Did You Miss Me?

I've been away for the last week.
Spring break time at school, and once again we were able to squeeze in a trip west to visit with the "kids" and the grand kid.

The "kids" are, of course, not kids at all -- all well into their 30's and making their lives as they will -- as they do.

The trip is grueling.  Two long days of driving to get there -- about 19 hours total, across some of the most desolate and empty country on the continent.  We know all the places to stop; the places where we can get a decent meal and a halfway comfortable hotel room.  Still, even with all of that, we arrive exhausted.  The first night, we took some of our "on the road" snacking food down to the hotel breakfast room, and met my son and daughter in law for a late night "dinner."  Then it was off to bed for the three of us.

The next day, we got up and walked for just a short while -- much less time than we usually spend doing that.  We met at the restaurant where my daughter is working, and then took off to play tourist in one of the close in mountain towns.  We had an interesting dinner at a place that my daughter in law's mother likes (don't even get me started), and headed back to the hotel very late.

Wednesday, we'd planned to go to the zoo.  The whole day felt like a battle.  Time seemed at a premium.  Everyone seemed to want what they wanted.  I felt caught in a web of conflicting demands.  On top of that, I found driving around the city I once knew so well ... a little daunting, and got myself pretty well lost on the way.  It was a beautiful day, but very sunny (in that bright, intense way that is so typical of the Rocky Mountain front range).  As the afternoon wore on, I began to work on a monster migraine so that, by the time we finished with the zoo and headed to dinner, I was less than charming.  Just worn out.

Thursday was better.  He and I walked early.  We linked up with the "kids" and took a picnic to the park where boy child had great fun playing on the playground equipment, and everyone was able to just relax and enjoy the lovely weather.

Friday morning dawned bright and clear and warm.  We packed the car and headed east again.  Tired even as we started out.  Some 10 hours later, as we dragged off the highway and into the hotel, it was hard to imagine the next day's drive...  The last day is always the hardest.  Another long day on the road.  Tired.  Nerves frayed.  Joints aching.  We made it about 9:30 last night, and we are home.

Like most travelers, we find coming home to be sweet.  Time away makes us appreciate the simple pleasures of home.  Tomorrow, school starts again.  The laundry is all done.  All my plans are made.  Papers are graded and ready to go.  I am as ready as can be.

swan

New New Relationship Energy

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Perhaps love is the process of my gently leading you back to yourself.

He has taken, in the last handful of days, to saying that He believes that we are into New Relationship Energy  (NRE) again.  He then laughs a bit and quips, "New New Relationship Energy -- NNRE."  For those who may not be familiar with the term, NRE is a concept that is very common in the polyamory community, although I am not certain that it originates there or that it is confined to that multiple relationship style choice.  In simple terms, NRE is just the flush of good feeling and emotional energy that comes at the very beginning of a new romantic connection.  

I've never heard or seen anyone talk about NNRE as we are currently experiencing it, but then, I've known very few people who have walked through fire as we have in the last year and a half -- and come out the other side.  I do think we have come out the other side.  I am happy to share that information with our friends who have supported us through the turbulent months -- and I'll admit I am also glad to proclaim that to all those naysayers who predicted our downfall (those who were clear that "what goes around comes around").  

• Where we were inclined to growl at each other, we now find softer and kinder tones.
• Where we were angry and bitter, we enjoy a gentle joy and sense of peace.
• Where we were suspicious of one another, we are slowly laying the foundations of trust.
• Where there was loneliness, sadness, and frustration, we are feeling more connected, more comfortable, and more companionable.  

We are careful with each other.  We are less sure that we know what things mean -- and we ask when we are not sure.  We are more likely to say what we need; more likely to define what is and is not OK in the moment.  We once knew what we were out to be and do in our lives and in our relationships -- now we are moving along step by step as the relationship develops into what it chooses to be for itself.  

As is my wont, I was doing some research, trying to find out what "the experts" think about the concept of New Relationship Energy.  I thought that, if I could find out what it IS exactly, then I could use that information to help me see where we are headed.  I have SUCH control issues.  Still.  There is a lot of material written online about NRE, and most of it was pretty much what I expected -- and what I already knew.  This article (excerpted), however, offered insights that were broader and deeper than what I have seen before:
   

http://www.examiner.com/open-relationships-in-austin/new-relationship-energy-and-its-relationship-to-emotional-intelligence

