Last Night.
Ready for bed.
It was such a long day.
The school is going to close.
And the powers that be are jerking us around.
Still, I must daily be "the teacher."
As my kids come morning brightly with plans to scatter next year to "the four winds..."
And I am so tired -- in my every fiber.
Such a long day.
Meeting afer school to hear:
About salary, insurance, unemployment, pension, retirement, odds of finding work somewhere else...
Maybe some of this is really not right?
Maybe it makes sense to consult an HR attorney?
Maybe I should talk to my principal?
Maybe not?
Why didn't I ask the right questions at the meeting?
Why?
Why am I so tired?
Why do I hurt?
I wonder how my daughter's hearing turned out?
I wonder if I'll be able to afford to fly to my son's wedding?
I wonder if I'll be able to find a job?
I wonder if I'll be able to live?
I wonder if I'll be able to make love?
I wonder if I'll ever be able to stand the whippings He's contemplating?
I wonder if I'll ever be able to exercise and get solid again?
I wonder when I'll be able to clean my house?
Time to put the CPAP together.
Time to try and sleep.
Time to get tickled?
Do I get to say, "I don't want to hurt tonight?"
Am I strong enough to not need what isn't there to give.
I'm not the only one who is tired.
Not the only one stressed out.
Please just hold me.
I'm afraid.
Tell me how to stop the screaming in my head.
Where does the anger come from?
Why?
What do I do with that?
How wrong is that?
I'm a mess.
I'm ashamed.
I feel lost.
I feel bad.
I feel as if I've never known how to do this.
Never done any of it at all.
swan
2/09/2006
2/08/2006
Working
Some of the "work" of submission gets done in the quiet places in my mind where I am forever checking to see if I am ready for whatever He might ask for/require next.
I've been hearing Him talking to Himself, and to me in some sort of sideways commentary, about what He is contemplating. The reality is that, for many months now, because of our various health issues, His and mine, our SM play has been in decline and abeyance. He has not felt well, and He has spared me as I have increasingly struggled with my own issues.
Between His summer knee replacement, and the ensuing recovery and rehabilitation, and my escalating pain and debilitation leading eventually to the recent hysterectomy, we've been a pair of SM players with the rheostat turned way, way down. Compared to what was our accustomed mode when we came together almost four years ago, we've essentially quit playing save for "now and then." Circumstances have conspired to defeat our longings and our instinctual drives.
That is about to change. He is feeling largely recovered -- is determined to regain lost strength and physical vitality, and has embarked on the regimen that will bring that about. I will reach the six week post-surgical milestone tomorrow. We are hopeful that my minor issues have been resolved and that our official medical clearance for much longed for physical intimacy will be granted on Friday. There are still questions about the anemia, and we will have to wait for that word, but by month's end, hopefully we'll know about that as well. My recovery progresses.
Then... I hear Him saying He intends to take me back to Him fully and use me hard. He seems to have renewed His fascination with whips in this time of hiatus. Perhaps that is because He has been contemplating the need to find lighter implements that don't "jar" my healing insides. Or, perhaps it is simply the shifting of His sadistic tastes. I don't know. I only know the terror and the thrill that it brings up in my guts.
And so I whispered to Him in the darkness last night -- "I don't want you to be disappointed in me..."
He laughed, and wondered what I was talking about. I think it is always a mystery to Him where that sort of thing comes from. He doesn't know that when He hears that kind of whisper, I've been "working," trying to make sure that I am "there" where He wants me to be when the time comes.
I fear that, as long as we've been away from the intense sort of play we used to do, that I'll be quite terribly wimpy at it. Honestly, I've no idea how to get anything but "wimpy" at being at the end of His whip. I suppose, I'm really grasping at this point for some sort of anchoring in the security of His knowing that I'm here and awake and afraid and ready at His hand. Whatever strength and obedience I have is His. All my love and longing is focused on the singularity of being His.
Beyond that, the rest will have to be up to Him.
swan
I've been hearing Him talking to Himself, and to me in some sort of sideways commentary, about what He is contemplating. The reality is that, for many months now, because of our various health issues, His and mine, our SM play has been in decline and abeyance. He has not felt well, and He has spared me as I have increasingly struggled with my own issues.
