horrible, wicked... I was raised Catholic -- the list of perjoratives that I can dredge up to apply to my behavior and choices is almost inexhaustible.
I put that on myself. T doesn't do it to me. I don't doubt that she has times when she knows that there are things that she might have more of if it were not for me. We talk about that sometimes. She has never said that she wishes I weren't here. She has never been anything but loving and good to me. She remains the very best friend and sister I could have ever asked for.
So, there is nothing in that comment that I haven't already said to myself. Whoever "annonymous" is, I imagine there are a whole raft of folks who see things the same way. I can feel the weight of that judgement: "evil slut, whining about her life when it is the poor wife who is the one who has reason to be complaining..." The only thing the meanness of it did was give me a chance to "say it out loud" for myself. Maybe that one can be put to rest now. Or not. The world will continue to see what they see and feel the way they feel about what they see here. I will continue to live and walk in the world anyway -- knowing that I am breaking all the "rules," and that the vast majority do not approve. Ah well...
swan
watched Oprah the other day, a rare thing, but one of the topics was open marriage. well, sorta. the treatment was very soft & shallow. the psychologist, a Dr. Saltz, who was on had some interesting things to say, and this, to me, was the most useful:
ReplyDelete"Monogamy is not hardwired, monogamy is a choice," she says. "But that being said, what is hardwired is jealousy and envy and competition. These are normal human emotions and they're difficult to control."
it is hard to choose a life that "a vast majority (of) do not approve." it is hard to share the affection of your lover, no matter how wonderful & right it can feel. it is hard for you to love T and not feel conflicted in that relationship. it does challenge one's sense of self, sense of value, sense of identity to be in an atypical relationship configuration that has to be withheld in other places of your lives. it seems to me you have an added challenge in being also in a M/s dynamic, where you've given certain level of authority over. no matter how "usual" your life is by virtue of your familiarity and love and struggle with it, it is still an extra-ordinarily challenging configuration. throw in all the health challenges and more, and you're really in a stressful, shit-stirring situation!
i guess my point is you are doing graduate level relationship thesis stuff here. you 3 are pushing the edge, and that is mostly uncharted territory. right & wrong about it inside & out is a matter of the perspective you can hold most often, i think.
as always, i'm wishing you all the best. and if you'll allow, a <<< hug >>> for you, dear swan.
it is I the anonymous poster, I just meant I have sympathy for T however misplaced or unwelcome it may be to any of you. I would hate to have my husband in someone else's bed every night. It just seems that she gets a lot less time, attention and consideration. I am not crtiticing non monogamy or any of you, I am just saying I couldnt be pushed aside like T and not resent it.
ReplyDeleteSwan, I don't think you asked for your poly lifestyle to be approved or disapproved of. I am not in a poly relationship, I am not sure if I "approve", but who cares and is that my place anyway? Obviously I am reading here (as anonymous has at least twice). You have intriguing things to say that make me think, and that is a good reason to keep me coming back. I am sure your lifestyle is hard for T, and for you too. Relationships are hard. I don't know if I would want your life any more than you would want mine..,.and the point is? The point is that you cannot worry about anything other than whether your relationship is right for the 3 people involved.
ReplyDeleteAs to the depression, Swan I suspect you know that you must go back on medication. There are many options and the right psychiatrist will help you find one that does work without bad side effects. Until you are balanced you cannot make decisions. It is like a diabetic off her insulin and trying to process food. The body does not have what it needs. Your mind does not have what it needs to process what is the truth and what is skewed by emotion and depression. So many depression are chemically based. Today we know this, and thankfully science has found viable treatments. The ncsfreedom referral source is a good one. I personally know a couple of Drs listed. They are legit. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care and feel better soon! Sara
I know that T has added to this blog from time to time. But my understanding has been that it has been designated that this be a primary journal for Swan. If I am correct, then this will obviously lead to a Swan-type bias. There are probably lots of benefits and downers both for T as well. If she needs for her "side" of the issues to be known, she could post them here as well.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing that I keep coming back to--this is only the reflection of a small part of the totality of thier life together. What we don't see/hear is the ordinary demands of the ordinary day. What we hear are the exceptional highs and lows. And from my experience, the highs/lows are important, but they are not the real "glue" that holds any relationship together.
Swan, feel free to swat me down if I'm out of order. I still admire all three of you and offer you all my {{{{Huggs}}}}
Perhaps because this is an issue that is a heartfelt concern already, to you, you automatically have given it more of your personal power, as in, it's leaving you, and (perhaps) to keep yourself running at a normal/daily rate, the power is being taking it from your spirit, hence the deeper? depression.
ReplyDeleteI may be way off, in thinking this and certainly writing this.
It's just an area I'm currently investigating, myself, and it just might be that annoying parculiarity of seeing what we ourselves need, in others.
Best of wishes and regards to you swan! Lots of hugs, too
mel
your:
ReplyDelete"Still, as with any relationship, there have been compromises and challenges. None of us live as we might have if we had not connected and combined our lives."
says it all, really....
The same goes for a "normal" "stable" "monogamous"
relationship.
Ah, yes... But of course hugh hefner (et. al.) can afford his lifestyle because only the minority of bachelors/spinsters buy nudie mags, the 09xxx numbers are only called by Sad Losers who spend so much money that the companies running them can afford regular scheduled airtime, and [i]no-one[/i] ever buys porn, even while the industry itself is the biggest stable moneymaker besides staples and cars..
You [i]always[/i] have to hand over some independence and freedom when entering a relationship, poly or not.
A choice in relationship might not be [i]yours[/i], but then again I shudder to think what perfectly "normal" "monogamous" people wake up to every day, and I am not the one commenting..
Anonymous' "concern" might seem valid, but it's simply Poking Into Something Known, as both Swan and T have voiced their opinion on the matter here on this blog on several occasions.
I'm simply surprised Swan has the patience to even re-re-re-re-re-tackle that particular dead carcass, and not simply put in some links.
Then again, she [i]is[/i] a maths teacher, so she must have the patience of a Saint :P
You don't need anyone's approval. I know how it gets though seeing those type of comments. It gets old. And the tapes in our head don't make it any easier. But there is one thing I see...you are all together as a family. And the things you write about show it works for you and that is what matters. If all could be so lucky to have it work! Sending you hugs!
ReplyDelete