Thinking about Blogging

There have been two entries at two different blogs in the last few days that have had me feeling "pensive."

One was a piece that lenora put up about an unknown, and now probably unknowable writer, who came and stayed in the world of blogging about "what it is that we do" -- and then (apparently feeling discouraged) left again. It has that lingering sense of I was here but no one really noticed me feel to it. Makes me want to go, "but wait..." And of course, there isn't anyone to say, "but wait..." to. Part of me knows that it is extremely unlikely that the invisible explorer who leaves that whisper behind will really vanish permanently. I know, as lenora puts it, that the toothpaste cannot be put back into the tube. Still, the days of trying to pull that trick off can be painful and lonely... I wonder WHY the blog was begun; what hopes imbued that reaching out -- and what hurting caused the drawing back. And part of me feels sad and sorry and a little bit ashamed. I never found this one I don't think. But if I did, I doubt I'd have invested much time or energy. Not the overly friendly sort. As I look around the circle, I know there are far more friendly ones than me; and I know that I annoy the heck out of even those who do put up with me... way too blunt and way too opinionated and not nearly interesting enough. It's far more likely that this one would have been drawn to the brighter lights of the BDSM blogging circle. I just wonder how that must be when you are new and scared and tentative and trying to figure it all out.

Then there's this bit of uncertainty from kaya about why she continues to write her own online journal at this point. Her life and mine couldn't be more different, and yet we sometimes find congruence in our thinking -- although I think I've stepped on her toes here recently without intending to. Still, I fully understand the dichotomy that comes with the business of writing what lies within while knowing it is read by those who are "outside." To stay open and honest while keeping your balance in the face of that is a difficult and delicate thing. She balances a much bigger and much more demanding fan club than I do -- with more grace.

So, why write? Why write this way? I think for each of us the answer is different.

For me, the first and enduring answer is because He told me to -- has not told me I can stop. What I write has never been defined or dictated, so I just write: my thinking, my feelings, our lives. There are surely more intense blogs. I know this. There are blogs that get far higher readership and many more comments. There are times when what I think annoys people, or baffles people, or simply bores people. There have been times when people have been angry with me, or angry with Him, or critical of us. I've just kept writing. There have been people, along the way, that I've come to feel close to. Some have stayed for the long haul -- some have vanished and are deeply missed. I don't think I've ever deleted a comment that wasn't one of ours (deleted comments are usually one of the ones that one of us puts up, finds a typo in, and then takes down and re-posts with corrections).

I also write because it helps me think, helps me sort, helps me settle. I talk to myself here. Sometimes it feels like talking in an empty room. Sometimes that feels frustrating. Sometimes not. I try to remember I'm not (primarily) writing for an audience, although my statistics tell me there is one. It isn't that kind of blog. Sometimes, what gets written here gets conversations going. That can be good.

I don't know. I still am not sure what THIS is. It really isn't a community in any real sense. Not a neighborhood. Not a gathering place. I wanted it to be that, but it really is an odd sort of empty sort of concert hall -- or collection of concert halls, where each of us comes to sing our particular song. I do wonder if all of us are well suited for concert halls...

swan