SHOULD
be handled in a particular way. I've written out here in the blog universe for a long time, and I've "met" lots of people that I consider friends and companions -- AND, on any given day I will take exception if someone wanders into my space and sounds judgmental about what He and I do inside our relationship.A long time ago, we encountered a lifestyle know-it-all who got into a wrangle with Master about the use of safe words. She was quite sure that she knew how it SHOULD be done, and there was no convincing her that her way wasn't the "only" way. We eventually gave it up, but I came away with a set of personal principles that I intended to put into practice in my own dealings with BDSM and kink. I think that bit might be worth sharing here again...
- When someone says this is what I/we do, or this is how I/we am/are, I'll try to remember to listen carefully and openly. I'll watch myself for strong reactions that may lead me to make judgements that are grounded in my own biases and fears.
- I'll speak (and write), when I speak, respectfully and gently. I'll try to remember that the tone of my words can invite and welcome others to dialog -- or create distance and dissension.
- I'll be mindful that my experience is limited. I'll keep in mind that I am a learner, and that there may be others who have experiences that are beyond what I have seen, tried, experienced, or contemplated. When I encounter something new, I will recognize that I am seeing something that is outside my experience. I will feel free to explore and question things that I do not know or understand, but I will try to avoid moving to condemn or judge based on my own limitations.
- I'll understand that not everyone lives, practices, plays, or relates in the same ways as I do. I will assume that there will be some "ways" that will be outside of the boundaries of my comfort zone. When that occurs, I will understand that I may choose to not participate or endorse without any need to attack or tear down.
Thank you so much, swan. I don't think I realized how much I needed someone to say this until I read it here.
ReplyDeleteAside from all the very important things you said, there is something else it's so easy to forget.
These are our lives we are writing about. Sure, what we put out here goes through various filters in the name of privacy and art and all that. But these are our lives. These are our relationships. This isn't some bit of serialized erotica or two-bit reality show. We are loving and struggling and hurting and working our asses off to make our relationships work.
Sometimes we do in fact need warnings - but we won't heed them if they make us feel defensive. Sometimes some perspective would really help. Sometimes it helps to hear how other people have handled a similar situation - with the clear understanding on all sides that this is what worked (or didn't) for THEM.
The sadist who is my Master doesn't read my blog. He doesn't want me to feel inhibited in what I write. The philosopher, with whom I was previously involved, did read it. One of the only comments I ever deleted was one that I knew would hurt him deeply and threaten an already struggling relationship. I deleted it - but I was too late. He had already read it, and mentioned it in his reasons for breaking up with me.
If bloggers didn't want to be read, we would confine ourselves to private journals. But please. Be thoughtful. Be kind. Be supportive. And remember - we all have a lot to learn.
At least I do...
o.g.
What a lovely set of principles. I will be lifting these to use during a strategic planning process with a large group of people!
ReplyDeleteJust returning again...managing to get away a bit, and taking some of the parents out a bit.
ReplyDeleteLove seeing this. I find it such a good philosophy for life. The longer I live the more aware I become of all I do not know. Why would you begin judging and arguing and cut short your chance to learn something? A give and take where you openly discuss differences I understand. Delving more deeply into someone else's ideas have often moved me more closely to them, shaded my views if theirs are reasoned. Sometimes the opposite has happened. I've found that someone I though was ethical showed opinions they had kept hidden leaving me forever wary of them. Lastly, I think there is always room for more caring in this world, and I want to be a part of that - on both the giving and the receiving end.