I've settled down emotionally since my start of abstinence this morning when I posted our plan. I am doing just fine, and following the plan with relatively little difficulty, and beginning to actually feel excited to think "I can do this." Perhaps we've turned a page here.
I haven't felt very proud of my self the last week. Having your well whipped ass depicted on the Internet (kind of the cyber version of having to stand in the corner with your pants down after a punishment spanking) is, to say the least, not necessarily a big self-concept enhancer, even if it is way effective as an additional ratcheting up of the effectiveness of a punishment.
I want to say though how tremendously proud I am and grateful to all of those who have commented here and supported us as we have come through this rather difficult passage. You have, everyone of you, been thoughtful, articulate, respectful (even those who felt a need to be confrontive did that respectfully), and very caring. I have been pretty self-absorbed and pretty emotional over the last week and haven't responded individually to all of you who have commented here and/or sent private email. I am so proud of the way The Heron Clan readership community has engaged with us during this time, and I am deeply impressed at how skillfully and supportively this circle of readers has contributed to help us reach a point that feels now like we may be on the road to successfully accomplishing significant change from where we were........where I was,,,,,,,,,when this began.
Of course, too, it cannot go without saying how proud of and grateful I am to swan and t for putting up with me, pushing firmly to see that this vision of way moderated drinking in the interest of protecting my health came to fruition, supporting me, loving me even when I wasn't very lovable, and following through to blister my ass when that was called for (boy did swan give me the most severe spanking/whipping I've ever had...........where did she learn to be such a corporal disciplinarian:)
All of you have propelled me forward to the point where I now feel motivated to implement what I feel is a very positive plan from the bottom of my heart and from the bottom of my bottom:)
Thank you all,
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
9/07/2010
The Plan
When last we left you here we were in rest, recover, and decide how to go forward mode. That we have decided. The Plan is as follows, at least for now. Each week Monday through Friday evening I will abstain from alcohol. I may still consume the sugar free peppermint schnapps concoction that helps me when I have serious nausea (an on-going problem for those of us who have gastric bypass surgery altered physiology.) If I abstain as laid out I may drink moderately Friday, Saturday, and Sunday evenings including wine with dinner and moderate drinking after dinner. If I fail to observe the abstinence period then I lose the privilege of moderate drinking the following weekend. There may be loosening of these restrictions at holidays and special occasions.
Each day I abstain will save us about $10.00 in expense in cost for wine and liquor. We will deposit that $10.00 in my IRA guaranteed 3% interest accumulation account to accumulate funds for us to use at Christmas.
Today is my first day of abstinence. I am not at all in a good place about this. At this point this feels like just another huge loss in the aftermath of a year of terrible losses. I hope I get through this one.
Tom
Who is neither confident or pursuing a dream at this point.
Each day I abstain will save us about $10.00 in expense in cost for wine and liquor. We will deposit that $10.00 in my IRA guaranteed 3% interest accumulation account to accumulate funds for us to use at Christmas.
Today is my first day of abstinence. I am not at all in a good place about this. At this point this feels like just another huge loss in the aftermath of a year of terrible losses. I hope I get through this one.
Tom
Who is neither confident or pursuing a dream at this point.
9/05/2010
Three Steps Forward Then One Back
Last night, an evening that began well, went straight to hell when I drank too much and became an uncontrollable, belligerent, argumentative jerk. I am determined not to do this again, and that resolve is bolstered by the experience I insisted swan inflict this morning depicted below. To say we are all discouraged and saddened is understatement.
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Clearly, this is not going to be a simple or straightforward path. Just as we felt we might be moving in a positive direction, things went south as Master decided (for whatever reason -- or perhaps no reason at all) to simply throw all the guidelines and limits aside and drink way more than is healthy or sensible last evening. The result of that was entirely predictable, and the outcome was no surprise -- although knowing it is coming doesn't make it any easier to deal with in the event. When all the smoke cleared; when I finally got Him settled into bed; when the two of us fell into an exhausted and troubled sleep; the heartbreak was palpable. The bright, sunny September dawn seemed a cruel mockery this morning.
As to the agreed upon corporal punishment, I was adamant that it was unnecessary -- clearly there was no agreement in place, so no need to correct anything. He was insistent that the egregious behavior of the night before not go unpunished. Ultimately, He is still Master, and so I did as He directed. When it was done, He was devastated, and I was physically ill. We've been quiet this afternoon -- working to regroup and recover a bit; gentle and tentative with one another. We are sad, but looking at how we might begin again.
swan
9/04/2010
A Tribute To My Swan
To say it has been an intense week at The Heron Clan. Would be ridiculous understatement. We are grappling and struggling with a beast of a problem that is embodied in me but that effects all three of us. I have been punished severely. swan has done that, and not without paying a price emotionally and spiritually. Last night and today she is clearly exhausted. Of course this whole process has evolved as she is returning to her first week of school, in Cincinnati heat which was in the mid 90's F all of last week. She has been admirable in the ruthlessness of her severity, and in the supportiveness of her counseling me and supporting me to be as transitional as I can be to my/our new behavior goals. She has loved me and supported me throughout ( as much as one can support someone while they are hiding them.) I have tried to be supportive of her when I was cognizant and not in the grips of the addiction I am grappling with. This is for me a momentous statement. It is the first time I have owned my having an addiction (other than spanking:) We are in flux. We are revising our goals for next week to encompass greater change (less or no drinking by me during the day on week days). We will have those limits defined by Tuesday when she returns to work at the end of the Labor Day holiday here in the U, S.
This has been very hard for me. I am the beneficiary in terms of my long term health. Sue has had a harder row to hoe, in my mind and her benefits have been more indirect.
swan I thank you for undertaking to do this, knowing full well I demanded it of you. This has been tough for us all, but uniquely tough for you. I love you and honor you for your strength. I forgive you for not knowing where my ass was when you punished me, knowing you may have chosen the areas around it for punishment knowing they hurt more. Please, if in this process you have to whip me again avoid my off hip. I no longer have padding there and I fear the effects of that bruising which is still severe after quite a while. Blistering my ass which is much more well padded will punish me extremely but do less, and shorter-lived injury.