Between His summer knee replacement, and the ensuing recovery and rehabilitation, and my escalating pain and debilitation leading eventually to the recent hysterectomy, we've been a pair of SM players with the rheostat turned way, way down. Compared to what was our accustomed mode when we came together almost four years ago, we've essentially quit playing save for "now and then." Circumstances have conspired to defeat our longings and our instinctual drives.
That is about to change. He is feeling largely recovered -- is determined to regain lost strength and physical vitality, and has embarked on the regimen that will bring that about. I will reach the six week post-surgical milestone tomorrow. We are hopeful that my minor issues have been resolved and that our official medical clearance for much longed for physical intimacy will be granted on Friday. There are still questions about the anemia, and we will have to wait for that word, but by month's end, hopefully we'll know about that as well. My recovery progresses.
Then... I hear Him saying He intends to take me back to Him fully and use me hard. He seems to have renewed His fascination with whips in this time of hiatus. Perhaps that is because He has been contemplating the need to find lighter implements that don't "jar" my healing insides. Or, perhaps it is simply the shifting of His sadistic tastes. I don't know. I only know the terror and the thrill that it brings up in my guts.
And so I whispered to Him in the darkness last night -- "I don't want you to be disappointed in me..."
He laughed, and wondered what I was talking about. I think it is always a mystery to Him where that sort of thing comes from. He doesn't know that when He hears that kind of whisper, I've been "working," trying to make sure that I am "there" where He wants me to be when the time comes.
I fear that, as long as we've been away from the intense sort of play we used to do, that I'll be quite terribly wimpy at it. Honestly, I've no idea how to get anything but "wimpy" at being at the end of His whip. I suppose, I'm really grasping at this point for some sort of anchoring in the security of His knowing that I'm here and awake and afraid and ready at His hand. Whatever strength and obedience I have is His. All my love and longing is focused on the singularity of being His.
Beyond that, the rest will have to be up to Him.
swan
2/06/2006
Living Multiple Realities in Real Life
We are a perfect match, He and I. On almost every level, we come together and "mesh." That synchronicity would seem to be a gift that would serve to make life simple, smooth, easy...
Sometimes it does.
On deeper levels though, anyone who has lived a fulltime power exchange relationship will understand the complexities that arise when Sadist/Master/Lover lives day in and day out with masochist/slave/lover.
There are twists and turns and contortions in those interwoven relationships that sometimes defy rational definition or sensible understanding. What works easily and simply in a short term "scene," or within a "normal," mostly vanilla relationship becomes a tightrope act of competing impulses and demands when the multiple roles go hand in hand fulltime. Those who struggle with part-time, snatch moments when they can, there are never enough hours together, part time relationships long for the dream of 24/7, and I'd never give up my fulltime life with Master, but it has its challenges...mostly emotional/definitional.
The Sadist/masochist dynamic, spirals from level to level. True sadists are never happy with hurting a masochist so that it "feels good." Neither, for that matter, are masochists. In our relationship, the match is Sadist to masochist. His need to hurt is matched with my need to be hurt. Much as I fuss about being hurt, I am not truly satisfied if he quits while I still "feel good," even as I bemoan the lack of "anything that ever feels good..." It is a devil's bargain for us both. The Sadist/masochist whirl...
Further is the Master/slave dynamic. His urge is proprietary. Without properly "owned" property, He is fussy, bored, frustrated, angry, unfocused, unsatisfied, unsettled. My need is toward that state of property. Without the sure sense of being fully "pulled in, " and held close, I become subtly panicky. My sense of feeling exposed and threatened in the world increases and I become defended, aggressive, hard, fierce, withdrawn. However, there is huge responsibility in owning another human being. It is an awesome undertaking. When it is "scene" limited, or "now and again," Masters can breathe, relax, let their guard down. Living as we do, fulltime, it is a never ending "chore." Even as I try to manage my own slavery: self-monitor, self-soothe, I am in need of His presence and His attention. I am never "not His." He is never "not on." It becomes wearing and He can become tired. Fulltime M/s is wearing.
