I am depressed.
It is terribly hard for me to write those words.
I have fought and avoided saying that; fought admitting the truth of it for many months now. I am ashamed to have to say it here, but it is a fact, and it is overwhelming much of my life right now. It keeps me mute here much of the time; keeps me from saying anything of substance a good part of the time; prevents me from contributing around the circle in any very meaningful way; and too often brings me out sounding and feeling angry and bitter. The simple reality is that I am often envious of those who by virtue of age or luck have their femininity intact, their sexuality undiminished -- and I am often threatened and prone to see enemies where none exist.
I cannot sleep. I am beyond sad. I cry at things that mean almost nothing. I am ready to fight at the slightest provocation. My anger is wide ranging and without bounds. It pours forth as my joy and happiness used to. I lie awake in the darkness of the night, alone with my hurt and my rage, and imagine using His many and varied knives to cut my flesh simply so that I might watch the blood flow... I consider the potential for suicide and homicide. I have not acted on any of that, but the thoughts are there, and they scare the heck out of me.
This morning, in just a few minutes, I will leave for the doctor's office to seek help with this problem that I cannot fix by myself. I am terrified, horrified, embarrassed. I feel broken and lost and weak. I've tried to "choose to be happy," hoping that if I pretended happiness, it would take somehow, but the depression is only getting worse. He will be with me, otherwise, I don't think I could do this.
I am sorry if you have gotten caught in one of my rages, one of my tantrums, one of the barages I've sent out in all of this. None of you have deserved any of it. I apologize. I know I should have been better, stronger, more balanced. Please forgive me.
swan
Swan...
ReplyDeleteYou are very brave to write this last post.
I know what it is like to pretend to be happy...that everything is o.k. when it is so not o.k.....
Just to write down what you are feeling takes great courage....for me, it would make it all real, and that is very hard to do.
Just wanted to let you know how your post touched me, and that my thoughts are with you.
Bo
I don’t know what to say.
ReplyDeleteI want desperately to reach out and help you but the very thought that I can do so is the height of arrogance.
What the hell! -- I can at least try.
I am going to tell you a storey.
I met May about ten years ago. She was deeply depressed and had been off work for about a year. She had been a chaplain at a very large Catholic High School. One of the very first female chaplains in the Catholic system. I like to think that the pressure of being a woman in that position is enough to depress anyone but the fact it that (Like your master says) it was simply a matter of a chemical imbalance in her brain.
It wasn’t easy. She tried many medications before finding the right ones. She even subjected herself to shock treatment.
I’m not sure why, but the four of us became very close. I suppose that Marty could offer her the security of a wise and loving mother while I served as the mentally retarded father. (The appeal to me was obvious. Here was a trained theologian that I could best in a theological argument. – Unfortunately she got better and was able to beat my ass with both hands tied behind her back.)
The fact is! -- She got better. It was hard but she got better. She is presently the principal of a Catholic High school. It wasn’t easy but SHE GOT BETTER!
So will you.
Jack
Dear swan,
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for what you are feeling. And I’m frustrated. Frustrated because there’s no advice that I can offer, no words of wisdom, no personal stories to share that will help make you feel better right now. But I can say this: Your recent friendship and mentorship has given me an inner strength and calm about my lifestyle orientation that I’ve never, ever had before. I love knowing that if I have questions about my journey, or I get scared or feel in danger, that you’ll be there to listen without judging me, and that if I ask, to offer the kind of sage advice that comes only from the intelligent interpretation of life experience.
The thoughts that you are feeling are scary, for you and those who care about you. It’s important to remember, though, that these feelings are not rendered from your character. Rather, they are the handiwork of temporary imbalances in those elements within that usually pour forth the joy and happiness to which you allude. Kind of like a little internal power exchange. ;-) I’m confident that Master Tom, T and the doctors will help you restore the balance of power that makes you who you are.
You are a special person, swan. Many people recognize that and love you for it. If you need to talk, please feel free to call.
