They are Home!

They are home! My family came pulling into the driveway just about 10 PM last night after driving straight through from Washington DC to be here last night. They were pretty exhausted and by the time we got the car unloaded and a bit of a snack, we were a tired, but happy family.

I am happy!

It has been a quiet day here, but we are just glad to be back together again. The kitty cats are settling back down, and so are all of us. I sure did sleep better. We are just way better here, in our home, together.

swan

"Dating" Persona?

I don't usually do these things. But I've been up since 4:30 AM. I don't sleep well without being tucked in tight underneath His chest. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I'm frazzled.

So. Here's the truth -- there are darned few (it would seem) who can or would even bother to try to do what Himself has done with relative ease...

The Wild Rose Colorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose. Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling. You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective. You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone. Link: The Online Dating Persona Test @ OkCupid - free online dating.

Glowing Like a Horse

They say:

"Horses sweat, men perspire, and ladies glow."

Believe me, as I have worked these last few days, preparing my classroom for the return of my kids, I have glowed like a Clydesdale! Ours is an 87-year-old school building with lots of big, tall windows and high ceilings. There isn't anything even remotely resembling a cooling system in the place. We all drag in our fans, but it is really an exercise in group fantasizing. We just all agree to imagine that those humming, spinning blades are causing it to be cooler in the saunas which will soon be teaming with hot, sweaty, youngsters.

Still, the desks are all arranged. The textbooks are laid out neatly, waiting to be passed out on the first day. The bulletin boards are all up. I have a neat little "fish pond" complete with a fountain and some water plants and a dozen hungry gold fish. There's a place for all the plants and animals that will hopefully come to live with us as we study life science through the year. The math materials are all out and ready to go. The classroom library is all neat and tidy. The shelves are straightened. The students' mailboxes are all set up. My desk is organized. The first week's handouts have been run off. I am ready...

Now all I need is a roomful of children!

swan

Maybe Not as Tough as I Must Look

There's a fine line between participation and mockery. -- Scott Adams, Dilbert

It is interesting. I have been writing about my life and our lives here in cyber space for a good long while now. Those who have been reading from the beginning, have weathered ups and downs and ups and downs of all kinds with me and with us. There have been joys and sorrows, fear and silliness, celebrations and crises -- all poured out here in a flood of words that, when I look back at them all are pretty staggering.

I know that what I write here is only a very narrow view. It is what I choose to write; what I feel I CAN write. Sometimes I choose not to share details or events for a wide variety of reasons. I can go "quiet" here because I am busy, or tired, or stressed, or baffled, or uncertain, or angry, or bored, or confused, or ... I also tend to protect the privacy of our family -- more so than I do my own. I'll expose myself without too much fuss, but I'm far more cautious and careful about hanging the other folks that live around here out for everybody to peer at. Then, too, there are the days when, try as I might, I just cannot make sense of whatever there is -- and so I just let things sit, or I make starts at writing that then languish in the draft mode until they just die of old age and neglect. However the words appear here, I am determined that they will be as truthful as I can make them be... I'd rather not write anything at all than fill up the screen with fluff and fiction.

I think though, that all those words give people the impression that they "know" me; that knowing the things that can be garnered from reading here, they can make a fair assessment about the person I am. I think people assume that I am tougher and braver than I really am sometimes. I think people read all that "masochistic" stuff, and somehow just figure that I must be a real "stoic" when it comes to the emotional side of things. It feels to me that people assume that the sexual/erotic BDSM practice that forms the core of my relationship translates into a kind of brashness and nonchalance about the places where that takes me.

I can understand how those kinds of impressions form. People who read this blog know more about me than the people I work with; more about me than my neighbors; more about me than any of my siblings...

I get very few overtly "negative" comments, and there is seldom anything that openly attacks me or us. Most of our readership is unbelievably kind, supportive, and "faithful." So, when the assumptions that get made about how I "must" be show up, it is almost always subtle. It is the presumption that the fact that I am a "masochist" means that my heart is not tender. It is the presumption that my status as "slave" means that I do not have feelings or fears or struggles.

I think it is hard to reconcile the contradictions -- the clear-eyed, determined, deliberate, sure, and intentional choices and decisions that brought me into this life and this place seem to belie the softness, the fearfulness, the tenderness that are also realities. The openess of this day in and day out chronicle of my path and our lives gives strangers entree, and makes them feel as if they know me. It just must be that I am prone to "look tougher" here sometimes than I really am

swan

Just Me and The Cats

Himself has to attend a four-day conference in Washington, D. C. this week.

T was able to get time off from work, and travel with Him.

They left (driving) yesterday afternoon, and arrived at their hotel this afternoon just about three P.M.

With school starting a week from tomorrow, there was no way that I could leave and go with them. So, I am here being the "Cat Mommy," working to get my classroom ready, staying in touch as much as possible by phone, and trying not to count EVERY SINGLE MINUTE until they are back here where they belong.

swan

Trip to the Stocks

I really wasn't ready. Somehow, I'd managed to convince myself that the session in the stocks would probably happen on Saturday. I don't know why. We hadn't really talked about it, and I guess I just assumed that He'd get to it when the work week was over, and there was "more time."


