keeping our heads above water

I often feel I'd like to write something about our present experience, but am not able to find words or energy to do so.

There is so much in flux here. We are all effected by swan's sincere mourning of her very real loss. At times this means holding her. At times it means probelm solving. At times it means confronting angry behavior when that behavior becomes extreme. It always means reassuring her that her faimly is with her, cares, and that her presence in our family is permanent, committed, and unending. It is not contingent on her health. It is not contingent on her sexual functioning. It is not contingent on her age. It IS. Just as my love for her IS. Just as my attraction to her IS.

I have found her, I believe, the best medical care we can to help with this. I am now trying to help her get the care she needs for her depression and to support her through all of this. The recent roller coaster of her feeling stigmatized at seeking and beginning aniti-depressant medication, to feeling better a week later, to developing an allergic reaction a day later, to dealing this week with the side effects of suddenly discontinuing of her medication, and the attendant disappointment, has been difficult.

I wish I knew a better love making technique that would make her feel as she did...or at least feel better now. I wish I was able to more effectively help her sensually re-integrate if that is what is needed. What I am doing is clearly not the answer. Is the answer about my love-making? I don't know.

Meanwhile as sue goes through her integration into a wonderful new school experience, (thank god she has this in her life) I am going through one of the most professionally intense times ever. This weekend I/we have a fundraising event Saturday and a huge advocacy event on Sunday. When I say "I/we" I mean that. My work is "cause-based" and both t and sue have become very invovled in the cause with me and will spend much of their weekend working by my side. We have had numerous working weekends lately, and much time too devoted to dealing with a care crsis in my parents' lives (I'm the only child of an 86 year old mother with Alzheimer's and an 88 year old father). Poor t is, I think, just trying to hold onto both of us and do whatever she can to help and support us both as she works and lives her life too. It would be easier if all we had to do was just worry about the sexual health crisis Sue is undergoing.

Oh yeah, and then there is the other big change. Twelve days ago I went to the Dr. for my quarterly check-up. My Dr. spent little time with me. She told me that my liver scan had showed I have fatty liver syndrome. This appears to be something most middle-aged Americans have and in and of itself, it is not a major problem........not a problem, that is, if you don't drink alcohol. Well I do.....or I did until 12 days ago. I have not had a drop since then (Dr.'s orders) and am determined I will not again (I love drinking but somehow I suspect life would just not be the same without a liver). But this is a big change. I drank daily for years.. and in some quantity. Those of you who are old friends know that this has been a bone of contention in my reltionship with t and sue for years. I have quit twice before amidst much melo-drama and angst. This time for whatever reason it has been pretty easy. I just stopped drinking. I must have been ready to do this. I am now very taken with tea. My God I've become a "tea-totaler." I have over the years in maintaining my health, and dealing with my diabetes, given up the foods I once enjoyed, and given up smoking, but I always felt if I was careful about the carbs in what I drank......I could still drink!!!! Now I can't even do that. I'd like to say that I don't have aculturated masculine imprinting that says that drinking is macho, but I'd be lying. Sitting about watching football, grunting and scratching, to a nice cup of orange peako tea is well...... as sue joked yesterday, I may soon start making lace doilys. I've threatened something even more emasculating...that if this keeps up I could become a Republican:) So that is another big shift that is in our lives...and by the way...not all negaitve in its impact. I've lost 10 pounds since I quit. I hope that continues.

So this is an overview of the context of sue's life as she has been sharing about it. There actually was a pretty neat spanking and sex sceme last Sunday. Goodness knows when we'll have time for that again -- likely a week from tomorrow.

I still feel unendingly Dominant, but our life circumstances too are intervening in ways that make its overtly sensual/erotic expression difficult. Fortunately my life affords me ample real opportunities to be "in control."

You know admidst all of this, I hope we can get to the point of recognizing that we are together as a Triad, something that five years ago was only a dream. That, yes, we have middle-aged health crises, but we are together for them, and in love, and loving, and supporting each other. I wish we could realize that so many of those who share our lifestyle are at best living in long disatance "sometime" relationships, if they have any sort of real time relatedness at all. That we are, while not rich, wealthy enough to have good late model cars, and a nice home (2 side by side:), and food, and medical care and opportunities like we have tonight to go to the theatre for a comedey (Spamalot.)

There is much we've lost and that we would have back if we could. I'd love to drink again. I can't. We have so much and we need to become happy and fulfilled with the gifts we have. We can do nothing with what we lack.

I hope this doesn't come off as "look at the bright side, the cup is half full, not half empty," patronizing platitudes. That is very much not what I want to say.

We have real loss, real grief, real feelings.

I will assure that we get through this, even if at the moment all the answers are not clear to me.

I will make our lives fufilling.

Sheesh, I fear this post may sound inane, but I had to finally end my silence.

T and sue, I love you so much. While things are not easy now, I wake up each day grateful for you both and your love, submission, and devotion to me and each other. I love our home and our lifestyle. Tonight as I don my leathers and we three go arm and arm into the Theatre confounding our right wing community's theocratic values, I will be thrilled and proud to be with my loves and the Dominant of our family. We have challenges in our lives as we go through yet another of life's passages. We too are able, all three of us, to be leaders and advocates in bringing enlightenment, and joy, and peace to others as we create freedom from the tyranny of bigotry of religious orthodoxy, and exploitive hatred that is about to be rolled back in our society..... a rolling back we will get to see, be part of, and to benefit from.

I love you both. Too I am grateful for so many friends here who have been so good to us, and espeically sue as she has struggled this past year.

We will survive, grow and become well and fulfilled (not to mention very well-spanked--well they will:)

Tom

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.