Living Multiple Realities in Real Life

We are a perfect match, He and I. On almost every level, we come together and "mesh." That synchronicity would seem to be a gift that would serve to make life simple, smooth, easy...

Sometimes it does.

On deeper levels though, anyone who has lived a fulltime power exchange relationship will understand the complexities that arise when Sadist/Master/Lover lives day in and day out with masochist/slave/lover.

There are twists and turns and contortions in those interwoven relationships that sometimes defy rational definition or sensible understanding. What works easily and simply in a short term "scene," or within a "normal," mostly vanilla relationship becomes a tightrope act of competing impulses and demands when the multiple roles go hand in hand fulltime. Those who struggle with part-time, snatch moments when they can, there are never enough hours together, part time relationships long for the dream of 24/7, and I'd never give up my fulltime life with Master, but it has its challenges...mostly emotional/definitional.

The Sadist/masochist dynamic, spirals from level to level. True sadists are never happy with hurting a masochist so that it "feels good." Neither, for that matter, are masochists. In our relationship, the match is Sadist to masochist. His need to hurt is matched with my need to be hurt. Much as I fuss about being hurt, I am not truly satisfied if he quits while I still "feel good," even as I bemoan the lack of "anything that ever feels good..." It is a devil's bargain for us both. The Sadist/masochist whirl...

Further is the Master/slave dynamic. His urge is proprietary. Without properly "owned" property, He is fussy, bored, frustrated, angry, unfocused, unsatisfied, unsettled. My need is toward that state of property. Without the sure sense of being fully "pulled in, " and held close, I become subtly panicky. My sense of feeling exposed and threatened in the world increases and I become defended, aggressive, hard, fierce, withdrawn. However, there is huge responsibility in owning another human being. It is an awesome undertaking. When it is "scene" limited, or "now and again," Masters can breathe, relax, let their guard down. Living as we do, fulltime, it is a never ending "chore." Even as I try to manage my own slavery: self-monitor, self-soothe, I am in need of His presence and His attention. I am never "not His." He is never "not on." It becomes wearing and He can become tired. Fulltime M/s is wearing.

We are, on top of the dynamic we live, lovers. Always. It makes it sometimes quite difficult to maintain, establish, and discern the boundaries that are important and necessary to our power exchange. We slip. There are times when it is necessary for us to recalibrate -- to notice that we have crossed lines from one role to another. We must be attentive to what is important to us both. We value our love for one another and hold it close between us. However, no less, we value and cherish our promises to each other as Master and slave. We have, on occasion, lost sight of that dynamic, to the degree that love clouds our perceptions. We have to be vigilant. We learn together.

So far we have not found it impossible, although some in the life have claimed that what we do IS, in fact, nearly impossible. We persevere. We balance all of the "selves" that we feed together. We value all of who we are and who we become together. We manifest our total relational possibility together. It is not always smooth, not always simple, often not tidy. We wrestle the realities, the shifting energies. For us, together, the knowing who we become in this reality we make together is worth the not always knowing who we might be in the immediate moment.

swan