Thinking of you,
dawn
There is nothing I can say that will help in the least but I do hope it comes as a small comfort to know that you are not alone, and that many people - myself included - are keeping you quietly in their thoughts and hearts.
ReplyDeleteI was absolutely certain that I didn't want anyone to know about this; didn't want people to "see" me doing this. I was sure that I didn't want the outpouring of "sympathy" that I knew writing about this would bring. But, your words have filled me with hope and a sense of courage, and I am grateful.
ReplyDeleteI wanted only to go away; to simply stop writing this blog. I begged Master to write some sort of goodbye message here so that people wouldn't see us suddenly vanish, and then I'd shut it down. Of course, He refused that and encouraged me to write the truth about what was happening. He was right -- more than right.
Thank you for your stories shared, for your words of support and encouragement, for your aligning with me, for your kindness.
I cannot know what I will have to share from here. I just cannot see the path ahead and I am afraid. I do not feel brave or wise or any of the things that you all seem to see. I'll share what I can. Just please know what a gift you all are.
swan
swan,
ReplyDeleteI wish you all the best and the first step to getting better is what you have done by seeking Professional help....
I have been in same position, that is deep depression, so I give two thumbs up for going to the Doctor early.
If you need to talk, please feel free to contact Myself or morningstar privately and if W/we can be of assistance W/we will.
Sir,
Owner of morningstar
swan,
ReplyDeleteI am on LJ so I don't run into you as often as I do some of my LJ friends, but we do have some mutual friends whose blogs you post comments on so I do run into you at times other than when I come to visit your blog. And no matter where I read your words (in your posts or in comments to others), I find much that is good in your words.
One of the reasons that I am drawn to you is that I am an almost 50 year old (will be 50 on 12/29/07) post hysterectomy slave dealing with the problems (almost 4 years later) that come from no longer having the fully functioning body of a woman ... for example, I am much smaller and tighter now since my hysterectomy and penetration by anything even moderate in size is very painful to the point of being virtually impossible ... not exactly ideal for a slave ...
I hope you never disappear. It means a lot to me to read another slave who undertands the problems that come along when you aren't 20 or 30 anymore.
wishing you all the best as you search for the help you need to begin to reclaim your life for yourself and your family.
**sending you a warm hug**
Master Pepe's angel
swan,
ReplyDeleteTom is right you know. This is an illness, not a weakness. Some people survive it, some do not. Some people need help in order to survive it, some do not. It makes you neither better or worse than any other person, only the same as some, different than others.
The first step takes the most courage, admitting a problem.
My Master tells me often that when the pain of doing nothing is greater than the pain of doing something...one will do 'something' whatever it may be, rather than nothing.
It seems that for you, the pain of doing nothing IS greater than the pain of doing something.
Should you ever feel the need of anything, you have a wide selection of people, myself included, to draw whatever you may need from.
Warm hugs and peaceful wishes,
magdala~
Swan,I'll second what Magdala said, she's a wise woman, she of course will deny that.
ReplyDeleteAfter my Mel died I lived with depression for some years, it took a wise and strong person to make me see that it is an illness, it is dear Swan, and it can be cured.
You are one strong woman, you will get through this.
Sending you strength and healing.
Warm hugs,
Paul.
On the 15th day of November 2005 T wrote a blog entry entitled " Spirit of the Blue Heron" - it took me some looking to find it again...... but it seemed important to me to find that post today.....
ReplyDeletewatch out over the pond swan i just KNOW that there will be ... one day soon.. a visit from the heron...
morningstar (owned by Warren)
*big hugs*
ReplyDeleteswan, just know you're in my thoughts. Depression is not weakness nor is it a personal failure. It happens to the best and strongest of us. I've lived with depression and panic/anxiety disorder since I was about seven years old. Notice I say lived, not suffered.