Thank you for undertaking to do my bidding to discipline me about getting this problem behavior, with health consequences for me, and for our family, under control. You are serving me well and supporting me in dealing with a significant behavior for my/and our family's well-being.
I love you and thank you,
Mine Always and All Ways,
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
This has been very hard for me. I am the beneficiary in terms of my long term health. Sue has had a harder row to hoe, in my mind and her benefits have been more indirect.
swan I thank you for undertaking to do this, knowing full well I demanded it of you. This has been tough for us all, but uniquely tough for you. I love you and honor you for your strength. I forgive you for not knowing where my ass was when you punished me, knowing you may have chosen the areas around it for punishment knowing they hurt more. Please, if in this process you have to whip me again avoid my off hip. I no longer have padding there and I fear the effects of that bruising which is still severe after quite a while. Blistering my ass which is much more well padded will punish me extremely but do less, and shorter-lived injury.
Thank you for undertaking to do my bidding to discipline me about getting this problem behavior, with health consequences for me, and for our family, under control. You are serving me well and supporting me in dealing with a significant behavior for my/and our family's well-being.
I love you and thank you,
Mine Always and All Ways,
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
9/03/2010
His Way -- My Way
In our usual dynamic, He is entirely Dominant and inclined to be sadistic. It isn't His "role;" it is His persona. Conversely, with Him, I am submissive and masochistic. I don't have to think about that -- it is who I am.
Long ago, very early in our beginning days, He insisted that we switch. It wasn't an easy thing for me to learn to do. I didn't find it technically difficult, but I had a very limited and rigid view of how the Dominance/submission dynamic ought to work, and like many others, I was convinced that switching roles would undermine the primary dynamic.
Master was, in those days, inclined to believe that Dominance and submission were different ends of a continuum. He would argue that the essential character traits that people associate with Dominance and submission (honesty, courage, openness, respect) were shared -- and only manifest in different ways. I remember listening to that line of reasoning and thinking, "OK. Maybe -- but maybe not. It doesn't feel that way to me. Sir."
In the intervening eight years, we've settled in He and I. In spite of all the challenges that life has thrown our way, the dynamic between us has been a constant, steady, reliable foundational reality. I've been slave and He's been Master -- always and all ways; whatever else came our way.
He's a very focused, very natural, very sure Dominant. He likes what He likes, and He expects to have that provided easily and smoothly without much effort on His part. He very much associates being Dominant with being sadistic, and His clear and unshakable belief is that discipline and corporal punishment go hand in hand. In His view, and practice, punishment is an intense and not very nuanced event. He does not hesitate to spank severely for perceived behavioral infractions, and doing that gets Him hard.
I live and love as the opposite half of that power dynamic; submitting to His will and His direction in my life. Submission is something that I do and practice with intent. I expect to be obedient. I expect to be respectful. I expect to be of service to Him. I expect to be honest and open and straightforward. I hate the mere suggestion that I might be topping from the bottom or manipulating Him, and I studiously avoid bratting. I endeavor to behave like a mature woman, and I want Him to be proud of me. If I get into the sort of headspace that causes me to want SM play, I ask for what I want. I've told scores of newbies to the lifestyle that it is simple: submissives submit. It isn't just a throwaway line for me. It is how I try to live my life.
He and I are as human as anyone. Like most other people, we tend to believe that the way we see our reality is THE WAY IT IS. It never occurs to Him that there is some other way to BE Dominant, and I am sure that He just assumes that when I take on the Dominant role, I will do it like Him (only different). Likewise, I just assume that He understands and appreciates the way I do submission, and that since that is true, He'll just naturally do it the same way (only different) when we switch.
As we've actually done some serious disciplinary switching in the last few days, I've been pretty shocked to find that He doesn't submit like me even a little bit. He whines and wheedles and stomps His feet and storms around slamming doors and kicking things. He swears and calls names and insults me in a dozen different ways. He is disrespectful and manipulative. Frankly, He's impossible, and I know there is no way on Earth that He'd put up with any of that behavior from me -- not for two minutes. In the midst of the battling, I have found myself thinking, "What the hell is wrong with Him? Doesn't He know that He's supposed to be SUBMISSIVE!??!?" And, interestingly, even as I've wrestled with my own cognitive dissonance over His utterly unsubmissive behavior, I've noticed that He keeps pushing on me, trying to get me to Dominate Him the way He would dominate me. It is His own private BDSM role : The Dominant submissive.
In the last two days there has been a complete reversal of this behavior. He has been respectful, grateful and pleasant where he was previously defiant and passive aggressive. He is clearly upset and suffering from the punishments he has received at my hand, but clearly too that, plus his character, is coming into play and things have changed 180 degrees from what I described in the last paragraph. We are both working to make this a continuing process, but I/we are determined too that if there is back sliding there will be even more severe consequences.
BTW it is clear to us that there is no erotically sadomasochistic dynamic in the corpoal punishment we have done with this. He is more than capable of bottoming erotically, but this discipline has created nothing but suffering and trauma for us both.
The whole business has had my head spinning. Especially when early on He got going on the "you're in charge, so whatever you decide" refrain while simultaneously undermining every single move I made toward taking control of Him or the situation or just about anything. I have to be obedient to His will -- and that means I have to take control -- and that makes Him immediately anxious -- and that results in Him trying to control my Dominance of Him -- and that makes me alternatively laugh and then want to smack Him.
YIKES! No wonder I fall exhausted into bed every single night.
swan
9/02/2010
Butt Pictures -- A Different View
We've written, in the last days, about our efforts to manage Master's use of alcohol. We've turned to our power exchange dynamic, switching the balance, to allow me to act in the role of disciplinarian as a support to His efforts.
It has not been a smooth process, and He has fought and raged and violated the various limits that I've imposed. He's been furiously angry with me, not understanding ( in the grip of one drink too many) why He couldn't have what He wanted when He wanted it.
As our agreement has specified, I have imposed limits, endured His stormy moods, and then implemented the agreed upon disciplinary spankings when the circumstances have warranted that.
