I am confused.
He is confused.
We are confusing each other.
Most of the time.
I am a walking well of rage and frustration. This does not help anything. Without the ability to achieve any sort of sexual pleasure or release, I am finding that most of the rest of my life has devolved to a series of disappointments and dead end repetitions. I am simply furious that all the sexiness and connectedness that once came from our SM play has evaporated. Missing that joyful joining has turned the pain into "just pain." So, if I can, I try and get through it (or get out of it), try and find enough genital sensation to help Him achieve His orgasm, and then set off to my daily round of chores.
Confronted with my fury and my obvious pain and misery, He has fallen into His own set of quandries. What does a Dominant do with a slave who hates everything? He keeps reminiscing about the beginnings of our time together, when I liked to be spanked without needing to "get" anything out of that... At least that's what He is remembering...
What makes it worse is that, true to form, I am beginning to have the sort of dark and lurid fantasies that haunt me whenever our SM play falls off. What I dream, in the dark, alone, is the sort of intensive, unbending Dominance that will not back off; that will bind me, hold me, gag me if need be, and simply take me through and beyond the rage and fury to the point of submission to His will. In my dreams and in my fantasies, I come to know and feel that I really am His because He takes me to that place without the hesitation that we are both feeling in our real life. But fantasy is not reality.
Last night, late, He decided that He would try and bring me to orgasm with His hand. It scared me terribly, and I reacted badly. He insisted and persisted, and I ultimately calmed down and what He did with me felt good, although I didn't succeed in achieving an orgasm even though He rubbed me raw and wore out His arm... He claims that I am somehow controlling that -- that it is within my power to make that happen. Sigh. He promises that He is taking control of this; rehabilitating this, and that, together, we are going to regain that part of our lives together. That eventually, we will fist, and that I will have orgasms that will destroy me... I want to believe Him.
That, too, is part of the problem. I want to believe Him, but I'm not sure I really do. Believe Him. Or believe in Him anymore. About any of this. I love Him, but He can't fix this. He would if He could. Will He insist on slavery that discounts my anger? Do I want Him to go there? Would I feel somehow safer, better, easier if He did?
There is a part of me that answers, "yes" to that set of questions. I am hurt by the current arrangement. I feel like a failure on top of everything else. I feel threatened in the very core of my being. The out of control fury that is consuming me, that is pouring over my life, and which I feel so powerless to do anything about, looms over my future like a storm. I know that there is no way that this can go on indefinitely. Talk about confusion. I want what I know I will hate. How crazy is that?
Such is the nature of the internal monologue that is going on in my head in the darkness every night...
swan
strange thing is......... i absolutely "hear" you...... wonder if for some weird and wonderful reason.. (completely different from yours though) i am not in the same place as you right now.. and i am not too sure which way to go now.......
ReplyDeletewishing we could hold hands and help each other find the way out of the 'mess'
morningstar (owned by Warren)
This, dear Swan, is one for the doctor. Most of the time when a woman is anorgasmic (how's that for a fancy name) following a total hysterectomy, it's because the body no longer has enough testosterone! How's that for a switch (so to speak). Some doctors prefer to wait a few months to see if things "even out". Others are willing to provide appropriate hormone therapy. And it really does work. But especially since you did not have the problem before the surgery, it is more than legit to ask for at least a trial with the hormones.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I am an RN. Good luck and best wishes for a happy return of fulfillment of desire!
I have no brilliant words of advice, haven't even a clue what to say. But I wanted to at least say to you that you're always in my thoughts, and I care a great deal about you. If there's ever anything I can do to help, just say the word. *HUGS*
ReplyDeleteI think that lynlass gives you some good advice. Hormonal inbalance is the cause of lots of issues.
ReplyDeleteAs Masters we often think that it is all in the mind of the slave/sub - often it is. We forget how much of a female's disposition, mindset and physical ability to respond is outside of anyones control when hormones get involved.
Once those are ok - I suggest a time of just plain starting over. Agree to step back and build back up rather than push forward past existing hurdles.
You might find the rediscovery of old delights to cause you both much joy.
I wish you the very best.
- Enigma
morningstar -- thank you for the kind words. I do feel the sense that you "understand" even if the "whys" are different. Too bad we are not closer in geographic distance.
ReplyDeleteswan
lynlass-- I did call the doctor. I was, of course concerned about the sexual response issue, but was also experiencing trouble sleeping as well as night sweats and hot flashes (all since the hysterectomy). She has prescribed a hormone replacement product called Estratest (estrogen and testosterone). I've been on that protocol since last Thursday, and am starting to see some shift. Stand by for news.
ReplyDeleteswan
Enigma -- We will find our way I trust. Right now, we are just trying to hold on through this storm. To say we were "unprepared" for this path would be to significantly understate the reality. We chose the surgical option after some heavy research, but our resources as to post-surgical implications were less than forthcoming as to the impacts on this part of life. I am suspecting that there may be a preponderence of women who are most happy to be done with sex at this time in life... Questions posed prior to surgery about sexual function were met with assurances that most women noticed no difference. Clearly, I am not "most women." Sheesh!
ReplyDeleteswan
like morningstar said she related to your post for different ways...I find I do myself. thank you for always writing so honestly.
ReplyDeleteI saw in the comments also that you are on hormones...I am so glad you called. All the things you described a good friend of mine went through when she had hysterectomy and hormones helped her a lot! I am glad to hear you are starting to see changes. Sending you a big hug!