Inappropriate, rude, and disrespectful

When comments are made on any of our blogs, they are automatically emailed straight to Master. Sometimes it turns out that someone will comment on an older post, and given the way blogs tend to work, if He didn't get those email alerts, we'd never see those comments at all... After all, who goes cruising back through all those weeks and months and years looking for the random late appearing comment?



Today, interestingly, there were two comments on posts from "awhile back." Both comments were by the same person -- someone who goes by the nick "sixofthebest." I am about 95% certain that whoever this critter is, I'm probably not the only one to be treated to his less than savory attentions. I have this feeling that there are dozens, or maybe even hundreds of bloggers who have been approached even as I was...

• sixofthebest has left a new comment on your post "New Cane": Dear Swan, I would love to flog you, while you are on the 'whipping post'. Yes 'twelve of the best', with the pliable stinging cane, would be just perfect for that voluptous bare bottom of yours. Don't you agree?


• sixofthebest has left a new comment on your post "Buy Me Some Peanuts and Cracker Jacks...": Dear Swan, I am a Yankee fan, living just 15 minutes from Yankee Stadium. And since the Yankee's won the World Series, I would love to celebrate this occasion, by taking you over my knee, and bare your bottom, so that I can spank your voluptous 'derriere', thats French for bottom, painfully red.

My first reaction to that silliness is, "ewwwwwwwww!" Then, I wondered, how someone "in the scene" could be so totally clueless about simple matters of protocol and courtesy -- things like not messing with someone else's property, just for starters.

But... cluelessness is where you find it. So, let me try to lay this out for sixofthebest and anyone else of that ilk:

1) If you do not want to come off as a total idiot, it would pay you to read what is clearly stated, and made obvious to the most casual passer-by here at TheHeronClan -- I am the slave of Raheretic; His property; owned. Should you decide that you somehow want to have more than a conversational interaction with me, common courtesy dictates that you speak with my Master. Approaching me with suggestive talk is inappropriate, rude, and disrespectful.

2) In spite of the fact that I engage in alternative sexual practices, and in spite of the fact that our polyamorous lifestyle does not match up with the current social norms, I am a human being -- not simply some piece of meat or wisp of your overheated fantasizing. I have feelings. I have a mind. I have boundaries. For you to behave as if none of that is true is inappropriate, rude, and disrespectful.

3) Besides living the role of slave in a power exchange relationship, my sexual/erotic orientation is to sadomasochism, and I fall on the masochistic side of the continuum. Notice -- this is my sexual/erotic way of being in the world. It is not some silly game to me. It is not something I play at. If you talk about spanking me, then you are talking about sex. Opening a conversation with "how about I spank/cane/whip/fill-in-the-blank you?" is JUST THE SAME as if you walked up to me out of the clear blue and said, "hey, let's fuck." It is as if some totally strange fellow accosted your daughter with "hey, show me your tits," or grabbed your mother's crotch, or waved his dick at your wife. It is inappropriate, rude, and disrespectful. Not to mention probably illegal.

4) I like conversation. I think that relationships get built through the medium of conversation. I insist that conversations begin in a civilized fashion -- "hello" and "let me introduce myself" and "I'd like to get to know you better" are all entirely acceptable. Assuming that I have any interest in a sexual or erotic encounter with someone who I know nothing about is just too stupid to even believe -- oh yeah, it is also (obviously) inappropriate, rude, and disrespectful.

5) And speaking of stupid... If you use some word in your writing that you believe no one but you will understand; if you write so obscurely that you are convinced you have to explain your meaning; then you are a remarkably poor communicator. On top of that, your assumption that I am too ignorant to understand you is insulting. Get off your high horse! I'd imagine that there are plenty of people writing blogs that have more extensive and sophisticated vocabularies and language fluency than you do. Based on what I can see of your writing, I know I am in that number. Once again, your approach is inappropriate, rude, and disrespectful.

