This is about as crazy as it gets...

Lately, I have been obsessed with the stocks. They sit in our bedroom. I haven't been in the stocks since before the hysterectomy -- well over a year and a half. He sometimes threatens to put me in them, if I am fussy in a session, but in practice, the stocks have become a blanket rack. I don't know how I'd respond to being "in" the stocks at this point. My memory of being in them is that it was always mentally and emotionally difficult to just get there. But still, they are filling my imagination, lately -- and in the oddest way. I am not obsessing about being "in" the stocks. I really don't want to be "in" the stocks. And yet I seem to be just fascinated with them right now.

I am continually drawn to the notion of wanting to sleep in the base of the stocks. It is crazy really. I'm not even sure I could get my long, gangly frame curled into that space, and yet there is something that pulls at me. I wake up in the middle of the night and I swear I can "hear" them calling to me. I want to take a blanket and a pillow and just find a way to get myself into that space. There is something that feels to me as if sleeping there would be safe and enclosed and protected and connected somehow.

I don't entirely understand it. I wonder if it is like what I used to do in the days when I faced daily paddlings (when the requirement was that I would go to Him each day, with the paddle, and ask for Him to paddle me). I struggled terribly through that time period. The daily sessions of 100 paddle strokes became increasingly difficult to endure and to ask for as the weeks went on -- and I came to a point, eventually, where I would actually sleep with the paddle. It wasn't anything He suggested or required, I simply began at some point taking the paddle to bed with me, as if somehow holding it through the night would make it easier to cope with the next day.

I haven't gone to sleep in the bottom of the stocks. If He woke up and found me missing from His bed, He'd have an absolute fit, and there'd be no end of grief. I don't want those stocks. I don't want the switching He has mentioned a couple of times this summer. I don't want the daily "whip practice" that He promised late in the spring just before school ended. There is an entirely logical part of my brain that tells me that I will HATE those things if they actually happen, and that, if I say, "yes that is what I want," I will simply disappoint in the event.

I suspect that a good part of what is going on here is that I may need things that I don't really want. This is hard. I'm not a starry-eyed newbie, eager to try all sorts of interesting "fantasies." I've tried all the things I used to fantasize about. I know what happens when the paddles and whips start to swing -- it hurts like hell. I know that I'll cry and scream and beg and do anything within my power to make it stop. I know that, at the point that I ask for something, my ability to negotiate the levels of it all simply vanishes. The minute that I give voice to it, it becomes entirely His domain, and His domain is scary. It doesn't change the needing. Clearly, my mind will go where my courage will not. Until it drives me completely nuts.

swan

Feral Swan

I am pretty sure that I am not the only one who is "like this," although I might be the most difficult and/or challenging of all the women I am familiar with. I can see it as I watch Him ponder the path to take with me. I know that He questions exactly how far to push things; exactly what would be "good," and what would begin to seem "abusive," or "harmful." I can, in my reasonable and sensible moments, empathize with the challenge and complexity of attempting to manage and ride herd on a volatile and emotionally labile creature such as I have become in the last couple of years. I honestly don't know how the Man does it, and there is a part of me that fully understands why so many so-called "Dominants" stick to the relatively hormonally-stable twenty-somethings when they go shopping for potential submissive candidates of the female persuasion.

The dilemma is this: I am still driven, at some essential place by the part of me that remains masochistic and that needs to know I belong to Him. That is the elemental core of my selfhood. It was who and what I was when He and I first connected, and it remains. I am mature enough and self-disciplined enough to not require continual reinforcement, or any sort of formalized ritual, or signal from Him to maintain that awareness within my thinking. It simply is the reality of who I am and who we are together. With that said, however, if it is left unexercised in any concrete way for a significant period of time, I can begin to feel tense, wobbly, stressed, attenuated. It is as if there is a depletion of my spirit that cannot be answered if those bits of me are not acknowledged and "touched" somehow on a fairly regular basis. On the other hand, as I have lost a good part of the more overtly "pleasure" parts of my sexual responsiveness (and entered a state that is sort of like permanent PMS), I have struggled much more to accommodate the masochistic side. The "bargain" is not as balanced, and I can get to feeling that it is pretty unfair that there should be so much of it on the pain side and so little on the pleasure side. I go to the well pretty frequently and come up "dry." That can get frustrating after awhile. I've sort of quit grieving, and mostly, I don't think about what I don't have too much. Still, there are times when I get moody and fussy, and downright pissed off about it all.

