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1/30/2010

Ghost Story

Two years ago, at Christmas time, T made a grave blanket for Master's mother's grave.  She explained to us that this was an old German tradition, and she would just have none of anyone trying to talk her out of doing it.  She took it to the cemetary on a very cold and very snowy Saturday when Master and I were away at a meeting in the state capital.  She got it anchored into place, and took some photos to share with us and with "grandpa." 

If you look at the picture below, you may notice a small, bright, white spot in the lower right corner...













Here's an enlargement of this little bit...
Posted by Picasa
We came to believe, over time, that what T had captured with her camera that day, was an orb.  According to Dave and Sharon Oester (from GhostWeb.com), this kind of orb represents the soul of a departed person. The soul being the essence of who they were in life, complete with their intelligence, their emotions and their personality...

In the nearly two years, since His mother's death, we've been "visited" a number of times by the spirit of Rebecca.  Mostly, she seems to show up on T's side of the household, banging on things, shuffling along the carpet, standing wisp-like in the corners, and generally scaring the willies out of poor old Prazer cat.  Our common response to these mom appearances was to reassure her that grandpa was fine, being taken care of -- "don't worry, Mom, all is well."

Theirs was a long and almost unbelievable story...  They were both orphans of a sort.  She'd grown up never knowing the man who fathered her, and her mother died in a fire when she was very young.  She was taken in by relatives; cared for; fed; given a place to sleep -- but, in her own mind, she was the Cinderella in the family.  She never fully got over missing what she missed in her childhood. 

Walter's parents divorced when he was 12 years old, and he found himself abandoned in the midst of The Great Depression.  Somehow, left all on his own, with nowhere to go, and completely without any support, he managed to graduate from high school at the age of 16.

Walter met Rebecca, and the two of them fell into a love as vast as the great gaping lack of love that characterized their youths.  They wanted to marry, but the world was ablaze with World War II, and he did not want to marry her, and leave her to go off to war -- perhaps to be widowed before their life had even begun.  They waited... and waited... and waited, and the draft notice that he anticipated did not come.  Finally, after years of delay, they decided it might not ever happen, and so they got married.  Six days later, the notice they'd been expecting for so long arrived, and he was called to the war in Europe. 

Rebecca waited -- for the first time (but not for the last), for her Walter to come home.  We've got a number of stunning "cheesecake" style photos that she had made for her soldier.  Eventually, he came home, and they did make a life together.  He worked as an insurance claims adjuster, traveling a good part of the time, and coming to be very well thought of in the industry.  Although he never pursued any formal schooling beyond high school, he was a man of great curiosity and intellect. 

Master was their only child, and the little family of three did everything together.  They wrapped themselves around one another, and through good times and sometimes enormous struggles, they made a family. 

In retirement, they enjoyed traveling, and it was not at all unusual for them to take off on a road trip, visiting places and friends that they'd made in one or another place where they'd lived and worked over the years.  They loved their two grandchildren, Master's son and daughter, and delighted in their successes and achievements.

In the days, since Walter died, the universe has seemed oddly calm and quiet.  We've had no Rebecca visits since Tuesday morning.  While we came to accept her ongoing presence in our lives after her death, there is no sense at all that he remains "hanging" around our lives and homes.  It seems that her life-long habit of waiting for him has, at last, come to an end.  We are left with the sense that they have been finally re-united and have gone on to whatever it is that encompasses the energies and personalities of our souls. 
Here, there is still sadness and a sense of surprise at the suddeness of it all, but there is also some sort of shimmering wonderment at the amazing love of these two remarkable people.

swan

1/29/2010

Desperado #4

Desperado,
Ohhhh you aint getting no younger.
Your pain and your hunger,
They're driving you home.
And freedom, ohh freedom.
Well that's just some people talking.
Your prison is walking through this world all alone.
Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine.
It's hard to tell the night time from the day.
And you're losing all your highs and lows
aint it funny how the feeling goes
away...

There are so many bits that resonate for me in these lines--
 
When a person grows up in a difficult situation, it is pain and hunger that can drive us to find our way, finally, to our true and real home.  Some of us are born into the place that is, and will forever be, our heart's home, but for the rest of us, home is a place that we need to find -- or perhaps create.  We grow up in places that are not "home."  We suffer, often invisibly, from the pain of not belonging; from the pain of being always the outsider; from the pain of not finding a welcome in the place where we are.  That reality creates a hunger that will not be satisfied.  Outcasts in our own families, those of us who grow up apart from those to whom we are born, are driven to seek and search and find our way home.
 
And freedom?  Always, the question of what it means to be "free" strikes a chord in my slave's heart. Those of us who carry that self-descriptor, are often confronted by people who make judgements about us based on their own visceral reactions to the word.  Over the years, I've had people who knew almost nothing about me -- total strangers -- declare that what I do is grounded in emotional neediness, immaturity, co-dependency, abuse, and a whole host of other ugly and bizarre judgements.  None of those things have any truth or validity, but they do reflect a prevailing view in our society.  I've had to learn not to put much stock in "people talking."  I can, if I allow myself to see myself through the jaundiced eye of mean-hearted strangers, find myself in a lonely prison built out of the wisps of their words. 

I have to remember the central and essential paradox that MY freedom derives from the deliberately unequal balance between He and I.  I am most free when I am completely and securely His.  What makes the world seem cold or dark or flat or without joy is to find myself outside of His control.  When that becomes the norm and the regular pattern of our days and our weeks and our months, then, and only then do I find myself in "desperado" mode.

swan

1/26/2010

Sad News

Master's father died this morning. 

He was found by the staff at "the home" in his apartment.  At this point, because it occured in an institution, there is a police investigation and Master and T have not yet been allowed into the apartment. 

I am at school, trying to rearrange my afternoon so I can get away and get to them.  I should be able to leave in about 15 minutes. 

Right now, we know very little about what actually happened, and we are all just stunned.  It was just a couple of days ago that grandpa was at our home, having dinner and telling jokes as we celebrated his grandson's 21st birthday...

We'll be back around when we can.

swan

Desperado #3

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds boy, She'll beat you if she's able.
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet.
Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table.
But you only want the ones
That you can't get.

This second stanza seems to be about knowing what you have, and knowing what is and isn't valuable and good. 

I've always thought I was a free-thinker -- that I was not susceptible to the typical socially programmed group-think that defines what marks us, each and all, as "in" or "out."  I've prided myself as someone who walked her own way, chose her own path, and didn't give a good goddamn about what others thought about that.  I've been willing to relinquish ties to other people when those ties kept me from making the decisions that I felt were necessary if I was going to chart my course according to my own lights. 

But, I find more and more, that I am easily wounded by the judgements of the culture within which I live.  I've declared that the common rules of the society do not impact on my life, and so I go about living in a non-traditional relationship; without the sanction, rights, or benefits of marriage; with very few social links outside the boundaries of our own home.  I am a woman who lives a pretty socially closeted existence.  There are very few outside our family who know anything at all about my life.  I keep a very great number of secrets.


One thing that is clear is that I really did make choices to follow the lead of the "queen of hearts."  Love was the motivator for making huge changes in my life a number of years ago, and for good or bad, I continue to follow the way my heart leads.  For all of us, there have been things we've given up in order to be able to make the choices we've made to become "family."

I live a life that is full and abundant, and still, when I fall into the darkness, I can name all the various things that I want and cannot ever have.  In turning my attention to those things that I lack; the things that are missing, I loose sight of all those "fine things" that have been given to me in this life.  I seem to forget, on a pretty regular basis, to be adequately and appropriately grateful for all the very good parts of my life.

So, there's another lesson imbedded in this old song -- notice what you have, be grateful for what you have, don't be hungering after things that you can't get.

swan

1/25/2010

Desperado #2

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses
You've been out ridin' fences,
for so long - now.
Ohh you're a hard one.
I know that you've got your reasons.
These things that are pleasin'you
Can hurt you somehow.