6) Basically, mind your manners. Failure to do that marks you as a wannabe or even the universally derided HNG (horny net geek). It is unattractive and unappealing, not to mention inappropriate, rude, and disrespectful.

swan

Using Titles

Melissa sent me an email to ask this question:

i commented on your blog about your "yes sir" post... it got me to thinking about titles. the titles many of us use in D/s. you know, master, sir, daddy, boss, etc. etc. i wondered if you have anything to say on the subject of titles. what they mean....their mportantance in this context...in respect to both doms and subs. those kinds of questions. i realize that this of course is subjective. but i would be very interested in hearing your take on it. i think what i'm really asking about is RESPECT. it's role in these relationships and the necessity of expressing it, by our actions of course, but also in our speech.

I don't get that much email, and I seldom get questions. I don't know that I've ever really thought about it before this. I'm no expert or authority. I write mostly about my life and my feelings. There are plenty of people in the lifestyle who have way more experience and background than I do... Consider all of that to be my disclaimer. What you will read here will be my ideas and views and beliefs -- take it for exactly what it is worth.

There is a great deal of weight given to the use of "honorifics" in the lifestyle. Whatever labels people attach to their status, for many, it matters at some level. In "our" community's history (in the days of the Old Guard), titles were laden with very precise and specific significance -- and they were EARNED. That is still true in some places and in some contexts. So there is a somewhat formal and accepted set of protocols, in some quarters, for the use of scene / lifestyle honorifics.

I believe that the use of titles falls into the much wider category of behavior that is defined by basic courtesy and politeness. I say, "please," and "thank you." I hold doors for total strangers, and I let people in front of me on the highway. Even in my classroom, I tend to address students and "Miss," and "Mister," or "Sir," and "Ma'am." It is simply a very deeply ingrained part of my upbringing, and I have never found that being kind and courteous has ever made any interaction less cordial. That is just a general approach to life for me -- and was before I ever got "into" this lifestyle.

In our household, we do not put much weight on titles. We are not very rigid in our use of titles when we are with each other. Here, at home, things tend to shift depending on the situation, like this:

• I tend, when writing here -- because it is PUBLIC, to refer to Himself as "Master." It is, for me, about being respectful, and the use of the title in this fora gives me the ability to talk about Him without plastering His given name all over the place.



• When He and I are "in scene" or "in session," there are specific expectations for how I speak with Him. In that setting, I generally use "Sir." I know that He expects that I will respond to questions with that "Yes, Sir," and that is what I do; hence the internal chant that goes, "I love You, Sir."



• Around the house, when we are eating or watching TV, or talking about "stuff," I usually call Him by some affectionate appelation -- "Honey," or "Lovey," or the like. Those are easy and affectionate handles that facilitate our connecting and communicating.



• I very seldom call Him by His NAME. Exceptions are the rare situation when I really need to get His attention, and there is some reason why I can't get to Him directly. If I am away from where I can flag Him down, and really need to have Him notice that I am calling/speaking to Him, I will occasionally use the name His parents gave Him.

He refers to me, most often as "honey," or "sweetie." Often, He uses my name. Simple. He tends to be more formal about what He calls me in writing. So, if He writes about us, He may refer to me as "my slave, swan." I am seldom called "swan" in our direct interactions.

As for how I treat others with regard to "titles," my general take on things is that I'll call you whatever it is you want to be called. I just don't care that much. I have run into people who have hung themselves with all sorts of wild and fanciful "titles." I've known Lords and Ladies. I know people who designate themselves as "Prince" and "Princess." I've met Daddy's of BOTH genders. There are people all over the place who declare that they are either Master or Mistress so-and-so. I've even known a Mystress. OK then. No problem. Calling "Master James" Jim just seems rude and obnoxious. Nevermind that, on a personal level, I might think "Master James" is a total dork -- it just doesn't matter. It hurts me not at all to use the title he has selected, and doing so reflects well on my Master. That does matter to me -- a very great deal.

So. There. That is probably not serious enough for the "gurus" of the lifestyle. I am sure that there are those who would see my relaxed view of all of this as indicative of laxity in my training and discipline. I've been party to intense and heated conversations about the ins and outs of it all. I just can't get wound up about it. I could be directed to attend to it in some different fashion, and I surely would do that. In the end, it is important for me to be appropriate, respectful, and pleasant. It is important for me to behave in the ways that please my Master and bring honor to Him. That is all that really matters to me. The rest is for others to fuss about.

swan