I am not, by my nature, sadistic, and not inclined to be harshly toppy. To inflict real, serious pain on this Man that I love is very difficult. With that understood, I can become a seriously effective and determined disciplinarian if I need to do that. I don't enjoy doing it, and so my entire focus, in the event, is to ensure that it does not need to be repeated more than once or twice. If you are going to earn corporal punishment from me, then I will make sure that you don't seek to repeat the experience.
Lest anyone doubt the fact, here are photos, taken this afternoon, of the bruises and welts still apparent on His butt. Even at one and two days out; even with some pretty significant applications of arnica, the bruising and welting is still quite apparent. He keeps telling me that His butt hurts. Seeing the damage I've inflicted, I am not at all surprised. Nor am I surprised that He is intent on avoiding further discipline at my hand.
swan
It has not been a smooth process, and He has fought and raged and violated the various limits that I've imposed. He's been furiously angry with me, not understanding ( in the grip of one drink too many) why He couldn't have what He wanted when He wanted it.
As our agreement has specified, I have imposed limits, endured His stormy moods, and then implemented the agreed upon disciplinary spankings when the circumstances have warranted that.
I am not, by my nature, sadistic, and not inclined to be harshly toppy. To inflict real, serious pain on this Man that I love is very difficult. With that understood, I can become a seriously effective and determined disciplinarian if I need to do that. I don't enjoy doing it, and so my entire focus, in the event, is to ensure that it does not need to be repeated more than once or twice. If you are going to earn corporal punishment from me, then I will make sure that you don't seek to repeat the experience.
Lest anyone doubt the fact, here are photos, taken this afternoon, of the bruises and welts still apparent on His butt. Even at one and two days out; even with some pretty significant applications of arnica, the bruising and welting is still quite apparent. He keeps telling me that His butt hurts. Seeing the damage I've inflicted, I am not at all surprised. Nor am I surprised that He is intent on avoiding further discipline at my hand.
swan
Anger When Confronting Externally Imposed Limits
swan asked me this morning, in the chat that you can read here, to write about the anger I experienced two nights ago when she "called it" and said I could not have another drink. I had reached the limit that was healthy for me.
I don't know exactly what I can say about this that is insightful. She imposed the limit and I became enraged and simply nuts (totally demonstrating the wisdom of her decision, if not that she should have "called it" sooner). I was a completely abusive asshole. I have been severely whipped for it and we are going to have no further recurrences of this.
I was fine last night, especially in the aftermath of the research I did about the effects of alcohol after gastric bypass surgery which I have described here.
I have huge control issues. I am generally fiercely independent and hugely resistant and oppositional to anyone who tries to infringe on my volition and freedom. I think even though I had agreed to this, when swan imposed the limit I became very angry. I did not understand how alcohol was effecting me in my altered physiology, and I simply went off.
I am so sorry for the way I behaved. I deserved all the punishment you gave me and more. I demonstrated last night I can do so much better, and I am intent and determined to do that again tonight and every night from now on.
Thank you swan for helping me get to this point.
I love you and I am so grateful.
Mine Always and All Ways,
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
I don't know exactly what I can say about this that is insightful. She imposed the limit and I became enraged and simply nuts (totally demonstrating the wisdom of her decision, if not that she should have "called it" sooner). I was a completely abusive asshole. I have been severely whipped for it and we are going to have no further recurrences of this.
I was fine last night, especially in the aftermath of the research I did about the effects of alcohol after gastric bypass surgery which I have described here.
I have huge control issues. I am generally fiercely independent and hugely resistant and oppositional to anyone who tries to infringe on my volition and freedom. I think even though I had agreed to this, when swan imposed the limit I became very angry. I did not understand how alcohol was effecting me in my altered physiology, and I simply went off.
I am so sorry for the way I behaved. I deserved all the punishment you gave me and more. I demonstrated last night I can do so much better, and I am intent and determined to do that again tonight and every night from now on.
Thank you swan for helping me get to this point.
I love you and I am so grateful.
Mine Always and All Ways,
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
The Crucial New Information
As the post I wrote this morning said, yesterday's success in our quest for me to achieve alcoholic moderation was precipitated to a significant extent by my researching clinical studies about how patients who have undergone gastric bypass surgery react to drinking alcohol. It turns out I was misinformed. There was a colleague of mine who had undergone gastric bypass surgery about a year ahead of me. As I was making up my mind about deciding to have that surgery myself, I asked him about drinking after the surgery. He said it was fine, that the effects were somewhat more intense but that you would be completely sober 45 minutes later. This apparently was what his medical professionals told him. He, however, engages in behaviors (such as drinking carbonated beverages) which my folks tell me are totally verboten. So anyway...............I looked on line.
I was so upset. I'd been seriously and severely (and way deservedly I might add) whipped two nights in a row. My ass was sore (and hurts way more today) and had turned black in major regions. I was ashamed of how I was behaving and how I'd treated sue. So I decided maybe I could find information that could help me.
It turns out there is an overwhelming body of research on Rouen Y gastric bypass patients indicating that the effects of alcohol on them are greatly enhanced, and not only that but it takes way longer for them to return to sobriety after drinking than for people who are gastrointestinally normal. My god -- there is a reason for me to be struggling as I am/have! There really is an issue here. I am not just a crazy weakling! There are significant anecdotal reports of patients who, years after their surgeries, drank very small amounts alcohol, such as having two glasses of champagne in toasts of a child's wedding, and then being arrested for DUI, when a normal person would not have been seriously impaired:
I feel now like I know why I'm challenged by this and I know I really have an issue, and as we have had to adjust in so many ways to life afterbariatric surgery, now we have to make this adjustment.
I've been wildly successful -- off the charts wildly successful after my surgery. I've been the perfectly compliant patient.....or so I thought. It turns out that in my over-achiever mentality, I have been misinformed about this aspect and have blown it, I am not going to blow it any longer.
I have the two most wonderful loving women any man could ever have and I am going to make sure that I am healthy, able to enjoy them for a long time, and able to have our relationship intact, not fucked up by my drunkenness.