I remember that when I first heard this song, way back in 1973, I understood it as a plaintive love song.  In my mind, I understood that the lyrical advice was aimed at some distant and aloof  "cowboy" who was guilty of keeping a lover at arms' length.  I never once, in all the years since, ever imagined that I'd hear this tune, and "get" that the aloof and defended one was ME. 

In 1973, I was a wounded and solitary young woman with a deep and growing cynicism about my chances of ever forming a positive and affirming intimate love connection with anyone.  Even then, at the tender age of 18, I bore the emotional scars of my upbringing and lonely childhood.  I knew better than to count on anyone, and I was utterly convinced that there was no one at all that I could really rely on to take care of me.  I was already an expert at protecting myself, and I lived my life inside some pretty formidable emotional walls.

Hard.  That was me.  I might have looked like a wide-eyed, frightened waif of a girl-woman, but I was closed off and prickly.  I trusted no one, expected nothing, believed that the world was a hostile place.  I was more than ready to go to war with anyone at any moment.  I had my reasons.  It all made perfect sense.  It still does.  I absolutely honor and love that young woman.  She survived and made a life.  She made some dreadful mistakes, but she kept her wits and lived to love another day.

That fierce young woman grew up and became an intensely independent and determined woman.  I worked and I scrabbled and I fought my way along in a man's world of work and internal corporate politics, and I was darned good at it.  No one pushed me around, and no one beat me to the punch.  I wasn't a whining, man-hating feminist.  I was a warrior woman understanding the exact nature of the world in which I lived.

I raised my children.  I kept my marriage going by sheer grit and determined stubborness.  I kept my "fences" in very, very good repair. 


In those days, I took my pleasures from my working successes.  I moved through the corporate maze with a sure footedness, and the financial rewards affirmed me in my chosen course.  My children grew up watching me fight the dragons of the business world in which I lived.  They became accustomed to my frequent and lengthy business travel, and they seemed content enough with the small gifts I always brought when I returned "home."  By the time I was 26 years old, my menses had nearly stopped -- I would have perhaps three or four periods a year.  After all, that monthly menstrual thing was for girls, and it left them weak and miserable.  I didn't have time for such nonsense, and my hormones seemed to get the message.  The things that would have fired my senses sexually were completely opaque to me -- there was no time for such frippery. 

I was hugely "successful," and living in deep and silent pain.  The woman that I was becoming was bound and gagged in the basement of my psyche.  You would have thought that the song lyric would have boomed loudly in my mind:  "These things that are pleasin' you can hurt you somehow."

I believe that the patterns we lay down in our early years are very hard to erase.  I'm no longer a young woman, and I don't have any need to fight the battles she found so compelling.  But...  Put me under pressure; introduce enough stress; leave me out in the dark and the cold for long enough -- and I'll dig around in the steamer trunk of my emotions and pull out all her old tricks. 

There have been stressors aplenty in the last year or so.  Master did a really good job of enumerating them in His comment on my "shy" post.  He's been ill and preoccupied with the recoveries from His surgeries.  He's had His hands full caring for His dad.  He's worried about T and her mom.  He's struggled to hold things together for His agency, and He's worried about where His career might go if He can't do that.  He's watched His children transition into adulthood, and experienced the pangs that so many of us encounter at that juncture in our lives.  He has loved me, through all of that with an unwavering constancy and intensity, but His focus has necessarily been elsewhere.  Without His steady hand on me, I wandered further and further and further out into the wilderness -- building and tending the fences that might make me "safe." 

That seems to me to be the lesson here.  I am certain that there will be more times ahead when the focus must waver, and when I will need to care for myself and my family in challenging times.  I have come through this last difficult passage, and I've discovered that I am still safe and secure.  It was never otherwise.  If there was ever anyone who should believe, unshakeably, in the safety and certainty of the love surrounding them, that person is me.  So, going forward, I intend to add the affirmation and reassurance that "I am safe and loved" to the internal chatter that can so influence my thinking and my reactions. 

No more "fences" for this one.

swan

1/24/2010

Desperado #1


I've had this song running through my head today, and it seems I am walking around the place channeling Linda Ronstadt.  I am finding that the words and the music are saying things to me about where I've been wandering emotionally in the last few months, and I want to spend a bit of time trying to take it all apart and figure out where I got so far off my chosen path...

So, for the next little bit, I think I'm going to take bits and pieces of the song, "Desperado," and use the lyrics to jump off into a conversation with myself.  Feel free to listen in if you want.

For those who are not as old as I am, here are the lyrics --

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses
You've been out ridin' fences,

for so long - now.

Ohh you're a hard one.

I know that you've got your reasons.

These things that are pleasin'you

Can hurt you somehow.

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds boy

She'll beat you if she's able.

You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet.

Now it seems to me, some fine things

Have been laid upon your table.

But you only want the ones

That you can't get.

Desperado,

Ohhhh you aint getting no younger.

Your pain and your hunger,

They're driving you home.

And freedom, ohh freedom.

Well that's just some people talking.

Your prison is walking through this world all alone.

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?

The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine.

It's hard to tell the night time from the day.

And you're losing all your highs and lows

aint it funny how the feeling goes

away...

Desperado,

Why don't you come to your senses?

come down from your fences, open the gate.

It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you.

You better let somebody love you.

(let sombody love you)

You better let somebody love you...ohhh..hooo

before it's too..oooo.. late.

1/23/2010

Feeling Shy

We played this morning.
It has been a busy day, and I haven't found time to write about it.

Tonight, as we near midnight, I find that I haven't got words to write about our time together.
I feel shy, and very reticent for some reason.
Right now, I want to hold this close and turn it over in my own mind and my own heart...
For now, I want to savor the sensations and the memories.
I don't want to put this part of US out there.
I want to curl in with Him and pull the figurative blinds, and keep this part of our lives private.  At least for now...

swan

1/21/2010

Begging

On December 26, He and I crashed into one another, and it was a relational disaster of Titanic proportions.  That dark passage has receded a good bit with the passage of time, but the sense of woundedness has not entirely healed.  For either of us. 

We've talked a very great deal.  We've worked hard to listen and to understand.  We've each been gentle with each other, but also very tentative.  From my perspective, it feels scary to move forward, or to move very much at all, because I am so aware that it might all burst into flames again.

We've continued to share a bed.  We fall exhausted into bed each night, and hold onto one another with an almost desperate tenacity. 

We've continued to make love -- almost daily.  Nothing at all kinky about that ... we are happy enough with our renewed and restored capacity for good, old-fashioned, vanilla sex. 

We've continued to maintain our positions within our established power-based dynamic.  He continues to have expectations of my service and my obedience, and I continue to work to fulfill those requirements.  It has given us a stable and familiar way of being together through these days.

But we have not spanked -- not engaged in any sadomasochistic play.  There was one spanking just after our battle.  It was very difficult, very intense, and very punitive feeling.  I was left very sore and bruised in the aftermath.  One other attempt a day or so later made me so miserable that He backed off completely, and has made no move to initiate anything since. 

He's stopped believing in me as a masochist, and who can blame Him?  I've been in an internal dialog that amounts to an accountant's balancing of the pain and pleasure values in my life.  There's not much that is overtly erotically pleasurable for me anymore.  I simply do not get turned on -- by anything, and I don't take much pleasure from sex these days.  It isn't difficult or painful -- it just isn't exciting or fulfilling.  Somewhere in my imaginings, I keep thinking that if there were more physical pleasure in the mix, that I'd be better equipped to make the journey through the painful side of things.  But I haven't done a very good job of explaining all of that to Him, and what He has interpreted of that is that I "don't like spanking" anymore.  He is unwilling to cross over into anything that feels abusive, and I have lost so much of my earlier "joy" in the physical reality of spanking, that He is feeling that He has lost His play partner.  Sigh.

In the meantime, I have not lost my need for spanking.  Not at all.  However unbalanced the pain/pleasure accounts seem, my perverse masochistic drives keep on working, and when we go for significant periods of time without spanking, I begin to feel starved.  Desperate.  Abandoned.  Fearful.

