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We are three adults living in a polyamorous triad family. The content here is intended for an adult audience. If you are not an adult, please leave now.
And then, I found myself in a circumstance where the One Up partner in my power dynamic stopped actively engaging in that "role." Note, I do not think He has stopped being that. I still believe that dominance is His innate way of being in the world, and I don't think He can change that. Still, the reality is that He has had other things on His mind, and His heart has not been in the active work of "keeping me in place."
I have been less that sweet and graceful about that. I have been sad, lost, pouty, and lonely without the sure sense of His power in my day to day life. I have felt that as abandonment; as a decision that I was no longer wanted or appreciated. I have sometimes whined, cajoled, and blamed Him for making that be the way I felt. I've acted in opposition to all of those things that I have ALWAYS believed and thought. I've behaved like the bratty submissive I never, ever wanted to be.
But even a brat can learn given enough time. Here's what I have learned:
He is my Master. I am His. Always and all ways. Master is who He is, not what He does. I do not require Him to control or micromanage me in order to behave as I know He would have me behave. I know what is expected, wanted, and needed. I have the voice of His dominance in my mind. His voice. I have the face of His dominance in my mind. His face. All I have to do is listen and look inside, and all of it is there; all of the many years of learning and growing in His sight; all of the work and effort that it took to become His. It is there and I can hear it and feel it without His ever saying a word.
I have not lost my Master. I can never lose Him. If He chooses to be quiet for a time; if He chooses to remain quiet for a lifetime; still He will forever be in my head. I can follow Him as surely as I might walk in His footsteps along a sandy beach. I remember now.