The Consent/Control Paradox

Recently it seems that we have been awash in friends and Internet contacts who are wrestling with struggles about consent vs. control within BDSM, or DD, or adult consensual spanking relationships ( or M/s, D/s, or..............et al.)

They wrestle with how much control they should exert (or have exerted) in all aspects of life and particularly in areas of corporal discipline styles and D/s (DD) lifestyle philosophies in that they must be "consensual."

A key concept in the power exchange dynamic (the dynamic that is central to all sorts of D/s relatedness with whatever sort of label is placed upon its underlying philosophy) is that if you consent to give over control and retain the option of withdrawing that consent, then you are the one in control of your relationship. If you do this it is in fact the Top (HOH) who is submissive in the relationship and you have not ceded control at all.

Often these conundrums emanate from an etiology like this. One relationship partner (often the woman, but not always) expresses a deep seated need for some sort of discipline dynamic in their life and asks her partner to undertake to discipline or Dominate her. They begin to practice adult consensual erotic and/or disciplinary spanking or other related D/s practices. As they evolve into their new lifestyle enhancement either the Dominant or HOH or Leader in the relationship does this in a fashion that is not the way the bottom partner feels he or she needs to fulfill the needs that have lead her to this new relationship dynamic. There are a plethora of "typical" complaints: He's not consistent enough; He's not strict enough; He's not severe enough; He's too severe; He's enjoying it too much and I don't want our pure asexual disciplinary practice to become "erotic" (oh horrors:); He doesn't take it seriously enough; He's "gone mad" and thinks he can "run my life" beyond our agreed to "list of rules"; He's not really Dominant (unless I tell him to be); He's far too Dominant; etc.

Inherent to these discussions is the bottom partners' precipitating the power exchange by requesting and consenting to submitting to the authority of the Top partner to "take charge" or "lead" or be "head of household", etc., it is incumbent upon them to SUBMIT. If, for example, your new HOH decides to take the relationship into realms that might be described as BDSM and you define your orientation as DD, then it is your role to follow. If He decides to not discipline you for an infraction then he has not failed you. He has, in fact, used his judgement to exercise the authority that you granted him. If He requires you to go out and cut 18 switches, bind them into birch rods, and then gives you the licking of your life, that is his judgement reliant on your original consent and request (and I bet you don't repeat the precipitating behavior again anytime soon.)

If you are to withdraw consent then you withdraw consent for the Top to be Top at all. Consenting to a disciplinary or D/s relationship and then piece mealy selecting which particular types of control or disciplinary practices you will then consent to, is inherently self-defeating and is usually very damaging to relationships.

It has been our experience (all three of us) that it is rare for previously vanilla relationships to successfully evolve into mutually satisfactory and enhancing D/s relationships. I think it is the failure to successfully negotiate this paradoxical dynamic that leads to these failures.

Here I am in control. I exercise that control as I choose and judge to be appropriate for us all. There is no withdrawing consent (not more than once) nor is there any sort of disrespectful back talk or push back. (Well there could be but typically that is not an option that is chosen more than once after experiencing the consequences of that mistake.) I am not over bearing. Actually many would I think be quite surprised how empowering and laissez faire I am in my control style. Whether we are talking about my M/s with swan, my D/s with t, or simply a much more limited and casual Top/bottom disciplinary spanking relationship with a friend, once I am granted control I lead and the bottom follows. If consent is withdrawn then the relationship ends (at least as far as any sort of D/s, DD, etc. dynamic.)

There is a concept in management that is notoriously noted for leading to organizational dysfunction and failure. It is delegating responsibility to achieve outcomes without simultaneously granting the requisite authority to achieve them. Worse yet is to grant that authority and then randomly withdraw it and then restore it as occurs in micro-management. Those who ask a Top partner to achieve the benefits of Dominance or Discipline for them both and then withdrawal that authority eclectically are unfortunately making this mistake and they and their relationship can be harmed greatly in the process.

If you are a Top partner in a D/s or DD dynamic and you encounter this problem, tell your partner to stop, you are in control and it is her (or his) role to follow. If he or she is not willing to follow you then end the D/s or DD dynamic. You were never given control in the first place and you are living out a fallacy within which it is impossible for you to succeed. If you are a bottom partner respect the authority of your Top and do not withdraw it unless you decide that you do not have a partner with whom you can be fulfilled in your need for submission, discipline, etc. Then, of course, you will need to determine what you will do about fulfilling your need to submit or be disciplined.

I hope explanation of relationship dynamics that are evident to us from our lifestyle experience can be helpful to some others. As always, the only "right" way for you to live your life is exactly as you and your partner choose, and no one has a right to judge your life based upon their opinion of your life's "correctness."


All the best:)

Tom

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.