I have wanted Him to figure it all out.  I have wanted Him to see me and know me and understand my needs and my fears -- and somehow to fix it all.  THAT is unfair and unreasonable, and I know that, as an adult partner in this relationship, it is my responsibility to reach across the gap and make the move to re-establish the connection.  But I am a proud and arrogant, stiff-necked human.  Not good.



I have some medical things planned today, and so had the day off from school.  This morning, we woke up early, and made love just a bit after 4 AM.  I think we both believed that we'd fall back to sleep afterwards, but He was awake in the darkness, and I was frustrated and agitated and very, very sad.  I cried quietly, and worried, and tried to think my way along through all the tangles -- while lying there in the darkness rubbing His back.  An hour passed, and then another half an hour...  Finally, I broke the silence, and begged for what I've been needing for so long -- "If I promise to be good, would You spank me, please?"

I think He told me that He'd spank  me even if I promised to be bad.  :-)  We held onto each other for a bit longer, just touching and savoring the closeness.  Then I went to get onto my old friend, the spanking pillow, and He went to collect the toys He wanted.  I was very agitated, scared, and emotional in the beginning, and I got a bit panicky.  He held me and assured me that I was doing fine.  He stroked me with a knife blade, tracing the scars of the cutting, and teasing me into a gentler rhythm.  And, He spanked me.  Hard.  With a variety of implements.  Eventually, I settled in, breathing and clinging to my love for Him, and sinking deeper and deeper into the quiet and dark.  And then it was over with.  I kissed the paddle, thanked Him (really thanked Him) for my spanking, and the two of us fell back to sleep.  It was all so good.  I feel as if I can breathe again without it aching in my chest.

I am not naive.  I don't have any illusions that all is well, but I am hopeful.  Hopeful that we may have turned a corner toward being good again.  It took me outliving my own pride to finally say to Him what He needed to hear from me.

Pride.  Not a good thing in a slave.  Duh!

swan

1/20/2010

DD and BDSM -- Differences?

I (and we) have had some communication from people expressing the hope that things have leveled out around our place, and that "we" are "alright."  So, perhaps it is appropriate to assure our friends and readers that we are basically fine, although I suspect that describing our status as "alright" might be stretching things a bit. 

We are unsettled on a very deep and very essential level in our intimate lives, and of course, we are mired in crisis mode as we try to work our way through the latest bout of health concerns with Master's father.  We are working together to try and cope with all of that, but not finding adequate time to make our way very well along the path of relational communication and healing. 


Standing in the shower this morning, I had the thought that, "all of this would be so much easier and better if the DD MAGIC actually worked."  Nearly every practitioner of domestic discipline will tell you that the introduction of DD into their relationships makes everything better, and that handing over the control and giving their partner the authority to punish for infractions relieves their relationships of festering doubts and struggles.  The "MAGIC" works, they insist:  spank as needed, and all the trials and strife that plague your relationship can be erased as if they were chalk on a slate. 

Too, as practitioners of BDSM, we are often told that our lifestyle is mostly sexual and really not about the relationship.  Our kind of spanking, unlike the MAGIC sort of DD spanking, isn't about relating -- it is just a sex thing. 

I find that ironic in these weary days of slogging along through the aftermath of our "relational blowout."  We certainly did, as things worked out, apply that DD panacea punishment spanking.  At least, I felt like that happened.  I did my level best to accept that punishment, and to acknowledge that I deserved it.  Still, the relationship (which we do not have under the definitions of the domestic discipline crowd) remains tender.  He and I are carrying a wounded place between us, and I am coming to understand that it cannot be spanked away.  We just do not seem to have the MAGIC. 

We are committed to finding our way along.  We are in this for the long haul.  We are each hurt and each uncertain, and we are both afraid.  Spanking doesn't fix everything.  It is a way to relate, but not the only way.  For us, it seems there is no easy way through this.  We will simply have to put one foot in front of the other, work to trust one another, and hope to rebuild something good from the mess I made.

swan

1/19/2010

We are ... Waiting for Godot?

Waiting for Godot is a play written by Samuel Beckett.  Briefly, the story revolves around two men,  Vladimir and Estragon, who meet near a tree. They discuss a variety of topics and reveal that they are waiting there for a man named Godot. While they wait, a boy enters and tells Vladimir that he is a messenger from Godot. He tells Vladimir that Godot will not be coming tonight, but that he will surely come tomorrow. The next night, Vladimir and Estragon again meet near the tree to wait for Godot. Once again, the boy enters and  tells Vladimir that Godot will not be coming. The play ends as the two decide to leave, but do not actually make any move to do that.

That is a pretty nearly perfect metaphor for what has been going on with us here.

Master's father remains in the hospital.  He has been here since last Thursday evening, and a number of issues have come up as we've gone through the days.  X-rays have revealed a bowel obstruction.  In the beginning, he was on an N-G tube, but after a couple of days, he pulled that out in his sleep.  Things seemed to improve, and for about two days, he was put on a clear liquid diet -- we were hopeful that it was a first step to a resolution.  But, no such luck...

Somewhere along the line, the arm where they installed a goretex graft as an access point for dialysis, began to hurt and swell.  Doctors are suspecting an infection, but although the swelling and redness persist, no infection has been identified. 

X-rays have been repeated over and over on a daily basis, and "dad" has been NPO since about 6 PM yesterday.  We were told then that it was likely that there would be a decision made this morning regarding a possible surgical intervention in this bowel obstruction.  Surgery for someone who is 91-1/2 years old, with heart issues, and kidney issues, is an extreme risk.  Very scary.  So, Master came to the hospital early this morning to be here when things began to happen.  He has waited all day.  It is now after 6PM, and there has been no word.  The surgeon, who will make the decision on all of this is "missing in action."  The latest word is that the Doctor will appear this evening, "after his surgery schedule is finished." 

So.  We wait.  And wait.  And wait.

The frustration and anxiety level is mounting.  Rapidly.

Perhaps, at some point, Dr. Donovan will appear.  I wouldn't want to be him.  When Master gets hold of him, it is not likely to be pretty.

*
*
*
*
*
OMG!  The mysterious and elusive Dr. Donovan (Godot) arrived... at 6:30 PM.  Still no decision.  Things seem a bit better.  They are understandably reluctant to jump to a surgical option.  To quote the good doctor, "If you were 41 rather than 91, you would already be in the operating room, but..."  So, they've ordered an enema, and will wait.  Tomorrow morning, another x-ray, and then perhaps a decision. 

At least, for tonight, "grandpa" can have some ice chips.  Not much, but a small thing. 

As we are quiet here, at least you will all know why.

swan

And, since we have nothing at all to report, we've been absent/quiet.

1/16/2010

Fur a Change

A long time ago, when I first began to actively explore my interest in aspects of BDSM with the one who pretended to be a Dominant, one hurdle we faced was in knowing just HOW it was that this D/s thing is supposed to be done.  Like most people coming into the lifestyle for the first time, we had no real life models, and our access to decent information was far more limited than it would be if we were starting out today. 

Questions about how to do Dominance or how to do submission weren't likely to show up in Ann Landers' daily newspaper column.  When we came across bits of information, we grabbed it like drowning souls lost at sea.  And that is how I first came to the practice of shaving my pubic hair.  From what we could see; from what we knew; that was how everyone did it, and so, being the pretend Dominant that he was, he decreed that I too would shave my girl parts. 

It had a sort of delicious wicked feeling to it in the beginning.  It seemed very "out there."  I remember being concerned about the first visit I ever made to the gynocologist after I went bare, and I remember moments of anxiety when I would go to the gym or the spa -- what would people think?  What would people say?  The truth is no one ever SAID anything, and I doubt very seriously that anyone ever stayed up at night wondering what my shaved crotch might mean.  Please!

I've shaved my pubic hair for well over ten years now.  It has come to be "the way it is."  I don't think about it much anymore, and I surely don't worry who will see or what they will think.

Master has never indicated that He cares.  One way or the other.  I am pretty sure that He is among the vast throng of folks who do not give the state of my pubic hair a second thought.