There is a phenomenon that occurs at the start of all romantic relationships,... in which the two people involved are so enamored with each other... It is commonly referred to as lust.  It is known as new relationship energy (NRE) and it is punctuated by self-disclosure, is managed by avoiding conflict at all costs, and requires emotional intelligence in order to assess, identify and manage effectively. ...  NRE is the fun part of new relationship...  - the heady rush of escalating emotional connection and the hot juiciness of a growing sexual attraction, with a person we are just beginning to know and want to know better, much better. ... Self-disclosure is the basis for the most intense relationships, especially those in which NRE is a result. ... Self-disclosure ... serves the purpose of forming camaraderie, finding common ground, and building trust. This, in turn, increases intimacy- a critical component of NRE. ... NRE is “the initial "molecular binding energy" which brings individuals together ... overcoming the fears, judgments, suspicions, vulnerabilities and irritations, which work against forming risky new connections ... There exists a component of reciprocity where “interplay is delicate, with the reactions of each person inextricably bound to the behavior of the other.” This can help to keep the partners on the same wave-length and can be “sustained when there is a certain balance of hope and uncertainty. The base for … hope is not in objective reality but reality as it is perceived. ... Healthy new relationships require not only self-disclosure but also a degree of emotional intelligence in order for them to last ... Emotional intelligence ...  means “recognizing emotions and acting on them in a reflective and rational manner”. ...  These skills assist individuals in having the patience and understanding to deal with life stress factors as they influence the partner, themselves and the relationship. ...  because new relationships are fragile and somewhat tenuous, conflict is much more difficult to manage; therefore avoidance is the most accepted method of resolution so that the relationship not only remains protected but also fair to both people involved. ... New relationship energy is a vital and real aspect of a relationship. And although it is experienced by people in all types of budding relationships from romantic to professional, it is most intense when it occurs between two people who are hopeful of becoming physically involved. It is characterized by warm, loving feelings, is upheld by best behavior and conflict avoidance, and can be extended, perhaps indefinitely, with the presence of simultaneous, mutual and healthy, emotional intelligence. ...

• That would be us; involved in self-disclosure -- forming camaraderie, finding common ground, and building trust.
• That would be us:  learning to engage in reciprocity where interplay is delicate with reactions of each person bound to the behavior of the other.
• That would be us:  recognizing emotions and acting on them in a reflective and rational manner; having the patience and understanding to deal with life stress factors as they influence each one of us and our relationship.

Here, as the spring begins, as this oddly warm winter draws to a close, we are finding our lives again -- and we are, remarkably, still in love.  No, we are in love AGAIN.  The love we hold so gently between us is as new as the lengthening days, and as unexpected as the herons that are returned months ahead of what we would have expected.  We are in the early throes of New New Relationship Energy.  What an amazing turn of events.  

Sue (swan)

I Don't Want to Lose This

I am reading the most wonderful, sweet, painful, honest book...  The Fault in Our Stars, by John Green.  I am just over half way through it, so no spoilers here...  But based on what I've read so far, I'd grab your arm and insist that you NEED to read this book.  And no, it is not kinky.  Just very, very good.  Today, I came across this declaration, and I do not want to lose track of it:


"I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you."

Vanishing Pubes

I haven't really seen my pubic hair for probably a dozen years or more.  Very early in my explorations of BDSM, I began to shave my pubic hair -- because it was what everyone did in the lifestyle.  No one ever asked it of me; no one ever required it; there was nothing of dominance or submission in the doing.  It was simply one thing that I took on as a newbie because I thought it was a way to begin to fit in to something I very much wanted to be a part of.

So, for about a dozen years, I kept those parts of my anatomy shaved clean and relatively smooth.  I always imagined that, if I'd stop maintaining that routine, the hair would just grow back and within a few months or so, it would be the curly, springy, thick bushy thatch that I remembered.

Somewhere over the course of the last year and a half, I stopped shaving the pubic hair.  There was simply no reason to keep it up.  I finally understood that I could shave it or not shave it -- whatever suited me; and that was all of it.  Really, no one in the entire world cares about the state of my pubic hair-do.  Thus it has slowly grown back...

And...

It is nothing at all like what I remembered.  It is thin, fine, straight, and sparse.  Apparently, the hormonal changes of menopause cause changes in hair growth.  Everywhere.  Thinner on the head.  Thinner on the pubes.  Heavier on the face.  Right.  One more curveball.  Not a crisis.  Not even a problem.  Just one of those places where the way things turn out seems -- I don't know:  perverse?  Yeah.  That.

Sue (swan)

March Q&A -- Michael Samadhi

QUESTION -- Why?
(It's a philosophical question)


I don't know much about philosophy.


This question does, however, remind me of the thing that we teach school children about good "news" reporting or writing.  A reporter, we tell the young ones, asks a set of questions:  

Who?

What?

When?

Where?

Why?

Questioning seems to be a uniquely human activity.  Consider:

• Ants and termites and bees all recognize who is part of the hive or nest -- and who is not.
• Birds know what to look for in nesting season, as do those animals who den through the winter.
• Migratory birds and butterflies understand when to come and go; they do not need to ask.
• Spawning salmon know where they are headed without any sort of map or GPS.