It is, I suspect, a hell of a lot easier (if you are a sadist) to hurt someone who is going to get off on it than it is to hurt someone who is going to wail and mourn and curse the unfairness of the whole business -- especially if you really love and care for that person. When you are dealing with that "mourning" thing for lengthy stretches, it can be pretty daunting; nevermind that the one who is doing the mourning is simultaneously speculating that they might just need you to hurt them in exactly the ways that they are railing against. It must be terribly challenging to charge ahead, as a Dominant, with whippings, and paddlings, and switchings, and all manner of evil whatnot, secure in the judgement that it is good for a partner who dissolves into a puddle of hysterical "goo" at the mere mention of such torments. The whole notion of "consent" becomes strained at that point.

Both He and I know, intellectually, how this works between us. I've described the process and the struggle as clearly as I know how, and He is an accomplished pratctitioner, and a very keen observer of my responses and reactions. Knowing what is probably true and understanding how it probably works is one thing. Actually confronting it and pushing on through all of that, day after day, is an entirely different proposition.

It really is like having a wild, untamed, entirely unpredictable creature in your household. He must feel like every encounter is a complete gamble -- no telling what might happen. Even if He asks me how I am, I often cannot give Him much in the way of concrete information. I may have a sense of feeling somewhat stressed or "wobbly," but I am generally totally unsure as to whether the wobbles will be lessened or increased by us playing. I have become a flighty and unpredictable, wild and feral, skittish creature.

We've made so many adjustments for this aging business -- for the shifts and changes that we are both encountering with our years. Still I want to stay lively and sexy and hopeful and open for Him. I need this interraction. It hasn't gone away, simply become more difficult. I growl more than I used to. Somehow I have to find a way to make that growling be a good thing.

swan

This is What I Do!

Some "person" over at kaya's left this comment, and try as I might, I just cannot shake the place where it chaps my hide... My father, curmudgeonly old so and so that he was, said the same thing all my life. It never stopped me from wanting to teach. As long as I've been teaching, I've heard uninformed and arrogant people who wouldn't survive two hours in a busy classroom (let alone make a success of it for the kids that were given into their care) spout that nonsense. I've had it. I understand that there are lousy teachers out there -- people who should never be allowed near a classroom or a child who is trying to learn. But the same can be said for people in every occupation. There are lousy doctors, lawyers, plumbers, accountants, politicians -- you name it, and you can find someone who sucks at doing it. I believe that this ignorant comment gets made because the perception is that teachers make less than they could "out in the corporate world" applying their knowledge there (if they were any good). You know what? That's true. I worked in corporate America for 17 years before I made the move to teaching. I made a six-figure income, and I gave it up and left it behind so that I COULD do what I'd always dreamed of, and teach. I wanted to not just make money -- I wanted to make a difference. I'll never, ever make the kind of money that I once did, because we don't value teachers the way we do other things. But that's the choice our society makes. Anyway, school starts in again in a few weeks and, I'm OVER it with the sluggo's of the world... but I'm not nearly as eloquent about it as this guy... Check it out. He speaks for so many of us who labor in classrooms to MAKE something really valuable:

YouTube -- What Teacher's Really Make

swan

The Consent Counts Discussion Guide

I don't do this very often, but this came through one of the lists that we subscribe to, and the discussion seems worthwhile, so I'm putting the information here for those who may be interested.

Let's do this... We'll just define ourselves as a "family" or a "community group," and conduct our own discussion. If you want to participate and be included in this dialog (and you don't have some other venue where you might take part in this effort) you can post a comment here. When the discussion seems to have run its course, I'll try and compile it and forward it on.

swan

The Consent Counts Discussion Guide is now available at http://consentcounts.org/resource/html . This project is gathering comments, thoughts, ideas from the community on decriminalizing BDSM and sexual freedom issues and more information is available about the project at www.consentcounts.org. The goal of this project is to produce a compiled report that will be presented at LLC in April 2008 in San Francisco which will provide a baseline perspective to the national organizations that are working on these issues. Your voice and views are important. We need all titleholders, community leaders, event producers, and leather families to be part of this discussion. The guide provides a step by step workshop approach on the issues. After having the discussion, you summarize your answers and send them in. Deadline for inputs is Dec 15, 2007. Also forward this to any other e-lists you may be on. For more information, contact pat@consentcounts. org.