Lately, I've stopped shaving it.  Keeping it bare is work, and it got to be something that I was doing BECAUSE I was doing it.  Each time I got in the shower to de-fur, I wondered why I was spending the extra time on something that absolutely no one cared about.  As we went through that last round of surgery and recovery, I found I had less and less time to attend to those personal details, and so I quit. 

The world did not end.  The hair grew and grew, and it is now reaching the point where I am reminded what it was like so many years ago.  It seems softer than it was when I was younger.  Not as curly.  Surely, it is grayer. 


Having it there does not impact Him or us in any way that I can see.  Interestingly, I am enjoying the feel of it -- late at night, it is somehow comforting to be able to feel the soft downiness of my own privates.  It is like having my own soft, fuzzy stuffed animal right where I can always find it. 

There's no point to all of that, really.  It just is.  Another change.  Another thing that I once thought meant something that really didn't mean anything at all.  I've regrown my fur and the world goes around just as it always has.

swan

1/15/2010

Crisis Report

It has been a long day after a very short night, but we are finally home -- and the news tonight is a fair bit better than we were expecting.

It seems that Master's father's bowel obstruction has resolved itself, and we now believe that he will not need surgery to correct that issue.  He remains in what the nursing staff is calling controlled Atrial-fib. 

Tomorrow, he will see the cardiologist.  They will do another x-ray in the morning, and if things still look good, they will remove the N-G tube and begin introducing food.  Assuming that everything proceeds well, I imagine Master's dad might be home again by Monday or Tuesday.

Thank you all for all your good wishes and thoughts this day.

And, morningstar, I did have a doctor's appointment today.  The best guess is that I may be experiencing some sort of degenerative spinal issue, likely the beginnings of arthritis.  I'm scheduled for an MRI next Thursday, and that will give us some better idea what is going on (maybe).  It seems that this may be yet another "joyful" aspect of aging, but does not appear to be anything particularly awful or scary.

swan

Another Crisis

In my childhood, my father, who often worked very long hours, would often come home from work only to have my mother report on the latest disaster occuring in her world -- one of the boys had broken a door/window/arm, or some appliance had gone caput (usually issuing forth a stream of water or other nasty stuff), or a car had a flat tire, or a check had bounced or a bill was overdue or...


I remember, as clearly as if it was yesterday, that he would sigh with exhaustion and proclaim, "It is always a crisis around here!"

Well, I feel like we are echoing my Dad these days.  It really does feel like it is "always a crisis" around our family.

Early last evening, as Master and I were having an early dinner because I had to be back at school for an evening meeting, His phone rang.  It was His 91 year old father calling with the news that his physical therapist was concerned with how his heart was acting during their session, and so he was being transported to the local emergency room.

Knowing how these things work, we finished our meal, and then Master headed off to the hospital and I went on to my meeting.  We, of course, called T and gave her the story so she was in the loop as well. 

It turned out that Master's father has gone back into atrial fib, and that he also has a small bowel obstruction.  They admitted him to the hospital with an N-G tube in place to take the pressure off his stomach and bowel.  Master made sure that the cardiologist, nephrologist, and "best surgeon in the whole world" were all called in to consult, and then He came home at about 12:15 in the morning.  I fed Him some leftovers, and He had a small glass of wine, and we went to try and get a few hours of sleep. 

This morning, He is at the hospital with His dad (after going to His own previously scheduled appointment for some lab work), T had an early doctor's appointment and is hopefully with Master by now, and I am at school -- just trying to keep it together and make it through the day. 

I don't think any of us know what to expect of this one.  It is pretty darn scary.  We'll likely be away and quiet for a bit as this latest crisis works itself out (whatever that turns out to mean).

Thanks in advance for all your kind thoughts and energies.
swan

1/14/2010

Building Community

Master and I had a short but intense conversation yesterday morning that was sparked by a piece put up by Polyamorous Percolations about a variety of issues that have been identified within the poly community. In general, the article points to a phenomenon that is becoming ubiquitous within the various segments of the alternative lifestyle universe.  It seems that there are segments of our alternative lifestyle community that find themselves feeling uncomfortable in the usual gatherings that are so often part of the "scene."  We've experienced that ourselves.

To be clear, the article focuses on the polyamory community, and is specifically concerned with the reactions of young adults as they encounter the "older" parts of the poly world.  As has happened in the BDSM community, young polyamorists in many locales have created TNG (The Next Generation) special interest groups.  It makes sense, on the surface.  If you are interested in creating intimate relationships, it may very well be that it feels most comfortable to limit the range of people a person might come in contatct with to those "categories" that we feel most aligned with.  But the TNG phenomenon is complicated and not always easy to sustain.

Actually, I have mixed feelings about all the special interest groups that pop up within our ranks.  I wonder about the value of groups for men only or women only or subs only or tops only or switches only or pagans only or spankos only or ...  Years ago when Thunder in the Mountains first began setting up multiple dungeon play spaces that were designated for one or another of various identified groups, I wondered "why?"  What does it say about us when we cannot even "play" in proximity to one another?

Master's take on it was that it seems very similar to experiences we have had with making connections in our local BDSM and local poly communities.  When we have occasion to meet up with others like ourselves, we tend to come away feeling as if we just don't fit in anywhere, and we are often uncomfortable enough in these kinds of gatherings that we embody that "show up once" phenomenon that seems to be the common mode for young people coming in contact with the older segment of the poly world.  We humans are social animals, but we are also skittish, and so the dilemma repeats itself over and over in different contexts.

So...

The questions that we might ask about creating community within the context of our various alternative lifestyles boil down to definitions and directions:

What is community?
Why is it important to us?
What is it made of?
Who is included and (maybe) welcome in our communities?
How do we reach out to those people?
How do we connect to all the various segments of the community?
Do we create larger ombudsmen groups, or are special interest groups better?
Either or both?

I'm not sure how I ever survived in the days before Google (and all those other search engine tools).  A very simple Internet search yielded up a wealth of information including this Building Community website that lays out a very succinct set of principles for creating "community."  It is all based on and aimed at those who work in the marketing industry, but looking at it, I see plenty of applicability to our poly and BDSM communities, so what follows here is an adaptation of that material to make it applicable to those of us who live alternative lifestyles...

The Seven Principles --
1) Do not try to control the message: Command and control is dead (Oh!  Really?  Would someone please inform the Dominants?  LOL!). We live in a world that is driven by and absorbed in various kinds of social media.  The old view of "the way things should be" or "the way things have always been" is simply not valid or applicable to the environment within which we currently exist.  We need to learn to listen to one another with less impulse to make everyone conform, with less need to cause others to embrace "our" truth, with way more tolerance for difference than we have in years past.  When we move to define the "way things are done" for others in our communities, and particularly when we try to do that with the younger members of our community, we are most likely to be met with anger, distrust, and either rebellion or deaf ears.

2) Honesty, ethics and transparencies are musts: We cannot have a relationship with one person or many if we don't behave well.  Foundationaly, we are about basic human relations, and creating a strong foundation for long-term, two-way mutually beneficial relationship. The great benefit that we have all garnered from our ability to connect widely via the Internet, also creates the potential for relationship destroying dishonesty and lack of compassion and courtesy.  Creating community will require us to behave in ways that allow us to trust one another.  Think about the golden rule here.

3) Participation within the community is necessary.  If we are interested in building community with one another, we have to "get out there," and spend time with one another.  It takes work and the willingness to be exposed to differences as we interact and contribute to larger community groups and social networks. Our family struggles with this; while enjoying the opportunity to be who we are without pretense, we often find that making social connections is difficult, stressful, and frustrating.  Unless we are completely unique (and I doubt that is the case, however special we seem to me), there must surely be others who struggle with all the same sorts of issues, discomforts and concerns.

In short, we cannot become respected by the community unless we are actually part of the community.

4) Communication to audiences is an out-dated 20th century concept.  Audiences receive one-way communications — movies, radio broadcasts, speeches, etc. In today's social media drenched environment, the audience talks back, forcing us to address them in a conversational, two-way manner.  Building community, especially with the youngest segments of our poly and BDSM worlds requires us to converse and not simply perform or present.