All the best,
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
I was so upset. I'd been seriously and severely (and way deservedly I might add) whipped two nights in a row. My ass was sore (and hurts way more today) and had turned black in major regions. I was ashamed of how I was behaving and how I'd treated sue. So I decided maybe I could find information that could help me.
It turns out there is an overwhelming body of research on Rouen Y gastric bypass patients indicating that the effects of alcohol on them are greatly enhanced, and not only that but it takes way longer for them to return to sobriety after drinking than for people who are gastrointestinally normal. My god -- there is a reason for me to be struggling as I am/have! There really is an issue here. I am not just a crazy weakling! There are significant anecdotal reports of patients who, years after their surgeries, drank very small amounts alcohol, such as having two glasses of champagne in toasts of a child's wedding, and then being arrested for DUI, when a normal person would not have been seriously impaired:
http://www.themorbidme.com/2006/03/alcohol_aftert_.html
http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/558345
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/06/070614132754.htm
http://www.wlscenter.com/UseOfAlcohol.htm
http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/558345
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/06/070614132754.htm
http://www.wlscenter.com/UseOfAlcohol.htm
I feel now like I know why I'm challenged by this and I know I really have an issue, and as we have had to adjust in so many ways to life afterbariatric surgery, now we have to make this adjustment.
I've been wildly successful -- off the charts wildly successful after my surgery. I've been the perfectly compliant patient.....or so I thought. It turns out that in my over-achiever mentality, I have been misinformed about this aspect and have blown it, I am not going to blow it any longer.
I have the two most wonderful loving women any man could ever have and I am going to make sure that I am healthy, able to enjoy them for a long time, and able to have our relationship intact, not fucked up by my drunkenness.
All the best,
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
A good night last night.............Perhaps even VICTORY
For the first time in three days I am sitting here (and quite uncomfortably sitting by the way) and I am not ashamed of myself for the previous night's behavior. I think we turned a corner yesterday in terms of my accepting the need for swan to exert control and my not trying to resist and punish her for that. Yes I got my second severe punishment whipping last night in as many days for the previous night's behavior (when she called an end to my drinking the night before as we'd agreed I became enraged and was absolutely horrid) but I won't have to be whipped again tonight. I was quite good and we had a very good and loving close evening last night after a very nice dinner out with our t.
Crucial to this success was new information that I researched yesterday about the effects of alcohol on people who've had gastric by pass. I will fill you in on that in a later post but I wanted to fill in our friends here about how we are now and to thank you all for your huge support which has helped us all to get to this point.
I am going to try now (if I can figure out how to do it:) to post a an IM chat swan and I had this morning. It will further flesh out our present situation.
Raheretic: Hi there:)
Swan: Hi there :)
Swan: you are home
Raheretic: I just got home
Swan: that seems like it was quick :-)
Raheretic: I love you
Swan: I'm glad you are safe
Swan: I love you too -- lots
Raheretic: speedy little blue car
Swan: speedy little blue car driver
Raheretic: you should be proud of how you've helped me
Raheretic: LOL
Raheretic: thank you
Swan: I'm feeling good about what we are accomplishing with this
Swan: I'm not naive
Swan: I imagine we'll have some struggles still
Raheretic: and I am acutely aware of where the seat of learning is
Raheretic: I hope not
Swan: but now that you are clearer about what this is, I feel like we are working toward the same goals finally
Raheretic: I am so tired of it
Swan: me too
Raheretic: and I don't want to have to be punished more
Swan: and I have no desire to punish any further.
Raheretic: although please understand I am grateful to you for doing that too and taking it seriously
Raheretic: I don't think we would have gotten here without that aspect
Raheretic: of it
Swan: I do think it would be very good for you to write about what you've found about the physiology of this -- and also about your anger at having limits placed on you
Swan: not the same post of course!
Raheretic: I am looking forward to writing today
Swan: good
Raheretic: I have a lot to say
Swan: I think that is helping you
Raheretic: need to get it out
Raheretic: it has
Swan: get clear and stay clear
Raheretic: thank you
Swan: and it has engaged our circle more closely than anything we've written in a very long time
Swan: you are welcome
Raheretic: I am so sorry I treated you so horribly
Raheretic: I never want anyone to treat you like that
Swan: luckily I have a pretty secure ego structure
Swan: me either
Raheretic: ya think:)?
Swan: least of all -- you
Raheretic: exactly
Raheretic: and I think I need to be punished more for it
Raheretic: I hate that
Swan: I know you do
Swan: think that
Raheretic: but I cannot accept that having been done to you BY ME
Swan: somehow you've got a major atonement thing going on
Swan: are you sure you aren't Jewish?
Raheretic: THE WAILING WALL
Raheretic: the wailing bench
Swan: giggle
Swan: sorry-- I know it isn't funny
Raheretic: you spank me there again I'm wearing my jock
Raheretic: with its cup
Swan: ok
Swan: protect the family jewels
Raheretic: it is good to joke about it
Raheretic: the family jewels sack
Swan: I have a hard time knowing how I'm supposed to feel or react from this side of the power balance
Raheretic: probably as you honestly feel
Swan: I keep thinking that you should submit/bottom in the same way I do -- and I think you may be thinking that way about me topping/dominating you
Raheretic: that would be a good post for you to write
Swan: neither of us do the other side in a way that either of us understands very well
Raheretic: so I am not bottoming like you
Raheretic: you are way more stoic, I actually was crying and screaming and begging when you whipped me Tuesday night, and close last night
Swan: no
Swan: nor submitting like me
Raheretic: so are you going to do a comparison contrast piece?
Swan: well I am way less inclined to be bratty, defiant, manipulative -- and I can hear myself thinking "what the hell is His problem?"