Here are the questions that need your input (see the guide for background and additional information) :

Legal/Current Status
1. What are the local laws used against BDSM activity in your community
2. Are there any local cases where the above laws or fear of the leather community has limited access or ability to gather ?
3. What has been the community response (actual or theoretical) to an arrest, raid? Do you have community resources or groups that respond to these situations? Community Perception?
4. What do you think the larger community (GLBT, vanilla) perception is of the leather community?
5. What leather activities make the larger community nervous or that the larger community doesn't want to see us doing?
6. Should the leather community become mainline/acceptable or stay secretive/outlaw with the larger community?

Consent
7. What do you define as consent in leather/kink/ fetish/BDSM community?
8. What are the limits of consent – what can we agree to do?
9. What are the limits on who can give consent – age, mental ability, health?
10.What is the difference between consensual BDSM and domestic violence or abuse?

Retreat

It is getting harder and harder for me to stay here and write day after day.

I don't feel good about being in this place. I have fought the demons of doubt for a very long time, and I just cannot keep looking around and reading and knowing how little I have to say or share that matters or means anything. I am tired of sifting through the dust trying to find something -- anything to write.

I battle with my very difficult sort of masochism. I'm just no way as easy with this as so many people are, and I can't pretend otherwise. The immediacy of an impending session sends me as often as not, and however I manage to get through that, the simple fact of that is something that I have to know and admit and deal with. I cannot brag or boast or be proud of how much I can handle, because I don't handle any of it very well. I cry and hyperventilate and struggle just to try and stay where I'm supposed to -- IF I manage to do that much.

And I still end up needing it anyway. I'm a mess.

I get lonely. I get to feeling tired and overwhelmed and small. Yesterday, I spent most of the day in a "bent" place in the face of a gathering of "family." I don't even know why it made me so unhappy. Except that was the reality. I made it through the preparations for it all, and I got through the evening and even enjoyed it once it was on, but I felt badly about my feelings going into it. I was just angry and resentful and unhappy.

Part of me wants to just stop writing. Part of me wants to pull away and not look at any of this anymore. We're slated for a public event in September. I'm sort of looking forward to it, but also completely sure that I cannot possibly cope with public play at this point.

I just don't feel good about me.

I cruise around the circle. I surf the net. I don't find anything that speaks to me. I don't find anything that helps me. I don't think there is anyone for me to talk to.

It is almost time for school to start again. In a very few weeks the routine will start up again. The summer will be over. Maybe that will be good. Something to focus on. I just don't know.

swan

Passages

I don't think I've ever talked about, or really, ever thought about the stages that I pass through in the process of a serious session.

I've engaged in dialog with people, over the years, about the phenomenon of "subspace." I know I've experienced what, for me, feels like "that place" upon occasion. It is an interesting sensation, or set of sensations. I don't reach it often; don't really strive for it, or even think about it much. I don't think either one of us considers it some kind of achievement. It happens when it happens. It doesn't particularly add anything to our experience, and, in fact, for Him, it may very well detract because I don't think He gets much "juice" out of beating me once I've gone to LaLa land.

But. That isn't really what I'm thinking about here. I'm really more aware, in the aftermath of yesterday, of the passages that I make -- transitions really, from level to level during our SM play. I've never consciously considered it before, and I've never seen anyone discuss it. Maybe nobody else progresses through distinct levels of processing. Maybe this is something that is just a quirk in the way I do this. For me, when I think about it, though, it is pretty consistent. So, for what it is worth, I'm going to see if I can define the pattern.

If things begin, as this last encounter did, with some input or initiatory move from me, then there is a beginning level that is a "ramping up" stage. In this phase, I am likely to fantasize about the possibilities, and imagine what might ensue and how I'll experience the event. That imagining and fantasizing, depending on how long it goes on, builds a level of tension, anticipation, and excitement for me. This is a stage that I often miss out on because I very seldom initiate our play. There are a couple of reasons for that. One of the reasons for that is that I know how intensely He plays, and so I am reluctant to "suggest" some things because I know that I cannot hope to keep up with Him. Too, I am unwilling to place Him in the role of "service Top." I simply hate the thought that my asking might place Him in the position of catering to my demands.

