Remember the past and believe in the future
I've avoided that one; worked my way around all of the others; and tried really hard not to see this one looming inexorably. This one feels really hard to talk about -- but I started this, and I intend to finish it somehow.
Part of my difficulty with talking about what I remember about our past and what I believe is possible in our future, is that it forces me to contemplate the flow of time in a linear stream -- from back there, to here, to out there somewhere. That pushes against what I think is true -- that time doesn't really work that way, that time is more like a tapestry than a stream. I like feeling that the time that touches me is connected to all the other times that have ever been. Some pull on me more strongly than others, but there I am, caught in the web.
Trying to put the past, present, and future into some kind of sequence takes me out of that "one day at a time, or one moment at a time discipline that has brought me through these last months. Just as I get through the hardest spankings by deliberately focusing on just one stroke; and just as I steadfastly refuse to count because it becomes overwhelming; I am afraid to look very far back, or very far forward.
Too, I am reluctant to revisit the past because I am afraid to disperse the magic with the clearer vision I now possess. I know that there were plenty of warning signs that I should have heeded, and plenty of opportunities to pull myself, and possibly all of us, off of the path that we ultimately followed into the darkness. Knowing that doesn't change the fact that He and I played to the point of rapture. It doesn't change the fact that I once felt utterly free and safe inside of His embrace and under His care. It doesn't erase the memories of moments when we were so close and so intimate and so connected that we came to believe that we were souls forever linked along the pathways of eternity. The future isn't something that I can predict or control. Much of what I hope for myself going forward depends on Him -- and honestly, it is likely too soon to tell where He will ultimately find Himself; or how He will come to feel about me when that does occur. I want to believe that the day will come when He will pull me back, hold me close again, and take me again as "His."
Some days, when I am weary and frustrated and angry and sad because we've had to go through this, it is all that I can do to hold onto that belief -- that dream. Sometimes, when He seems so tired of the whole business, and so unwilling to believe in any future at all, I can feel my own fear wash over me -- and I want to shake Him and somehow MAKE Him figure out how to save us. But I can't make Him do this anymore than I ever could make Him
do anything -- and so I try to keep my balance, hold my tongue, do the things that need doing right now, and believe in the magic that I once held in my hand because I loved Him.
That's all for now...
swan
Remember the past and believe in the future is good advice, as is lots of the other advice he gives. Good luck with it swan.
ReplyDeleteMy mother used to say life was like a tapestry ... that we went through life only seeing the underside, with threads and knots and mess everywhere, but that at the end we'd see the reverse side and finally understand the story it told :)
ReplyDeleteWell I for one LOVE all the references relating life to a tapestry. :)
ReplyDeleteThat bit of selfishness aside, I'm wondering where the author said that in remembering the past and believing in the future we had to dig in and break it all down into little bits and pieces. Does he say that we have to remove the filters we use to remember the past with? Does he say we have to make it linear and not tied up in our now?
I'm asking, because I haven't read the book. He may very well have said we have to strip it bear and get past the good times. But just based on what you shared, that doesn't come through, so I'm wondering if you're over thinking it. My sense of the actual statement you've highlited above is that he's telling us to not lose hope. That there were good times before, and there will be again.
But I don't know for sure. So I'm asking.
And I'm wrapping you tightly in love, and hoping that in the here and now you find yourself, that you will be able to let it go. Relax, and just be. And trust that without you doing anything to make it happen, the Universe will provide for you today, and tomorrow, and always. You are loved.
Tapestry
Tapestry, I haven't really read Gregston's work. I borrowed his list of "things to do" from a site on working with families and teens (he is the director and founder of something called Heartlight Ministries). I wouldn't be surprised if he had books about a number of subjects, but it does all seem to be directed at parents and teens. So the context of my comments isn't something that Gregston would ever have contemplated I'm sure... It's just one of those strange conjunctions that can happen when one does an internet search. I went looking for something about repairing relationships, and that list seemed the most workable framework that I found.
ReplyDeleteswan
To build on something Mistress 160 said: Have you ever seen a tapestry woven? It's an amazing process because there is a linear component...the threads that will end up running the length of the finished masterpiece. They tend to be grey or brown and boring. Then the colors are woven into that warp, creating the whole picture. If you look back at the weft that has been woven in, you see an overall partial picture, i.e. you are remembering. Looking forward you have a pile of yarn and the warp stretching on, waiting for that pile to be created into the picture.
ReplyDeleteIt is your choice as to the level of detail with which you observe the past. Creating the rest of the picture depends in part on imagining (believing in) the future.
Of all the tapestries I've seen both here and abroad, all of them contained a lot of dark thread; it created the contrast necessary for the beauty of the entire picture.
As you work on your tapestry and I work on mine, remember I hold you all in love.
Lyn