Swan: that may be part of my struggle
Raheretic: you find me waqy bratty and manipulative
Swan: I can't imagine acting the way you have -- as a submissive partner
Raheretic: I am not a submissive, but I am submitting
Swan: I'd imagine that YOU would find you way bratty and mainipulative
Swan: I think that is why this nudging toward higher end punishment
Swan: you wouldn't tolerate the behavior for a minute
Raheretic: I imagine your seat of learning would be throbbing too were that to occur
Swan: I'm imagining you would pitch my ass out the door
Raheretic: of course not and I won't tolerate your having received that behavior without consequence
Raheretic: no I would never do that
Swan: Dominant submission is such an interesting trick
Raheretic: I would have far better things to do with "your ass"
Raheretic: in response to that behavior
Swan: especially when it is being done by an "adult" male ;-)
Raheretic: I have been just like a bad willful 6 year old who needs spanking
Raheretic: and fortunately you have taken care of that detail admirablv
As I end this I am reminded of swan's favorite quote: "There is no such thing as an adult male. "
Tom
Go confidently in the directiion of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
Crucial to this success was new information that I researched yesterday about the effects of alcohol on people who've had gastric by pass. I will fill you in on that in a later post but I wanted to fill in our friends here about how we are now and to thank you all for your huge support which has helped us all to get to this point.
I am going to try now (if I can figure out how to do it:) to post a an IM chat swan and I had this morning. It will further flesh out our present situation.
Raheretic: Hi there:)
Swan: Hi there :)
Swan: you are home
Raheretic: I just got home
Swan: that seems like it was quick :-)
Raheretic: I love you
Swan: I'm glad you are safe
Swan: I love you too -- lots
Raheretic: speedy little blue car
Swan: speedy little blue car driver
Raheretic: you should be proud of how you've helped me
Raheretic: LOL
Raheretic: thank you
Swan: I'm feeling good about what we are accomplishing with this
Swan: I'm not naive
Swan: I imagine we'll have some struggles still
Raheretic: and I am acutely aware of where the seat of learning is
Raheretic: I hope not
Swan: but now that you are clearer about what this is, I feel like we are working toward the same goals finally
Raheretic: I am so tired of it
Swan: me too
Raheretic: and I don't want to have to be punished more
Swan: and I have no desire to punish any further.
Raheretic: although please understand I am grateful to you for doing that too and taking it seriously
Raheretic: I don't think we would have gotten here without that aspect
Raheretic: of it
Swan: I do think it would be very good for you to write about what you've found about the physiology of this -- and also about your anger at having limits placed on you
Swan: not the same post of course!
Raheretic: I am looking forward to writing today
Swan: good
Raheretic: I have a lot to say
Swan: I think that is helping you
Raheretic: need to get it out
Raheretic: it has
Swan: get clear and stay clear
Raheretic: thank you
Swan: and it has engaged our circle more closely than anything we've written in a very long time
Swan: you are welcome
Raheretic: I am so sorry I treated you so horribly
Raheretic: I never want anyone to treat you like that
Swan: luckily I have a pretty secure ego structure
Swan: me either
Raheretic: ya think:)?
Swan: least of all -- you
Raheretic: exactly
Raheretic: and I think I need to be punished more for it
Raheretic: I hate that
Swan: I know you do
Swan: think that
Raheretic: but I cannot accept that having been done to you BY ME
Swan: somehow you've got a major atonement thing going on
Swan: are you sure you aren't Jewish?
Raheretic: THE WAILING WALL
Raheretic: the wailing bench
Swan: giggle
Swan: sorry-- I know it isn't funny
Raheretic: you spank me there again I'm wearing my jock
Raheretic: with its cup
Swan: ok
Swan: protect the family jewels
Raheretic: it is good to joke about it
Raheretic: the family jewels sack
Swan: I have a hard time knowing how I'm supposed to feel or react from this side of the power balance
Raheretic: probably as you honestly feel
Swan: I keep thinking that you should submit/bottom in the same way I do -- and I think you may be thinking that way about me topping/dominating you
Raheretic: that would be a good post for you to write
Swan: neither of us do the other side in a way that either of us understands very well
Raheretic: so I am not bottoming like you
Raheretic: you are way more stoic, I actually was crying and screaming and begging when you whipped me Tuesday night, and close last night
Swan: no
Swan: nor submitting like me
Raheretic: so are you going to do a comparison contrast piece?
Swan: well I am way less inclined to be bratty, defiant, manipulative -- and I can hear myself thinking "what the hell is His problem?"
Swan: that may be part of my struggle
Raheretic: you find me waqy bratty and manipulative
Swan: I can't imagine acting the way you have -- as a submissive partner
Raheretic: I am not a submissive, but I am submitting
Swan: I'd imagine that YOU would find you way bratty and mainipulative
Swan: I think that is why this nudging toward higher end punishment
Swan: you wouldn't tolerate the behavior for a minute
Raheretic: I imagine your seat of learning would be throbbing too were that to occur
Swan: I'm imagining you would pitch my ass out the door
Raheretic: of course not and I won't tolerate your having received that behavior without consequence
Raheretic: no I would never do that
Swan: Dominant submission is such an interesting trick
Raheretic: I would have far better things to do with "your ass"
Raheretic: in response to that behavior
Swan: especially when it is being done by an "adult" male ;-)
Raheretic: I have been just like a bad willful 6 year old who needs spanking
Raheretic: and fortunately you have taken care of that detail admirablv
As I end this I am reminded of swan's favorite quote: "There is no such thing as an adult male. "
Tom
Go confidently in the directiion of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
9/01/2010
Song Stuck in My Head
Reasonland" is written by Antje Duvekot, but Solas adapted the lyrics slightly and I use those below.
In Reasonland, the emperor came down
To the water's edge and said, I don't know where I'm bound
I've got emeralds and rubies sewn into my gown
But I am sadder than the diamonds in my crown
Will you lay me down in a fiddler's cloud
Lay me down to dream
Let my aching head be still, let me surrender to your will
Lay me down, deliver me
A mighty queen came down to the sea
Said, I might win every battle that I please
I’ve got a hundred-man batallion, they all fall down at my feet
But there’s a songbird, he will not sing for me
So will you lay me down in a fiddler's cloud
Lay me down to dream
Let my aching head be still, let me surrender to your will
Lay me down, deliver me
I wanna fly out to your center
I wanna sink down into your gold
I wanna go down without my dagger
I wanna shed these clothes
The preacher's wife kneeled down by the waves
Said, For your love and salvation I have prayed
I am a tired tightrope dancer, don’t wanna go no more this way
Just give me something, a penny for my faith
So will you lay me down in a fiddler's cloud
Lay me down to dream
Let my aching head be still, let me surrender to your will
Lay me down, deliver me
Will you lay me down, won't you lay me down
Lay me down to dream
Let my aching head be still, let me surrender to your will
Lay me down, deliver me
This slave has been given extraordinary power. I have become, at His command, the disciplinarian and the one holding a significant share of the power and control in our relationship. I am not unaccustomed to power and control, but that is my professional work and not at all a comfortable reality in the context of my intimate relating.
