Relationships in the BDSM Universe

 I have a lot more time to read these days. I retired from my 35-year teaching career three years ago, and so now I read whatever I choose. I wander from book to book; sometimes following a single author through their entire catalog, and then getting stuck in a particular genre, and then finding a topic that intrigues me, and so reading deeply in that realm for a time. Too, a couple of times a year, I end up with a stack of books that are intended for my grandson, because being the Gramma that sends books brings a certain set of responsibilities with it.

As Tom and I have become engaged in deeper conversations about the potential meanings behind our own BDSM practice, I found myself looking at some of what has been written about that lifestyle choice… and finding the offerings disappointing. The fiction seems all of a type, and the how-to’s seem pretty dry and lifeless. Where, I wonder, are the discussions of what this all means in terms of relationships? Why is it all so mechanistic; so oriented to win-lose; so lacking in human feeling and connection? Is it just me?

Because here’s the thing…

Life happens.

No matter who spanks who; no matter how prettily you string each other up; no matter how many piercings; no matter how much candle wax you pour on your bottom partner; when all the slap and tickle is done, there is still plenty of good old day-to-day living to get through. When the regular, and not so regular living happens, it can be really important who is standing next to you. “Kneel before me, slave!” just won’t get you through everything. It won’t.

Outside of the dungeon, people die. They get seriously ill. Your kids turn out in ways you never, ever expected. Your job goes all to hell. Pandemics show up out of nowhere. Finances get stood on their head. Some idiot runs into your car. The IRS comes calling. There is shit to clean up, sometimes literally. Addiction happens. Oh, and you keep on getting older and older. Yeah. Life. 

That sexy, hot as hell Dominant, who swings a mean whip might be just the ticket when the world comes crashing down. Maybe. Or, maybe not. He or she might also turn to a quivering mess of “I don’t have a fucking clue what to do.” Some folks who look great in scene are as useless as teats on a boar hog in a crisis. 

So, why is there so little conversation in our BDSM circles about how to build good, strong, stable relationships? Why do we talk about how to tie 15 different kinds of knots, but not how to discover whether a potential partner is of sterling character? How does a person, considering a D/S or M/S relationship make that decision with some confidence that their partner is stable, secure, reliable, trustworthy, and dependable? 

I want to know more than what your scene cred might be. I need to know if you will sit up all night at my bedside in the hospital. I want to be sure you will sit vigil with me when my loved one is dying. I have to be sure you will go with me to help bail my wayward teen out of jail… again. I want to know if you have issues with drugs or alcohol or gambling or sex. I need to know about your debt picture and your retirement plans and your ex-wives/husbands and any kids you have stashed in the wings. If I am hitching my wagon to yours, then I need to know what sort of train this is going to be. If that all seems terribly intrusive, and your response is that it is all off-putting, then you probably ought to meander on down the road, because I really don’t need to get spanked THAT bad (and I really do need to get spanked). But, if you aren’t a real partner for all of it, then you aren’t a partner, and I don’t need you. Move along.

Sue