We're Not in Kansas Anymore

We've been navigating a whole series of difficult, or at least challenging, passages lately. This business of making the transition to "later life" relatedness in a polyamorous/BDSM relational dynamic is feeling as complex as just about anything I've ever tried to learn how to do. That could be (probably is) just because I tend to overthink absolutely everything, but I really do think that between the physical parts and the emotional parts and the financial parts, there is way more to balance here than there was just a few years ago. I believe that I am up to it when I'm "at my best" -- when my mind is functioning clearly, and I'm not in the grip of some hormonal lunacy, and I am not physically half dead, and I'm not making myself nuts about just paying this month's bills -- so how the hell are we ever going to retire and how are we ever going to keep on doing this until we are all in our nineties...


I am appreciative of the time and sincere concern and caring that people invested in responses to my last "identity crisis" post. I probably really do need to "embrace" the new realities of the shifted and diminished responsiveness that is a fact and result of the hysterectomy, and I need to stop or finish or complete the mourning for what has been lost and get over the last bits of my anger at that whole passage. I think I've made progress on that front. I am not nearly as desperate or as angry as I was. Not nearly as obsessively wrapped up in it all as I was a year ago. But I haven't completely forgotten that there has been a loss either, and I haven't gotten to a place of being "happy" with the change. As for the "depression" issue, I will "give" you all the acknowlegement that I tend toward the depressive side. I did a couple of different anti-depressant medications last winter/spring. There was some improvement in mood -- I was less emotionally "volatile" I think. I also felt generally crappy, and (with medical guidance) I ended that medical intervention. I did a course of "therapy" with a therapist (the whole "talk therapy" thing). He was kink friendly (Master found him), and I'm sure he was good and competent. The reality was simply that the things he was poking at were things that are simply not changeable/negotiable in my life. I am not willing or able to be more open about my lifestyle, and hence the likelihood of creating a wider "friendship" circle is nil. I am unable/unwilling to make any real changes in the power structure of my life, and so the things that cause me to be incredibly anxious are not going to go away. Continuing to make regular trips to the therapist to chat about all of that seemed like a waste of time, energy, and money. It still does. I know the limits of what I can/will change to reduce my discomfort. As for a low-GI diet, our diet is tailored to manage type II diabetes in both Master and T. We control very carefully for carbohydrates, fats, and sodium. In terms of diet, I am eating better -- with more care and awareness -- than probably 95% of the people I know. A more intensive exercise regimen is probably a good prescription. When I walked regularly, I was better. And -- I know the parameters of the childhood abuse. I know the who and the how and I know that there is no recovering the parents I wish I'd had. I have given myself permission to not deal with my mother who remains mean, nasty, hateful with me to this day. I have reconstructed the memories of the abuse. I have walked the path. I'm done.


I do continue to scrabble and claw my way into some kind of place of reasonable comfort with my SM orientation. The shift in my "capacity" from five years ago is apparent to me, continually in my awareness, a source of real anxiety for me, something that I worry about in terms of how I "measure up." I know that Roy recommends that we simply lay off the heavy stuff, and do "mental" dominantion, but it really isn't that simple. For one thing, it only takes a very few days before I'm climbing the walls, needing to be spanked. Pain is part of my sexual expression. So even as I struggle to cope with it, I still crave it physically and emotionally. Having lost the "other," I cannot fathom what losing that too would mean... As for "mental" dominantion, I know there are partners who play that way, but it really isn't a big part of our dynamic. He is a spanker, not a talker. We don't do rules and protocols and fancy games. I'm doing good to get "language" during a session, or verbal feedback afterwards (unless I ask for it, and even then it is likely to sound like, "you were fine."). This is not going to go "soft."

One of the tricky passages that we are navigating our way through is the NEED He has to spank other people. It is the way He is. The way He has always been. I knew that about Him in the very beginning. There were no secrets, and it isn't a surprise, although for awhile, it sort of stayed out of the picture because it just did. I don't know what the reasons for that were or are. It doesn't matter. It is probably too bad, as I look back at it, that things happened that way, because I came to feel secure in the absence of those "other people," and I forgot that they were really out there.