We are, on top of the dynamic we live, lovers. Always. It makes it sometimes quite difficult to maintain, establish, and discern the boundaries that are important and necessary to our power exchange. We slip. There are times when it is necessary for us to recalibrate -- to notice that we have crossed lines from one role to another. We must be attentive to what is important to us both. We value our love for one another and hold it close between us. However, no less, we value and cherish our promises to each other as Master and slave. We have, on occasion, lost sight of that dynamic, to the degree that love clouds our perceptions. We have to be vigilant. We learn together.
So far we have not found it impossible, although some in the life have claimed that what we do IS, in fact, nearly impossible. We persevere. We balance all of the "selves" that we feed together. We value all of who we are and who we become together. We manifest our total relational possibility together. It is not always smooth, not always simple, often not tidy. We wrestle the realities, the shifting energies. For us, together, the knowing who we become in this reality we make together is worth the not always knowing who we might be in the immediate moment.
swan
Sometimes it does.
On deeper levels though, anyone who has lived a fulltime power exchange relationship will understand the complexities that arise when Sadist/Master/Lover lives day in and day out with masochist/slave/lover.
There are twists and turns and contortions in those interwoven relationships that sometimes defy rational definition or sensible understanding. What works easily and simply in a short term "scene," or within a "normal," mostly vanilla relationship becomes a tightrope act of competing impulses and demands when the multiple roles go hand in hand fulltime. Those who struggle with part-time, snatch moments when they can, there are never enough hours together, part time relationships long for the dream of 24/7, and I'd never give up my fulltime life with Master, but it has its challenges...mostly emotional/definitional.
The Sadist/masochist dynamic, spirals from level to level. True sadists are never happy with hurting a masochist so that it "feels good." Neither, for that matter, are masochists. In our relationship, the match is Sadist to masochist. His need to hurt is matched with my need to be hurt. Much as I fuss about being hurt, I am not truly satisfied if he quits while I still "feel good," even as I bemoan the lack of "anything that ever feels good..." It is a devil's bargain for us both. The Sadist/masochist whirl...
Further is the Master/slave dynamic. His urge is proprietary. Without properly "owned" property, He is fussy, bored, frustrated, angry, unfocused, unsatisfied, unsettled. My need is toward that state of property. Without the sure sense of being fully "pulled in, " and held close, I become subtly panicky. My sense of feeling exposed and threatened in the world increases and I become defended, aggressive, hard, fierce, withdrawn. However, there is huge responsibility in owning another human being. It is an awesome undertaking. When it is "scene" limited, or "now and again," Masters can breathe, relax, let their guard down. Living as we do, fulltime, it is a never ending "chore." Even as I try to manage my own slavery: self-monitor, self-soothe, I am in need of His presence and His attention. I am never "not His." He is never "not on." It becomes wearing and He can become tired. Fulltime M/s is wearing.
We are, on top of the dynamic we live, lovers. Always. It makes it sometimes quite difficult to maintain, establish, and discern the boundaries that are important and necessary to our power exchange. We slip. There are times when it is necessary for us to recalibrate -- to notice that we have crossed lines from one role to another. We must be attentive to what is important to us both. We value our love for one another and hold it close between us. However, no less, we value and cherish our promises to each other as Master and slave. We have, on occasion, lost sight of that dynamic, to the degree that love clouds our perceptions. We have to be vigilant. We learn together.
So far we have not found it impossible, although some in the life have claimed that what we do IS, in fact, nearly impossible. We persevere. We balance all of the "selves" that we feed together. We value all of who we are and who we become together. We manifest our total relational possibility together. It is not always smooth, not always simple, often not tidy. We wrestle the realities, the shifting energies. For us, together, the knowing who we become in this reality we make together is worth the not always knowing who we might be in the immediate moment.
swan
Presents and ...
I think it was minionette who asked the question, "What did you get for your birthday?"
Presents, of course! A new clock for the wall in the kitchen. To replace the one that has been randomly making up times on its own for months now. New tights (which will of course have to be broken in if I ever get brave enough to take them out of the package). A wonderful slinky one shouldered black tee that is actually one-shouldered on the right side to show off the cutting (nothing ever is). A lovely new jacket and sweater (that I'm wearing to school today -- my first day back).