5) Build value for the community: This is a strategic principle. When we seek to connect to various sub-groups within our lifestyle community, we have to identify what it is that "we" can offer that is of value.  What is it that any person gains through association with the lot of us?  If we can't answer that quesiton, our communities will age out and eventually die.

6) Inspire your community with real, exciting information, and vibrant relatedness instead of tired old "this is how we've always done it" knee-jerk platitudes.  If we expect to nurture and build a strong, healthy, lively BESM or polyamorous community, we need to address the needs, solve the problems, chart the course, and generate the sense of unity and empowerment that will keep us strong for the coming battle. 

7) Intelligently manage your media forms to build a stronger, loyal community.  We have an important role in intelligently creating content to build a community.  To do that, we need to make it easy for community members to find us, meet us, intereact with us, and come back a second, third, and fourth time. We need to have real conversations, meet face to face with one another whenever it is possible to do that, write good solid content that engenders serious and lively conversations.

If we can learn the skills that make for good marketing in the business environment, we may be able to build strong and healthy communities.  If we can learn all the appropriate skills, we'll attract and hold onto interesting, lively, diverse people who will enrich and strengthen our communities.  In the end, we'll gain more from them than we will ever give then along the way.

swan

1/13/2010

Seeing the Doctor

We are on spanking hiatus.
Because.
I have an appointment to see the doctor on Friday afternoon.  I've had a dull achy sort of pain in my lower back on the right side for probably close to 5 months.  It isn't sharp.  It does not throb.  It isn't worse if I sit or lie down or walk.  It just is.  Sometimes I think it is like a muscle pull, but then as I think about it, it seems deeper than the muscles.  If I really am just still, the pain seems like it is inside somewhere.  Glowing.  Warm. 
It has gone on long enough that He has become concerned, and insisted that I get it checked out, so of course, I have an appointment.  He imagines any number of scary possibilities.  I have checked WebMD, and am convinced that it is most likely a bladder infection or a bladder cyst.  Neither are life threatening.  On Friday, I'll start the process of having the medical professionals look and poke and prod and palpate and x-ray and scan and whatever else it is that they will do to identify the issue. 
But. 

In the meantime, we are on hiatus.  We tend to lay off our usual SM play when I have to visit the doctor.  If there is any liklihood that my ass will be "on display," then His judgement is that I ought to go without marks of any sort.  While it may or may not be an issue with my personal physician, we choose to avoid the situation where a doctor might perceive abuse and feel it is mandatory to report that to authorities. 
We are fully aware that there are, in some localities, kink friendly professionals who might not become alarmed at the obvious physical signs of our regular SM play, but we've not found any such doctors in our area. 
I'll go to the doctor on Friday, and my ass will be clear and utterly unmarked.  Whatever the medical conclusions might be, there will be no reason for the good doctor to be concerned about the condition of my butt on Friday.

swan

1/11/2010

Accentuate the Positive

AC-CENT-TCHU-ATE THE POSITIVE (Mister In-Between)
(Johnny Mercer / Harold Arlen)

You've got to accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between

You've got to spread joy up to the maximum
Bring gloom down to the minimum
Have faith or pandemonium
Liable to walk upon the scene...


For those of us old enough to remember Bing Crosby, this silly little lyric may seem familiar.  To the younger set, probably not.  I went hunting for this bit of musical "ancient history" because I felt like I needed words to help me frame the intent with which I want to approach this new year.
I had a sort of sad feeling weekend, because I got swept up in a wave of mourning for my surgically amputated sexual responsiveness.  Those down in the dumps places happen less and less frequently these days, but when I get hit with that blast of self-pity, there isn't very much that anyone can say to make me see anything but blackness extending out into the forever future.  When I get like that, I really need good old Bing to waltz into my world and set me straight --
I expect to have periods of time when I will encounter afresh my grief over what I've lost.  I think that is not made easier by this lifestyle or dynamic.  The mysterious BDSM brew that is compounded of pain and pleasure is, for me, by definition short on the pleasure side.  It is the fact.  It is not changeable within the context of my life.  It is not the end of the world. 
I suspect that what is needed is a shift in focus.  For every "this is missing" there is some bit with which I am richly endowed.  I cannot change what is, but I can spend my energy attending to the good things -- accentuating the positive.  If I can figure out that trick, I suspect that I'll have more better days ahead.

swan

1/08/2010

Reindeer Totem

I liked the information about the swan totem, it fits our Swan.....so I thought I would take a look at mine. I LOVE Reindeer....sorta my thing....so, here goes! Kinda surprising how accurate this is.



The reindeer is a family-oriented totem, skillful in communication and social activities. This totem is a born-leader and welcomes any opportunity to guide others in his herd into new directions. Reindeer has an innocent demeanor and is helpful to friends and family members. Receptive to the needs of others this totem teaches how to adapt to community concerns. "All for one, and One for all" could easily be the motto for this totem. If a reindeer makes its appearance in your life the lesson may very well be that it is time for you to step up and take an active role in caring for the herd. If you have become isolated it may be asking you to take on a leadership role in getting everyone to work as a team. Or, if you currently have a domineering role, you may need to look and see if you are overshadowing others with your ideals, in that case, step back a bit. Guidance is a key role for this totem. Be a kind and helpful teacher, not a bossy one. It is little wonder that Rudolph (who would be categorized with other mystical totems) with his beacon red-light nose was chosen by Santa to guide his team of reindeer into the foggy Christmas Eve night. Look around you, your help is needed.


T

Joke -- Life is Funny Sometimes

A silly joke that I heard on the radio the other day --

A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him since he only had 24 hours to live.

"Of course Darling," she replied.
And so they have sex.
Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again and says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?"
Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex. Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion. He taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?"
By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.
After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"
She turns to him with a sour look on her face and says, "You know....... you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!!!"
 
Now, that just makes me giggle. 
Because...

The way life has come to be around here, as He's gotten healed up and skinnier and stronger, is that He most often wakes up at 4:30 or 5:00 AM, and He's rarin' to go.  Almost always, He's cute and charming, wondering IF I'd like to make love.  It's sweet.  I'm generally happy to oblige, and one of the gains coming to us with the weight loss is that His sexual responsiveness and performance has improved dramatically.
 
Mostly, when I am in the middle of that "4:30 fuck," I try not to think about the fact that the alarm goes off at 5:30.  After all, if I let myself get wrapped up in that "what time is it" thing, I'd likely respond just like the woman in the joke -- "Oh sure, easy for You -- You don't have to get up in the morning!"  I'm thinking that just wouldn't go well... 
 
But the joke still makes me giggle... 
 
swan

1/07/2010

Swan Keeper

I am often fascinated by the "real-life" bits and pieces that refer to our various "family" bird symbols.  Sometimes, the trivia that I find about our avian "totem" critters are just eerily close to the realities of our lives.  Here is a bit that discusses the British tradition of "swan upping."  It is really about the once royal privilege of owning swans...  In particular, I just love this picture.


Swan-upping which originated over 600 years ago is an ancient English tradition with its origins based on protecting the rights of the rich and powerful. Centuries ago owning swans was a privilige restricted to the Crown. The Swan-upping ceremony developed as the means by which the Crown identified their particular swans. Swan-upping takes place along the Thames during the third week of Julyj(as an aside, the anniversary of our cutting date is in late July). An assembly of boats search to find all the year's new cygnets and their parents. The watermen jump out of their boats into the shallows to catch each bird. Very gently, they tie the bird's legs are together. This has a great calming effect on the swan. Each bird then has an identifying band attached to its leg.

swan

1/06/2010

Starting Over -- Both of Us

In His comment to the Aftercare post, Master wrote:

...I am finding myself feeling even more spanking obsessed than usual after our recent relationship crisis, and you absolutely can anticipate spankings of increased frequency and intensity, especially in light of our lengthy spanking hiatus after my surgery. The Surgeon gave me a release to return to normal activity when I saw him the day before yesterday. If only he knew what that entails:)
I think that in recent months, perhaps even years, as I have become concerned about not exceeding your limits and hoping to find a way for you to feel fulfilled by your spankings, you and I have both become confused about our Dominance/submission.

