You are Better than Me

There are parts of my life about which I am utterly secure and supremely confident. In my classroom, I am completely comfortable, relaxed, and at ease. I understand the dynamics, and I am certain of my skills. I believe, absolutely, that I can and will be able to handle what is required of me in that environment.

Likewise, I have great faith in my ability to "read" people and interpret situations. I've got great radar and real skill at figuring out what motivates people to act the way they do most of the time. I may be quiet in most social settings, but I am seldom at a loss for understanding what is going on around me. Most often (if I have my druthers in a social environment), you'll find me quietly observing the swirl from the edge. I like it like that.

I've lived more than a few years. Made tough choices -- not all of them wise. Taken some bumps. Had my share of disasters and disappointments. Like most women of "a certain age" I've earned my gray hairs and my battle scars. I'm not some flighty, flirty, delicate youngster with an unformed ego that can't take a blow without crumpling.

But, damn, I'm not unshakeable. I am a masochist and I am a slave. Those are not simply labels. The words describe a level of personal self-knowing and self-acceptance that has not come easily. Embracing that self was not a smooth or simple process from the beginning, and living with the truth of that reality is not always straightforward for me. I wish it were.

I think Poiesia captures some of what goes on for me. There is great freedom, great affirmation, great liberation, and great power in finally knowing and owning this part of who I am; in recognizing it, in making the life choices that bring it to fruition in my world. All of that is good and positive and valuable, and I do not regret any of the choices that have brought me to this place -- would not change any of it.

But it is not always easy. Or even often easy. And, because we are not blessed with a vibrant or active local lifestyle community, except for the "voices" that pour forth from the words that appear on the computer screen, I live that choice without others to model it, to share it, to compare notes with, to simply lean on in the moments when I falter or doubt or am afraid. Our family lives in nearly total isolation as far as our orientation is concerned. There are some "kinky" folks in our area, but they are mostly not available to us for a variety of reasons.

That's hard. One of the great advantages to community is the ability to learn and share and support -- up close and personal. But honestly, there are days (when I am feeling wobbly and less than sure of myself), when I know -- KNOW for an absolute, incontrovertible fact that every single one of the masochists that writes in this medium, and every slave is better at this whole business than I am.

There is no logic to that. It is the game that I run down on myself in my own head. When I'm feeling sane and centered, I understand that. I know this is not a contest, and that I only need to please the One I serve. I realize that comparisons based on imaginings are silly and foolish and the stuff that makes for craziness, but I seem bent on a crazy path these days.

So, I convince myself that I am just no good. Not what is wanted or needed. That there are lots and lots of willing and able others just waiting in the wings to take my place. And then I tell myself that since I am no good, that is what should happen after all. It is a spiral that leads ever downward.

No one does this to me. It is the darkness of late winter and the cumulative effect of too much time spent alone with my own thoughts. Perhaps it is partly hormonal. I cannot tell. All I know is that I seem inclined to take bits and pieces of this and that, and string it together in an emotional stew that just gets wilder and wilder until it finally boils over into some terrible mess.

Perhaps, as He assures me, it will get better as I continue to heal and get stronger and we can return to our once customary patterns. Perhaps then I will feel assured that I am not "losing" my orientation to all of this and somehow reneging on a promise made. In the meantime, just know that you quite often appear "better than me."

swan