Once, things begin, we often enter into a period of time that is preparatory. For me, this part of the encounter feels breathless, and anticipatory, and usually very connective. I usually don't know what to expect from Him before things actually begin, and I am often in a very quiet mood, wanting to simply be close to Him so that I can follow His lead. I also tend to experience a wish to extend this phase -- to hold on to the security of being in His care. It is a bit like standing at the edge of the precipice, knowing that there is the inevitable jump just ahead.

Immeditately, as the actual physical part of the session begins, I hit a stage that feels intensely difficult (assuming we aren't doing some nice, soft, easy build up -- very uncommon for us). Most often for me, this is the stage where I have to cope with reactions including fear, panic, resistance, denial, and often an intense desire to back out or escape from the situation/agreement. It isn't uncommon for me to say things like, "Oh NO!" "I can't do this!" "Let me go!" I might ask, "Why are You doing this to me?" I've been known to beg Him to stop. I've tried to run. I am entirely sincere in my surprise and desire to make it stop at the beginning. It really doesn't matter how intensely I wanted it, or how dark my fantasy might have been; I am almost never prepared for the reality. What gets me through it is either serious restraint, or intensely applied Dominance that breaks through my control drives and makes it clear that I have no "choices" in the situation. However it goes, the outset of an intense session is seldom peaceful or smooth.

I will generally move fairly quickly from the fear and panic stage into an angry place. Once I am convinced that He won't listen to my pleas and won't succumb to my controlling manipulations, I'll get furious. This is the phase where I'll become utterly convinced that He is an evil bastard, an absolute asshole. This is the stage of the process where I begin to mutter to myself that, "as soon as I get free, I'm going to kill Him." And I absolutely mean it. The blood pounds and roars in my head. I begin to feel incredibly powerful and I'll start to growl and roar with every stroke. If I'm not restrained, I'll often pound my fists on whatever is handy (although I've never gotten crazy enough to actually go after Him). Sometimes I stay angry for a really long time. Other times, I pass through the anger very quickly.

And then the storm passes and I come into a place that feels soft. This is not subspace. I can still find that I have to work very hard to cope with the sensations, but I am no longer battling with Him or with myself. I find myself remembering that I love Him. I tend to need to hear His voice; to touch Him if I can. Once I soften, I feel things. If there have been emotional issues between us, or things that I've been worrying about, they'll come bubbling up and out of me. I'll talk to Him in this stage. I'll croon and cry and babble. This phase feels differently physically, too. My muscles let go. I stop fighting every blow. It becomes possible to take in the sensations more deeply. I am less shocked by the impacts. For me, this passage feels like coming home to the place where I live most truly. This is the place where I feel authentic and peaceful. It feels like I have made a successful journey.

There is almost always some sort of ending phase that is like coming up out of deep water. It is a resurfacing. For me, because our sessions end in a very specific and formalized pattern, I am "called back" to the here and now" with words and actions that connote the ending even if I am not entirely sensible. Those patterns help to ground me in the present, wherever I might be floating.

The complete cycle of passages is a transit that takes me into my deepest core and brings me back more whole and usually more settled and more sure. I find that if I go for very many weeks or months without making that journey, I start to wobble. I need to go into the fire and come back out again. I am lucky that I have a brave and loving partner who will walk that path with me, difficult as it may be, and stand as my guide and guardian at the gateways from passage to passage.

swan

Request Answered

I really ought to know better by now, than to ever assume that a sadist is too ill or too tired or too weak to rise to the occasion when I ASK to be beaten...

This falls into the "be careful (or at least really sure) of what you ask for" category.

And yes, I did all of the panicky, freaked out, angry, fussy "stuff" that is preliminary for me ahead of getting through an intense session like this. He simply did not let me get away, held me to the requirements that are in place between us always, and proceeded exactly as He would...

So.

Here I am.

Immediately after the fact. Developing. I went down and into the deepest of sleeps afterward. Just drifted off and away. Completely drained, spent, gone.

Thank you, Sir.

swan