Wall

Here is the wall that seems to be keeping me quiet these days -- or at least a pretty good picture of it. I come here, day after day, and sit here looking at my screen, and can't think of a single thing to say.

The temptation to simply write, "The End," and be done with it all, is enormous.

It isn't that I am unhappy, or discontented, or sad, or any of that. All the grand melodrama that has driven the flow of words for the last two and a half years seems to have subsided. I really feel as if I've come through a great period of storm and tempest, when all my emotions and reactions were in an uproar all the time -- when I hardly knew who I was half the time. During all those long, weary months, writing here somehow helped me to keep the warring voices in my mind from driving me completely crazy.

But, now, I feel healed finally. The physical scars seem to have stopped aching. More importantly, the emotional doubts have diminished and faded away to memory. I may wobble a bit now and again, but I don't seem to be continually on the verge of utter and complete emotional collapse. I may not be exactly the woman I was "before," but I'm close -- and I am well and healthy. I usually feel good, and my "interest" in life and love and sex and SM is all coming back with something like its old heat.

"We" struggle, still. The days are so busy. Work demands much of each of us, and we get tired and frustrated and worn out and weary. Sometimes, it is easy to wish that we'd hit the lottery, or magically inherit a fortune, so that we could simply stop reporting to the various jobs each day, and relax just a bit. There are never enough hours, and there are far too many demands on our time and our energies. We live for the precious hours of the weekends -- and we burden those days with so many wishes and expectations. It is far too easy to fall short of what we dream of through the work week.

All in all, though, we are living a life we once only dreamed of -- couldn't even dream of. We'd get younger and richer if we could, I'm sure. We'd lie about each day and never leave the happy confines of our home and beds... But life is good, and I haven't got a darned thing to say here that seems very interesting.

swan