Marriage Equality

Last week, as the Supreme Court heard arguments on California's proposition 8 and the federal Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), the modified, red marriage equality logo went viral on social media.  An amazing number of people turned my Facebook feed red, expressing their support for the idea that people ought to be able to marry and form families without facing discrimination.  

Of course, predictably, the advocates for fairness and gender neutrality with regard to marriage rights wanted nothing to do with arguments for the same fairness for those of us who are denied the right to marry based on the number of our loves.  

I am thrilled that there may be a day in the not very distant future when LGBTQ people will be able to marry; to enjoy all the same rights and benefits as heterosexuals do.  I am distressed that those same LGBTQ folks are willing to throw those of us who love in multiples "under the bus."  I understand the "slippery slope" argument that has been used for years and years to derail the fight for equal access to marriage, but I cannot understand why those who have had to fight that battle would leave others behind rather than confront the fallacy of that "slippery slope" logic.

Even harder to comprehend is the view among some in the poly community that "we" don't actually want the right to marry anyway.  They reason that since poly is about changing and challenging the social norms, there is no need for us to choose to marry; to accept the views of society about how intimate relationships might be structured.  I can follow the argument, and I'll grant that to those who feel that way, but they do not speak for me.  

I would marry if I could.  I would be glad for the legal status and the legal protections.  I would be happy to stand in the public eye and be able to openly claim my life and my loves without having to fear the potential for legal consequences along with the loss of my livelihood.  I doubt that will ever happen in my lifetime.  There is too much embedded cultural bias.  Too much cultural momentum to ever be turned around.  

There will be legalized same-sex marriage throughout this country.  It is coming, and the change may happen soon.  But it will remain an institution reserved to "one" and "one."

swan

Signs of Spring

April 1, yesterday, was the opening day for The Cone.

Yes.  THE CONE.

The Cone is a long-standing local business that specializes in soft-serve ice cream and frozen yogurt.  There is a fat-free, sugar-free, vanilla frozen yogurt that works great for Master and for T.  I can't eat it because it is sweetened with aspartame, but I love their swirled chocolate/vanilla "zebra" cones.

During the season, we are regular patrons of The Cone.  It is a small treat that we enjoy, and there is just some sort of funky community feel to visiting the place that we get a kick out of.  But The Cone is a seasonal venture, and around the end of October, it closes for the winter.  We go through sudden withdrawal.  We've scoped out the area, and there are just no substitutes for The Cone.  It is what it is, and we are all hooked.

The good news is that The Cone is open again, and not only that, but yesterday, between 4 and 7 PM they were having a special -- buy two get one free!  A triad special!  Really!  That is something that NEVER happens.  NEVER.  Specials are always two for the price of one, tailored to our paired up society.  So a buy two get one deal seemed like a message to us from the universe -- "Get in the car and go to The Cone right now!"  Between the message from the universe, and T's Edith Ann pouty face, we had no choice but to pack up after dinner and make a field trip.  So, we have had our first fix of summer goodness from The Cone; spring is upon us; and life seems better and brighter. 

swan

Straight

In a couple of weeks, we'll be taking part in one of the bigger gay pride events in our area.  It will be the third year that we've ridden in the parade, and it is always a great time...  For us, it is one more opportunity to be immersed in the alternative side of our society, to support those who are commonly marginalized by our society, and to declare in some small way our own dreams and hopes for the way the world might someday come to be.

Still, there is an interesting twist to the day for us.  It puts us into a situation where many, many people just assume, looking at the three of us, that T and I are somehow lesbian, or at the very least, bisexual.  We find ourselves feeling it almost necessary to declare the "who" of what we are, and for some reason, that declaration almost always shows up as a negative rather than a positive. 

It isn't sufficient to simply say that we are "heterosexual."  People tend to assume that we are lying or in denial when we say that.  After all, we are self-identified poly people, and everyone knows that to be "truly" poly, people have to be bi -- or at least bi-curious.  How can the three of us, and especially the two of us (T and I) be straight???  How!??!?  After all, bisexuality is the new black; everybody is doing it.  T and I might be the only two purely and avowed straight women in America.

It gets back to the ongoing argument about whether one can have a poly relationship that is not overtly sexual.  We say, "yes," but we tend to find ourselves in a distinct minority.  Ahhhh, well.  We are what we are, and that is heterosexual.  Not bisexual, and not bi-curious.

We'll be there at the parade in a couple of weeks, marching for the rights of all adult people to be exactly who they are, and to love exactly as they choose.  That would include even us -- poor, mis-guided heterosexual and poly types.

swan

Fantasies Are Not Bad

Fantasies are not bad things. In fact, fantasies can be good. Those bits of mental imagery that so fire our hearts, minds, and bodies are capable of enlivening and invigorating our sexual responses. For many of us, living inside of BDSM relationships, fantasy is the stuff that we use to drive our connections forward.