The Master has ceded His power, but has not arrived at any sort of easy accomodation to that shift. When I must, to save us both, and to be faithful to my bond, tell Him no; oppose His will; make Him unhappy; He comes roaring back in raging fury at my temerity.
I am tired. I am lonely. I am sad. I feel unsteady and uncertain. I am understanding how exhausting it is to discipline when the "bottom" partner is resistant to that process. I am finding that I must be continually on, ever alert, forever analyzing to determine what is going on and what course I might best follow. I have no "natural" instincts for this, and it gives me no pleasure. I am not a sadist...
And so, I wander through my days in a fog, humming to myself --
I wanna fly out to your center
I wanna sink down into your gold
I wanna go down without my dagger
I wanna shed these clothes
The preacher's wife kneeled down by the waves
Said, For your love and salvation I have prayed
I am a tired tightrope dancer, don’t wanna go no more this way
Just give me something, a penny for my faith
So will you lay me down in a fiddler's cloud
Lay me down to dream
Let my aching head be still, let me surrender to your will
Lay me down, deliver me
swan
8/31/2010
Domestic Discipline -- A Case Study
We have consistently said that our dynamic includes elements of Domestic Discipline as it is understood within the context of our overarching BDSM lifestyle. Too, we've described our practice of switching with one another disciplinarily. That sometimes stands our normal power dynamic on its head. It necessitates the very real transfer of power from Him back to me, and that presents a variety of challenges
Actually, we are tentative about laying claim to the domestic discipline label. Far too many people have a very simplistic view of how that sort of power exchange works -- or should work. Most confuse discipline with punishment, and the fact is that DD most often gets twisted into a convoluted dance that is almost entirely focused on finding reasons to punish, or finding ways to goad the partner into punishing. When that happens, the dynamic devolves into a game that is manipulative and dishonest at some level.
Still, we've maintained that there is a disciplinary element to our dynamic. We've not invoked it very often, but we have never relinquished the potential to use it either. We persist in believing that there is a place for disciplinary power exchange within our intimate and loving relationship, and we hold it to ourselves -- a relational tool to be used sparingly and carefully to forward our goals as individuals and as a family. There must be, in our view of things, a way to use discipline positively within an adult relationship. What I'll share in the rest of this entry, illustrates how we do that, and is shared here in that spirit.
As Master wrote, He and I have embarked on a process that we intend to have result in significant moderation of His use of alcohol. We are both entirely clear that the drinking behavior has reached a level that is harmful on a number of levels -- certainly it is damaging His health, and putting an ongoing and unremitting strain on our relationship. So we know we need to change that behavior pattern. Neither of us are believers in the classic 12-step approach to managing addiction, and so we must find another way.
I am an educator with many years of experience. Being a good educator necessarily encompasses the skills needed to establish and maintain positive discipline. I know that I have really good instincts in this arena.
With all of that, exerting control over my own Master, especially in a context where He is inclined to be resistant, unhappy, and difficult is a devilishly tricky proposition. I'd be lying if I were to claim that I'm having an easy time maintaining that balance.
We've made a couple of passes at creating a plan for reducing and managing His drinking -- we have had Him recording how much He was drinking -- trying to understand what the "baseline" might be, we've proposed to limit the number of drinks He could have in an evening, we've talked about measuring volumes, round and round and round, falling into just about every possible pit we can find along the way. It hasn't gone entirely smoothly. Aw, hell! It has been an unmitigated misery!
Last night was particularly ugly. Our evening wasn't pleasant, and as the night wore on He became increasingly intoxicated and increasingly combative. I was buffeted emotionally, despairing of ever being able to make any dent in this, sure that no matter what I tried to do, He would find a way to manipulate and twist whatever plan into a mockery. By the time He finally drank Himself to unconsciousness I was exhausted, relieved, and completely beaten.
This morning dawned bleakly in our household. I got up, showered, dressed, fixed the morning's drinks and food, packed my lunch, had a bit of breakfast and left for school. We exchanged our normal hugs and pleasantries, but my heart was just not in it. Honestly, I drove to school wondering if it made any sense at all for me to come back home this afternoon. Then about 9:30, I got an email from Master. It read --
I am so sorry about last night. I have been pondering it all morning as I walked. Part of me wants to say you shouldn't accept that behavior from me. It is one thing to be a disciplinarian and keep your eye on the ball of the behavior objective. On the other hand you should not be disrespected and emotionally abused and I am afraid I may have done that last night. I would not accept that behavior out of you.
Another theme in my head is that clearly I am still consuming too much alcohol. I really do think metering that alcohol.........actually measuring the quantities has to be crucial to the moderation of all this.
Another thing is I wonder if I do not just have to be permanently abstinent or at the least abstinent for a while. I recall … that there is a hormone that you have in your system to process alcohol. It is more prevalent the more you drink. That prevalence is the basis of alcohol tolerance. If you are abstinent for a period (I don't recall how long) it goes away until you drink again and then is secreted less … thus less tolerance. At the least maybe I should take some time off from drinking so that my resistance decreases.
I don't know exactly what to say or what to do. I just know I love you and don't want to hurt you. I am determined tonight will be very different.
I love you so much, thank you.
Mine Always and All Ways,
Tom
It was, obviously, a first salvo in an attempt to mend fences, and I wasn't entirely ready to have my fences fooled with. I responded in a short, and somewhat distant sounding email of my own --
I love You.
I am so glad to see you here.