My brother (who can be a pill by times, but who tries) sent us a gift certificate to the local performing arts center. That will take the three of us out for a concert of The Chieftans and a performance called Bowfire. We'd talked about both, but decided that the budget just wouldn't handle it...
Birthday spanking. You know He did. In style. I asked to be restrained, and He indulged me with cuffs attached to my collar and a strap at the knees. Somehow, that helps me feel more secure -- settles me in my mind a bit, and it has been so long since we got serious about anything heavy that I was anxious, to say the least. I know that He had out the cane and the rubber strap and a lighter weight paddle. I know I bear the marks. I know I cried and begged and bled. I am coming back to something closer to what He will want eventually. He is promising that day is coming -- when He will not care what I want, or what I like... But for this day, He did hold me and stroke me as least some of the way through the birthday spanking...
I think it was sufficient to ensure luck for the coming year...
swan
Presents, of course! A new clock for the wall in the kitchen. To replace the one that has been randomly making up times on its own for months now. New tights (which will of course have to be broken in if I ever get brave enough to take them out of the package). A wonderful slinky one shouldered black tee that is actually one-shouldered on the right side to show off the cutting (nothing ever is). A lovely new jacket and sweater (that I'm wearing to school today -- my first day back).
My brother (who can be a pill by times, but who tries) sent us a gift certificate to the local performing arts center. That will take the three of us out for a concert of The Chieftans and a performance called Bowfire. We'd talked about both, but decided that the budget just wouldn't handle it...
Birthday spanking. You know He did. In style. I asked to be restrained, and He indulged me with cuffs attached to my collar and a strap at the knees. Somehow, that helps me feel more secure -- settles me in my mind a bit, and it has been so long since we got serious about anything heavy that I was anxious, to say the least. I know that He had out the cane and the rubber strap and a lighter weight paddle. I know I bear the marks. I know I cried and begged and bled. I am coming back to something closer to what He will want eventually. He is promising that day is coming -- when He will not care what I want, or what I like... But for this day, He did hold me and stroke me as least some of the way through the birthday spanking...
I think it was sufficient to ensure luck for the coming year...
swan
2/05/2006
Birthday Frivolity
There are somethings that only a sister-heart can do for you... Witness the previous post...
And then there is this e-card... I do hope the link works. You just have to put the sound way up on your computer and then sit (gingerly if you are the birthday girl) and laugh at it like we all did. Over and over and over...
http://www.care2.com/ecards/p/8035-4300-10910-9552
swan
And then there is this e-card... I do hope the link works. You just have to put the sound way up on your computer and then sit (gingerly if you are the birthday girl) and laugh at it like we all did. Over and over and over...
http://www.care2.com/ecards/p/8035-4300-10910-9552
swan
2/01/2006
Correcting Assumptions
My inclination was to not address this comment from the previous post at all, because the tone was "ugly," but this section makes assumptions that, for me at least, are just inaccurate:
"It strikes me that one of the pluses of turning yourself over to the absolute authority of another is the shedding of responsibility for your own behaviour and activities. (A return to the innocence and the supposed joy of childhood.) I am convinced that my own desire to be under the control of a stern feminine authority figure is prompted, at least in part, by a desire to return to the security of a childlike state. (I must also admit to a fascination with the sexual implications of being "spanked".)I see nothing wrong with wanting this state of affairs. Can you tell me Swan, if this is not an important part of what you term "Power exchange".
This commenter has followed me around cyberspace for years, dogging me to "repent" while simultaneously salaciously following my every "misadventure." I think that this comment represents a non participant's penchant to fall into the habit of projection. Projection is an interesting thing because it carries with it both positive and negative valance -- the onlooker's own sense of "good" and "evil."
BDSM is a very broad label for a wide set of practices. Knowing that someone engages in BDSM is like knowing that they eat. It doesn't tell you very much about their particular appetites. To assume that you know someone's particular drives or passions or motivations simply because they tell you that they are "into" BDSM; or to assume that their own proclivities might match yours is a very great leap, but again, projection is a funny thing.
