BDSM and Domestic Discipline -- Questions

I have found myself involved in an e-mail dialog that is ranging across a breadth of topics. Recent exchanges, however, have focused on a rather off-hand comment I made that, in my experience, many BDSM'ers find the practice of Domestic Discipline appalling. That throwaway comment of mine brought a whole series of questions back, and led me to write the following (slightly edited for form) piece in response:

In response to your questions and comments about the differences and similarities between DD and BDSM, and the perceptions (about one another) in the two "camps," lets be clear that speaking for all BDSM'ers or all DD'ers is, by definition, an exercise in talking in HUGE generalities, and therefore questionable by its very nature. Still, there is, in my experience, a sense of bewilderment/bemusement in the BDSM community when they encounter Domestic Discipline. It really does seem that their response is the counterpart to the lack of understanding that I find in the DD community for BDSM practices.

It is probably fair to ask why some BDSMers find DD appalling?

Because of my history, I cross the lines between the two groups. I was a "DD'er" before I was a full-fledged "BDSM'er." I found my way into spanking through the gateway marked "Domestic Discipline." It is where I started out. I came to BDSM, and my eventual self-identification as submissive/slave, and masochist, later. What I knew/learned when I first began to explore my desire for spanking and control inside of my intimate relationships, I learned in the Domestic Discipline realm. So, that was my earliest exposure and vocabulary. To me, it made a kind of sense - at least in the beginning. My struggle with it was that I am submissive enough that if the rules were put in place to be and do (or not do) certain things in certain ways, then I worked intently and consistently to implement that. For me, that was about integrity and relational honesty. Very quickly, the need for discipline evaporated in my life - although my need for spanking didn't. Hence, the eventual move to explore other aspects of BDSM.

The simple truth for me is that I AM this way. It isn't something I do for fun or thrills (although there is certainly some element of fun and sexual excitement in what we do). It is my belief that there are all kinds of people who find their way into BDSM, but that, if we talk about experienced, sincere, serious BDSM practitioners, then most of those people are going to have some understanding that what drives their practice is something essential to their identity, and an elemental part of their sexual and erotic orientation. They understand that the kinds of relational dynamics that are found within the context of BDSM are connective, personally empowering (even when there may be control ceded for some individuals), and life enhancing.

I think that what causes some BDSM practitioners to be troubled by Domestic Discipline is the perception that it is a model that is founded in a cycle of establishing rules which are intended to be broken such that there can be repeated cycles of punishment. Honestly, the entire cycle is perceived as grim and damaging. Either that, or it is viewed as a bizarre sort of game aimed at creating a spanking environment without really acknowledging that as the goal. In that event, it seems a bit disingenuous (at the very least). Even among those who "play" with disciplinary-based scenarios, or who (like us) incorporate discipline within our dynamics, there is generally an assumption that true discipline is a sometimes necessary but rare, emotionally difficult, and the least enjoyable aspect of our relating to one another.

I realize that some of those (BDSM community) judgments may be erroneous and based on misperceptions and a lack of experience with real, functioning, healthy DD relationships. In that regard, those in the BDSM community who look askance at Domestic Discipline make the same mistakes about their evaluation of it as a relationship dynamic as the folks on the DD side of the spectrum so often do with regard to their BDSM brothers and sisters.

I always find that lack of basic understanding between these two "factions" interesting, because it seems so clear to me that they are related. It seems so obvious to me that Domestic Discipline is simply a "subset" of BDSM -- one of many variations. Still, over and over, I've been asked why I feel that way. The answer to that question begins simply, and then gets a little deeper...

At the most prosaic level, the letters in the acronym "BDSM" stand for a range of erotic/sexual/relational behaviors or practices: Bondage - Discipline - Dominance - Submission - Sadism - Masochism. I know of only a very few people within the lifestyle who actually participate in all the various parts of that list. I do know a whole lot of people who do some of those things within the context of their power exchange based relationships. In my view, the common thread is always that we all practice deliberate forms of relational power exchange. Some of us incorporate bondage but not sadomasochism. Some of us favor discipline dynamics without particular reference to dominance or submission. Others are "into" sadomasochistic eroticism and do not focus on the discipline aspect. There are relationships that are primarily service oriented but have no bondage or sadomasochistic elements. The point is that it is ALL BDSM. You do not have to do it all to be doing it. I've never found anyone who specializes in the very lovely practice of Shibari rope bondage that will claim that they are not into BDSM. They know that they are practicing out on one of the corners of the lifestyle, and that is all fine and good. It seems that it is only the Domestic Discipline wing of the family that insists that they are not "us." I've been through that discussion more times than I can count; been kicked off more than one online discussion forum precisely because I dared to give voice to the ultimate heresy: that DD is just a subset of BDSM. It does seem to make a certain segment of the DD world a bit crazy. I think it is entirely due to the image that we BDSM'ers have - that leathered up, fetished out, whip and chain-toting bunch of perverts that no sane, healthy, reasonable, responsible, "nice" person wants to be connected with. Never mind that many of those overheated images are directly from the porn industry, and have next to nothing to do with the real lifestyle; I am not ever going to convince the "Susie-Housewife-who-just-wants-her-HOH-to-spank-her" that it really isn't like that. To tell you the truth, I don't care what anyone wants to think about it all. Denying that DD is a subset of BDSM is (as Himself would say) like claiming that a Chevrolet is not an automobile. It is just silly.

No matter what kind of label you try to hang on your flavor of BDSM, it is about power exchange. Period.What different people then DO within the power exchange is as unique as the people who do it. It doesn't require a marriage license. It doesn't require a collar. It doesn't require that the partners live together fulltime. It doesn't require spanking, bondage, rules, piercings, boot blacking, service, sex, etc. It might involve just about any of those things -- or a whole list of other practices that I haven't listed -- but there is really only one place where ALL the various practices come together... That is in the realm of consensual, deliberate, intentional power exchange. While all human relationships / interactions involve power dynamics, what we do is done with conscious intent. That requires that there be individuals, aware of their own personal power, choosing to share and exchange that power in some intentional and defined fashion. There are an almost infinite number of structures for how that might be accomplished. Sometimes, that power exchange is very, very temporary, and at other times, it is intended to be permanent with regard to the lifetimes of the partners.

I believe that ALL of the conversations and battles that we get into about who is within the circle of BDSM, and then who is more or better or truer or whatever than anyone else is simply our natural urge to establish a "pecking order" among ourselves. We are, at the heart of it all, social animals. It is almost more than we can do to keep ourselves from that business of trying to establish (even if it is only in our own minds) which of us are further up the hierarchy. So. Yes. DD and BDSM go together, just like Lipton is, of course tea. They aren't the same, but they surely aren't entirely different either

swan