Talk About It!

We finally got a bit of time to play this morning. Life has gotten so complicated that our once sure thing -- playing on weekend mornings -- has become much more iffy. I am no longer ever sure that we really will find time to spank and make love on the weekends...

Today, He decided that He wanted me in bed, over the pillow. We've gotten away from that position in the last few months as we've become enamored with the leather sofa and positions either over His knee or over the arm of that sofa. For me, the advantage to playing on the bed is that I am securely supported there. I never have to struggle to feel balanced or safe from sliding/falling off. It is a comfortable position. On the down side, it feels more isolated. There is less contact between us, and I can get to feeling like I am completely on my own for coping and staying in place.

Anyway, I was just glad to play, and was happy to grab the pillow and get myself into position. He is a lot more mobile these days, and way more physically capable. He was everywhere, moving around the bed, playing with knives on my skin, tickling my feet with the sharp point of His blade. I think that having me over the pillow gives Him more freedom in choice of implements than the OTK position, and it seemed to me like He was using a whole group of paddles and a couple of pretty intense straps.

I was distressed to find that there seemed to be one spot that He would hit every so often, just at the top of my pelvis and just off to the left side, which would send shooting pains down my leg and up my spine. It was like every stroke was firing a rocket up my back to explode at the base of my skull. It happened once, and I shrieked. A second hit in the same spot had me gasping for breath and struggling to hold on, and then He hit it again. It finally dawned on me that there was a problem, and that it wasn't related to the pain of the spanking -- it was something much more intense, and perhaps more serious.

I've written before about the thinking in our dynamic about the purpose and use of safe words. He is adamant that a safe word is to be used to keep me safe, and that if there is a situation that is unsafe, then I am required to let Him know that immediately.

Now, the truth is that we do not have any kind of formal safe word. There is no fancy phrase that clues Him in that I am in trouble somehow -- no "purple monkeys are nibbling on my toes, Sir" silliness. We don't even use the very common public dungeon signal system of "red" and "yellow." Horrors!

So, when I understood that there was something unusual and out of the ordinary happening when He hit that spot, I just told Him about it. Simple. "There is something wrong and when You hit that spot, Sir, it shoots fire up my spine and down my leg." he was immediately solictious, and stopped to find out more about what was happening and where it was exactly, and if there was anything painful that was not related to those exact and intermittent strokes. When I told Him , "no," He resumed His play, but was scrupulous about avoiding the area that I had indicated was a problem. We finished our session just fine, and I've had no problem at all during a very busy day.

I know that there must be agreements about how and when safe words are used by those who play together casually; who do not know one another well, but when the relationship is as long-standing as ours is, there is a very simple way to handle "issues" in the middle of a session -- just talk about it.

swan

Safe Words

Morningstar wrote recently about the place of safe words, and the whole BDSM slogan of SSC (safe, sane, and consensual). Her ponderings on the topic were triggered (at least in part) by kaya's recent experiences and her discussion of the lack of safe words within her relationship.

As I have followed the conversation, I've been made aware (again) of the philosophy regarding "safety" and the practice regarding safe words in our relationship.

First with regard to the general issue of safety, all of us believe and that those who participate in the lifestyle should pay attention to issues of safety, and that individuals must be responsible for ensuring their own safety. When we encounter people who are first reaching out to others and meeting relative or TOTAL strangers for the purpose of engaging in BDSM, we encourage, and even harp upon the use of common safety procedures and practices -- like safe calls. We have served as the safe call on more than one occasion, and YES we have called the police when a pre-arranged safe call did not come as scheduled.


Safe words are another practice that engenders a great deal of discussion among lifestyle practitioners. There are surely commonly understood protocols and widely taught procedures around how safe words work. We know all the "accepted" safe word theories and practices. We don't follow the "rules."

For us, the use of safe words is very clearly defined. I am expected, and even required, to safe word -- IF there is anything happening that is unsafe. The definition is very clear. Unsafe would be some condition that would threaten my health or well-being. So, if I am having chest pains or trouble breathing, or serious unusual or unexplained numbness, or a loss of vision, -- I better be making that clear to Him immediately. He absolutely demands that in a situation where my actual "safety" is jeopardized, I have the obligation and requirement to make sure He knows about it.

In His view, and hence, in mine, the fact that something He is doing hurts, or that I am panicked, frightened, angry, resentful, or just not in the mood, do not constitute safety issues. Any move on my part to end or control a session under those circumstances, results in immediate and convincing corrective measures. I don't get to grab the control in that fashion. It simply is not allowed. Safe words are to ensure my safety. Period.

I believe that, if I were allowed to pull that sort of power grab, I very likely would -- at least sometimes. It is not all that uncomon for me to feel pushed beyond what would feel like MY limits in a session. If I were given the freedom to make the call, I'd most likely call it off, and so miss out on the chance to go the distance and find myself on the other side. That would be a pity.

In actual practice, I very seldom find myself in any distress that He doesn't already recognize. I can, and have, asked for His indulgence if I find myself dealing with circumstances that are not "life-threatening" but are causing me distress. So for example, since getting my "old, creaky" frame arranged as it needs to be is not as easy as it once was, He may slow down and wait while I arrange or rearrange. Sometimes, He will allow me extra time, or take a break while I work out a cramp. Those kinds of situations are not my call -- I may ask but I don't control the situation. He deals with whatever information I might give Him in those instances as He will.

I know that there are many who always play with safe words. We do play in public venues where there are accepted norms for how and what works as a safe word. For those who are "new" and "exploring" and possibly playing with multiple partners, it probably makes sense to have some sort of understanding about communicating things like "continue" and "stop" and "slow down" -- especially in cases where the power dynamic is still in the formative stage. It just isn't our way.