Trust -- What is it Really? (edit)

Some of what “we” are dealing with these days touches on trust -- not all of it, but some.  I’ve written some about trust over the years.  I don’t know many submissive types who have not done that.  Long ago, at The Swan’s Heart blog, I asked:

Is trust something that is felt, or something that is done? Is it passive, or active?   A given, or a choice?

I am interested in trust as a practice one engages in moreso than I am in something that can be broken or damaged (as we are inclined to speak of trust). I don't worry that someone might break my "meditation" practice for instance. I want to know if I could get skilled enough in my practice of trust, that it would be that solid...

Now, that we are come to the place we are come to, I realize that it isn’t just about me trusting Him.  It is about Him trusting me – and He does not.  Trust me.  Or anyone much.  That is very difficult.  It hurts.  I dearly wish that I could make that go away -- and I know that it will take time to heal; if, in fact, it ever does heal at all.  In the meantime, I find myself wondering what there is to know about trust that might be helpful to me or to Him or to us in general.

There are a number of different ways to describe or define trust:
1)  Trust means being able to predict what other people will do and what situations will occur.
As humans, we are naturally inclined to try to forecast what is coming at us from the mists of the yet to be future.  We seem to instinctively try to guess what will happen next. Trust, in this sense, is about predictability.  If we can predict, then we can prepare for possible threats, and also make plans to achieve our longer-term goals.

2)  Trust requires us to enter into an intimate exchange agreement, which may not be clearly defined, with someone we cannot know fully.   This "exchange" is the essential impetus behind most relationships.  It is the living and acting out of the "golden rule;" wherein we are admonished to do unto others as we would want them to do with us.  At its simplest, it is exchange of goods -- I'll trade you these bushels of grain for those chickens. Of course, there are many relational exchanges that are far more complicated and much less tangible.  A parent exchanges attention for obedience.  A business exchanges financial rewards for the efforts put forth by its employees.  It all works because we each value things differently.  Reciprocal exchange can bind us together.  The really neat thing about trust in exchange dynamics is that it is possible for something of value to be given by one party, even if the "payback" will be delayed -- for an hour, or a day, or a decade...  It allows for a wider range of flexibility and creativity when we do not have to continually calculate our capacity to "pay for" what we want or need in a relationship.

3) Trust means that we may be exposing ourselves in a way that allows for the possibility that the other could take advantage of our vulnerabilities -- but expecting that they will not do this.  Whatever safeguards we might try to build into our relationships, we cannot truly protect ourselves here.  Vulnerability is unequivocal.  If I allow my love close enough to learn how I can be hurt, I am at His mercy.  If my trust turns out to be misplaced, there is very little recourse.  I will be hurt.  That is the simple fact.  Knowing that, I trust with my partner that no such awfulness will actually come about.  

Liz Strauss at Successful Blog offers this with regard to trust:

Trust is a decision, a commitment, a pact and a bond that builds and connects. Trust is shared values. Trust empowers by the questions it removes.

Trust is brave and vulnerable. Trust is not sparing my feelings. Trust is the hard truth spoken gently.

Trust is knowing and believing, giving and receiving without hesitation. Trust is not wondering whether what I say is true, whether I will follow through, whether my thoughts and feelings will change when I’m talking to someone other. Trust is knowing you are safely invested and protected.

We can lose it before we have it or find it where we least expect it. Trust can be given, but not invented, stolen, or demanded.

Trust is a delicate sculpture we build through relationship, communication, thoughts, and behaviors. Once it’s shattered we can’t glue it back together. The only replacement is remaking the sculpture. Like wellness, generosity, or kindness, we’re most reminded of its value when it’s gone.

In the end trust is knowing you are the same when I’m not there … Trust is keeping promises, even the unspoken promises. 

That's a lot; a lot to ask and a lot to expect.  I think the really surprising thought, for me, in all of that is the collaborative nature of creating trust.  Inside of relationships like ours, we ought not to think that we have "trust in" or "trust for" our partner.  Rather, it is more accurate and more descriptive to contemplate that we build trust with a partner.  In a trusting relationship we sometimes lead and then, at other times, lean on each other -- and in either case, the outcome may not be clear.  Trust is really a gamble. 