Now, we are "poly." I've written a lot about how our family works, about how we make things go, about our dynamics. Still, it is a "closed" kind of poly-ness that feels safe to me. I know who is here, and I know what to expect, and I know who will be around the dinner table and in the bedroom each night. I know, when I make a call, home who to expect to answer the phone. I know who handles which things. I like that. I'm shy. I don't like strangers, and I don't meet people easily, and mostly, I don't really trust people very easily. The "fact" of the matter is that HE is poly. I'm poly because I am here; because I fell into this relationship and poly made this work. Everything beyond the edge of that "little" comfortable (although alternative) world we've carved out scares the living crap out of me.

However, after five years, He is not willing to limit Himself to "just me" any longer. So there will be others. There is already one on the way. He's been careful to manage that in ways that He felt would not threaten me. Love for me has driven Him to constrain His drives in ways that He probably would not choose to otherwise. Intellectually, I understand His need and desire. Emotioanlly, I have a very difficult time not feeling as if I've been judged and found wanting. I find it very hard not to get into "if only" mode -- "if only I'd play harder, cry less, respond better, like it more..." He tells me that none of that is true, and I believe Him, but I FEEL the other response anyway.

So, I understand that I am afraid, and we are moving ahead anyway. He will spank other people. He will be happier, and I will become less afraid with time. We will put up metaphorical signs out in front of the place that direct the "BUTTS" to form one line, wait quietly, deposit their trash in the appropriate containers, and not park on the street (it's against the rules of the condo complex). I'll get over my squickiness about who's blood and whatever is on which toys. I'll stop wondering (I hope) about who is better at it than me. We'll get through this and I hope I'll grow some. That's the next part of the path.

Part of me (the little, whiny, coniving, passive-aggressive, bitchy part) wants to use all of that to negotiate. I find myself thinking, "Yeah, that's all great forYou, but what do I get out of it? You get to go out and sample the spanking wonders of the world, and I'm going to be right here 'owned' just like always, waiting patiently for You to be done with whoever. There won't be any need or drive for You to explore further with me, and even less chance that we will ever find the keys that set me free to 'enjoy' and fly again." Morningstar wrote this great piece recently in response to a question about what helps her to handle pain. She could have been in my head for a good part of what she wrote, but this section was like a recipe for a dream session:

Things that help me get past the BAD pain.. despite the time of day.. or my
mind set.. is when Sir spends a goodly amount of time connecting to my body with
touches.. it helps me relax and feel there is something out there more than just
a flogger or cane causing pain......... See when Sir touches me.. rubs against
me.. or caresses me.. i feel Him and know i am not alone.. that we are doing
this together.. for the pleasure of both..........Another thing that really
helps me get over the top .. and this is just me..... is if Sir pushes my legs
far apart and fucks me from behind.. giving me orgasms upon orgasms in between
the floggings....... my mind starts to associate the pain with sexual
pleasure... or the orgasms release the much needed endorphins to get me over the
top......

Sigh. I've watched people play like that -- Dominant alternating between giving pain and giving pleasure... until the submissive partner is literally panting, swaying, flying, floating -- until it is all a blend of sensation. It is like a marvelous dance or a dream. It takes time and focus and patience and I can't imagine anyone ever having that much time for me. Or that much patience. For me, and for us, there is that much faster, much more driving sort of session that rarely even acknowledges that I might have "sexual" parts. Afterwards, then, there is the call to fucking, but even then, I'm often playing catch up. I wish I was the sort of masochist that converted pain directly to erotic pleasure. That would make it all simpler. I very rarely achieve that level of "wonderfulness."

Anyway, we are onto a new phase. He told me last night that it was time to stop writing about poly and start really doing it. So. There will be new people in "our" life. They will bring Him great joy I hope. I'm going to focus on not being "crazy" or acting "crazy." Then, with practice, maybe this will all get easy. Easy would be an improvement. Dorothy, after the cyclone had deposited her in Oz, told her dog, Toto, that she was pretty sure that they weren't in Kansas anymore. I imagine I haven't been in "Kansas" for a very long time. I suppose it is time to pick up my stuff and wander off down the yellow brick road and see what is out there. There are people to meet and places to see. Wish me luck. I'll be watching out for the flying monkeys.

swan