Somewhere along the line, I came to believe that asking for His attention was outside of the boundaries of what was appropriate for me inside of our dynamic. Asking, in any of its forms, seemed to me (and please note that it was never anything He expected of me) to impose my expectations and wants on Him. While I have always been clear that He could surely just say, "No," to any of my requests, I still felt uneasy about putting Him in the position of having to do that. More and more, as time went along, I got less and less comfortable with anything that created that sense of demand between the two of us. I was determined not to "top from the bottom;" not to become a "do-me sub." Eventually, that eliminated (or mostly eliminated) asking, hinting, bratting, teasing, plotting, scheming, manipulating, begging, and any other affirmative "I want this" move from my side of the equation. I could get pretty frustrated, but I figured He would do what He chose to do -- and it all seemed "right" to me somehow.
But we are in a new place, beginning from here and now. I'm not sure what the definition of our dynamic really is. He is definitely feeling more switchy; happy on some occasions to be on the receiving end of spankings. I don't think we are exactly "equals," but it does seem that it makes sense for me to let go of some of that rigid, dogmatic, "twue slabe" stuff that I took on myself over the years. He is no mind reader, and it isn't fair to expect that of Him. He is, on the other hand, a GUY with a distinctly dominant bent. As long as things are working for Him, He doesn't always perceive that there is any other set of needs or wants floating out there unanswered. So, I am slowly shifting in my thinking about that whole "asking" thing.
Our usual pattern is to spank in the morning on weekends. School days are just too wild, and we get up too early as it is. While we did, once upon a time, set the alarm half an hour early to allow for time to play and make love, we've lost that urge as we have aged. That extra half hour of sleep is way too tempting for us both. So. Weekend mornings have become our accustomed play time. We wake up. We cuddle and snuggle and chat a bit. We spank. We make love... And then we get up and get on with the day. AND, if that does not happen, we never, ever get back to it later in the day. We might SAY we'll spank later, but we never do. Once the day gets going, it is over with.
Yesterday, we woke up and I ended up spanking Him. He'd been in a "spank me" campaign for several days, and so it went. We have a new riding crop, and that played a starring role in our little scene. I'm not a bad top. He was left with a very cute, very stingy, very rosy butt. Made Him very happy :-)
Today, then, I sort of figured it would be my turn. But, we woke up late and made love. He was hungry. No time to play. I was disappointed, but around here we have a host of health issues that require us to eat when people are hungry, and that includes the reality that I can drop right into a serious migraine if I don't eat at reasonable intervals. So. Breakfast. Scones, as previously reported. Nice. Yummy. All of that. But not the spanking I was hoping for...
Unmistakable. Clear declaration. Without writing a whole treatise about feeling sad and abandoned and neglected, I managed to convey the sense of need I'd been feeling all day. He heard it and it wasn't long before I was "sunny side up" over His knee. I got a more serious spanking than I've had in a very long time; complete with plenty of squealing and begging and groaning and tears. He left me with a very stingy, very tingly backside. He was thrilled and so was I. I "sort of" asked for what I wanted, and He happily delivered. I don't think either of us felt our dynamic was jeopardized in the event. Duh! So there's a bit of a change that happened and it all turned out just fine. :-)
swan
I have a similar issue, not so much from internal feelings of wanting to be a good slave as from Mistress very clear uncomfort when she's confronted with expectations. In the beginning I happily asked/demanded/begged for what I wanted, and was on occasion met with a firm slap down. Which led me to never ask/beg or even whisper about something that I wanted, which, in turn, made me bitter and angry and left her a little alone and a little confused.
ReplyDeleteSo. I'm striving to find that place where I can say what I want without creating expectations. To acknowledge and own my own wants and needs and not be ashamed of them, without going hysterical when they're not immediately met. But it isn't always easy.
Good for you for figuring out a way!
Saying what you want without saying what you want is a difficult business. I see nothing wrong with asking, even if you are on the bottom. Bottoms are expected to have wants just as tops do, and few people are mind readers. Why make it difficult?
ReplyDeleteMalcolm -- many things have been "made difficult" as we've gone along. It may be a character flaw of mine -- that making things more difficult. I seem to have a knack for it. I am hoping I've learned better, but time will surely tell...
DeleteHappy new year to you and yours.
swan
Just putting my half cent's worth in, I think trying to get someone to figure out what you want (rather than just asking) puts a lot of pressure on both parties. I've been on both sides of this dynamic (the not-asking dynamic), and I know we often misread each other to sometimes disastrous consequences. It sounds like you are really thinking through how to acknowledge your own wants and needs in a positive way that's fair to you but doesn't set up unreasonable expectations. Good luck. And happy new year! I feel like if (pray god) the most dysfunctional group in the world can figure out a way to climb back up the fiscal cliff, anything is possible.
ReplyDelete