I saw you for just a minute on IM, but then you were gone... :-(
I love You so much -- I really do. I hope you are OK.
The rest we can maybe work out given some time.
I love you.
Yours always and all ways.
sue
Then, later, during my planning period, we had an IM conversation. Here is the transcript of that talk:
Master: I didn't realize how soon 10:30 was coming up … I love you
Swan: I love You … please don't stop believing that
Master: I don't and won't
Swan: thank you
Master: did I say that too?
Swan: you said a lot …
Master: I am so sorry
Swan: and then things got just weird, babbling about all the people that I am hooked to on the internet and how you needed to do something to prove that I am still yours; talking about this woman who "used to be yours" -- like I wasn't even in the room
Master: I wonder which people those might be?
Swan: I asked that
Swan: you just told me I was being passive aggressive
Master: and I wonder who she would have been too
Master: I'm the passive aggressive
Swan: well
Swan: you drink
Swan: and then you aren't the same
Master: telling you to discipline me to quit drinking and then throwing everything but the kitchen sink at you to punish you
Master: I was pondering the wisdom of this thing this morning...
I am two people
Tom drunk
Tom sober
both share the same ass
so you really can punish both
Swan: I think that if we are going to make progress, we need to banish "Tom Drunk"
Master: and Tom sober wants you to do that
Swan: I have been contemplating -- I see three choices here. Maybe there are others, but what we're doing isn't working
Master: you think?
Master: what we are doing could work but we are not controlling volumn by just controlling the number of "glasses" regardless of the content of alcohol
Swan: I see three choices:
choice 1 -- we give this up. You get drunk every night. Your health goes to hell, but you would die happy
Master: likely I would not be happy
Swan: choice 2 -- you quit drinking; get sober and stay that way
Master: and live unhappy
Master: or behind door 3
Swan: choice 3 -- I pour your drinks and I say when you are done. Bartender has final say and no fussing when it is time to quit
Master: damn...........you are a toughy
Swan: you asked me to take control
Master: and I bet I know what happens when I get fussy
Master: well I did
Master: and that would be control
Swan: you don't need to decide now
Swan: think about it
Master: I like it
Swan: I just won't do what we've been doing anymore
Master: well I don't "like it"
Swan: I have no control and all the shit that you can heap on my head every night
Master: but I think it has promise for moderation
Swan: you are still there during the day
Swan: you could surely cheat all day long
Master: and if we were in social situations you'd appear to be being submissive getting me my drinks
Swan: but I can look at you and tell when you've had too much
Swan: and that would be it
Swan: no roaring
Swan: no staggering
Swan: no combative nastiness
Master: OK thank you
Swan: no weird non-conversations
Master: no absolute abstinence
Swan: just "the bar is closed," Sir
Swan: no abstinence
Master: thank you
Swan: maybe a chance to establish what moderation looks like and feels like
Swan: for all of us
Master: damn! you are so smart
Swan: I love You
Master: I love you and thank you
Swan: you are welcome
Swan: yours....
Swan: always and all ways
Master: and I don't have to get beaten for being as awful as I was last night
Master: thank you
Swan: no
Master: mine always and all ways
Swan: and I don't have to engage in a fruitless exercise in pointless sadism
Swan: because once you've had "enough" to drink, you can't make judgments that lead to controlling this
Master: thank you so much
Swan: I love You
Swan: I was afraid you would hate me for this approach
Swan: I am so relieved
Swan: you seem relieved, too
I think there is a fair amount of material there that is potentially "instructive" to someone who really does want to engage in a disciplinary dynamic. It isn't just a game to create an opportunity for spankning. It takes strength and courage and integrity and more than just a bit of intellect. To create effective discipline requires some sort of ability to think critically about whatever IS. A good disciplinarian describes the problem, asks the deep questions that help to define what is causing the problem, and then formulates viable solutions. You can give any idiot a paddle (or more commonly in DD relationships, a belt or a wooden kitchen tool) and turn them lose. That is not discipline.
We will, of course, implement corporal discipline as it is required through this process. We have, in fact, done that this very evening. I can't write that story just now. Perhaps tomorrow.
swan
Actually, we are tentative about laying claim to the domestic discipline label. Far too many people have a very simplistic view of how that sort of power exchange works -- or should work. Most confuse discipline with punishment, and the fact is that DD most often gets twisted into a convoluted dance that is almost entirely focused on finding reasons to punish, or finding ways to goad the partner into punishing. When that happens, the dynamic devolves into a game that is manipulative and dishonest at some level.
Still, we've maintained that there is a disciplinary element to our dynamic. We've not invoked it very often, but we have never relinquished the potential to use it either. We persist in believing that there is a place for disciplinary power exchange within our intimate and loving relationship, and we hold it to ourselves -- a relational tool to be used sparingly and carefully to forward our goals as individuals and as a family. There must be, in our view of things, a way to use discipline positively within an adult relationship. What I'll share in the rest of this entry, illustrates how we do that, and is shared here in that spirit.
As Master wrote, He and I have embarked on a process that we intend to have result in significant moderation of His use of alcohol. We are both entirely clear that the drinking behavior has reached a level that is harmful on a number of levels -- certainly it is damaging His health, and putting an ongoing and unremitting strain on our relationship. So we know we need to change that behavior pattern. Neither of us are believers in the classic 12-step approach to managing addiction, and so we must find another way.
I am an educator with many years of experience. Being a good educator necessarily encompasses the skills needed to establish and maintain positive discipline. I know that I have really good instincts in this arena.
With all of that, exerting control over my own Master, especially in a context where He is inclined to be resistant, unhappy, and difficult is a devilishly tricky proposition. I'd be lying if I were to claim that I'm having an easy time maintaining that balance.
We've made a couple of passes at creating a plan for reducing and managing His drinking -- we have had Him recording how much He was drinking -- trying to understand what the "baseline" might be, we've proposed to limit the number of drinks He could have in an evening, we've talked about measuring volumes, round and round and round, falling into just about every possible pit we can find along the way. It hasn't gone entirely smoothly. Aw, hell! It has been an unmitigated misery!
