Last Night.
Ready for bed.
It was such a long day.
The school is going to close.
And the powers that be are jerking us around.
Still, I must daily be "the teacher."
As my kids come morning brightly with plans to scatter next year to "the four winds..."
And I am so tired -- in my every fiber.
Such a long day.
Meeting afer school to hear:
About salary, insurance, unemployment, pension, retirement, odds of finding work somewhere else...
Maybe some of this is really not right?
Maybe it makes sense to consult an HR attorney?
Maybe I should talk to my principal?
Maybe not?
Why didn't I ask the right questions at the meeting?
Why?
Why am I so tired?
Why do I hurt?
I wonder how my daughter's hearing turned out?
I wonder if I'll be able to afford to fly to my son's wedding?
I wonder if I'll be able to find a job?
I wonder if I'll be able to live?
I wonder if I'll be able to make love?
I wonder if I'll ever be able to stand the whippings He's contemplating?
I wonder if I'll ever be able to exercise and get solid again?
I wonder when I'll be able to clean my house?
Time to put the CPAP together.
Time to try and sleep.
Time to get tickled?
Do I get to say, "I don't want to hurt tonight?"
Am I strong enough to not need what isn't there to give.
I'm not the only one who is tired.
Not the only one stressed out.
Please just hold me.
I'm afraid.
Tell me how to stop the screaming in my head.
Where does the anger come from?
Why?
What do I do with that?
How wrong is that?
I'm a mess.
I'm ashamed.
I feel lost.
I feel bad.
I feel as if I've never known how to do this.
Never done any of it at all.
swan
Dear swan,
ReplyDeleteI hope things will look better for you in the morning.
I wish that I could offer you some meaningful encouragement but right now I feel rather as you sound.
However things do look better in the morning.
Hugs.
Paul.
Swan, listen to me. Listen to me well. We will be together and we will be well whatever comes. You are mine and I love you. T loves us and we love her. You are not well. This is your first week back in the classroom, and you are exhausted in the face of your return to work. You are returning to an unnaturally stresful situation because of your school's situation. There are so many strssors for you now. As you approach resuming sexual relations, which you have longed to do and anguished over the absence of, you now are as afraid as a virgin on her wedding night. I love you. I will hold you. You will be protected and you will be well again.
ReplyDeleteThere's only today and tomorrow to get through, and then we can rest and hibernate and love the weekend away.
I will not push you too far.
I love you. You are mine. We will all get through whatever your work tranaition becomes, and we will love and be healhier than we have been in some while.
I know you are feeling like you are flying apart. My strength, our strength is going to pull you together and make you whole.
I love you. TRUST!!!! You are not alone. You are cheished. You will be protected and you are.
Mine Always and All Ways:)
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
Not that i can offer much more in the way of encouragement than Raheretic did above (nicely put ) - I'd like to let you know you aren't alone. Those sort of thought (or similar) plague me often. It is very scary having sex again for the first time since a surgery, i couldn't stop crying the first time I tried to resume (my poor husband). Anyway - I've just started reading your blog and wanted to wish you soothing thoughts.
ReplyDeleteswan, seems we're feeling some similar things. All I can say is hang in there, eventually it passes. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteoh boy the feelings....must be going around. Last week I was mess....and I just am starting to feel better. I do hope you start feeling better soon! Sending you lots of hugs!
ReplyDeleteSo many things going on, so many things going wrong, so many things to go right...
ReplyDeleteIt reminds me of sex the first time after childbirth. With my children, I was ready to go way before the Dr gave the ok, with the last two though and the losses...I was terrified. I never wanted to have sex again ever in my lifetime. As a matter of fact, I cried the entire time.
I got over it.
You will also. Even as nice as it is to voice your fears, voicing them also makes them less strong, makes them less powerful.
You dearest, most wonderful swan are worrying about the milk that has spilt, the milk that might spill and the milk you haven't even bought yet spilling as well...
The one and only thing that you can ever control in your life is how you react to things. Nothing else falls within your jurisdiction. Your reaction to them is a choice, your choice, your only choice.
Hang in there babe, I am counting on a cup of coffee and girl chatter on our mad dash to tour other states. I prefer it to be with sane swan rather than psychotic swan, but I will take it with either *grins*
Good for you letting it all spill and flow like this. Good for you.
magdala~
So many things going on, so many things going wrong, so many things to go right...
ReplyDeleteIt reminds me of sex the first time after childbirth. With my children, I was ready to go way before the Dr gave the ok, with the last two though and the losses...I was terrified. I never wanted to have sex again ever in my lifetime. As a matter of fact, I cried the entire time.
I got over it.
You will also. Even as nice as it is to voice your fears, voicing them also makes them less strong, makes them less powerful.
You dearest, most wonderful swan are worrying about the milk that has spilt, the milk that might spill and the milk you haven't even bought yet spilling as well...
The one and only thing that you can ever control in your life is how you react to things. Nothing else falls within your jurisdiction. Your reaction to them is a choice, your choice, your only choice.
Hang in there babe, I am counting on a cup of coffee and girl chatter on our mad dash to tour other states. I prefer it to be with sane swan rather than psychotic swan, but I will take it with either *grins*
Good for you letting it all spill and flow like this. Good for you.
magdala~
swan.. i read this post yesterday and just sat here and cried for you..(doesn't help that i am under the weather and feeling weak and pukey) BUT the words that Raheretic wrote just moved me so much... you are so lucky to have such a Master !!
ReplyDeleteHang on .. everything will work itself out..... and if you will forgive me i would like to share something my grandmother always used to say to me when things were looking bleak........ "when god shuts one door He always opens another" the job situation will sort itself out.... i am sure.. one way or the other.....
sending you a warm hug
morningstar (owned by Warren)
http://wtsubbie.blogspot.com/
*hugs* big tight ones...you are in my thoughts sweet one.
ReplyDelete