Only humans ask questions, and the most uniquely human of all the questions is that "why?"  Why did this happen to me?  Why didn't I get chosen?  Why are things like this, or not like that?  Anyone who has ever lived with a two-year-old child has likely encountered that very human, "Why? Why? Why? ..."


Those of us with BDSM orientations may find that we have even more occasion to ask "why?"  Why am I like this?  Why do I want/need/like/feel the things I do?  Why can't I be like the other people I see around me.  For so many of us, myself included, the path has led through a thicket of why's.  I guess that makes BDSM radically, seriously, sincerely human.


Sue (swan)

March Q&A -- weirdgirl

QUESTION -- You are throwing a dinner party for eight guests...who would you invite and why? (no temporal limitations - persons alive or dead)


I will assume this would be a dinner party here at our homes, and so I will assume that it will be the three of us entertaining guests here.  I couldn't possibly do a big dinner thing without my sister-heart.  She is the cooking-est woman I have ever met, and her stuff is yummy!  So!

Eight guests --


I'd invite my brother, Gregg.  He died some 21 years ago from complications of AIDS.  He was beautiful and funny and intense and brilliant and utterly charming.  He would have been my very handsome twin except for the fact that he was 5 years younger.  I miss him terribly, still.


I'd want Stephen Hawkings at the table.  Hawkings has the most interesting mind on the planet today.  Maybe that is because he is so limited by his illness that he spends much of his time inside his own mind thinking things, but I suspect he might have been pretty amazing even if he had not lived for so many years with ALS.


I'd invite Antonio Banderas.  He is simply the most gorgeous man on the planet.  With Antonio at the table there'd be no need for flowers or any other sort of decorative silliness.  


I'd want Kathleen Norris, author of Dakota and Cloister Walk.  She has a deep insight into the workings of the spirit, and a wonderful clarity of language.


I'd invite Jack Gladstone, one of my favorite musicians.  Gladstone is a singer and song-writer with a historical bent.  I first saw him perform in the glory of Glacier National Park, and I've loved his music ever since.  He comes from the Blackfeet people, and I'd love to spend a few hours talking with him.


I would invent President John F. Kennedy.  He is so central to the earliest history that I am personally aware of.  I know he was a hound-dog, and I do not care.  Maybe it would be most interesting for him to be able to be with people who knew that about him and were still interested in talking to him as a person.   


I'd invite my / our therapist.  If the rules allowed it, I imagine we might be good friends -- or at least interesting companions.  I'd like to know more about her and her life.  And I'd be interested to watch her interact with so many divergent minds.

Lastly, I'd invite Dylan M.  Dylan was a student in a class I taught many, many years ago.  His parents were divorced.  His dad was a druggie and a bum.  His mom was beautiful in a classic, porcelain sort of way.  Dylan adored her.  Early in his 8th grade year, she was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor.  The powers that be determined that Dylan should go and live with his "father."  He hated it.  Worried about his mom.  Struggled to just get through the days.  He was the first student that I can remember wanting to bring home with me.  It has been probably 20 years.  Dylan would be in his mid-30's.  I often think of him and wonder how he is.

That's my list.  What an interesting evening that would make.

Sue (swan)

Q&A Month

I understand that March is Q&A month.  That has been true over the years.  I've never participated in that blog community activity, and I am a little hesitant to open myself up to it this year...  However, I am also wishing to come back to some sort of more "natural" feeling connection to this place and the people who read here.  It feels like I've been fighting just to survive; just to breathe; just to hang on for a long time.  Maybe now that the storms have passed us by, it is possible to just relax and talk about the things that feel normal again (and yes, I do know that applying the word "normal" to all of us in the lifestyle is a bit of a reach -- but that is another story).

So.  Deep breath.  Ask.  I'll do my best to answer.

Sue (swan)

Pussy Torture

No.
Not like that.
Perverts!

It is that bike thing...  I love my new bike.  Love it.  I love the feeling I get when I'm cruising around under my own power.  I like it when the sun is shining and the air is fresh and cool.  It is wonderful.

Our unusually warm weather has made it possible for us to get some riding done -- even in these February days. There's just this one problem.  Now that my shoulder is healed up, I am able to ride longer.  Or, I would be able to ride longer if I could figure out what to do when I can't stand the "pussy torture" any more.  At about an hour, the girl parts are starting to scream, and I am convinced that I have oozing blisters in places that we don't want to talk about...

The bike is equipped with a high quality saddle that has lots of padding.  It is supposed to be super comfortable.  I hate to think what super uncomfortable saddles must be like!

I have fancy bike shorts and some sort of friction reducing cream stuff called "Chamois Butter," but neither one seems to help.

I am going to adjust the tilt on the saddle.  Maybe more back-tilt will help take some of the pressure off.  I just don't know.  Failing that, it may be time to go on the hunt for a more female-friendly bicycle seat -- because this kind of pussy torture isn't doing it for me.

Sue (swan)