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12/21/2012

Darkness

My mother would throw me into the cellar under the house.  She clearly thought I did not deserve to live in the light...

My husband believed that I was sick, perverted and wrong...

Now...

I wonder if they were right.


23 comments:

  1. Oh Sweetie, they were not right. I'm sorry things are so bleak for you right now, but they were definitely not right.

    What can I do to help? Email me if I can help please.

    -sin

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, sin. You help. Being here helps.

      swan

      Delete
  2. Would you ever throw a child into the cellar? You wouldn't. In what universe would you intentionally make someone you were supposed to love feel badly about themselves? There is no place you would do this.If this was anyone else but you wondering this, how would you counsel them? Do not listen that voice that tells you your mother and husband were right.

    They were wrong.

    I am so sorry you are feeling this. I wish I could help in some way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, monkey. The darkness feels not quite so dark today. You help by listening.

      swan

      Delete
  3. Anonymous10:52 PM

    Such a sad post to read after the exciting uplifting previous post. Please do not let those 'old tapes' play in your head. Your ex and your mother (who was supposed to love and protect you)are wrong wrong wrong. You are a smart women in a challenging profession, living in a style that is right for you.

    Sorry you are feeling sad and things seem so dismal to you right now. Sending positive thoughts and energy your way Sue. Please feel better soon.

    Joyce

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Joyce. I'll take all the positive energy I can get.

      swan

      Delete
  4. Sue I am so sorry you are feeling this way - especially at this time of year when everyone wishes everyone else peace love and joy ........

    There's really not a whole lot anyone can say - but we are here for you - holding you tight across the miles

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, friend -- those long distance hugs reach across the miles.

      swan

      Delete
  5. I'm so sorry to hear that those old negative voices are having their say at the moment. Please try to NOT listen to them, easy for me to say I know.

    Sending you warm thoughts in the hope that some of them will reach you and make you feel a little stronger. I have a vision of me bustling off to the kitchen right now making you a cup of tea - just as you would do for me if I felt the way you do now.

    Ana

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    Replies
    1. Ahhh... Ana. If only we could all come together for tea. How many woes could be washed away if we could sit down together and share a bit of tea.

      swan

      Delete
  6. I don't believe you, Sue. I'm pretty sure you don't really think you don't deserve to live in the light or that you are sick and perverted. Anyway, what's wrong with being perverted? It's just a relative term used by people who think you should be doing and thinking as they do. Just ENJOY being perverted, as I do, and don't be trying to get everything right all the time, it's a bad habit!

    As to being wrong, there is no-one on this Earth who isn't wrong a lot of the time, or even all the time - by someone's standards.

    Lots of love dear Sue, If I lived anywhere near I would be knocking on your door.


    xxx - Malcolm

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Malcolm, I cannot think of anything I would love more than to find you at my door. What a sweet thought!

      swan

      Delete
  7. Waiting. . . Birthing. . . . Darkness. . . .
    This sounds like a really sad story.

    But where are you? I think you should be the author of your own story.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Miranda -- This IS my story. Has been mine from the very first words I put up at The Swan's Heart in 2004. I am sorry if I am not the author you would have me be...

      swan

      Delete
    2. I beg your pardon. I re-read the beginning of Swan's Heart, and of course you are right: this story of waiting, birthing, and darkness was there from the beginning. But you will forgive me, I hope, if I also say that there is another voice in your text. I don't know you from Adam; I just know the person you have constructed in your writing. But I am a good reader, and I have heard another authorial voice in this remarkable document, a voice that is more willing to claim its own power.

      I had no right to suggest you were not the author of your own story. What I should have acknowledged instead is that your story is remarkably complex and is told in your own good time.

      Delete
  8. They were wrong. I have no idea what's going on in your life right now, and I get that it's probably not pleasant at all. But that doesn't make those cruel ghost from the past right, all of a sudden.

    They are in there, and you can't make them not whisper in your ear. But you can hug the little Sue back then, and you can do what you want to do, live the life you want to live, no matter what the ghosts whispers. It's only words and thoughts and memories. It's not the truth, and it's not your life today.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, c. I know the truth of what you say, but it helps to be reminded.

      swan

      Delete
  9. Anonymous5:31 PM

    you are an adult now, right? time to stop blaming your problems on the past and live in the future. we all had rough things happen and hurtful things said in our pasts. as adults we can choose to keep listening to them and reliving them or decide to let it all go and create a better now. your choice.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, neighbor. I am an adult. I'm 57 years old. Perhaps, since you are only a few miles away (right here in West Chester), you would like to come on over and we can discuss the ways in which adults handle the ups and downs of life's challenges. You seem to know what's what. Perhaps I could benefit from your wisdom.

      swan

      Delete
    2. Anonymous11:30 PM

      no need to get testy. sometimes one needs to hear 'what's what' instead of all the 'empty encouragement' from well wishers. it's your choice. you can choose to let your mother and ex dictate who you are or you can decide to be your own person. the more you fret and discuss and dwell on the negative, the more it will run your life. be grateful for what you have now. appreciate it. the past will always be there and will never change. the now and future are yours to make whatever you want of them. Merry Christmas!

      Delete
  10. weirdgirl12:00 AM

    sometimes it's hard to hold on to the logical 'truth' that we know, when our emotional self is giving itself a hard time...
    sending love and light to you at this often dark time of year in the northern hemisphere.
    it's always darkest before the dawn, dear sue.

    season's greetings to all of you, and warm hugs xxx

    ReplyDelete
  11. How sad that you feel this way, especially this time of year when everyone says be happy and joyful.
    Perhaps those voices insisting that we be so joyful should be tuned out. Find some time to spend cherishing yourself.. and believe that there is a brighter day ahead. Big hugs to you.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh Sue....They were wrong on many levels. The fact you are questioning it just shows you how wrong they were.

    You're a gift! You have this inner light that shines sooo brightly through so much. Please don't give them more credit than they deserve.

    Hugs,
    mouse

    ReplyDelete

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