It is, however, important to know where the edges are. The thing about fantasy is that it is not limited by practical or physical reality. We can imagine all sorts of interactions that may seem incredibly hot, and have no relationship to anything that can or should ever happen in the real world.


So, it is not uncommon for women to have vivid rape fantasies -- which do not even remotely resemble the reality of violent rape. Dominance fantasies are among the most common fantasies for women, and in those fantasies, women most frequently are the top partner. Many of us indulge in fantasy role plays: school girl, interrogation, sexy nurse... lots and lots of costume dramas. Commonly, women report fantasies about sex with a stranger -- involving them or involving their partners, and many of us have voyeuristic fantasies. The realm of sexual fantasy is a rich and fertile source of sexual excitement and pleasure.


There's one element that is common to every single sexual fantasy, though, and it is important to understand this -- we are in absolute control of our fantasies. We do the casting, the set design, the scripting. We call the shots, and we decide when and how we will engage and participate in the various scenes that we play out on the internal screens of our minds.


So, I think I absolutely understand the sort of excitement that may be a driving force when someone talks the way kaya did about her fantasy that her Master engage sexually with another woman. There's a great masochistic flavor to her vividly drawn imaginary scene where she is confronted with the potential for Him to connect with another woman who is better...

So here’s something that I had totally dismissed as being worth blogging about:
Master left yesterday for a short business trip. The first thing I asked him was if he’s going to fuck/use another woman.
He shrugged. Said he didn’t know. Said maybe. Said it would depend. I told him he should. In fact, I practically begged him to.
Encouraged it.
He’s never done it. Never. Oh, to play with another, yes. But fucking? Nope.
When he talks about it, he talks too much about my feelings. He wants me involved, he wants me there, he wants me to not feel cheated on. He thinks something like that should be a joint activity.
This frustrates me.
He’ll talk about threesomes, things like that, and I just shake my head. I don’t WANT to have a threesome (well. I mean, I DO. And I would. But that’s a separate thang.) What I want is to be at home while he’s off fucking another woman. Or to be in the room, but not allowed to participate while he fucks/uses another woman in front of me.
I want my face rubbed in it. I want to cry about it. I want to hurt about it. I want to wonder if she was better than me- No. I want him to tell me she was better than me. I want to be compared, and found lacking, even if it isn’t true.
We have these repeated conversations, pretty much every time he takes off on a trip. He keeps saying that he doesn’t want or need another. That he’s content with me, that I take care of his needs, blah blah blah. And I keep saying that it isn’t ABOUT that (and think that maybe I should stop taking such good care of his needs if’n I’m ever gonna get my way. But *smack my hand* them’s bad girl thoughts, dontchaknow.)
Finally he was like, wtf is your deal? Why do you push this all the time?
So. You know why? I’ll tell you why.
It’s not just about emotional masochism, though I’m sure that factors in.
It’s because I want to… I NEED to… have this prideful contentment erased. Scrubbed out. Obliterated.
I want to feel less secure in my slavery. I want to experience jealousy and fear.
I want to be reminded that I don’t own him.
Plus, you know, it’s perverted as all fuck.

Yeah. Fantasy. A number of her commenters said, "Be careful what you ask for," and that is good advice -- because real life relationships are not as easily controlled or scripted or well mannered as our imaginings might make it seem. We tend, in this poly-fascinated world, to believe that there is no real reason for relational jealousy or insecurity, but that is just not the reality. People do get hurt emotionally when there are "extraneous" relationships -- not every time. Not all the time. But it isn't unheard of; not even uncommon.

So... In real life, the mystery woman that plays that part in the "hot" fantasy, just might not behave "properly" in the event:

IF your partner decides to take on another relationship, that relationship will have its own life, its own parameters, its own boundaries and values.
That other woman that you create in your imaginings isn't real, but if what you imagine comes to pass, it will be with a real, flesh and blood human person.
SHE will have her own feelings, her own wants and needs, her own ideas, her own agenda -- and you will have no control over any of that.
SHE will not follow your script.
SHE may or may not come to know who you are.
SHE may or may not care about you, and you may or may not like her.
SHE may or may not value or honor your situation, station, or role.
SHE doesn't have to.
SHE will occupy space and SHE will soak up energy and time.
The time will come when SHE likely will be in your home, sitting on your furniture, sleeping on your sheets, using your towels, toiletries, toys.
SHE will not be put away when you are tired of your fantasy.
SHE will be back tomorrow and next week and next month. And if not her, then someone else.
In all liklihood, SHE won't contribute anything much to your world. The chores, the bills, the worries, those will all still be yours.
SHE will come and go on a schedule that has no time for the boring details of real life.
What you work to create and provide, SHE will just take as her right.
SHE will be around for the goodies.