It is simply a condition, much like arthritis or diabetes. You take medicine to alleviate the symptoms and strive for quality of life the same as you would with any other chronic (long time)illness. I know while you're in the middle of it all, it doesn't feel that way. It feels more like the end of life as you know it and it's almost impossible to imagine, or even remember, feeling good and happy. I have taken meds on and off for many years, the last time I needed medication I'd had a full breakdown. I could not function at all on my own. I couldn't even leave the house without A and at times I couldn't even bear to be in the same room with other people or to have the TV on. In order to get through a shower I had to talk to myself "First wash my hair, then condition it, then wash my body, rinse, wash again...,etc." To be honest, I probably should have been hospitalized and heavily medicated. Being as stubborn as I am, I chose to try to deal with it on my own and went for a couple of weeks before I admitted I couldn't do it on my own. A used up most of his vacation days during that time because I couldn't be left alone. I used the medication for about six months to a year before I decided I no longer needed it. That was about six or seven years ago, I think. I've learned methods to better cope with things and I accept that these are conditions, as I said, and I just have to adapt. If I have a flare up I have no qualms about going to the doctor and asking for medication again.
Be aware that it may take time to find the right medication or dose to alleviate your symptoms, this will take time so try to not get frustrated if you don't have immediate improvement.
I agree with Tom, you need to continue to write. I'll add that you need to talk too, even if it is embarrassing. Getting it out, in print or verbally, means it's not sitting inside you festering. I'd liken it to lancing a boil, you have to do so in order to heal it. The same goes with any mental illness, you've got to lance the wound (writing/talking about it) and treat it (medication/therapy)in order for it to heal.
I'm very fond of you swan and although I'm a virtual stranger, I care about you and about what happens to you. I have empathized and mourned silently with you over the losses you've experienced in the past year.
Please be gentle with yourself. I'm really glad that you're seeking professional help with this. You're ever in my thoughts lovely lady. *hugs*
I wish you the best in your journey, I really do. It is not an easy one, but getting help is a step in the right direction.
ReplyDeleteIt's nice you have a family unit who supports you. Just think of what it would be like if you were in a family unit and got no support. Hmmmm. Can you imagine that? It shouldn't be too hard.
If it were possible I think you'd find all of us in your living room, and with a gaggle of voices we'd overwhelm you with support.
ReplyDeleteAt time it's necessary to remind ourselves that the people that comment to us, or those that we read are 'only' people on the internet. But other times, it's helps to remember that we are actually real people across the internet. We do come to care, we think of our 'friends' away from the monitor... and words matter. In as much as we can be, we're here for you. In thought and in words.
There is a plethora of treatment available for depression these days. Some of the medications will make you positively giddy. And some will not work at all. Don't be discouraged if the first prescription isn't the right one for you, or the second, possibly even the third. Every person's chemical make-up is different and it can be a process of elimination to find what combination of chemicals rights yours. Be patient and communicate with the doc.
There is a pretty strong relation between endorphins, hysterectomy and depression. You were cut off from your endorphin-feed following your surgery because you couldn't participate in the pain play you were used to. For some, that's as traumatic as any junkie being abruptly cut off from their drug of choice. And 50 to 70% of women experience depression after a hysterectomy, due in part to the failure of natural endorphin release from ovarian hormones. You got a double-whammy to the endorphin factory. Add on to that all of the other psychological aspects of mourning, the sense of loss, all the things that you described feeling early on post-surgery. A person's body is really a delicate balance of chemical harmony. Your's has been interrupted. But it is fixable. That's the important thing to remember.
kaya
Swan (and Tom and T as well),
ReplyDeleteI can't possibly add anything significant to what has already been said, but if it helps at all, know there is one more voice out in the Internet wilds who is with you in spirit.
-Avid
I really admire you for writing this. To be able to just say it flat out, that you're depressed. That something is wrong, and that you're going to get help. It's an absurdly hard thing to do, and like Avid I just wanted to add my little voice of support.
ReplyDeleteIt just takes little tiny steps. Until one day you wake up and realize that you're a lot better than you were, and that's a really great day- I just had it last week, so look forward to it, because I know you'll find it soon.