It is getting harder and harder for me to stay here and write day after day.
I don't feel good about being in this place. I have fought the demons of doubt for a very long time, and I just cannot keep looking around and reading and knowing how little I have to say or share that matters or means anything. I am tired of sifting through the dust trying to find something -- anything to write.
I battle with my very difficult sort of masochism. I'm just no way as easy with this as so many people are, and I can't pretend otherwise. The immediacy of an impending session sends me as often as not, and however I manage to get through that, the simple fact of that is something that I have to know and admit and deal with. I cannot brag or boast or be proud of how much I can handle, because I don't handle any of it very well. I cry and hyperventilate and struggle just to try and stay where I'm supposed to -- IF I manage to do that much.
And I still end up needing it anyway. I'm a mess.
I get lonely. I get to feeling tired and overwhelmed and small. Yesterday, I spent most of the day in a "bent" place in the face of a gathering of "family." I don't even know why it made me so unhappy. Except that was the reality. I made it through the preparations for it all, and I got through the evening and even enjoyed it once it was on, but I felt badly about my feelings going into it. I was just angry and resentful and unhappy.
Part of me wants to just stop writing. Part of me wants to pull away and not look at any of this anymore. We're slated for a public event in September. I'm sort of looking forward to it, but also completely sure that I cannot possibly cope with public play at this point.
I just don't feel good about me.
I cruise around the circle. I surf the net. I don't find anything that speaks to me. I don't find anything that helps me. I don't think there is anyone for me to talk to.
It is almost time for school to start again. In a very few weeks the routine will start up again. The summer will be over. Maybe that will be good. Something to focus on. I just don't know.
swan
Swan, i think your blogs are great and make a lot of sense to a lot of people. I've had times when I've not felt like writing and times when I've not felt like playing either, but then thats because sometimes fantasies have to take a back seat to the realities of life, and then when it works again its great if not better than before.
ReplyDeleteWhen i've felt down having a patient and understanding partner has always helped and having people to talk to and who listen.
If you ever fancy a chat please feel free to give me a shout on yahoo.
hugs
x
Your personal pain comes through so clearly, I wish that I could just wave a magic wand and fix it all for you. I am sorry that you hurt so very much right now. What you share in this place is very valuable for a lot of us. I have no “calling” for the life that you have chosen, but I gain wisdom and strength by reading what you write each day. Reading you help me to feel less alone because what I read makes me realize that each of us is totally unique and because of that totally alone when it comes to where the action really is. No one else has the right to judge us, feel superior to us, to try and force their “right” on us. Ultimately we are a product of all that has happened to us, all our own thoughts and the experience that others have made available to us. And that determines how we will react, behave in any given moment.
ReplyDeletePlease be gentle with yourself right now. I suspect that you are also suffering from adrenal exhaustion following what you just went through with Tom. The fear, the fight or flight reaction, living on the edge for days as the three of you did, causes the adrenaline to come pouring out. After the crisis is over, there is a reaction in the body that causes a huge letdown. That is not the time to either be overly self-critical or to make drastic plans to change. Doing what you have done here, writing about it, leaving the choice for another time, is wise.
In the meantime, Swan, know that you, all of you, are in the loving thoughts and prayers of a number of us who follow your joys and triumphs along with your struggles. The joys and triumphs will return.
I continue to look in on you every day, even though I've withdrawn from much of cyberia these days. I empathise with so much of this, having got to the stage where not only do I no longer have the urge to write publicly but also not even to comment very much these days.
ReplyDeleteThere are reasons for that, which I'll write to you about. One of the things I realised this weekend, is that I've been very lax at staying in touch with those who touched my life through our journal exchanges. I intend to rectify that soon.
In the meantime, remember what you told me....about knowing what was right for you. I have no doubt you'll figure it out.
lots of love, and a big cuddle hon. xxx
I also find great value in your writings. I live a pretty "vanilla" life, but your struggles in your relationships and with your self are universal to me. We have much different lives, but many of the same thoughts and feelings. I guess we all feel "different" and alone... yet in many ways we are all the same. Humans with fragile emotions. I have no advice about your life situation, but please know this... you are not the only on who feels weary and insecure at times. I thank you for sharing your inner struggles. It helps me to face my own and to know that I am not alone. I hope you find some comfort from the words on this comment page. Wishing you peace.
ReplyDeleteI would miss your posts...so very tired to think of what to say.
ReplyDeleteBut I give you big hugs anyways...
And really in a weird way you are all very close to me...I know that is weird...
Hugs to you all anyways :)
Oh Swan...I am woefully behind in blog reading...I hope time as passed and you are feeling differently now. I just wanted to add that you are certainly one of my favorite writers. You blog, when happy, sad, angry...your blog is real...and even when you feel you have nothing to say, you still reveal your lovely soul to us....You are a gift. I wish I had a big magical mirror to hold up so you could see yourself as we do.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Tangerine