Last night was particularly ugly. Our evening wasn't pleasant, and as the night wore on He became increasingly intoxicated and increasingly combative. I was buffeted emotionally, despairing of ever being able to make any dent in this, sure that no matter what I tried to do, He would find a way to manipulate and twist whatever plan into a mockery. By the time He finally drank Himself to unconsciousness I was exhausted, relieved, and completely beaten.
This morning dawned bleakly in our household. I got up, showered, dressed, fixed the morning's drinks and food, packed my lunch, had a bit of breakfast and left for school. We exchanged our normal hugs and pleasantries, but my heart was just not in it. Honestly, I drove to school wondering if it made any sense at all for me to come back home this afternoon. Then about 9:30, I got an email from Master. It read --
I am so sorry about last night. I have been pondering it all morning as I walked. Part of me wants to say you shouldn't accept that behavior from me. It is one thing to be a disciplinarian and keep your eye on the ball of the behavior objective. On the other hand you should not be disrespected and emotionally abused and I am afraid I may have done that last night. I would not accept that behavior out of you.
Another theme in my head is that clearly I am still consuming too much alcohol. I really do think metering that alcohol.........actually measuring the quantities has to be crucial to the moderation of all this.
Another thing is I wonder if I do not just have to be permanently abstinent or at the least abstinent for a while. I recall … that there is a hormone that you have in your system to process alcohol. It is more prevalent the more you drink. That prevalence is the basis of alcohol tolerance. If you are abstinent for a period (I don't recall how long) it goes away until you drink again and then is secreted less … thus less tolerance. At the least maybe I should take some time off from drinking so that my resistance decreases.
I don't know exactly what to say or what to do. I just know I love you and don't want to hurt you. I am determined tonight will be very different.
I love you so much, thank you.
Mine Always and All Ways,
Tom
It was, obviously, a first salvo in an attempt to mend fences, and I wasn't entirely ready to have my fences fooled with. I responded in a short, and somewhat distant sounding email of my own --
I love You.
I am so glad to see you here.
I saw you for just a minute on IM, but then you were gone... :-(
I love You so much -- I really do. I hope you are OK.
The rest we can maybe work out given some time.
I love you.
Yours always and all ways.
sue
Then, later, during my planning period, we had an IM conversation. Here is the transcript of that talk:
Master: I didn't realize how soon 10:30 was coming up … I love you
Swan: I love You … please don't stop believing that
Master: I don't and won't
Swan: thank you
Master: did I say that too?
Swan: you said a lot …
Master: I am so sorry
Swan: and then things got just weird, babbling about all the people that I am hooked to on the internet and how you needed to do something to prove that I am still yours; talking about this woman who "used to be yours" -- like I wasn't even in the room
Master: I wonder which people those might be?
Swan: I asked that
Swan: you just told me I was being passive aggressive
Master: and I wonder who she would have been too
Master: I'm the passive aggressive
Swan: well
Swan: you drink
Swan: and then you aren't the same
Master: telling you to discipline me to quit drinking and then throwing everything but the kitchen sink at you to punish you
Master: I was pondering the wisdom of this thing this morning...
I am two people
Tom drunk
Tom sober
both share the same ass
so you really can punish both
Swan: I think that if we are going to make progress, we need to banish "Tom Drunk"
Master: and Tom sober wants you to do that
Swan: I have been contemplating -- I see three choices here. Maybe there are others, but what we're doing isn't working
Master: you think?
Master: what we are doing could work but we are not controlling volumn by just controlling the number of "glasses" regardless of the content of alcohol
Swan: I see three choices:
choice 1 -- we give this up. You get drunk every night. Your health goes to hell, but you would die happy
Master: likely I would not be happy
Swan: choice 2 -- you quit drinking; get sober and stay that way
Master: and live unhappy
Master: or behind door 3
Swan: choice 3 -- I pour your drinks and I say when you are done. Bartender has final say and no fussing when it is time to quit
Master: damn...........you are a toughy
Swan: you asked me to take control
Master: and I bet I know what happens when I get fussy
Master: well I did
Master: and that would be control
Swan: you don't need to decide now
Swan: think about it
Master: I like it
Swan: I just won't do what we've been doing anymore
Master: well I don't "like it"
Swan: I have no control and all the shit that you can heap on my head every night
Master: but I think it has promise for moderation
Swan: you are still there during the day
Swan: you could surely cheat all day long
Master: and if we were in social situations you'd appear to be being submissive getting me my drinks
Swan: but I can look at you and tell when you've had too much
Swan: and that would be it
Swan: no roaring
Swan: no staggering
Swan: no combative nastiness
Master: OK thank you
Swan: no weird non-conversations
Master: no absolute abstinence
Swan: just "the bar is closed," Sir
Swan: no abstinence
Master: thank you
Swan: maybe a chance to establish what moderation looks like and feels like
Swan: for all of us
Master: damn! you are so smart
Swan: I love You
Master: I love you and thank you
Swan: you are welcome
Swan: yours....
Swan: always and all ways
Master: and I don't have to get beaten for being as awful as I was last night
Master: thank you
Swan: no
Master: mine always and all ways
Swan: and I don't have to engage in a fruitless exercise in pointless sadism
Swan: because once you've had "enough" to drink, you can't make judgments that lead to controlling this
Master: thank you so much
Swan: I love You
Swan: I was afraid you would hate me for this approach
Swan: I am so relieved
Swan: you seem relieved, too
I think there is a fair amount of material there that is potentially "instructive" to someone who really does want to engage in a disciplinary dynamic. It isn't just a game to create an opportunity for spankning. It takes strength and courage and integrity and more than just a bit of intellect. To create effective discipline requires some sort of ability to think critically about whatever IS. A good disciplinarian describes the problem, asks the deep questions that help to define what is causing the problem, and then formulates viable solutions. You can give any idiot a paddle (or more commonly in DD relationships, a belt or a wooden kitchen tool) and turn them lose. That is not discipline.
We will, of course, implement corporal discipline as it is required through this process. We have, in fact, done that this very evening. I can't write that story just now. Perhaps tomorrow.
swan
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