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We are three adults living in a polyamorous triad family. The content here is intended for an adult audience. If you are not an adult, please leave now.


Jumbled Up

I am tired of writing stupid ABC posts. I don't care, and I'm guessing no one else cares either. I can't be jolly, cheerful, upbeat, or hopeful here anymore. I feel like it is just bullshit -- a feeling that He confirms. So, blech... Here are the rest of the letters if you want to pursue it (but I am done trying to fill this space in that fashion)...

And then, today, wondering what I could say here -- because it really does feel like there is nothing at all to say anymore, I found this poem (ironically, a popular piece for weddings), and it feels like the words speak about where life is right now...
Maybe…we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.
Maybe … when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don’t even see the new one which has been opened for us.
Maybe … it is true that we don’t know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don’t know what we have been missing until it arrives.
Maybe … the happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
Maybe … the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can’t go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.
Maybe … you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do.
Maybe … there are moments in life when you miss someone — a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child — so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more.

I am scheduled to resume my work with the therapist this week. The shamanic work we got involved with seems to have lodged in my subconscious in a very pernicious way. I now have recurring dreams (every few days or so) that are about making a shamanic journey to the upper world. In the dream, I go through all the steps and stages of making that journey, and when I find myself there, I am standing at the top of a tall, red-brick building. It seems very ancient, and it is stacked up in layers -- like a wedding cake. Standing on the top of the building, I find a man. I can't see his face clearly, but he seems older than me. I ask him what I can do to heal my life and our family, and he tells me that the only way to do that is to kill myself. Then, he outlines the steps that I must follow to be able to do that. It scares the willies out of me, but it keeps coming back...

It is fall. Our summer, although focused intensely on His recovery from knee replacement surgery, was nice and relaxed. Summer ends, though, and the school year starts right on schedule. The PTSD that lives permanently in our household roars back to life and creates chaos and misery. I have to go back to work, and the long, lazy, days shift into the demanding routines of the academic calendar. He feels abandoned, and I feel torn. Then, October arrives, and all the "anniversary" stuff related to our crisis comes into play. I am, in October, the one who pushed us all over the precipice with a phone call. No matter what I might think we are about here, and no matter how well I think things are proceeding, in October, I am reminded that I am a betrayer and a traitor and a woman who can never, ever be trusted. It shocks me. It hurts me. It makes me angry. I know it isn't fair or right, and then I feel guilty anyway -- for all the many, many choices made through all my whole life ... for every broken rule, for every "bad" decision, for every missed mark. In the end, I begin to believe, for myself, that the voice of the man at the top of the building in the upper world speaks the truth. That it would be best for us all if I would die. Die. And, I know that is nuts. But life seems nuts, so why not?

Meanwhile, I come here, day by day (or week by week) and write drivel about justice and joy... Because the stats tell me that this blog is dying. Dying from lack of interest. Dying because the very reason for it to exist has vanished. Dying because I have nothing at all left to say about D/s or M/s or BDSM, or love, or family, or anything much at all. I bang around the Interwebs trying to think of an angle or an approach or a point of view that would be of legitimate interest here -- and I come up blank.
So. Here I am. What would you say here if you were me?


  1. What would I say? Hell, I don't know. As you know, cause you've been to my place. I do the same thing, scouring life and the internet for something I can write about to replace passion, love, sex, perversion. All I seem to have left is anger.

    Which doesn't really answer your question. You've switched blogs at least once before, maybe it's time to switch again. Maybe doing that would give you more scope to write what you are now? Because I think that you, like me, feel some sense that you should write what you set out to write here? Maybe I'm putting my feelings on you?

    And I think the idea that you should die is bad, scary, and you should talk to your therapist about it. You can leave if you need to, walk away from your relationship if you need to but the idea of killing yourself is despair speaking and you need to find a different solution.

    And those letters... As I was reading them, the angry bad sub in me is thinking A is for Anger, B is for Bitch, ... D is for Distancing, ... etc. So really I think you did very well in getting as far as you did.

    Maybe this is too much anger here in your comments, maybe I'm highjacking them, but I feel you'll understand and know that there are other people that are in a similar place to you. And not thinking about dying.


    1. Well, sin... You managed to do what almost no one else does these days. With that "other" version of the ABC's, you made me laugh. So thank you! Yes indeed -- A is for angry, B is for Bitch, C is for churlish, D is for desperate, E is for Eeyore, F is for Fuckit, G is for Grrrrrr, H is for Hate, I is for Irritable, J is for Joke, K is for Kick, L is for Laughable, M is for Mean, N is for Nasty, O is for Over it, P is for Pissy, Q is for Quit, R is for Rotten, S is for Stupid, T is for Testy, U is for Unhappy, V is for Vindictive, W is for Witchy, X is for X-hauseted, Y is for Yucky, Z is for Zero.

      There! Anyone else have a version?


  2. I was thinking tonite that I hadn't heard much from you lately - wondered how things were......... logged on to be asked "what would I say"???

    and my answer would be - "sometimes we take too much on our shoulders.. sometimes we think we can actually control so much of our lives .. when really we just have to trust and take the steps forward ......... no matter how hard. I like what sin said "you have to find a different solution" I believe that too........

    hang in there

    1. I didn't take this on my shoulders, but that is squarely where it all sits. No matter what I do, and no matter how I work to try and do better and live "forward," it comes back to that one phone call on that one morning -- and the declaration that I can never be trusted again. I wish it would be different, but I am clear that it never will. So, the only real question is -- can I live with that for the rest of my days?