There is symbiosis in our relationship and it is best effectuated when I unequivocably exert control based on my volition and not (primarily) your gratification. There is nothing more distressing than a confused slave, as we have both just experienced over the holidays. I will clarify things between us.


I started out to respond to this in the comments section, but I have enough to say about it that it seems it is worth its own post. 

My internal response, ever since I read this in the middle of the afternoon today, is simply "yes -- yes, Sir."  While I believe that there may have been some intent to cause me to feel nervous and fearful at the prospect of an intensification of the dynamic between us, I find that mostly, I feel relieved. 

It isn't that I think that what lies ahead will be simple or easy or comfortable for me -- far from it.  I am quite sure that I will suffer and cry as He implements a much more intense power dynamic and includes significantly more SM play within that context. Still, I look forward with a quiet joy to the prospect of slipping back into my place with Him.

It has been a very, very difficult year for Him:  two major abdominal surgeries, a total and complete shift in lifestyle with regard to food and drink and exercise, regularly recurring health issues and scares about His elderly father, and some major worries and concerns about the economy and the ultimate survival of His agency...  Along with all of that, both of us are aging and that brings its own challenges.   He is not one to complain, and He most often celebrates what it good and positive with fairly lavish abandon, but it becomes tedious when the battles seem to never end, and He gets tired.  Of course He does.

With all of that, it is no surprise that a very great deal of our "normal" M/s dynamic has slipped away, or at least been put on the back burner.  We've not changed the definitions of what or who we are with one another, but more and more and more of our interactions have become vanilla-cized.  We've remained devoted lovers, but we've put aside much that embodied our intimate power exchange. 

Each of us have dealt with that shift in our own way.  Sadly, we haven't necessarily moved closer to one another as we've coped.  The distancing has been subtle, for the most part, but I think we've both noticed it.

I've always insisted that those of us who claim to be submissive, and especially those of us who are called slave, ought to self-maintain; ought to self-soothe; ought to hold up our end of the bargain without the requirement that someone impose the discipline from outside.  I don't think that Dominants should have to "make" us do what it is we've promised to do -- I especially don't think that MY Dominant Partner ought to have to do any of that.  That's been my belief and my theory, and I'll not back off from that at this point. 

Theory, however, is not always congruent with what happens in "real life."  Knowing that I'm capable of being self-sustaining, and knowing that I expect myself to do that, doesn't make it any easier to do it day after day.  I've assumed so much control in the last year, and maybe even for longer than that as He has struggled with an ever widening array of health issues, that it has become less and less clear to me where my submission begins -- where is the point where I can and should relinquish the control back into His hands?

We've just stumbled along together; doing what we could; letting go of what it seemed we had to -- neither of us feeling satisfied or content, and yet caught in a swirl of change and challenge that has kept us both stymied.  In some ways, I'm surprised that we managed to hang on as long as we did without some major blowup.  Looking back at the road we've been traveling, the fact that we finally reached a crisis point is not particularly surprising, and the good news is that it worked as a major "reset" for us both.  We are feeling our way along a bit, but it is a good sort of fumbling forward -- a huge improvement over the "drift on course" that has become the norm for us in recent years. 


Now, He is clear that He will re-establish the boundaries and re-exert His Dominance.  That gives me pause -- I am not naive about what that will mean.  Mostly though, I feel jubilant and almost giddy -- quietly of course, because I feel like I may finally be able to come "home" and rest.  I am looking forward to this year.  I am looking forward to learning anew, what He wants, what He expects, what the demands and rewards might be for this "new" life.

swan

1/05/2010

Aftercare

One of the shifts that seems to be in the offing as we enter into the new year is that He is clear that there will be more spanking, and that it will be spanking the way it used to be.  I believe that His exact words were, "no more of these wimpy spankings like you have been getting..." 

The first spanking of our "new" life was on New Year's eve, and it was a doozie -- lots of heavy paddles and a significant whipping at the end.  What else He used in between, I honestly cannot remember.  I know that I was sincerely sore and bruised feeling afterwards, but so glad to be back in some sort of syncronization with Him that I hardly noticed. As for Him noticing that bruised thing, since I very rarely SHOW any sign of bruising, it is pretty hard to convince a sadist that my nearly unmarked ass has suffered any trauma worth talking about. 

We didn't spank on New Year's day, and although He intended to spank me on Saturday, our plans got rearranged when His father was taken off to the hospital emergency room with leg pains on Saturday evening.  So, it was Sunday afternoon before He got back around to it, and I knew I was in trouble right from the start.  There were still several very sore places, and that sense of being deeply bruised was vivid. 

I sweated my way through what should have been a pleasant and enjoyable warm up hand-spanking.  I couldn't relax and enjoy it because I knew as miserable as it was feeling, what was sure to follow was going to be truly awful.  And it was.  Awful.  I cried and begged and squirmed and begged some more.  Every implement seemed worse than the last one.  I don't know if there were intervals in between, but if that happened, I have no recollection of anything except a feeling of facing an onslaught.  At one point, as He used a delrin birch-type implement, I was sure that He was flaying the skin off of me.  I could FEEL it cutting into me in a half-dozen lines on every stroke, and I was sure that I was dripping blood from the wounds He was making on my butt.  No amount of reassurance could convince me that I was not bleeding profusely (and I was not).

When He was finally done, having given me that sort of devilish choice at the end:  "another set with the paddle or another set with the delrin?"  I was exhausted, weak, shaky, sore, and feeling like the worst wimp in the world.  I wanted to just curl up and sleep, but my butt was throbbing, pounding, blazing red and welted, and feeling as if it was swolen to the point of the skin bursting open.  We very seldom worry about any kind of aftercare.  I don't usually need it, but on Sunday, I was desperate for ice packs to be applied on my poor tender butt. 


He obliged, filling gallon ziploc bags with ice and plopping two of them down on me -- one on each cheek.  It was freezing cold, but soothing at the same time.  I relaxed into a sleepy drowsy place and let the ice do its work.  After about 20 minutes, I took the ice off, and things seemed a little better. 

As the afternoon wore on; as I tried to go about the business of my day, the soreness returned along with a very raw surface sensation.  I began to fuss about the weight of my clothes on that abraded skin.  By mid-afternoon, I was certain that my but was oozing and weeping with drainage from the damaged skin.  It wasn't, but you could have fooled me.  The feel of my soft, knit leggings against the skin was agony, and at about 4:30 in the afternoon, I went and changed into some loose fitting, very light pajamas.  That was some better.  At least the fabric wasn't rubbing and sticking to my sore skin.

By late evening, when we were ready to sit down for dinner, I was miserable, and wondering if I'd be able to sit at the table.  He became concerned at that point and talked me into taking some medication for the pain.  I did do that and by the time we were ready for bed, I was more relaxed and able to get a decent night's sleep.  The next day, things were better -- more like what I usually expect. 

I don't know if this pair of spankings were just that much more intense, or if I am aging to the point where that level of intensity is more difficult, or if all the recent emotional upset made me more susceptible.  Whatever happened, I've never been so miserable following a spanking.  What a colossal wimp!

swan

1/04/2010

Socks -- An Unexpected Weight Loss Benefit

After all the angst and fuss of the laast couple of weeks -- something pretty pedestrian so that everyone can just breathe...


He has always worn Gold Toe brand support hose. They are a pretty premium men's sock, and they are made to provide some pretty intense compression. They are advertised for the treatment of varicose veins, edema, and post surgical circulatory support.


In the bad old days, before His bypass surgery, when He still weighed something over 300 pounds, when moving and bending were just too physically taxing for Him to attempt -- He'd pull those moster socks off and toss them in the hamper; always inside out. ALWAYS. It was just too difficult for Him to work them off His legs and off His feet without turning them completely inside out.

We'd do the laundry, and then there remained the chore of turning all those compression socks back right side out so they could be mated and put away. I know I never thought much about it. It just was the way it was.