Fantasy and reality are the two halves of our emotional, sexual lives. We who claim the label of masochist are sometimes prone to a sort of bravura that can lead us into damaging and destructive choices. We know that is a risk to those who are new, unattached, and hungry, but what about those who are "into" established dynamics? Is it possible for us to talk ourselves into places that are simply not healthy. There are people who create good and positive poly relationships, but that isn't what this is about. This is about generating extra relational dynamics that are designed to be hurtful and painful. I'd say that's an OK fantasy, but a really bad idea when it comes to real life.

swan

Our Family Sticker

I found this link at Lord Spooner's Blog.

Like those stickers you see in the windows of some people's cars.

Only this one sits right here on our Blog.

How kewl is that?

swan

Create your own family sticker graphic at pYzam.com

You are My Slave

We've talked (He and I), more than once, about the dilemmas presented when there is "love" included in the BDSM equation.

As "things" have evolved between us in the last couple of years, and the intensity of our "play" has shifted, He has spoken of the conversation that He engages in within His own mind about wanting to fulfill His sadistic desires while, simultaneously, being reluctant to hurt me... He is genuinely torn. I suspect that He is not the first Dominant to find walking that path confusing at best.

As for me, the reality of my slavery is generally pretty lightly held in our world. There are no set protocols. Life is pretty fluid. It has been fairly easy for me to slip into believing that because He loves me as my Master, that is the same thing as being "in love" with me in a romantic sense.

The truth is that our relationship lives on two levels, but the core of who we are is always going to be rooted in the fact that He is "Master," and I am "slave." It is important that I not forget that reality, if this realtionship is going to proceed smoothly and calmly along the path that is best for the two of us.

Forgetting put us at odds with each other this last weekend. It was not a happy time in the House of Heron.

Most of the regular readers here know that I struggle with the "poly-ness" which is Master's natural bent. His desire and preference is to have multitudes of play partners, and He actively seeks those people out. There is no shortage of "fodder" in that arena. In the "vanilla" poly world (is there such a thing?), there are all sorts of rules and understandings and pretty little platitudes. People talk about honesty and keeping partners "on the same page" and all kinds of sort of "equal opportunity" stuff. But that's vanilla poly.

We aren't vanilla poly.

He trolls, and He links up, and He makes His arrangements how and as He will, and He doesn't feel any particular need or requirement to share any of that with me. Why should He? I am the slave. That's His view. Makes absolute sense to Him.

They show up in the stat counts, because He sends them here. I can see them. And He gets all excited and "weird" sounding with me. So I "know" about them. Except I don't. And if I ask, He tells me "not happening." And I get crazy, because I can't tell what is real and what isn't.

Pisses me off.

Except that He has made it clear: "You are my slave. I am the Master. I will communicate with whomever I please -- spank whomever I please. Whenever, however, wherever I choose. You will behave, in that context, exactly as I tell you to behave. You will not practice emotional blackmail. You are mine." Backed up words and commands with the kind of impact that He believes drives His message home.

So.

I will be backing up. Backing off. Learning this anew or again or whatever. It isn't about what I want or what I like or how I feel. It is about Him. Message received.

Slave. Leave the emotional "stuff" at the door. Obey and serve. There will always be a place within Master's love for that slave. Without that, He will only be bewildered at what it is that I think I am doing here...

swan

Place

Mel suggested "Perhaps a post on just the way you understand your place in the life,(your family's dynamic)"

That's a daunting bit of writing, actually. My "place" in the life and our family's dynamic is something that I tend to keep gently held and private to a great degree.

Part of it is that I want to protect myself. I've suffered from perceived judgement before -- here and in other fora. It is hard to not take it personally. Too, I want to protect my family. I know how easy it is for things written here to get misinterpreted, or misread, and then things get said (and sometimes not said) that are hurtful and mean and just plain damaging to the hearts of the folks I love and care about. A larger truth is that there are details about how we are with each other inside our relationships that we don't necessarily share with one another. We take great care to be very, very gentle with each other's sensibilities and feelings, and being "poly" doesn't mean that we don't find it valuable to sometimes interact privately as the "couples" that exist inside our triad.

I also suffer, at some level, from the "Velveteen Rabbit" syndrome -- I am not entirely convinced that I am really real. That is especially true when I put my brand of slavery up against the sometimes "lurid" accounts that fly across my screen day after day after day. It isn't even close. No point in even trying; might as well cash it in and go stand in the "wannabe" line because whatever I'm doing, it doesn't look like the "real" stories that I read.



So, this kind of self-revelation makes my stomach twist.



My place.



