Is He...?

I've been writing about our lives and our dynamic for over two years now, here and at The Swan's Heart (my earlier blog). I've poured out torrents of words about Him and about me and about us. In all of that, I feel that people would have some sense of how we are together. Of course, not everyone reads this, or has followed from the beginning, and the words only give snapshot views.



I don't talk with a lot of outsiders about my life. I'm pretty "normal" looking (I think). I don't maintain an enourmous online correspondence, and I am seldom in contact with people I don't know well online. Still every now and then, I'll get started into a conversation with someone new, and that almost always brings up a series of questions. Some of them are predictable as I describe the nature of my life and relationship.



People almost always wonder how our dynamics work, especially in terms of our polyamory. It reinforces my belief that there are very few who actually DO what we do and make it happen with any degree of intention and success. We are as rare as hen's teeth. I can tell that simply by the kind of reactions I get when I describe our family. I'm accustomed to fielding those questions and they really don't stop me or slow me down. I know how to help people understand what our family is like and how we work.



The question that I have been getting more often in recent weeks or months, and which I'm finding that I just have never contemplated before is one that goes something like, "Is your Master very strict?" I find that the question leaves me sitting looking at the computer screen, blinking stupidly, like an owl hit with a searchlight out of the darkness.



I think I do not understand what it is that the question implies. It causes me to want to ask, "what do you mean, strict?"



I think that "strict" is perhaps situational. And relational. And a matter of taste.



I've said it before. Ours is not a Master/slave dynamic that is steeped in formal rituals and protocols. We recognize that there are those who practice those disciplines. We do not. So, I do not, for example, kneel to serve His drinks, or ask permission to speak, or routinely address Him as "Sir." He is not "strict" in that sense. These are not routines or protocols that He finds useful or appropriate to His or our life together, and so He does not require them (although He most certainly could do so).



Likewise, He does not engage in the business of setting out "tasks" for me or for T. He does not feel that I need to be "reminded" of my submission to Him with a list of things to do each day from Him. He expects that I am submissive to Him and that I will remember that regardless of where I am or what I am doing, and that I will handle myself and all my work/activities in a way that honors that reality. Again, others practice differently, and He could decree a different approach at any time. This is the norm for us as of now.



He expects that things will be done in His household as He likes them to be done, and that He will not need to have to expend energy to make that happen. He expects that T and I will take care of His needs and His desires and that will happen smoothly and seamlessly for His comfort and happiness. He wants that done without His needing to intervene whenever possible. We do that without His direction, and mostly without His noticing -- except to be glad and grateful.



He is "strict" in terms of SM play. He wants my submission to be complete, and my behavior to be completely within the boundaries that He defines in that realm. There, we do have clearly defined rituals and protocols that we do observe, and which are not "bendable." And, the level of formality intensifies if we are in a "public" setting as opposed to playing at home. I suppose some would say that, in this area of our relationship, He is "strict."



So, I don't know. When I think about things, there are all kinds of little things that are simply part of my life that might seem "strict" to an outsider. I call Him when I arrive at work, and again when I leave. I never go anywhere without telling Him where I am going and where I am and when I will be home. I don't turn on the radio or the TV in the house when He is there, and I don't turn them off -- and I never make a channel change (we watch or listen to what He chooses). I check with Him about what He would like to have prepared for dinner each day. I keep Him notified of all my appointments and make sure He knows about my work calendar. To me, those things are not "strict," they are parts of being connected and cared for by Him. They are how my life has worked for a very long time.



When I tell Him about these questions, He responds that there is no need for Him to be "strict" with me because I'm not "bad." That's another realm I suppose. The issue of behavior management and self-management. I understand that it is my responsibility to be for Him, and to not require Him to put energy into my slavery. I do know that He has the right to mold my behavior in any way that suits His taste, but my slavery is not dependent on His pouring energy into it. When "bad" behavior on my part requires Him to react to me in affirmative or intensively "strict" ways, that has created a deficit that detracts from our life together. That is not a condition that I seek to create on an ongoing basis.



So, "strict" is an interesting question. I am not sure that, when the question is posed to me that I know how to interpret it. I think it means many things to many people. I think that people hear that I am "slave," and envision a life that is restricted and constrained and enormously limited. That is not the way that I experience my life. Slavery is, for me, the expression of my self and my love and my highest truth. It is freeing and joyous and connecting. Somehow, "strict" does not go with that...



swan