I have progressed from mourning the loss of my past to relishing my present, and feeling some genuine excitement to see what my future can and will hold for me/us. I feel that my relationships with t and sue have recovered to a good extent from the endless do-loop of strife, recrimination, regret, and depression I think we all waded through much of the last year and a half. It is good for all of us to genuinely enjoy being with each other again and not face new encounters with the quandary of whether or not to dread what might transpire between us.
This feels a bit like Rip Van Winkle awakening after his long sleep. I have reawakened to find that what I do feel is "me" feels different than I ever have before in a variety of rather essential ways. Not the least of these is my orientation to Dominance, or even simply Topping, in SM play.
I have, since my earliest memories of erotic feelings, wanted to spank others. As I moved on through my childhood at the appropriate age, my desire to partner with others around spanking, differentiated into a desire for me to spank women exclusively. That was the driving force in my expression of sensual/erotic orientation throughout the remainder of my adult life. When I became active in the BDSM lifestyle play, I did bottom occasionally primarily to develop increased empathy and a resulting ratcheting up of my sadistic pleasure. It was generally true though that at least 99% of the time I was an unrepentantly and ruthlessly sadistic Dominant/Top. There was no ambiguity about this or any sort of wavering in who I was in this regard.
Now there is this new reality. I am still obsessed with adult consensual spanking. I still am taken with women's bottoms and still want to spank most women I encounter just as I always did. But too suddenly I get a really gushy sort of very warm feeling about wanting to bottom with women and specifically wanting to be spanked by women. I have a huge sense of eroticism about feeling the power of women. I particularly am excited by my sense of the power of my two:) They are both mature, bright, strong women, and I get really weak kneed and excited (yes actually turned on) at the prospect of their kind of taking me in hand and spanking me.
I feel some real uneasiness....no I think it is embarrassment....with my feeling this way. While I was always able to be very accepting and non judgemental of switches in the lifestyle, I was sure that was not me. Just as I believe male homophobia has roots in guys who have bisexual or gay feelings that they are repressing, I think bias against switches is rooted in power exchange role ambiguity. I was so sure of who I was. I knew switching was a valid orientation too....and I knew it was not my orientation. Now I awaken to find my god, I think I am a switch. No that statement is dishonest and reflects my denial. I awaken to find I am a switch. Damn!!!!
My intellect tells me this is interesting, and fun, and a source of new opportunity to explore new realities and relationship nuances. My feelings tell me this is not who I am. I am a man. I am Dominant. I am not one of those people. I am ME!!!! It is just that ME is suddenly M/me?
We are all feeling our way through this and I suspect we are in the very beginning stages of a new dynamic between us. I have played more at this with sue. She is a very competent Top and is very experienced in manipulating authority effectively. Over her 22 years of teaching she is known to never have been "shanghaied" by any bad kid, or bad class of kids...even those that all her predecessors have found to be incorrigible. Her particular skill is the rehabilitation and (metaphorical seduction) of "bad boys." I find that whole reality with her incredibly exciting.
She is willing to do whatever to please me, yet this is not at all anything she ever wanted as a primary dynamic in our relationship. On the other hand she loves me, is thrilled at the resurgence of our infatuation and our intimacy, and willing to support me as I need. On the other hand this creates emotional challenges for her that I am not sure I even understand, and that I will allow her to describe if she chooses to.
T and I have played a couple of times and her relative sadistic intensity (my ambiguity in all this is leaving me a very wimpy whiny bottom) has led to my not wanting to go there too frequently.
I don't know that I have described this at all well, but then I don't claim to understand it.
It is part of this new identity I am becoming and thus that our relationship is becoming.
Thank you for all the kind and supportive comments to my last attempt to express where I am.
All the best,
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
(Now if only I had some clue what the hell my dreams are:)