I'm His slave. I belong to Him. My mind, my heart, my body, my emotions, my work, my energies, my attention, my life -- all of it belongs to Him. That is a simple statement that encompasses a set of layered realities. In principle, what passes between the two of us, is not about me. He has no obligation at all to act or choose in ways that make me happy or answer to my desires in any particular moment. As a practical matter, He does care for me and love me, so He attends to my health, my emotional state, and my feelings. That doesn't mean that I always get what I want (although that happens more than some might think is appropriate, given my status).



That's kind of a general statement of "theory." Making it REAL for those peering into our lives from outside feels challenging. I think that when I say to people that I am a "slave," most imagine some sort of image that is drawn from the fairy tale realms of harem literature or the even more lurid porn industry fantasies. I know that, when I was living in my long, long, repressive vanilla marriage, harboring my own masturbatory dreams, these were the secret images that fired my imagination -- because, the fact was that I had no reality to dream about or think about. Whatever, I know that beginning with a statement that I am "slave" sets up images for people that my reality doesn't match.


My place is focused on Him. It begins with His life and His needs. The reality of that can be terribly difficult sometimes. Here lately (and "lately" might be loosely defined as the last couple of years or so), His life has felt like it has been lived on a high speed treadmill from which there is no escape. The demands are seemingly endless, and they feel like they are coming from every direction at once. His working situation just keeps getting more and more demanding and slippery and bizzare. His aging parents' needs escalate day by day (and it is often scary). We've got a good friend who is slipping away in hospice care -- today or tomorrow or maybe next week. His adult children have their own things going on, but they are making the transitions into nascent "adult-style" relationships with Him -- a really neat thing, but also time intensive. He has his own health issues, too. Things are better now than they were some months ago, but with each passing month and year, the battle to maintain good health gets tougher. He's powerful. He's strong. He's bright. He is also human and there are limits to what one person can carry on their shoulders. Sometimes He gets tired. Occasionally, He gets downright grumpy. Now and then, He is simply overwhelmed -- to the point of tears. He needs to be held, to be rubbed, to be comforted, to be supported.


Does that mean that I don't have times when I "want?" Not at all. Last weekend, schedules conspired to keep us from being able to have any but the briefest of sexual contact -- and no SM play at all. We were simply running the whole time -- in a half dozen different directions. Even as my own sexual desires begin to come back around and wake back up, life seems to be keeping us from going down that path. It is frustrating to me, certainly, and (I am sure) to Him as well. Those are risky places for a strong willed slave -- keeping track of where your heart and mind and emotions belong in those moments is trickier than it is under less stressful conditions. Earlier this week, I asked Him (partly jokingly) if there might be sometime soon when He could fit me in on His calendar. It was my way of letting Him know that I understand His pressures, and that I don't want to add to that, but that it is important for me to make sure He knows that I am hungry for His touch. Slaving means knowing that it is not about "me." So that hunger will wait. I am confident that, when the time comes around again, He will come back to me in that way.


As for how our "family" works -- we are three. Committed adults, living and loving together. Technically and legally, Master and T are husband and wife. I am "loved" but without legal status. Master's mother, in her occasional lucid moments, worries about the "nice neighbor lady" -- that's how we usually present to the family and the outside world. She muses that I seem nice and not unattractive, so she cannot imagine that I haven't found a man...


T and I are often (almost literally) of one mind, and we work to take care of our Man. Sometimes the connection between the two of us scares Him -- and there are times when I know He feels like we gang up on Him... We joke that "it takes a village" to raise a Dominant. We know that, between the two of us, we can make things happen for Him. I know, too, that my sister-heart loves me, cares for me, worries for me. Having her in my life is a gift that I can never "repay."


The daily stuff, the routines, the patterns, the logistics? Does anyone really care? Do you really want to know who does the dishes, who washes the socks, who shops for the potatoes, who scrubs the toilets? You can ask if you really care. On the next level up from all of that, we manage to pay our bills, find our necessary documents, keep track of our various schedules, make it to all the doctor appointments and stuff. We don't usually feel stepped on or jealous, although we DO have to stay aware and pay attention. We all have feelings and moods and needs. We are sensitive to one another as much as we can be. We try to make spaces for one another and for the pairs that are part of our triad. We've learned to acknowlege that our distinct pairings need things done differently and at different times and in different ways. We work hard to accommodate and respect and value that.


That does not mean that we have achieved poly "nirvana." There are still bumpy places. When life gets intense, when energies get stretched, when the stresses begin to wear on one or all of us, we all find the places where we rub around the edges. We all have our tender places, the things we need and want, and the places where there simply isn't enough to go around. Mostly, we pick up the slack for each other, try to be there for one another, try to give each other room to do whatever is needed when it is needed. We continue to talk about what we have to share or "teach" about doing poly, but honestly, I'm not sure that telling others how to do this is where we are just now -- or that anyone cares.

swan