  3. Ordalie10:17 PM

    First, you never ever wrote drivel.
    Second, you might put aside this blog for some time until you feel better. Because you will, even if you can't imagine that for the time being.
    Third, do talk to your therapist about that all-pervasive despondency. And stop feeling like a betrayer and a traitor, stop harping on that phone call which keeps gnawing at your conscience and its outcome. Don't look back! Easier said than done, I know.
    I send you heartfelt hugs.

    1. I wish I could stop that harping, ordalie. But I do not have that power.


  4. Anonymous4:22 AM

    you and I both know that when one door closes another one opens... but man these hallways sure are a bitch!

    I don't think it is you as in the whole you that needs to die in order for your family to heal. I think it is some part of you that you are holding onto that needs to be eliminated from your life. There is at least one part of you that you could let die... bury it in the past, mourn it and move forward already.

    Know that nothing is ever wrong. That we learn from every step we take and that whatever steps you made were steps you were meant to make.

    hugs for you

    1. Let "it" die. Whatever "it" is... I just do not know what that is.


  5. Well, I'm late commenting. For some reason unknown to me my Google reader has not featured your recent blog posts as it usually does.

    Not sure how much help I can be. What a shame we don't live closer, we could chat over a cup of tea!

    It seems clear to me that unhappiness is a result of a mistaken view of life. How do we correct that mistake? Ay, there's the rub!

    In my view, the dream man who advised you on how to heal your life was right - but not in the way you think. He is not asking you to commit suicide. I like to think that messages from the unconscious must be taken seriously, but not necessarily followed blindly. They must first be interpreted correctly. Something has to be given up, Sue. I'm not quite in agreement with Magdala about letting some part of you die, but she is kind of right. Yet there's probably nothing you can consciously do to let that part of you die, because that part is the illusion that you (like all the rest of us of course) are an individual. So long as we go on thinking and feeling that we are "someone", so long will we be trapped in that illusion. As Pir Vilayat Khan said, "The assumption of being an individual is our greatest limitation." I would go further and say it is simply "our limitation."

    I have posted recently about this, and here is the link to an earlier post.

    I know, Sue, that this kind of thing may be something you don't have any interest in, and may even find repellent; but it's what I have found helpful and it's all I can offer in the way of help.

    So long as we think of ourselves as individuals, separate from what's "out there", including other people, so long will we be subject to happiness/unhappiness, joy/sorrow, health/sickness, life/death and all the other dualities of this apparent world.


    1. so... Malcolm...
      no happiness?
      in order to avoid unhappiness?
      that does seem to be the answer -- live in a zero state that makes no emotional connection at all. Just float along, avoiding the highs by eschewing the lows.

      Maybe you are right.

    2. Sue, from what I have read, realising your true nature does not result in making no emotional connections. It's just that the ups and downs are seen differently.

      By the way, I looked for you on Facebook a few weeks ago and could no longer find you.

  6. Ordalie1:53 PM

    Sue, I have been a school teacher for 38 years.A job I just hated for many reasons I won't go into. Now that I've retired I still wake up in the middle of the night because of nightmares about that job.
    For God's sake, do let bygones be bygones and for the time being, yes, just float along!
    You can never be trusted again? God, you did what you thought right at the time and I do think you were right. Of course you couldn't imagine what the outcome would be, so you can't be expected to rue the day for ever!

  7. And here's a question - setting aside that you thought you were doing the right thing, and speculations about what would have happened if it had brought you social support as hoped.

    If you hadn't made that call, what would have happened? What would have happened that day, that month, that year? Would he be off booze or dead from it? As I recall, he was an angry mean drunk, what would have resulted from 2 more years of that?


  8. Anonymous8:47 PM

    Several months ago I told you what my therapist had suggested in a (semi)-comparable situation. You said it fitted my circumstances but not yours. Nevertheless, I want to repeat it for you to think about. Consider what you can control and what you cannot. Take charge of who you are and speak (live) from that position. If he cannot/will not change, then you either have to live with that going on in the periphery of your life (i.e., don't respond but instead concentrate on your own needs), or you have to change your life.

    There really isn't another choice. I am putting dying right off the table. You have a finite life span; how much of it are you going to devote to what cannot be changed?

  9. Angel1:32 AM

    I can't tell you what to do or not do...but if you're done blogging for now, or for forever, I will miss you. I have enjoyed your blog immensely, through the ups and the downs.

  10. weirdgirl8:03 AM

    I don't really know what to say, sue. I am saddened to read that the bitterness of past events has returned once more. I was hoping that the amazingly positive progress that has been so hard-won had included Tom's understanding of your act. I echo Sin's comment above, to ask what kind of positive outcome could there have possibly been for the three of you without it?

    I hope you do continue to write - in whatever form and about whatever subjects. You are an amazing, insightful and intelligent woman across topics wide and varied. Your opinions on feminism and politics (as examples) always come across as considered and reasoned, and I have learned much from reading you here.
    For now I wish you peace and a return to joy,
    with much fondness

  11. Each spring, mouse goes just a little bit crazy. Each spring it's gotten a little bit worse. Until you realize that when you feel these things when you're recycling those feelings it's your mind's way of healing just a little bit.

    It's taken mouse a decade to learn that. All she can hope for you is that it doesn't take that long....

    Because you're doing things that mouse wouldn't or couldn't do....

    You have an outlet to share your thoughts (good, bad, ugly) and you're in therapy.

    Hugs and more hugs,


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