Vanilla Immersion

We have periods of time when the "unique" nature of our relationship creates some interesting opportunities and dilemmas for us.

I am "not wife" in the eyes of the world. Therefore, there are capacities related to Master's work where T is prohibited from serving precisely because she is "wife" but I am not. We take advantage of that technicality to a degree, and I serve as a volunteer with His agency in a role where it would be viewed as "inappropriate" for His wife to do so. Conversely, there are some public events where the attendance of "wife" is expected, and where I am "extra" and therefore my attendance needs to be (at a minimum) explained.

It is "banquet" season in the public policy/advocacy arena. T and I sometimes bemoan this as "girlie clothes" season -- also sometimes referred to as "foundation garment torture." There is a seemingly unending series of dinners and awards banquets to attend at this time of the year, all of them requiring fancy dress, and smiling faced "wifeliness."

As might be imagined, this sort of thing presents some challenges for our family. T attends many of these as her work schedule allows, in the role of "wife." I attend just as many in the role of "agency volunteer" -- an interesting balancing act, given that there are many in the circle of political folks around us who wonder at our connection but cannot possibly conceive of the reality. We go blithely on, letting the gossips wag their tongues -- hiding in plain sight.

Still it can be wearing when done in heavy doses. It requires us to behave as "neighbors," "colleagues," "friends," "professional associates," with no personal or intimate connection or relatedness beyond our technical/formal association of the moment. We have to watch our actions, conversations, and responses to one another with extreme care in these settings. We walk a tight rope out in public so that our secret remains a secret...

To be honest, after awhile, when I've had a bit of the masquerading, I start to get annoyed. The fact is that the rules that make all the secrecy and hiding and denial of our reality necessary are grounded on a societal bias that is so deeply ingrained and so unshakeable that it is an assumed "right" that becomes a threat to all who would question or challenge it. That's us. Even those who would argue for same gender marriage or civil unions or domestic partner laws, most often will react negatively when the subject of multiple partners comes up. Our sort of lifestyle choice scares the willies out of everybody. And that's before you add the BDSM dynamic to the mix...

Makes a person downright grumpy. We are living in a culture that is awash in vanilla monogamous righteous self-delusion, and the pervasiveness of that social dishonesty forms the foundation of a tacit agreement that it is OK to leave a segment of the society out of the game: to declare open season on our families, our right to work, our choices about where we live, our very lives.

I spend a lot of my days immersed in a vanilla culture -- pretending to be "just like everybody else," keeping the secrets about who I am and how I live. I know the reasons for doing it. I admire and envy those who choose not to do that, or who do not have to do that. And sometimes, like now, when I'm dressing up and smiling sweetly at vanilla folks who just think they have it "right" somehow, I find that the whole vanilla world annoys the crap out of me for their smugness...

swan