Last weekend, wading through a pile of laundry, I got about 3/4 of the way through the pile of socks when it hit me -- they were all RIGHT SIDE OUT! Wow! Turns out that, having lost 142 pounds, taking off His socks is no longer a huge ordeal. He can easily slide them down and pull them off, and they almost always end up right side out.

I know it seems like a small thing. It is a small thing, but it is one more small and unexpected benefit from all the changes that we've been through.
 
swan

1/02/2010

Being "Safe"


I never thought much of the courage of a lion tamer. Inside the cage he is at least safe from people.
George Bernard Shaw

As long as I have been involved with the BDSM lifestyle and the BDSM community, I have heard people insist that the criteria for what it is that we all do is that it be deemed "safe, sane, and consensual (SSC)."  As far as I can tell, the phrase was first authored by David Stein who used it in a "minutes-like" bit of writing that he did for GMSMA in August of 1983.  Spend just a little time around BDSM folk, and the dissent about the meaning, interpretation, and use of that nearly ubiquitous catch phrase becomes apparent.  In more recent years, there has come to be an adherence by some to another prescriptive BDSM acronym -- RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink).  Gather a group of us together, and assuming we are diverted from tying each other up, or tickling each other, or modelling our fetish gear, or pushing needles into one another, or perhaps, even (in some more old-fashioned circles), beating the tar out of one another, we might argue the relative merits of the one over the other. 

I do not intend to get involved in that controversy here.  Instead, I want to talk plainly about the issue of "safety" within the lifestyle, and particularly within His and my M/s dynamic.  It is sensitive territory, and as a community, we are often reluctant to address it clearly.  I imagine that reluctance stems from the complexity of defining what is and is not "safe" in some sort of universally applicable fashion, but I also believe that (unless I am more unique than I believe myself to be), for many of us who live this lifestyle, there may be actual instances in our own lives when we've been confronted with a personal absence of anything resembling "safety."  Since we all live in a society that is prone to view what we do as abusive even in its most benign manifestations, the mere implication that we sometimes relate to one another in ways that are NOT SAFE takes us into difficult conversational territory.

I once had a more experienced submissive tell me that what we do is NOT safe.  Period.  She advised me to forget about whether something was safe, and consider the level of risk that I was willing to accommodate.  I think that advice is probably appropriate for most play situations, especially between partners who know one another fairly well.  I also think that there are things that individuals can do as they move about in the community, to make themselves more safe.  There is good and sound thinking behind practices like meeting new people in public places, and arranging for safe calls and silent alarms and the like.  Prudence is just prudent. 

In my own life, however, there is only a very small percentage of the time that could be considered "play."  Our kind of SM play is a pretty well known quantity, and He is very experienced and technically skilled.  I am more than clear about what the risks are in that context, and while I may struggle to endure what He can dish out, it isn't anything that I'd consider to be "not safe."  I'm not meeting new, strange play partners anywhere, public or otherwise.  There's really no need for me to be setting up a friend to be my "safe call."  I am fully aware of what I'm about, and for that matter, what He's about.  I've consented as whole-heartedly as I know how.  As for the quality of my sanity, that is perhaps debatable, but it is what it is.

With all of that said, what we do is not safe.  What WE do -- is not safe.  WE.  He and I.  The intensity of our power dynamic creates a potential powder keg, and when we miss the signals with one another; when one or the other of us loses the sense of balance; when we get crosswise with one another -- it can get pretty wild.  Wild things are not predictable, not definable, not safe.

During this latest upheaval, there was a passage of minutes -- a very short time, when I believed with absolute certainty that I was not safe.  In fact, I am certain that I was an eyeblink from being dead, and I am convinced that He was ready, willing, and able to make that a reality.  The details of that particular event are private, and I will not share them.  Nor do I believe that the specifics really matter.  It happened.  I reacted.  He reacted.  We each made our choices about how we would go forward from there.  I am not remotely interested in assigning blame or getting even or discussing the ethics of it all.  I simply point out the fact so that when I discuss safety here, people will understand my perspective.

Ours is a total power exchange dynamic.  It has very few of the usual trappings -- He doesn't micromanage, and I have a fair amount of apparent leeway, but I am His, and there is no leeway in that at all.  It isn't always fair.  It is deliberately unequal.  He is a good and wise man, but He is human and He has limits and even His share of human failings.  Pushed too far, He is a dangerous man.  He loves me completely, but I am a handful, and if there is anyone on the planet that CAN push His buttons, I am probably that person.  Usually, it is all fine, and we balance the energy and power between us without a hitch.

But it is not safe. 

People often argue against the "truthfulness" of Master/slave relationships by positing that there must ultimately be limits.  The contention is that there are things that a Master could do that would "break the deal."  "Surely," these folks argue, "you wouldn't stay if He wanted to actually harm you, or maybe even KILL you?"  And if you would leave, in that event, then it must be that your dynamic is imaginary -- pretend, all a game. 

Except that sometimes, even when it does get to those extreme edges, the relationship endures.  I can't explain why that is true.  I can't discern the narrrow edge where I tread between "not safe" and "abusive."  I cannot find words to tell the story of how it is possible for me to believe that He intended to cause my death in one instant, and loved me entirely and desperately in that same instant.  There is no safety when one encounters the truly wild in oneself or in another.  That wild, primal, instinctive "other" is both beautiful and exciting. 

I'd sooner die living closely with His wildness than live a long, long life in some sort of cosseted and stultifying "safety." 

swan

1/01/2010

Mapping The Awful Darkness

Don't let a past you can't change write your future script. - Dr. Morris Massey


I’ve been thinking, a lot, about what exactly happened to me over the last few days and weeks. How is it that my thinking and feeling; my self-concept became so tangled in a negative feedback loop that I broke apart into an emotional shatter? I do understand that I’m not any sort of professionally trained expert on the human psyche, and further, I realize that if I were a professional, I’d be foolish to diagnose my own mental maladies. I am, however, always intrigued by the workings of my mind, and I am particularly curious about the pathways that I followed into this particular mental thicket.

In the post I wrote in the midst of our recent relational crisis, I referenced the fact that I’d recently been reading a book about current thinking in the catholic church, and that I had experienced a significant and increasing level of agitation and anxiety as my reading continued. As I’ve calmed down, and had a bit of time to look back, I am convinced that, along with feeling stressed, tired, and strung out, the ideas that I subjected myself to through that reading invaded my consciousness, and tipped me into a near breakdown.

I was raised Catholic. My father was Catholic by birth, although for much of my childhood, he did not practice. We attended church regularly, and my brothers and I were all carefully taught the various bits and pieces of the catholic faith, but my father did not take part in the sacramental life of the church to which he was born and in which he, himself, was raised. His alienation from the catholic church derived from his marriage to my mother. She was not catholic, and in their time, marrying “out of the church” was cause for a major sanction within that faith community. For all of that, my parents were united in their determination to raise us in the faith. My brothers and I all attended catholic school, graduating one after the other, from 8th grade before moving on into the public educational system My mother, converted to Catholicism when I was in my teens, and from that point forward, our family was actively and ubiquitously engaged and involved in our local catholic parish.

I remember being a very spiritually skeptical child; wondering about some of what I was taught at church even when I was a very young nine or ten years of age. On the other hand, there were parts of the ritual and pageantry of catholic practice that appealed to me as a child. I still love the sound and resonance of hymns played on a massive organ in a huge vaulted church. When the darkness of winter impinges, I find myself charmed and enchanted by the symbolism of the advent wreath. It was all a kaleidoscope of imagery and sound and sensory input, accompanied by intensive indoctrination, and it was the air I breathed and the sea in which I swam as I grew up.

Research by Sociologist Morris Massey, suggests that there are 4 major periods that a person will go through in the creation of values and personality. During Basic Programming we soak up everything, and largely without any filters. We may not have the ability to determine the difference between useful and un-useful information at this stage of development. From age 0-7, we undergo an Imprint Period. Like a sponge; we pick up and store everything that goes on around us. It’s imprinted into us. The Modeling Period from ages 8 to 13 is when we begin to consciously and unconsciously model and mimic the basic behaviors and values of other people. Massey’s research suggests that our major values about life are picked up during this period, and our values are based on where we were and what was happening in the world at that time. During the Socialization Period from ages 14 to 21, a young person picks up relationship and social values, most of which will be used throughout the rest of her life. By age 21 the formation of core values is just about complete and will not change unless a significant emotional event occurs. Famously, according to Massey, “What You Are Is Where You Were When.”