I do not slave because it gives me a route to "childlike" innocence, or ability to abandon the responsibility for my behavior or actions. I slave because it is who I am. In submitting my own will to that of another, I answer a need that is an essential part of who I am. In assuming that relationship, I take on a great many responsibilities. My obligations are to make His world run as smoothly as I possibly can. His needs and desires and wishes become my focus. Even when it might appear that I am doing "my" job, paying "my" bills, planning "my" day, I am doing those things with an eye to what is pleasing and important to Him. I serve His well being and His vision. All else is secondary. My work has become to make His work and His life proceed well and smoothly.
As for the "sexual implications of being spanked." That is the talk of one who mostly understands this from a fantasy point of view. I entertained such fantasies for years before I was able to bring the reality to fruition in my life. In fantasy, spanking is sexy as hell. In real life, spanking hurts like hell. I am a masochist. Unfortunately, I am not the sort of masochist who transposes painful stimuli to erotic pleasure. It is very rare that I manage to grab the wave that takes me to a place of transcending the suffering of SM play. My masochism is of the sort that derives from the loss of control, from the knowledge that I am pleasing the One who is my Master, from His pleasure in my suffering.
Power exchange is just that. I am not powerless. I have great power. I take it in my hands and give it to Him to use for our mutual pleasure and benefit. It is a balance that we maintain between us. If I had no power, we'd have nothing to exchange and no reason to interact. The corollary is that He must use His power to hold me and Him and "us" in place. He must find the direction and maintain the momentum and guard our boundaries. I am, in His care as long as He holds the power between us. His is the trust. That is the "exchange."
swan
"It strikes me that one of the pluses of turning yourself over to the absolute authority of another is the shedding of responsibility for your own behaviour and activities. (A return to the innocence and the supposed joy of childhood.) I am convinced that my own desire to be under the control of a stern feminine authority figure is prompted, at least in part, by a desire to return to the security of a childlike state. (I must also admit to a fascination with the sexual implications of being "spanked".)I see nothing wrong with wanting this state of affairs. Can you tell me Swan, if this is not an important part of what you term "Power exchange".
This commenter has followed me around cyberspace for years, dogging me to "repent" while simultaneously salaciously following my every "misadventure." I think that this comment represents a non participant's penchant to fall into the habit of projection. Projection is an interesting thing because it carries with it both positive and negative valance -- the onlooker's own sense of "good" and "evil."
BDSM is a very broad label for a wide set of practices. Knowing that someone engages in BDSM is like knowing that they eat. It doesn't tell you very much about their particular appetites. To assume that you know someone's particular drives or passions or motivations simply because they tell you that they are "into" BDSM; or to assume that their own proclivities might match yours is a very great leap, but again, projection is a funny thing.
I do not slave because it gives me a route to "childlike" innocence, or ability to abandon the responsibility for my behavior or actions. I slave because it is who I am. In submitting my own will to that of another, I answer a need that is an essential part of who I am. In assuming that relationship, I take on a great many responsibilities. My obligations are to make His world run as smoothly as I possibly can. His needs and desires and wishes become my focus. Even when it might appear that I am doing "my" job, paying "my" bills, planning "my" day, I am doing those things with an eye to what is pleasing and important to Him. I serve His well being and His vision. All else is secondary. My work has become to make His work and His life proceed well and smoothly.
As for the "sexual implications of being spanked." That is the talk of one who mostly understands this from a fantasy point of view. I entertained such fantasies for years before I was able to bring the reality to fruition in my life. In fantasy, spanking is sexy as hell. In real life, spanking hurts like hell. I am a masochist. Unfortunately, I am not the sort of masochist who transposes painful stimuli to erotic pleasure. It is very rare that I manage to grab the wave that takes me to a place of transcending the suffering of SM play. My masochism is of the sort that derives from the loss of control, from the knowledge that I am pleasing the One who is my Master, from His pleasure in my suffering.
Power exchange is just that. I am not powerless. I have great power. I take it in my hands and give it to Him to use for our mutual pleasure and benefit. It is a balance that we maintain between us. If I had no power, we'd have nothing to exchange and no reason to interact. The corollary is that He must use His power to hold me and Him and "us" in place. He must find the direction and maintain the momentum and guard our boundaries. I am, in His care as long as He holds the power between us. His is the trust. That is the "exchange."
swan
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