In my earlier questioning about whether trust is a feeling or an action, there is the beginning of my understanding that it is really both things.  At an emotional level, to trust is to expose your vulnerabilities to another person believing they will not take advantage of you in your openness. Simultaneously, there is a logical deciding that moves us forward into creating a trusting bond with a partner.  When we assess the risks and calculate the potential advantages of believing in this person, we do so based on our experiences -- either with them or with the situation.  We choose to act with another in a ground of trust precisely because we have experienced trustworthiness and we have some level of faith in the consistent, loyal, intent and integrity that we know.

When we choose to build trust with a partner in a relationship, we give ourselves the chance to experience a whole range of feelings and emotions including companionship, friendship, love, comfort, safety, and peace of mind.  It is good to know that your mate has your back.  Conversely, when we are unable to make that choice to trust, for whatever reason, we preclude those warm and fuzzy, trusting feelings, and live instead in a state of fear, suspicion, vigilance, wariness, and loneliness.

Personally, I am tired of living in fear and loneliness.  I have wondered, through much of this last year and a half, how it could ever be possible for me to relax and let down my guard again given all that has occurred.  Particularly now, as we approach the end of formal alcohol rehab and compulsory AA attendance, I know that there is the potential for alcohol use to be reintroduced into our reality.  I cannot control that decision process; do not want to try to control it.  I do, however, intend to reserve the power to be safe in the event.  I can feel trusting and choose to let that feeling be the primary structural support of my, and our, relationship. That feels logical and rational to me, because it is consistent with what I want for myself; because it is true about who I am.  It may seem contradictory, but I am becoming comfortable with the notion that I can trust Him; love Him; exchange power with Him; all while knowing that, should it ever again be necessary, I will run away and hide until it is once again safe to come home.

Too, I think I need to be a lot less thin skinned.  He has still so much of the story that He needs to tell; He has so many feelings bundled and tangled up inside of Him; He feels compelled to list and count and revisit the various awful events of this passage.  I find it very difficult to simply listen to all of the things He says -- to hear what He believes laid out so starkly in opposition to my own experience of those same events.  I know, intellectually, that He is working things out for himself as He does all of the counting and re-counting and listing and telling.  What I hear, however, is blame -- and what I feel is frustration for the "aw shit" moment that wiped out all the good, perfect, fine and loving years that went before while simultaneously eliminating the hope that any good thing  could arise for us in the future.  I must trust Him to tell me the hard truths, and believe that He will do that as gently as He can.  Choosing to trust in that way might help me, and perhaps the act of compassionate listening on my part can help Him heal.

Someday, I want to be the one to whom His trust is given.  I wish that day were now, but I understand that I cannot require that giving.  I love Him, and I respect Him, and I will not try to trick Him into promising trust -- that would be akin to trying to steal it.  If or when it becomes possible for He and I to create a structure of trust between us, the work will be something we can both take on with willing hearts.  Too, I understand that He cannot "invent" trust that He does not feel or experience in His own heart.  Someday, maybe those feelings will arise organically and naturally from our shared daily lives.  That is what I want more than anything.

Our trust "sculpture" has absolutely been shattered.  We cling to the love we share, and I hope that love is sufficient to carry us along as we remake the sculpture.  We love in ways that are, I believe, remarkable.  With all our failings (stubbornness, arrogance, and all the rest), we are passionately in love.  We have battled and raged.  We have worn each other out.  We have wrestled with our own host of personal demons -- and mostly won the day.  Sometimes, when we simply have nothing left, we've fallen together and held on for dear life.  We are working to heal, and we will build something new.  What is gone is gone -- and I miss it terribly.  What is yet to be remains invisible from here.  I guess there is really nothing left to do but to "trudge the path of happy destiny" (as He insists on characterizing this whole ordeal).  That does not sound like a lot of fun, but whatever lies ahead of us on this road, I want to arrive there in time -- and I want Him there beside me when that happens.

Sue

P.S. -- A friend shared this link with me.  I think it adds to the conversation (or at least to my thinking):
http://acesonsl.blogspot.com/2012/02/trust-misunderstood.html