Coming of age in that very catholic culture, I made choices as a young woman that could have all been predicted. I reached the age of sexual maturity with an absolute minimum of useful information, and not a single effective strategy for maintaining the virginity that was so highly valued by the church. I chose a partner who was "a good catholic boy," but without much in the way of personal initiative.  Finding myself pregnant at the age of 19, there was no question that I would marry the father of my child. In less than two years, I was transformed from naïve young girl to wife and mother to two young children. I was officially entered into the club for those of us who had “fallen short,” and so there was never any conversation or acknowledgement of just how my marital status had come to pass. I was enough of a product of my culture to “buy” the general consensus about my character and moral standing. Shame became part of who I was.

When we talk about “culture” in the context of our social life together, we mean the total way of life of a group of people. Culture includes everything that a group of people thinks, says, does, and makes. For those who live in the west, and particularly in the US, a good part of our shared culture is tied to values, beliefs, and assumptions of the Christian faith. Even for those who are not observant, there are shared cultural norms that are largely unexamined. To understand how this works, take a look at the list that follows. It was compiled by Dr. Lewis Z. Schlosser (of Seton Hall University) who’s research into the intersection of race, religion, and ethnicity is focused on antisemitism and identity development. Dr. Schlosser is interested in understanding and dismantling the unearned benefits afforded to Christians in the United States. Part of his work includes a compilation of Christian Privilege (modeled after similar efforts to identify the elements of White Privilege and Male Privilege in our culture):

1. I can be sure to hear music on the radio and watch specials on television that celebrate the holidays of my religion.


2. I can be sure that my holy day (Sunday) is taken into account when states pass laws (e.g., the sale of liquor) and when retail stores decide their hours (e.g., on Saturdays, they are open about 12 hours; on Sundays, they are closed or open for only a few hours).


3. I can assume that I will not have to work or go to school on my significant religious holidays.


4. I can be financially successful and not have people attribute that to the greed of my religious group.


5. I can be sure that when told about the history of civilization, I am shown people of my religion who made it what it is.


6. I do not need to educate my children to be aware of religious persecution for their own daily physical and emotional protection.


7. I can write an article about Christian privilege without putting my own religion on trial.


8. My religious group gives me little fear about ignoring the perspectives and powers of people of other religions.


9. I do not need to worry about the ramifications of disclosing my religious identity to others.


10. I can easily find academic courses and institutions that give attention only to people of my religion.


11. I can worry about religious privilege without being seen as self-interested or self-seeking.


12. I can be sure that when my children make holiday crafts, they will bring home artistic symbols of the Christian religion (e.g., Easter bunny, Christmas tree).


13. I am never asked to speak for all the people of my religious group.


14. I can, if I wish, arrange to be in the company of people of my religion most of the time.


15. I can do well in a challenging situation without being called a “credit to my religion” or being singled out as being different from other members of my religious group.


16. I can, if I wish to identify myself, safely identify as Christian without fear of repercussions or prejudice because of my religious identity.


17. I can be sure that my children will be given curricular materials that testify to the existence and importance of the Christian religion.


18. I can protect my children from people who are religiously different from them.


19. I can have a “Jesus is Lord” bumper sticker or Icthus (Christian fish) on my car and not worry about someone vandalizing my car because of it.


20. I can buy foods (e.g., in grocery store, at restaurants) that fall within the scope of the rules of my religious group.


21. I can travel and be sure to find a comparable place of worship when away from my home community.


22. I can be sure that if I need legal or medical help, my religion will not work against me.


23. I can be sure when I hear someone in the media talking about g-d that they are talking about my (the Christian) g-d.


24. I can be fairly sure that if I ask to talk to the “person in charge,” I will be facing a person of my religion.


25. I can be sure that people are knowledgeable about the holidays in my religion and will greet me with the appropriate holiday greeting (e.g., Merry Christmas).


26. I can remain oblivious to the language and customs of other religious groups without feeling any penalty for such a lack of interest and/or knowledge.


27. I can display a Christmas tree and/or hang holly leaves in my home without worrying about my home being vandalized because of my religious identification.


28. I can be fairly sure that some hate group does not exist whose goal is to eradicate my religious group from the planet.

Those assumptions are everywhere.  We all live with those cultural norms, whatever our beliefs, and I lived within that culture, with very little thought, for a very great many years. I struggled within myself, with drives and needs and fantasies that were definitely outside those boundaries, and I knew that it was ME that was wrong and bad. It never once occurred to me, in all those many years, that it might be possible to view all of life, and especially my own orientation, through some different lens – use a different set of filters and measures. When I did finally discover that there was another culture, however alternative, that understood and accepted my sexual and erotic nature as healthy and positive and perfectly OK, I was amazed, stunned, and utterly bedazzled. Different cultures value different things.

Officially, culture shock is the disorientation experienced when learning to live with a new culture and customs. Culture shock isn't a clinical term or medical condition. It's simply a common way to describe the confusing and nervous feelings a person may have after leaving a familiar culture to live in a new and different culture. Culture Shock is the reaction of your mind and body to the change from a familiar environment to another environment that is unknown. In your own culture, you know the language, all the ways a person behaves in different situations, the non-verbal behaviors, the values, and the ways of reasoning. You are able to do things automatically and without thinking. For example, you know how to greet someone on the street, how to answer the telephone, how to dress for different occasions, and how to ask for assistance if you need any. In a foreign culture, you do not have any of this knowledge. You have to think about how to do the smallest thing. That can be exciting and stimulating (and people who immerse themselves in a new culture often experience a “honeymoon period” of great intensity, but it can also be overwhelming because basic beliefs about good and bad are deeply rooted.

Some of the physical symptoms of culture shock include sleep disturbances and changes in appetite. A person suffering from culture shock may experience frequent minor illnesses and ailments like upset stomach and headaches. Psychologically, culture shock can lead to feelings of loneliness or boredom, homesickness, helplessness, dependence, irritability and hostility. Culture shock can cause a person to withdraw socially and rebel against rules and authority. Sufferers from culture shock may feel out of control, may feel unimportant. They may cry a whole lot. Yes, yes, yes, yes… just mark me off for a bunch of “yeses” on that list.

Surely, I’m no “newbie” to the BDSM culture. It isn’t like I haven’t learned much of what I need to know to function and thrive in my “new” cultural home. No doubt, I and we are well past the honeymoon phase. I think, I smashed into a perfect storm emotionally over the last month or so. We’d come through a phenomenally difficult year, capped off by the most recent medical emergencies for Master, and all of us were exhausted. We’d experienced a huge disruption in our dynamic, not unexpected, but stressful nonetheless, and things had yet to return to our version of “normal.” My travel, scheduled long before the medical crisis occurred created another instance for stress and alienation, and emotional disorientation. Then, I made the mistake of immersing myself, intellectually, in the language and cultural lingo of my childhood. With my internal defenses at low ebb, I fell under the onslaught of “old” thinking, and found myself living with two opposing cultural paradigms in my one mind. The cacophony grew and grew and echoed. Awake or asleep, I never found any place to be at peace with the conflicting messages. Arriving home, two days before Christmas, I was swept into our annual holiday marathon. There was no time to settle, no time to get my feet down, to time to talk (assuming I’d been coherent enough to parse what was going on for me).

Ultimately, all of that boiled over with a violence that must have seemed completely stunning to Master and to T, and to you, my friends. I stunned myself with the intensity of my reactions, my wildness, my panic. Imagine some wild creature, backed up with no place to run, snarling and lashing out – that was me. Having come through the storm, I am chagrined at what I created. I am anxious to find some set of patterns, some path, some magic mantra that will keep me safe in the future. I never want to go there again. Ever.

swan