Exhaustion

Exhaustion is the sea that I've been swimming in for the last several months. T jokes that if you leave me still for five minutes, I will go straight to sleep -- anywhere, anytime, under almost any circumstances, and in darn near any position. I know that it is sometimes a matter of great merriment to my family.

But it really isn't all that funny. It is a functional reality that is based in an ongoing health mystery that we just can't seem to get solved. My hemoglobin (the oxygen carrying component of red blood cells) ought to be measuring somewhere between 12 and 16, and it is steadily dropping. Last check, it was down to 9.2. The theory was that the issue was the steady, uncontrolled bleeding that was part of the motivation and deciding factor for the hysterectomy. Then we figured that there was some drop as a result of the surgery itself, and that we would, after the recovery period was passed, see the numbers start to come back up. That has not happened. Without enough hemoglobin, everycell in my body is starving for oxygen, and I spend all my time feeling like I've just run up eight flights of stairs.

Feeling wiped out all the time has consequences on all sorts of levels. Obviously, I struggle to get the basic stuff of daily living done. My job, and my household responsibilities leave me wasted at the end of the day. I collapse into bed each night with barely enough energy left to whisper my good-nights... I'm a party happening. Beyond that, though, is the emotional wackiness that comes from feeling just flattened all the time. A day or two of feeling like this is one thing, but when it goes on and on and on and on, it begins to wear on the mental stability. I am finding that I am tender and extremely sensitive to the least little things. I cry. I pout. I bristle. Over things that would have never even ruffled me in another time. The reality is that I have no reserves with which to balance or manage any extra stress. So it is very easy to tip me over.

The other issue in the whole evil stew is fear. No one seems to know what is causing this. If you go to your friendly neighborhood Internet search engine and type in "anemia," you will get a long list of possible causes for the critter. The top few are mostly related to dietary deficiencies and can be fixed with some changes in eating habits and/or some simple supplementation. Beyond that, things get seriously scary in a very big, damn hurry. I've been supplementing iron, folic acid, vitamin C, and brewer's yeast for all of 2 months now. The numbers are still dropping. What should I think about that? I want to be positive about this, but I can read and sometimes, I think that is a bad skill to have...

So when we list the things that add to the difficulty of the juggling act we are doing here: job challenges, ailing parents, grown (or nearly grown) children making life choices that sometimes freak us out, social contexts that do not support our lifestyle, aging bodies, health shifts... Let us not forget to add this -- pure, unadulterated, unrelenting, bone-grinding exhaustion.

swan