Crone Conversation, but to do that I would have to create a "creepy Internet guy" character to talk with. And I am not willing to do that!
Some background: I do participate on Fetlife. I am pretty selective in where I enter the conversations. I only add comments when I think I have something valid, and maybe valuable to add. I also tend to look at how many comments have already been made on a discussion topic. If the number is "too high," and I do not know what that number is exactly, I will probably pass. I make my comment, and I leave it. I do not enter into arguments, and I try really hard not to be mean, nasty, provocative, judgmental, etc. My profile is pretty simple and pretty plain. It declares that I am in a relationship; that I am looking for friendship and events, and that I am polyamorous. It also clearly indicates that I am 58 years old. In less than a month, it will show that age to be 59. There is ONE photo, which is a very close up shot of my eyes. You might guess that I was smiling in that photo because you can see the laugh lines. That's it!
I recently received a "friend request" from some guy who lives in my vicinity. Not a neighbor, but not from across the continent either. I looked at the profile and he looked like a person, so I accepted the request. I'm not that into the friend thing one way or another, and I have no reason not to talk with folks that live nearby. For the purposes of this piece, let's just call him "Creepy Internet Guy."
Last night, I was sitting watching the football game with Tom, and cruising down through the Fetlife discussions in my list. Suddenly, my new "friend" was there, messaging me. He immediately told me that he loved my photos, and wanted to get to know me better. He was very familiar, calling me doll, and girly, and baby. He was quick to suggest sexual activities that we might engage in. When I indicated that I was not interested in meeting for casual sex, he questioned (in that butt hurt voice you can hear through the text), "Aren't you polyamorous." When I explained that I was poly and in a long-standing, stable triad, he reiterated that he just wanted to play -- maybe some oral sex would interest me? Gah!!!!!
It made me think about Melly, who must run into these characters all the time. I'm pretty sure they are not only found on Fetlife -- or even just online. She is young and attractive and relatively inexperienced -- not nearly 60 like me. She lives in a world where there is a tendency to want to casually hookup. I don't think that the casual hookup is necessarily a bad thing if that is what you want, but I wonder how often people skip all the preliminaries -- the most rudimentary bits of getting acquainted, in favor of a quick, meaningless sexual romp? How does Melly cope with these guys, and how does she feel about them and about herself in that context? What lines does she draw for herself? What are her expectations and her goals in terms of intimacy and relationship? Does she know that?
The short online exchange made me think about Joan in her nice, safe marriage. I wonder if she ever encounters this kind of thing? I don't think she probably does. Marriage can act as a fortress and a shield. I bet Joan would think my Creepy Internet Guy was gross and disgusting, but I imagine she might figure that I opened myself up, and somehow deserved his creepy advances. Probably most middle class, educated, socially mainstream folks would agree with her. After all, the guy must have had some reason to believe that his overtures would be welcomed -- right? Single woman, in an alternative lifestyle, with an avowed willingness to love in unusual ways, with no visible male defender... yeah, I suppose I look "available" by some measures.
I'm not certain what to think about my online pursuer. Desperate? That seems pretty likely to be true. What on Earth would cause you to think that making crass advances to someone you have NEVER met, or even spoken with, is the approach that is going to work for you? Insecure? That could be too. Maybe my "friend" hasn't got the social acumen to enter into a conversation in the sort of usual way; exchange some information; engage in a conversation long enough to establish some kind of rapport and sense of connection before suggesting physical intimacies. Maybe he is just not comfortable enough to believe that, if he let me get to know him first, I'd still talk to him, let alone fuck him. Maybe he figures that I am the desperate one. After all, I am an OLD woman in a culture that values youth and beauty above all else. Maybe he equates "polyamourous" with "promiscuous," and figures that the willingness and ability to love more than one person at a time means that I have no standards and no expectations for those lovers.
Who knows? I think I have come away with more questions than answers. I'm not angry or even offended. Bemused, maybe. How is it that we can have come so far toward greater acceptance and tolerance for one another, and still hold on to so many weird and antiquated ideas? What an odd, odd set of circumstances.
For the record, I made it clear that I do not play casually, and that I was not looking for a hookup. With that information, my "friend" vanished into the night and hasn't been seen or heard from since. I am pretty certain he is off seeking easier prey. I wish him good hunting.