So, when He said, "I think we'll put you in the stocks for your spanking this morning," my stomach dropped to my feet and my breath whooshed out of my lungs as my blood pounded in my ears. For a few minutes, I just held on to Him, trying to settle myself down -- not saying anything, just wanting to get hold of the solidity of His physical presence to try and anchor my rushing emotions.


He didn't let that go on very long, and it was off to the stocks in short order. Probably that was a good thing. I imagine, that, left too long in my head, I'd have worked myself into a full on panic.


It is never easy getting into the stocks. Today, it seemed particularly difficult. Somehow, my wrists wouldn't fit in the appropriate holes without rubbing and pinching. They just hurt. From start to finish. He did adjust it and it was some better, but not great. Enough better that I was able to calm down and settle in for the session. Wood is just not at all forgiving. It clamps down and that is IT.


He knows that I struggle, and He started carefully with me, giving me the gift of a warm up hand spanking. Just the physical contact helped me. I can't see Him once I'm in the stocks, and He's not a big talker in session, so I can end up feeling alone and isolated. Knowing all of that, He really did go to great lengths to guide me through this one...


I'm not sure which implements He used. I think there may have been a crop and a strap. I know that He used a paddle and the rubber flogger. I know I cried and begged and eventually just simply declared that it was hurting my hands... I know that I asked, at one point, how long I had to stay there, and He told me that I had to stay until my spanking was done. No comfort there.

In the end, when I was completely "done." I had to hang in long enough for Him to take a couple of pictures (I hope you are happy, Jack). He took two, but only one is very clear. Trust me, it wasn't the subject that was moving...





swan

Words -- Master/slave, Ownership, Power Exchange

Words.

As long as I have done this, people have wrestled and wrangled over the meanings and definitions of terms and words. There's a raging debate going on about the nature of "true" Dominance and submission on a list that I read right now. Another conversation is trying to sort out the differences, if there are any, between "Owners" and "Masters" and "Daddys."

I am of a mixed mind about this. I believe that words have power. Words can shape our thinking and our perceptions. I like words that can be used with precision and intention to structure meaning. I think that we use words to communicate, and that when we are clear about what we mean when we use a particular word or expression, it makes it easier for us all to talk reasonably about what it is that we do. On the other hand, I've seen the labels used far too often as clubs to bash people over the head, create stratification, elevate gurus, and solidify factionalization where there didn't need to be any. So, I know that words can be used to harm. So, here's some of what I've been thinking about some of those kinds of things:

I dislike "One-True-Way-Ism." Whether we are talking about BDSM, or religion, or politics, or cooking, or fitness, or fishing, or how to sort socks, I hate it when someone tries to tell me that their way is THE way and my way is therefore, by definition, not THE way. My way (or more correctly, His way) is THE way for me, and if you have some issue with that, then I don't actually have any reason to waste my breath talking to you. I am continually bemused, as I read and converse with people in "cyberia" who have a few months of experience (maybe), and then put themselves out as the judge of everything and everyone. If there is one thing that I've learned along the way, it is that I know way more questions than I do answers at this point. About all I can offer, by way of wisdom, for the most part anymore, is a series of inquiries into what people have tried, what they've found so far that works and doesn't work, and where they would like to explore next... beyond that, I'm happy to share stories, always with the caveat that it is all "MY" story, and may have nothing at all to do with anyone else's experience or reality.

He and I say that what we do is Master/slave. That is the description of our relational power dynamic that seems to fit. It is not a thing that we set out to create or achieve. It is something that evolved for us as we spent time together. We came, over time, to accept that description of what was the reality between the two of us. Our M/s dynamic is, generally, very informal, without many specific protocols, although there are situations where we are much more formal with one another. I refer to Him in writing as "Master" mostly because it is simple. At home, I use His name, or I call Him "Sir," or "Dear" or "Honey." We seldom use the term "Owner," although He will express that T and I are "His" or "His property." Clearly, there is an understanding of ownership within our dynamic.

I'm not sure exactly what the delineation between "Owner" and "Master" is. If I check the definitions, I find that an owner has the right of possession or title, whereas the word master seems to imply a level of expertise or skill or finesse -- as in master swordsman, headmaster, masterpiece... When I consider the two in that context, it makes the two words fit our dynamic like layers. He "owns" me in the sense that He has the right of possession over me, and He is my Master because He has the skills and knowledge that is required to manage the complex and challenging process of shaping, managing, and maintaining me (optimally) in His service.

For us, it began and remains about the power exchange -- the energy that flows between and through us when we consciously and deliberately take our individual and collective power and choose how to use it for our mutual pleasure and benefit. We channel that and balance it and work with it together. It takes awareness and understanding and deliberate choice. It is about creating intentional inequities that spark the flow of energy and drive our desires forward. It is powered by our continual care for one another and scaffolded by our trust in ourselves and in each other.

swan